Shh, don’t let the cat out of the b… Oh bugger!
Taking slightly longer than the Labour leadership election, now that voting has closed in this year’s PUBEs the hard work begins. In the high security vaults of Plunger Towers, the votes are being scrutinised carefully to ensure the integrity and validity of our process. Teams of checkers will weed out suspicious submissions using an internationally recognised set of criteria, (like “Are there really that many people called Vladimir or Sergei living in the Kettering area?” “Who the hell votes for a pensioner from Strood?” and “That’s your handwriting again, isn’t it Dave?’)
Once the vetting process is complete, the business of collating and recording the tally for each individual nominee: already the race is looking extremely interesting with many categories being decided by as little as a single vote, and others seeing artists with a 100% lead over their rivals. (Oh alright, yes that does equal the exact same thing when numbers are so low…)
Obviously the whole procedure is held under a veil of total security, a stricter blanket of silence than the Budget purdah, so that the names of the winning acts will remain a closely guarded top secret until the night of the glittering awards show in that there London in 3 months time. No one will know who will eventually take away the prestigious high-quality clear-resin paperweights until each deserving recipient is announced by Brit blues stalwart Paul Oldman, (presenter of Radio Quiet’s esteemed Blues Snooze Hour for its first 120 years). So the excitement and anticipation will be at fever pitch right up to when he opens the golden envelopes (with some help if required).
Plunger can also now announce that to help keep us all on the edge of our seats, there will be live performances throughout the evening from four great acts, all of whom are nominees in this year’s contest. Indeed all four are rated (by anyone who isn't clinically dead) as nailed on favourites to win the main categories, but you shouldn’t read anything into that. Nor into the fact we hadn’t announced the bill until after we’d had the votes in. No really, please don’t, it’s meant to be a surprise… Oh bugger.