#aitbaar

[desigurlie]

To Uzair from Aitbaar

You were tailing Rehman around during his last days like that party where he met Khanani... did you suspect something was wrong?

Hello darkness my old friend—

See, I had absolutely no idea what was happening. Sometimes I think my obliviousness was a deliberate choice. I didn't see it because I didn't want to see it. I couldn't bear to see it.

I couldn't imagine a life without my brother. I couldn't comprehend existing in a world where he wasn't there, standing beside me like a pillar, in front of me like a shield, behind me like a wall. He had always looked invincible to me. Infallible.

What was death in front of Rehman Dakait?

I hadn't gone to that party. I wish I did.

I had also refused to go to Balochistan that day but he forced me. I wish I had put my foot down.

I had wasted so much time being an absolute idiot, being angry with him for no fault at all, because of petty jealousy. I wish I could go back in time and throttle myself.

I wish I had seen it. I wish I had hugged him just a little longer, just a little harder. I wish I had been strong enough that he could've leaned on me a little more. I wish he would have told me. Once. Just once. I wish I had told him that I love him, that I always will and that he would never be less in front of me. Not for this. Not for anything.

I wish I could've been the pillar, the wall, for once.

I wish I could've gone back in time and punch Bhai in the face for being so bloody needlessly self sacrificial. I wish I could've told him to stuff his nobility where the sun doesn't shine and let himself fall weak like a normal mortal like the rest of us and LET ME TAKE CARE OF HIM FOR ONCE IN OUR GODDAMNED LIFE.

I wish for so many things it makes me feel sick.

I wish he got to see my little girl.

I wish, as cruel and petty as it sounds that it had been me who got to hold him in his last moments. I wish I could hate Hamza a little for getting that benediction all for himself. I can't. He is my brother too and I can't hate him.

I wish I could hate Rehman bhai sometimes.

I can't.

He is my north star. Has always been. Will always be. In life and death and beyond if there is one.

Even now, after all this time, I sit on his chair and try to feel that heavy magnetic presence that has been my anchor for as long as I remember. I am older now than my brother ever got to be and my bones creak and my hair is white and the wait doesn't seem as endless as it had, that godforsaken day.

I shall see my brother again and then I will get to tell him all of my wishes.

[desigurlie]

To Ulfat from Aitbaar,

How did you and Rehman realise you are both bisexuals and do you check out hot people together or does the other one get jealous ?

Also did you get around to pegging Rehman ?

Oh honey, we fuck hot people together WAIT that is not what I meant.

I mean we fuck over hot people together. It's like a game we play. How hard can we flirt with another person in front of each other. It keeps things interesting in our marriage.

As for bisexuality I always did kind of know I liked both men and women but the time I sneaked out to go to a night party at one of my friend's house was when it really hit me. A really handsome man hit on me and his girlfriend joined in and I was well.... quite pleased.

Rehman told me at first it really hadn't mattered much to him because he used sex as a weapon as it had been used against him (yeah I was horrified too and wanted to murder everyone who had used my husband like that). But apparently he had a business partner once who along with his wife had been hell bent on wooing him and they managed to tempt him into their bed. He liked it.

But as much as we love flirting with other people, of the same and opposite gender and sometimes both together, we mostly do it for teasing each other as we haven't felt true desire for anyone except each other since we had met all those years ago. It's sappy I know but what can you do? Love is love.

As for your other question— let's just say there's a reason I keep extra soft cushions on all our couches and in Rehman's study (god but that man makes the loveliest noises when I— ok I'll just stop) 💅💅

[desigurlie]

To... I guess Ulfat from Aitbaar?

Seeing as Uzair and the others didn't know about Rehman's disease, how did you break the news to them when he was found dead?

Straight for the jugular, huh?

Well to be honest I can't remember the days following his death very clearly. Maybe it is a self defense mechanism that has blocked my memory somewhat so that my body can power through the grief.

How does a mother tell her children that she knew they were going to lose their father and said nothing?

I was a coward at first. I couldn't bear the thought of Uzair and Hamza thinking they could've stopped it had they seen it. I couldn't take it thinking Faizal might get angry at me for hiding it. I was so steeped in my own loss, I didn't know how to say it to any of them. To my girls as well.

But truth rarely remains hidden. I saw my family was crumbling again, torn apart at the seams, trying to make sense of something that they found inexplicable, senseless, so sudden that it was jarring. And I couldn't take this burden anymore. My husband had spent his last days fighting to bring our children close again and I couldn't let it fall apart just like that. Let all his efforts and his last wish go to waste. So I told them. Simply. I showed them the reports.

They were upset with me. But I think they were more upset with Rehman. Which is completely understandable. To them it was unfair. The time they will never get back had been snatched away so cruelly. But I only hope they never get to know the agony of the realisation that you wouldn't be around to protect your children anymore, to see them grow further, have their own kids, to enjoy the peace that had taken you most of your life to build.

Sometimes I wonder what would be easier, to live like half a corpse, pretending to be whole or die with the shame and guilt of leaving your children behind— this time having no one to help them weather the storm.

You tell me for I am tired of this subterfuge.

[desigurlie]

To Yalina from Aitbaar,

Given that you pretty much saved Hamza's life by getting to Rehman bhai in time, do you throw that in his face everytime you fight ? Does that idiot actually have the audacity to fight with you ? Do you and Meher have secert girl breakouts to get away from you nuisance husbands ?

