#aimoo

[hasebeshikiri-blog]

well that!! made me feel like shit!!! wow!!!! i wanna die!!! 

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lms if you read

when youre like 100% sure [redacted] hates you and you want to [redacted] and never speak to her again to avoid actually finding out if she does 

when it makes you want to [redacted] to think about what you did and you hate the fact that you feel this way and you know you cant talk to [redacted] anymore and your brain is like “remember all the shit they did to you” and youre like no,  i dont want to but you remember and you remember all the timesyou’ve [redacted] because of them but you want to talk to her for no reason and you just want to know she doesnt [redacted] you but you know she does anxd you know if you keep jumping back it’ll only cause more pain for you and you cant anymore

you dont want to feel that anymore

[hasebeshikiri-blog]

i feel like i wanna talk about something thats been on my mind and is a giant secret for me

this topic has heavily to do with genital mutilation, injury, rape, and child rape and is really personal and i dont really know how i feel about publishing it like this but i think it'd make me feel better

please like this if you read its really personal and it'd help me a lot

i have a really big secret not even my own boyfriend knows and its kind of heavy for me to just let it go

after the trauma i endured when i was little my entire genital area was really fucked up and i had to get it fixed through surgery

i've never felt the same level of confidence about my vagina and i never let anyone see it and i hate it so much this contributes a lot to my hatred of being touched down there and being being exposed down there and even more i just i cant stand people seeing me that way and i've reclaimed that part of me through keeping my sexuality in my control but it just??? i dont know

i have a lot of internalized misogyny directed at vaginas and basically it doesn't look weird it looks normal but it just

doesnt look like the one i had for the first 9 years of my life and its really weird to me to think about that

i always get upset when people dont understand how i feel about this and it really upsets me and i dont talk about this ever 

i told someone for the first time the other day and they reacted nicely and not what i thought so

yeah

my vagina has plastic bits in it

[hasebeshikiri-blog]

#venting about nothing please like if you read

i really hate when people expect you to give them 100% when they give you 0 back 

maybe its just me but i always try my hardest for everyone from doing literally all i can for others and when i do that i want at least a bit of the same back

friends who expect you to be there 100% and they dont give anything back arent friends to me because i need stuff back in relationships like that

im really sick of people getting upset with me for not giving them what they needed when they repeatedly hurt me or disregarded my needs for their own

you cant just keep using people, you need to make your friendship a two way street - not a one way

ive had lots of friends in the past who just dont care about me, they dont care if they make me uncomfortable, etc and it always reminds me of the days where i thought i dont matter and i dont deserve to be cared about

but through my recovery i realized i do and it just - idk it just feels so bad to still have people who make me sad or make me uncomfortable in my life 

i may act really tough and i dont talk about it a lot but im really weak and fragile

i need attention and comfort too 

i need babying and i need to feel liked

it cant just be one way 

i dont work like that and very few people do

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*hears my dad come home*

*has a panic attack*

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i wish my boyfriend was home i wish my boyfriend was home i wish my boyfriend was hoommeee

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my sister is making me talk to the man who just slapped me across the face for not making him breakfast on a school day because shes having work problems and needs money

shes literally telling me to put myself in danger because shes too fucking impatient 

[hasebeshikiri-blog]

like if you read

my mom called me 

i had to hang up on her because she was so not-okay she was telling me it was 3AM and i had to sleep and asking if i took christmas stuff down and yelling at me for trying to tell her she was a bit mixed up and

even though i still remember all the abuse and pain and i still suffer from it to this day

i sometimes wish she could get better just so i could have a mom 

i think im sad