being a cabenson fan in a world full of barson/calex/benovak fans is hard 💔 please send your prayers to your local cabenson shipper after they see the 15th benovak edit of the day
synopsis: After eight months of your undercover operation, Thomas Shepherd is finally arrested. Yet instead of feeling relief, your mind is conflicted.
pairing: eventual alex cabot x fem!reader
tags/warnings: implications of sex, smoking
wc: 4k
a/n: i was listening to hayley williams while thinking of a last name so there's that (if anyone wants to change it to l/n pls let me know)
also, if you guys want to be added to the taglist, just drop it in the comments :))
It’s a rare circumstance for you to be out of his apartment during the nighttime or even when the sun is at high noon.
Thomas Shepherd doesn’t trust the city once it’s dark. He knows the dangers lurking within the shadows and the alleyways because he’s one of the predators that comes out to play- not necessarily himself, but he’s the mind that orders to do so.
Even though it’s already past 1:00 am, the city is still bustling with life. Cars whiz by the roads almost every three minutes, a few carts are still available, selling cheap coffee for those who work late nights, and your go-to deli is still open because it gets an influx of customers during unusual hours.
The only reason why Tommy let you out is that he’s too “tired” to buy three packs of cigarettes and a box of condoms. Since there was no one else he could ask, he turned to you.
Naturally, you take this brief moment of freedom to stop by an unsuspecting payphone.
“Friday, 11 pm, my apartment. Don’t be late. I’ll call back at three.”
The sound of the phone getting placed back on its base is audible, and Captain Cragen blinks, processing your words as Stabler and Benson stand in his office, patiently waiting for him to say something.
“Who was that?” Olivia breaks the silence.
“Gather everyone up for a meeting.”
The two detectives share a confused look before leaving the Captain’s office to wrangle those still in the bullpen.
It doesn’t take long for Cragen to exit his office with a bunch of folders in his hands.
“Eight months ago, the Captain of Vice and I decided to place Williams and another detective of his- undercover to keep an eye on Thomas Shepherd.”
“The sex trafficking guy?” Stabler questions.
“Yes.”
Olivia’s forehead wrinkles in confusion, “But you said yn transferred to narcotics?”
“Yn personally asked me to say she transferred just in case someone asked where she went.” Cragen briefly looks at everyone before handing them the folders.
“Here’s the copies of the reports she’s been able to give us so far.”
It’s now Stabler’s turn to become confused as he flips through the only three pages of the report.
“She’s been in for eight months, there’s barely anything in here.”
“Apparently, Shepherd likes to keep his eyes on his amore.” Fin comments as he reads that you have become Thomas’ lover after a month undercover.
“That’s why we need to be careful.” Cragen once again gains the attention of the room.
“I’m expecting another call from her around 3 am, so if you need to go out, be sure to make it quick. This one takes priority.” He pauses for a second to see if everyone understands him.
“In the meantime, gather everything that we have on Shepherd and his little business.”
The squad had barely felt the two hours that passed by, occupied with digging through stacks and stacks of folders to find everything and anything that had Thomas Shepherd’s name on it.
Almost on the dot of 3:30 am, the phone inside the Captain’s office rings, catching the attention of the detectives, causing them to abandon their tables to listen in on the call.
Cragen puts the phone on speaker.
“Tommy wants me to host a little party this Friday at my place. He’s gonna be there with his minions, all of them.” You jump right into the specifics, skipping the pleasantries with your voice in a whisper, and the sounds of the faucet running in the background.
“Are you safe?” Cragen asks as you squeeze your phone between your ear and shoulder.
“Don’t worry about me. Just focus on catching them.”
You pause for a second, washing away the seminal fluid dripping down your thighs, a hand against the sink to prevent the phone from falling. A huff of annoyance exits your lips upon remembering him tossing the box of condoms aside, despite him asking you to buy some, but he ended up not using them.
“Fucking bastard.” You mutter under your breath.
“Are you okay?”
You ignore his question. “The party starts at 8. He likes to show me off for around three hours before kicking everyone out. When everyone’s out, I’ll be in the bathroom.”
