#ajchatsalot

[adeaddragon]

Isn’t it strange that you seem the most calm when you are stressed beyond belief?

I liken it to the seeming calm of still water. It seems safe- because it is so still.

But underneath? Brain eating parasites lie in wait.

[adeaddragon]

About Me

Hi, I’m AJ.

I’m an autistic writer, artist, and full-time learner navigating life with a deep love of growth, kindness, and weird little metaphors that help me make sense of it all. One of my core metaphors is that I experience myself like a fungal organism- with a fruitbody (the verbal, social self you’re most likely interacting with here) and a mycelium (the vast, internal, emotionally rooted part of me that feels everything deeply and creates things like art, writing, and big feelings).

Both parts are me. Fruitbody helps me speak. Mycelium is my main sense of self but it is nonverbal and emotional. Together, they make up AJ.

I use she/her or they/them pronouns publicly, and with trusted folks, you might hear me use it/its too. I’m femme-aligned but definitely not a fan of dresses. I live with social anxiety and major depressive disorder, and I’m always working to understand myself and others with more compassion and clarity.

This blog is where I share thoughts, reflections, and the odd strange-but-cozy metaphor. You’ll probably find me writing about growth, mistakes, boundaries, identity, and the moral neutrality of thoughts. I believe in choosing kindness, even when it’s hard. I believe in learning from what we don’t yet understand. And I believe every person (no matter how messy, misunderstood, or in-progress) deserves dignity, autonomy, and the chance to become more whole.

If you’re here, I hope you find something kind, thoughtful, or helpful. And if not, that’s okay too. I’m just glad you stopped by.

If you're curious about me I have a more in depth post linked below:

About AJ (Updated April 2025)

NOTE OF BTW:

Anyone can interact with this blog EXCEPT: NO MINORS: please DNI if you are under 18 years.

Forewarning: I am a pro-fiction account. I like dark/dead-dove art and fiction. Also, I really like possums. So those will probably show up. Frequently. You have been warned.

[adeaddragon]

Me currently: headache- existential dread realizing I’ll probably never be able to afford a home even if I get a better job 🥲

[adeaddragon]

Finally got around to updating my About me stuff!

Actually feel pretty good about going back and updating my about me pinned post and the link. I think I've managed to clarify it and make it a great deal more organized and digest-able!

Also - new plan in life as I finish out my (hopefully last) work contract as I move on and try to get into veterinary school is to start making art again and posting it.

I'm not sure I'm entirely ready to get back into making fandom art - but that will hopefully happen soon again too.

[adeaddragon]

About AJ the Dead Dragon

(Created February 2022 - updated April 2025)

Identity Snapshot

Name: AJ

Age: Mid-twenties

Neurotype: Autistic with major depressive disorder and social anxiety

Pronouns:

Trusted individuals: they/them or it/its

General/public: they/them or she/her

Professionally at work: She/her

Gender Presentation: Femme-aligned but masculine traits (I despise dresses in most contexts)

Internal Metaphor of Self: Mycelium + Fruitbody (see below)

The Mycelium & Fruit Body Framework

My internal experience is best understood through the lens of a fungal organism:

Mycelium is the unseen, expansive part of me: non-verbal, emotionally intense, and foundational.

Fruitbody is the visible, verbal, human-facing self: task-oriented, protective, and the translator/mediator for Mycelium.

🌱 Fruitbody (They/She)

Verbal, socially present, and cautious

Mental age: mid-twenties

Functions as the “fronter” in human interactions - this is the part that most people think of as "AJ"

Sets protective barriers between Mycelium and others

Translates non-verbal emotional processing into language

Tends to speak in third person when struggling to bridge communication between parts and is a show of trust to others if translated in the 3rd person. Usually a sign that the whole "self" recognizes you as a safe/trusted person.

🍄 Mycelium (They/It)

Non-verbal, deeply emotional, and spiritually/intellectually ancient

Mental age: unquantifiable

Makes up 70–80% of total sense of self

Experiences connection through full sensory-emotional “welcoming,” like adding someone to its network

Think of it as the new person as almost becoming ‘part of’ the network. The network essentially has a whole section dedicated to that person and it deeply influences the network. Also why the mycelium portion feels incredibly possessive/defensive of anyone that is in the network. They don’t want to overtake that person but at the same time fruit body is definitely needed to mitigate that as the mycelium portion doesn’t understand a lot of ‘normal’ social interactions or dynamics.

Produces art and emotional resonance (nonverbal)

Capable of intense love (familial or romantic); easily injured by betrayal or misunderstandings

Extremely private and possessive, but safe when mediated by Fruitbody

Core Values & Beliefs

On Thoughts & Responsibility

Thoughts are morally neutral. They only become harmful when acted upon without care.

Growth involves choosing kind, constructive actions regardless of one’s inner thoughts.

Intrusive or difficult thoughts are not dangerous in themselves and can be redirected.

Fictional content does not define a person’s morality or actions.

Condemning people for thoughts or past mistakes can block growth. Rehabilitation should be honored.

On Learning & Growth

Learning from mistakes is the foundation of self-improvement.

There is no such thing as a “damning” mistake if the person commits to growth.

Growth is hard, sometimes uncomfortable, and always worthwhile.

Education and self-reflection are essential tools for unlearning bigotry and internalized harm.

Learning is a skill, and all skills require learning to develop. Where someone is at in any skill level is not a point of shame, only a point to be aware of so they know how to move forward should they choose to.

My Standpoint On Relationships & Boundaries

Healthy connection requires boundaries, honesty, and self-awareness.

People are not possessions; relationships should be based on mutual respect and autonomy.

Love, when present, is offered with intensity and sincerity—but can shift from romantic to familial if unreciprocated.

Betrayal deeply wounds the Mycelium, often resulting in emotional shutdown and debilitating grief.

This is drawn from personal experience with difficult family upbringing and trauma and deep personal betrayal of trust from someone I deeply loved and cared for. It feels a great deal like place I thought I could trust and love was actually actively poisoning me and in order to address this fruit body had to actively cut away a large portion of the mycelium connected to that person and goes on the defensive why the mycelium point withdraws and isolates because it is in so much pain and feels very confused.

On Inclusion & Acceptance

All people deserve basic human rights, dignity, and safety- including those with stigmatized identities, thoughts, or neurotypes. Examples include those with paraphilias, kinks, or other things that cannot be acted upon in a healthy way.

Paraphilias, intrusive thoughts, and difficult experiences can be redirected in healthy ways. Fiction and therapy are valid tools for this.

Harassment, condemnation, and shame are never constructive. Compassionate engagement supports real change.

Closing Affirmations

I am committed to growth, kindness, and personal responsibility.

I am not perfect, but I strive to act with integrity, especially when I make mistakes.

I celebrate positive change and try not to condemn others for past beliefs or actions when they are working to grow.

I always want to learn more, become more whole, and live with intention.