Karkat sends a small box John’s way with three (3) items, along with a card.
1) An itunes gift card. (Karkat hopes the meaning is apparent: buy coins in Obey Me or Ikemen Vampire.) 2) A millennium puzzle keychain. 3) Awfully drawn but fully rendered John x Edelgard digital art piece. It has Karkat’s signature and everything. It’s unintentionally very Picasso-like, which makes it much worse.
The card contents read as follows.
“IN THE SPIRIT OF YOUR BIRTHDAY, I’LL RESCIND THE USE OF ANY AND ALL SLURS I WOULD SO OFTEN BLUDGEON YOU WITH. SO. I’LL START THIS OFF WITH A VERY MUNDANE, “HI, JOHN!” AND NOT SOMETHING MORE ME. DO YOU SEE THIS, JOHN. I’M DEPRIVING MYSELF ON YOUR BEHALF. MELDING MYSELF INTO SOMETHING I’M NOT FOR YOU AND YOU ALONE. NEXT TIME YOU SHIT ALL OVER ME, LET THIS IMAGE RING TRUE AT THE CENTER OF YOUR BRAINDEAD LITTLE MIND. ANYWAYS. AS I WAS SAYING. HI, JOHN.
PRETTY SURE LAST YEAR YOU SAID YOU FORGOT WHAT DAY IT WAS, SO I BET YOU DID THIS YEAR, TOO. HOW WAS THE FINAL FANTASY RAID. OR DID YOU GET LOST IN THE THRILL OF AN OVERWATCH SESH AND NOT REALIZE IT WAS MIDNIGHT. YOU’RE ABHORRENT.
I’M TRYING TO EFFORTLESSLY WEAVE SOME SENTIMENTALISM INTO THIS BUT I CAN’T FIND A GOOD PLACE TO START HUMILIATING MYSELF. LET’S SEE.
SEE ME SOMETIME SOON SO I CAN SAY IT TO YOU IN PERSON, BUT HAPPY BIRTHDAY. SOMETHING SOMETHING BEING FRIENDS IS SATISFYING ON THE RARE OCCASIONS YOU DON’T ACTIVELY TORTURE ME. HAVE I FULFILLED MY FRUITY QUOTA YET OR MUST I PROSTRATE MYSELF TO YOU FURTHER.
I’M GLAD WE MET. SORRY, I KNOW. NAUSEA INDUCING BUT UNFORTUNATELY UNIRONIC. IT FEELS LIKE I’VE KNOWN YOU LONGER, SOMETIMES. NOT MANY PEOPLE ARE PRIVY TO MY BLOOD BURNING WITH THE MOST VIRULENT ANTIPATHY UPON THEM SAYING A SINGLE WORD. I’M COMFORTABLE, IS ALL I’M TRYING TO SAY. PROBABLY TOO COMFORTABLE, EVEN, WITH THE ABRASIVE SHIT I SAY. AND WE’RE STILL FRIENDS. I’VE LIKED BEING FRIENDS. I LOOK FORWARD TO THE TIMES WE’RE ONLINE AT THE SAME TIME.
ANYWAYS. THESE PRESENTS ARE FOR CLOUT. MAKE SURE YOU PUBLICALLY DISCLOSE WHAT I GOT FOR YOU. IN PUBLIC. MAYBE SAY I GOT YOU AN IPAD TOO.
I WAS GOING TO ADD A PLAYLIST BUT I DIDN’T HAVE ENOUGH TIME. AND IT’S DOUBTFUL ANYTHING WILL TOP HUNG UP BY MADONNA ANYWAYS. I STILL LISTEN TO KAPPAPRIDE EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, BY THE WAY. THANKS FOR THAT, [REDACTED SLUR].
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JOHN.
- KARKAT”