The handle of the faucet squeaks as you turn it off, grabbing a bunch of toilet paper to dry yourself off.
“Darling? Can you hurry up?” His voice echoes from the bedroom, no doubt getting picked up by the phone.
“Wish I can chat more, but I have to go. David’ll tell you more details in the morning. See you on Friday.” You hurriedly end the call and take the battery off, placing them both in the pocket made out of tape underneath the lid of the toilet’s tank.
When you exit the bathroom, Tommy’s sitting up against the headboard, yawning.
“You ready to sleep?” He asks as you get under the covers, lying your head against his chest.
“Mhm.” The low hum vibrates in your throat, and you close your eyes, pretending that you’re in the arms of someone else, so as not to feel the bile rise in your throat.
Thankfully, Friday came in fast.
The bitter smell of tobacco is prominent throughout the whole apartment, permeating into the furniture and walls. The men have turned the dining table into a poker table with cards, cash, beer bottles, and packs of cigarettes sprawled all over.
Two of Tommy’s men had brought their “girlfriends”, and you’ve occupied the couch, gossiping with them as the men occasionally command the three of you to give them more beer or to simply call the other girls over to squeeze their asses for good luck.
Getting bored with the mindless gossip, you decide to walk over to them. And unsurprisingly, the whole table is talking about you.
“You can only wish in your dreams that you can have her,” Tommy speaks with a teasing smirk on his lips.
“Not even a lil’ kiss on the cheek?”
“You heard the boss, Charlie.” The sound of your voice nearing the table catches their attention, and their heads swivel to look at you.
Lust and hunger are evident in their eyes, and it reminds you of how lucky you are that you’ve ended up in Tommy’s arms rather than someone else’s.
“How come you shared your last broad and not her, huh?”
They silently watch with predatory eyes as you gracefully sit down on Tommy’s lap, arms wrapped around him as you steal the cigarette from his lips.
“Because Isabella here would be a fantastic wife. Isn’t that right, darling?” His eyes visibly soften as they land on your figure; the sight doesn’t go unnoticed by the men.
“You proposing to her? Where’s the ring then?”
With Charlie’s question hanging in the air, Tommy reaches into his pockets, pulling out a shiny diamond ring. You feel your heart drop to your stomach.
“Will you marry me?” He whispers, and you can feel his breath tickle the skin of your neck.
You simply smile and nod, holding out your left hand for him to slip the ring on your ring finger.
“You’ve gone soft now, Tommy.” Someone comments from behind you.
“That’s what a good woman does to a man.” Somebody else states, and Tommy can’t take his eyes off you.
He presses a lingering kiss on your lips. “Get out, you shitheads, so I can make sweet, sweet love to my wife.” As soon as he ends his sentence, his lips are back on yours, tongues crashing in a fiery kiss.
You hear everyone start to scatter away, whistling at the sight of the two of you making out as you move to straddle his lap fully. The front door slams shut, and Tommy’s hands start to wander underneath your skirt.
“Don’t get too excited.” You pull away from him. “I have a surprise for you.”
His eyes light up in wonder, “What is it?”
“Be patient.” You place a kiss on the corner of his mouth before standing up, placing the cigarette on the ashtray, and heading to the bathroom.
It feels like you’ve been waiting for hours when only a minute has passed. The silence settles, with the exception of the stereo playing a mixtape. Until the front door loudly slams against the wall.
“Get down on the ground! Hands behind your back!”
A sigh of relief escapes your lungs as the weight on your shoulders has slightly eased.
“Thomas Shepherd, you are under arrest for human trafficking and heading a prostitution ring. You have the right to remain-”
“Where’s Isabella? Isabella! I swear to god if you lay a hand on her-”
“What? You’ll have your men beat me up? Can’t exactly do that when you’re all in prison, Tommy.” Hearing Elliot’s voice made you aware of how much you missed your normal life.
“Isabella! Let me see her first before you take me away.” He looks back and forth between Elliot and Olivia.
“Please.”
