#alan rant

[likerofgonstandothers]

I swear I'm like AM when it comes to Eva. Watching scenes of her in the movie, watching animations. Like, the movie is great, the animations are great but the bitch deserves jail time. She might be in there in the book but I'm on chapter 5. I hate her so much. She practically kidnapped Grace for "science" his classroom was never gonna see him again and they thought of him as the cool teacher.

*I HATE EVA*

To quote Rin Kagamine, "I dreamt of wrapping my hands around your narrow throat"

[likerofgonstandothers]

Guys, one of my "friends" has blocked me on discord for no fucking reason.

I just asked whether he still wanted to be be friends because he was ignoring me. He said he was, I asked why and he said that it was none of my business.

I genuinely have no clue why he's blocked me

[likerofgonstandothers]

I'm feeling fucking horrible. To the point where I can't deal with life. I've already said how I relate to my interpretation of Rolling Girl, but i just can't.

One of my "friends" has told me another doesn't like me. The "friend" and another bitch have made fun of me on a group chat to do with the split. My comfort person isn't coming in today and I fucking needed them to be in. And my fucking brother can't go one day without pissing me off. Today, I was supposedly running because I was going faster than usual (I was listening to a song) and supposedly had a "12 second gap" between us.

I just can't deal with life and I'm feeling suicidal again. I'm so pissed and I'm not mentally well, so many people know, especially my brother and best friend

[likerofgonstandothers]

I hate being a UK citizen

I hate being a UK citizen

I hate being a UK citizen

I hate being a UK citizen

I hate being a UK citizen

I hate being a UK citizen

I hate being a UK citizen

I hate being a UK citizen

I hate being a UK citizen

[likerofgonstandothers]

Okay so with my posts to do with Eva, I might be remembering the movie wrong and I haven't finished the book.

I understand why she did the things she did, all I'm saying is I think shes in the wrong. Someone left a comment on one of my posts.

She sent Grace to save Earth. But she also did it without his consent and while he was in a panicky (?) state, said he was good because he doesn't have any immediate family and a dog. She didn't even give him a hint of what his mission was about. She left him to figure it all out (it took him ages to figure his name out in the book)

I get why she did it, she wanted to save Earth. But, she was using Grace like he was a guinea pig (actually said in the book)

So yes, I understand why she did what she did but I don't like her because of the consequences

[likerofgonstandothers]

I think it's bad that I sort of relate to Rolling Girl by Wowaka, and that's not a good thing. (Tw, depression)

For those who don't, (this explanation might not be correct, please say if I not) the song is about a girl with depression who's trying to go on with life (rolling) even though it's too much for her.

And i think that's what im doing. I'm hating life and stuff. But I know i have to do these things but it's ruining my mental health, the more I go on. I'm so paranoid that every little moment I do, people are watching for my reaction. I fear that when I stare off into the distance, when I bite my nails,when I'm playing with Wormy (kandi fidget toy I made) heck even when I'm looking down, people are looking and taking those things as me getting pissed. I think that paranoia comes from when I was clicking my pen one time to piss others off (im pretty sure im being bullied) and some girl was telling me to stop (I absolutely hate this girl) I argued saying that many other people do it and to just ignore it coz that's what I do.

I know this is embedded in my trauma and my councillor and I are talking about it but I'm scared to tell her about my darker thoughts because I don't want people knowing.

Sorry about the rant, I was listening to JubyPhonic's Rolling Girl English cover and all I was thinking, "I hate how I relate,"