Hihihihi! 💃💃💃

I may have used it more times than I should have to win arguments with Hamza. It usually goes something like—

Hamza: Arre par maine kahan na tumse ki hum shopping kar lenge kal—

Me: Accha toh shayad mujhe bhi ek do din baad hi jaanaa chahiye tha Rehman bhai ke paas tumhare jaan keliye gidgidaane.

Hamza:

Me:

Hamza: (⁠ ⁠⚈̥̥̥̥̥́⁠⌢⁠⚈̥̥̥̥̥̀⁠) . (⁠╥⁠﹏⁠╥⁠)

Lol. I'm just a girl. And yes he is stupid enough to try to fight with me.

Meher bhabi and I have weekly girl day outs. We go shopping, get a full body spa done, set our hair, get manicures and pedicures and nail extensions done, do a full body detox. Then we watch a movie and have dinner in a fancy restaurant and then go clubbing or paintballing— depends on our moods. I heard from Donga that Uzair bhai and Hamza usually get drunk together and miss us or get smoochy with each other. It should bother us but it's Lyari after all, the homoerotic tension gets to all of us after some point. I may have kissed Meher bhabi once (ミ⁠●⁠﹏⁠☉⁠ミ)

[desigurlie]

rehman to hamza in aitbaar

Nothing you have ever done, will ever do or can even think of ever doing will disappoint me. It is simply not possible as to me you are perfect. You will always be perfect. For there is no measurement that can encompass what a father feels for his child.

You cannot be worse because there is no scale of comparison that has ever been created to weigh this relationship. You are not my flesh and blood but you are my heart. And a lion's heart will always fall before his pride. You are my legacy and my future and through your eyes I will see the world hence.

You are the wind in my lungs and the gravity beneath my feet and you have always driven me to see wonder in a world that has only ever shown me darkness before. You cannot fall, my darling because I am the ground beneath your feet and I will only ever catch you. You cannot be defeated, my son, even if you lose, because to me victory is not counted by the heads you collect but exists in the light shinning in your eyes.

Do not feel as though you have failed me because you cannot fail when you have survived. Do not weep for me as I have not left you—I can't. Look at the mirror and you'll find me there, look up at the sky and you will see my reflection and look at whoever you have ever loved and I will be just behind.

And when you wake up in the mornings exhausted with nightmares, fill up the hollow inside your bones with the knowledge that my pride has always lived in the curve of your smiles and the crinkles beside your eyes. Kiss your wife and your children and look for the miracles of this world and I shall sit beside you and watch over your stars.

Do not grieve for me, meri jaan because my life has always been in yours.

[desigurlie]

meher from aitbaar pls leave your bhondu pati & marry me thanks

Arre—😭

At least ask me out to dinner first. Aap toh seedha marriage tak pauhoch gaye.

[desigurlie]

to rehman from aitbaar, are you doing well 😭😭😭

Honey, I'm dead.

But thanks for asking, I'm fucking fantastic. 100/10! recommended.

[desigurlie]

To Hamza from Aitbaar

How did u deal with the grief of losing rehman bhai twice in ur arms ? Did u have a hope that he will come back just like he did the first time ? Do u have nightmares about it ?

Ye kaisa sawal hain yawwrr? Kyun mere zakhm kurred rahe hain aap? .⁠·⁠´⁠¯⁠`⁠(⁠>⁠▂⁠<⁠)⁠´⁠¯⁠`⁠·⁠.

Does the sun rise in the east? Is the sky blue? Are leaves green? Will your chest hurt if I rip your heart right out off your ribs and then crush it beneath my feet and throw the mangled mess back in?

Have you ever felt a grief so fathomless, so arresting, so freaking violent that it paralyses you completely? I was numb. For weeks together I couldn't feel anything. If someone would have taken a hammer to my joints I still wouldn't have felt anything. My mind refused to accept the reality forced upon us. Refused to believe that fate could be so cruel. And once that shock broke and God it did, it felt like someone had pulled me out of a frozen lake and dropped me into the core of the sun the very next moment.

There is no dealing with a grief like this. You cannot compete with it, you cannot negotiate, you cannot bargain or beg or grovel or even reject it. There is no overcoming this pain— only learning how to live with it in some sort of functional way.

So I did what Rehman Bhai had taught me best—

I survived.

It nearly killed me but I did. I had to. I couldn't bear to disappoint him any more than I already had. So I locked down my pain and threw away the key. I focused on Ulfat Bhabi and Faizal and Yalina and Uzair and Meher and their daughter. I focused on the gang and the family.

One would think that the nightmares would be the worst part but for me that wasn't true. I could power through the nightmares, my mind exacting punishment for my sins in increasingly sadistic ways.

It were the happier dreams that broke me to bits.

I would dream about a random day, fooling around with Uzair, pulling little Faizal on my shoulders, trying to avoid Ulfat bhabi's playful swats. Yalina's hair would shine in the sun and Meher would try to kick my legs out. And I would see Rehman bhai give us the most exasperated look ever possible like he couldn't believe how silly we all were being. But his eyes always gave him away. That look of such a naked ferocious love cannot be faked.

And I would feel protected, shielded, safe safe safe.

And then the night will be over, the dream broken and reality— a jaw breaking slap on my face. I would wake up and the realisation that it was just a dream and that I will never get to see Rehman bhai give me that signature 'fed up mixed with inevitable affection' look of his again— would be like feeling your entire skeleton being crushed into smithereens.