The pleading in his voice makes the two detectives raise their brows in curiosity. The sound of the bathroom door opening earns their attention.
“My love.”
You only spare him a glance as Olivia is already walking towards you, taking her coat off to place around your torso, clad in a thin silk top.
“Isabella! Please, talk to me.” He tries to walk to you, but is halted by Elliot grabbing his shoulders.
“Let’s go. I don’t think she wants to talk to you.” Elliot finally drags him away, and Tommy struggles against him, his eyes only set on your figure until he’s out of sight.
“Are you okay?” Olivia turns to you.
“Yeah. I’m okay.” Instead of looking directly at the taller woman, your eyes scan the room. Seeing the mess they’ve left on the table and the discarded butts of cigarettes in the ashtray.
“Do you have a ride?”
“Yeah. I’ve got everything in the back of my car.”
Olivia notices the slight difference in your tone, her head tilting slightly to the side.
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
“I’m fine, Olivia. I’m just tired.”
You feel her eyes survey the state of your body, causing you to instinctively wrap her coat tighter around you.
“Let’s go.” Her voice is soft and soothing.
The hand she places on your back is warm, carefully guiding you out of the apartment. The gentleness of her actions brings you a sense of genuine safety that you haven’t felt during the entire period of your undercover work.
The drive from Tommy’s building to the precinct is surprisingly quick, and you’ve managed to keep the thoughts gnawing at your mind at bay.
You drop the small box filled to the top with cassette tapes on the conference table; the thud and the sharp clatter of the plastics make Olivia’s and Elliot’s heads turn.
“These are all the tapes I got. They’re all labelled with the date and occasion.” You pause, stepping away from the table to look at the two.
“This isn’t all of them. David’s got the rest. He’ll prolly drop it off in the morning.”
“Jesus,” Elliot comments as he rummages through the box, reading the labels on each cassette tape.
“Those are the ones I got with the wire. The ones with David are the audio and footage of his apartment and office.”
Olivia plucks a tape from the box and places it inside the portable cassette player also found with the rest of the tapes. Before she presses play, you speak.
“If you want, you guys can get started. I’ll get changed.”
It’s been months since you last stepped foot inside the 16th precinct, and admittedly, you’ve missed it: the shitty coffee, sleep-deprived detectives walking around, almost crashing into each other from time to time, and the repetitive noises of the bullpen.
Some faces greet you as you pass by them, both new and familiar, and you head to the bathroom to change into a more appropriate outfit.
The usual sounds of the precinct are muffled in the bathroom. The reflection of the white lights from above against the shiny white tiles blinds you for a split second, snapping your brain out of its foggy haze.
It hadn’t been easy. The amount of horrendous things you’ve seen in the span of a couple of months alone could last you a lifetime's worth of trauma and therapy sessions. To this day, you still can not fully comprehend why some people do horrible things to others. So, for simplicity, you come to the conclusion that certain individuals are just evil. It isn’t a comforting thought, but it is one that can give your mind a semblance of peace.
The person staring back at you in the mirror feels disconnected. It truly had been months since you wore a plain t-shirt and loose-fitting pants with little to no makeup. You had to fit in, and at times, you fit in to that world too well. And right now, you can’t help but think if you’d be able to fit back into the actual life you have.
You blink at your reflection a few times, the running faucet sounding out the staticky state of your brain. Quickly splashing the cold water on your face, you take a deep breath, holding it in for a few seconds before slowly releasing it through your lips. You try your best to compose yourself, fully aware that it’ll be a long night ahead of you.
Elliot and Olivia had barely noticed your reappearance in the conference room as they had let themselves comfortably sit on the chairs while listening to the conversations recorded on the tape.
The scraping of the chair’s legs against the floor had caught their attention; they almost jumped at the sight of you. Elliot set his eyes on you, his gaze unwavering.
“What?” You ask, confused.
“Sounds like the man adores you.”
You let your ears pick up on the recorded conversation. It was the one where he had successfully earned the trust of a wealthy client, so he took you out to a five-star hotel.
“Well, it isn’t exactly all romantic dates when you’re with a man like him.”
