John in Part 38 genuinely makes my heart hurt if i think about it for too long.
Yes, he is actively manipulating Arthur at this point, trying to get him to leave the stone with Oscar, to sacrifice his life to save theirs. Arthur knows something is wrong with him, knows he hasn't been given the full story, but he wants to trust John. John has been all hes had for so long now.
And the same is true for John. Arthur is all hes ever known. Arthur is his everything. And when Arthur ignores him, he can't understand why. He immediately spirals back into his manipulative ways, plying Arthur with words both incredulous and sweet - "how could you say that? after everything we've been through?" - but you cannot convince me that there wasn't an underlying current of truth and heartbreak in there.
John wants to mean something to Arthur. Desperately. He wants to be as important to Arthur as Arthur is to him. "Am I so fucking incidental to you?" Incidental. Inconsequential. Forgotten.
"So what do you care about, then?" "You!" He admits it himself. He wants the favor returned. He just wants Arthur to care.
John has only ever wanted to be loved.













