Just thinking out loud here about my creative process and specifically the fact that I freeze up whenever I think about working on something For Myself. I wanted to try and get to the heart of why that might be/what can be done about it.
I think for me, there's definitely the factor of, like, "I can't work on things without some level of external deadline" because otherwise, I don't feel the same level of urgency/responsibility, and thus I keep putting it off in favor of other things and so it never gets done. After all, if I'm the only one who knows or cares about it, then even if I don't do it, the only one I'm disappointing is myself. But also I feel like there's another layer at play here.
I feel like I don't have a concept I'm passionate about enough to dedicate serious time and effort into bringing it into the world. I have ideas, sure, I have options, but none of them moves me to the point where I feel like I have to work on it, I have to have something to say about it. I'm terrified of wasting my time on something that isn't ultimately worth it in the end, so I feel like anything I work on that's just for me has to be… worthy enough, or interesting enough, or fulfilling to work on, and I just don't have anything like that.
Of course, that's an immense amount of pressure to put on your own shoulders!! Like, it's no wonder why I'm having trouble!! If I was speaking to someone else, I'd encourage them to try making small things that are meant to be easy, and saving the magnum opus for further on down the line once they're comfortable. But then applying it to myself is like… I have nothing in the tank for small, achievable ideas. I don't understand people who can pump out fic after fic for their OTP or this thing they're obsessed with because they're overflowing with these small-scale ideas that they want to exist so they just make it and it happens and I'm over here like, "How do y'all do that"
I know in reality the answer is nothing mysterious; they have a thought and they work at it until it's done and it's the same process as with anything but for me, I get so stuck in the ideating phase. It feels like actually planning, drafting, editing, and releasing is beyond me even though I know it isn't and I have all the tools needed to make it happen, I just need to put in the work and stick with it!!!
This isn't the same but it occupies the same vector of space in my brain so just bear with me: It's like getting a tattoo for me where I love the idea of tattoos, I'd love to get one, but I don't have anything that speaks to me enough that I want to put it on my body forever. So I guess conceptually, writing fiction is like… not wanting to waste the good paper of a nice notebook. It's silly, notebooks exist to be used, writing in them won't ruin them, it's fulfilling their purpose, and writing something doesn't mean it's there forever, you can change it or move it or delete it entirely!
It's just a hurdle I'm trying to intellectualize my way out of when what I really need to do is just write in the fucking notebook, y'know? Shit's hard! Writing is hard.