The door swings open right after you speak, and Cragen walks in.
“Yn. You should go home and rest.”
Hearing the sound of his voice, Olivia breaks out of her focus and pauses the tape to give her full attention to their Captain.
“Thanks for the concern, Cap. But I don’t think I can sleep tonight. Not with all of this.”
He doesn’t argue with you. “Fine. But once I see you yawn a single time, you’re getting out of here.”
“Got it, boss.”
It doesn’t take long for Cragen to go back into business.
“Did any of you call our ADA?”
“Alex said she’ll be here in a few,” Olivia answers before turning to you with concern written in her features.
“Are you sure you don’t want to go home first?”
“Did he say anything?”
The way you’d ignored her question and changed the subject made Elliot raise his brows in surprise, not expecting you to ignore Olivia. The two of you were close after all.
“He wants to talk to you first before lawyering up.”
You feel your heart pick up its pace for a few seconds as everyone anticipates your answer.
Olivia notices you freeze for a second, reaching out to place a comforting hand on your shoulder. “You don’t have to talk to him if you don’t want to.”
It surprises you how soft Olivia’s voice is; it feels like she draped a warm blanket around your shoulders, giving you comfort with simple words.
“I know.” You stand up, giving her a reassuring smile before exiting the room with Cragen behind you.
Even when he’s on the other side of the one-way glass, fear still creeps up from underneath your skin. Tommy is a man who does his thinking with his dick, but he isn’t as clueless as one may think. He’s most definitely already pieced the puzzle pieces together, figuring out that you were a cop all along, but he only realised it when it was all too late. You were too good to be true, and that should’ve raised his suspicions early on.
Your Captain patiently waits next to you, also watching the man inside the interrogation room. Cragen finds him unusual. It is common for perpetrators like him to be furious when caught, and he’s expecting Tommy to throw a fit, especially when it is stated in your report that he’s quick to anger. But he remains calm as if he’s awaiting something or perhaps planning a revenge. The report also contained notes that Thomas Shepherd is unpredictable, causing Cragen to wonder how you found out about it. His mind starts to think of different scenarios, each worse than the last.
But before he could ask you to be careful, you’re already stepping inside the room.
The sound of the door opening catches Tommy’s attention, his head turning to see you standing still near the door after shutting it.
“You asked for me?”
He blinks.
“Sit down, please.” He gestures to the chair across from him.
A tension-filled silence fills the room after you settle into the chair, leaving a wide gap between you and the table. His piercing blue eyes wander all over your body, studying your clothing and body language, and it makes the small hairs on the back of your neck stand up. You’ve never been under his unyielding gaze before; it’s the telltale look in his eyes before he does something monstrous.
“What is it?”
Your brows slightly raise in confusion. Of course, he notices it.
“Your real name.” Tommy continues.
You let the silence drag, taking a deep breath first before you answer his question.
“Detective Williams.” You purposefully exclude your first name, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of knowing who you truly are.
“Isabella Shepherd fits you better.” He comments as his lips curve up into a small smile.
“What do you want?”
His eyes shine in amusement, having never witnessed you act this firm before. Tommy can tell that you have a certain fire in you, one that made you pursue a career in law enforcement.
He doesn’t answer your question. “The ring, where is it?”
“In evidence.”
Tommy takes a deep breath. He can feel his control slipping, his anger slowly seeping through the cracks as you notice his upper lip twitch involuntarily. Your heart pounds against your ribcage, and you’re already bracing yourself to be ready to deal with his erratic behaviour.
“Was any of it real?”
You never let your gaze wander away from his. “No.”
He stands up from his seat, slowly making his way to you. You tilt your head up, watching him.
“I highly doubt that everything that happened between us was just nothing.” He stops directly in front of you, his figure towering over you.
It’s an obvious display of power over you, with him looking down at you like you’ve been a pawn in his game all this time. You stay silent, not because you’re biting your tongue, but because your mind has become clouded with fear that you cannot form your thoughts properly.
“You felt something, didn’t you?” He whispers, placing a finger underneath your chin to tilt your head further back before softly grazing his knuckles against your cheek.
“If you didn’t, you would never let me touch you right now.”
Your jaw clenches as the fear morphs into disgust before becoming anger. You’re not sure who you’re mad at the most: this revolting man in front of you or yourself, because his words do hold some truth in them.
But you can’t let him see the doubt that’s slowly overcoming you.
“It’s my job to make you believe whatever you want about me.”
He smiles at your words, seeing right through you.
“You say no, but your eyes tell a different story.”
You only blink at him, keeping your composure before standing up without breaking eye contact with him.
“If you don’t have anything important to say, I’m leaving. I have work to do.”
A few seconds of silence pass by, his face only inches away from yours, and you can almost feel his breath on your skin. You finally turn away from him and start heading to the door.
As your hand turns to open the doorknob, he kicks the chair that you were sitting on, causing a loud bang to erupt as it hits the wall. Panicked, you quickly exit the room as he angrily pushes the table back, and you can feel the tears burning in your eyes.
“FUCK! I want to call my fucking lawyer!”
You flinch at his tone as you hold the door closed, worried that he might suddenly follow you out and unload his fury onto you.
“Are you okay?” Cragen asks, worried, as you slightly tremble in fright, barely holding yourself together.
You only nod, swallowing nothing as you take a couple of deep breaths to recalibrate yourself before facing your superior officer. To your surprise, a tall, blonde woman wearing a lilac sweater is standing next to him, with concern also visible in her eyes after watching your interaction with Tommy.
With how fast you’ve managed to compose yourself, the blonde introduces herself to you, not wanting the previous events to linger anymore.
“I believe we’ve never met before.” Her voice is deeper than you thought, draped with confidence that only a lawyer exudes.
She extends her hand, “ADA Alexandra Cabot.”
You firmly shake her hand, “Yn Williams.”
If Alex hadn’t managed to watch the earlier incident, she could’ve sworn that everything was fine with the smile you gave her.
“If you two need anything, I’ll be in the conference room with the tapes.” You glance at them before walking past them.
“Detective Williams.” Alex’s voice calls out; you halt your steps and turn around to face her.
“Yes?”
“I’m glad you’re okay. You did a great job with everything.”
Her words almost catch you off guard, feeling the heat rise up to your cheeks.
“Thanks.”
The walk back to the conference room is short, yet your mind has already gone to various places. His words keep replaying in your mind: “You say no, but your eyes tell a different story,” and you can feel the guilt bubbling in your entire body.
When you swing the door open, you’re expecting to see Olivia and Elliot still in their seats, but instead, David Martinez is in the room, tinkering with a VCR and a TV.
“Thought you’d drop these off in the morning.” You comment while approaching him.
David is the detective from Vice assigned to join you undercover, an aide to make things a lot easier and safer if it went to shit. Thankfully, you never needed his saving throughout the whole operation.
“The faster we can go through these, the better.”
He strays his attention from the boxes of tapes he brought, redirecting it to you. He immediately notices the troubled expression on your face and the stiffness of your shoulders.
“You okay? You seem a little…”
You sigh in response.
“He say something to you?”
You take another deep breath.
“Tommy proposed to me before the arrest.”
“Fuck. He must be mad.”
David knows about Tommy’s anger issues, as he has watched them through the safety of a screen. He never could understand how you’ve managed to last months with a guy like Tommy, impressed by your dedication and acting skills.
“He’s fuming, but he’s keeping it together. It’s terrifying. I’d rather let him beat me up in anger than whatever that was.”
You run your hand through your hair, your trembling finally settling down. Releasing another sigh, you change the topic of the conversation.
“Shouldn’t you be dropping these off to your Captain first?” You point at the tapes.
“Those can wait until the morning,” he shrugs. “This is your guys’ case.”
“Fair enough. I’ll be at my desk writing up reports.” You inform him.
Initially, you’ve planned to help them go through everything since there are hours upon hours of both audio and video recordings to analyse. But you can’t stand to hear or see his face after what happened in the interrogation room.
