#alexis lupin

[finemessiness]

day eleven. prepared.

Nothing could have prepared her for this day. 

She'd heard about this kind of thing before, about werewolves having mates. Her father had even found his while she was getting to know him. It was possible for a wolf to love someone other than their mate- case in point being her mother, Dorcas. The mate in question, however, would always hold the heart and soul of said wolf, no matter what. 

Remus had vaguely told her about what it felt like, how it seemed the world had stopped spinning and slowed down to really show her who it was. He said he was unfocused on anything but her for the moment, like everything else was blurred around him. He said he swore he could hear her heart beat, every breath she took. He said if she ever found her mate, there would be no question about it. She would know. 

Yes, he was right. She knew.

"I don't think we were properly introduced," were the first words he said directly to her as he extended his hand. "Cedric Diggory. I'm a few years older than you, granted, but I know I've seen you around. Hard to miss eyes like those." She'd forgotten how to speak. The girl who'd never been able to shut up was suddenly struck dumb, unable to remember her name, much less the way to make words come out of her mouth. She went into defensive mode, offering him a shy smile. "I'm being terribly rude, aren't I? I haven't even asked your name."

"A-allie. Jay- I mean, Lupin. I mean... Allie. Its just Allie." He grinned at her. 

"Just Allie. Its a pleasure to meet you, Just Allie." He looked over his shoulder as his father called him along. "I look forward to seeing more of you." 

---------

That day seemed like eons ago, a lifetime away. They'd shared secrets, exchanged smiles, learned the ins and outs of each other. She knew all there was to know about him. He was her everything, her whole world, her entire existence was made for him. 

So when they found themselves alone and lost in the heat of each other, it didn't dawn on her quite where it was going.

She could get lost in kissing him, in the planes of his body, in the rising and falling of his chest beneath her fingertips. They were young- he seventeen, she just turning fifteen- and they were in love. What was there to stop them?

He respected her limits, always. Never pushed. She loved him, she knew she did. But she just wasn't sure she was ready. He loved her too. She knew that.

Still, she never expected the smile that reached his eyes as he pressed his lips to her knuckles. 

"Of course we can wait. We have the rest of our lives for this. You're worth it." 

She never realized just how much she loved him until that moment.

--------

Nothing could have prepared her for losing him.

Nothing

[finemessiness]

day ten. silver

"Allie, I got you something." Draco pulled her aside, into an empty corridor, fishing for something in his robes. They had been best friends for five years now, despite the ups and downs and numerous fights. He was always there for her, and she couldn't have loved him more- as a friend of course. She was with sort of with Anthony Goldstein. 

But Anthony couldn't have gotten her a Christmas present quite like this. Draco opened the velvet box and Allie's hands flew to her mouth, covering the 'o' that had shaped on her lips. There in the box lay a silver and amethyst necklace. It was simple, the single stone not too large in size and surrounded by a band of the metal. Allie's face dropped as it dawned over her, a large sigh escaping her lips.

"What's wrong? Don't you like it?" Draco asked in confusion. She sadly smiled, looking up at him. 

"Draco, its silver. I've never been able to wear it, and now I know why. With my dad being a... you know... well, its not that it does real harm to me, but it does irritate my skin quite a bit." 

The wry smile that broke out over Draco's face was enough to make the blond pull her eyebrows together. 

"You act like I don't know these things, doll." He chuckled. "Its white gold. Last I checked, people like your father don't have reactions to white gold, and neither should you." Grinning wildly, Allie reached for the fragile chain and examined it more closely, opening the clasp and offering it to Draco. He took it from her and closed it again once it was securely around her neck. 

"I should've known you would remember that." She was still smiling that dazzling smile of hers, and standing close enough to him so that he could smell the intoxicating scent of her perfume. "And purple is my favorite color." That he knew as well. Staying as calm as he could, Draco pulled her in for a purely friendly hug. That was what they were. Friends. That was all they ever could be. 

[finemessiness]

day nine. move.

“Alexis, I don’t understand this.” Her father was leaning against her doorway as she packed box after box of her things, taping the top of the boxes shut.

“You know, people do exist without magic. Just because I’m seventeen doesn’t mean I have to whip my wand out for everything.” A very small part of her wanted to smile, remembering the time Molly Weasley had chastised her sons for doing just that. She held back, busying herself with packing again.

“That isn’t what I meant.” Remus’s voice was dry, exhausted. Allie didn’t respond, moving to folding her clothes almost meticulously. “Allie if this is about Dora, I-”

“Its not.” Allie cut him short, looking up. “Tonks is brilliant. I adore her. Its not her.”

“Then what is it? I’m not upset with you because of your relationship with Draco. You were always close to him. I always knew that.” She didn’t say a word. She didn’t want to talk about Draco. She hadn’t spoken to him in days. Not since the funeral. Not since she came home. Since coming home, she made arrangements for an apartment in London, knowing she couldn’t just return home like nothing had happened. “Allie, don’t shut me out like this. You and I have always talked. What’s so different now?”

Pushing a hand through her hair, Allie shook her head. “I can’t talk about this. You wouldn’t understand. You’ve always known exactly what you are and what side you’re on. I don’t… I don’t have that luxury.” He looked confused.

“You’re saying to me… that you would side with a man who would, given the chance, murder the people who raised you? A man who ordered the murder of your mate? A man who has been plotting the death of your best friend since his birth?”

“My best friend? You mean the boy who tossed me to the side when I needed someone? The one who accused me, just like you are? And you all wonder why I stayed so close to Draco this year.” She slammed her closet door. Remus tried to say something, but she cut him off. “Draco has never once pressured me into anything! He doesn’t talk to me about whether I’m a Death Eater of if I belong to your bloody Order. Its never about sides or politics, or what I’m doing past the rest of the day.”

“Allie, I never-”

“I need to go. I need to be left alone to pack, and I need to leave. I’m moving." She took in a deep breath, closing her eyes and willing herself not to cry. "I'll send you my address as soon as I'm moved in."

And that was the bitter end to that conversation.

[finemessiness]

in other news, i'm now considering sky samuels as either allie's face claim, or lyra's. 

[finemessiness]

day eight. companion

Her hand is shaking as she knocks on the door. She hears a stale 'yes' from the other side and enters, closing the door behind her. He is sitting at his desk, grading papers. He doesn't expect her there, but he hides the expression quite well.

"Professor Snape, sir... can we talk?" There's a long pause before he answers.

"Go on."

"Sir... I wanted to talk to you. Its... extremely private, and of the utmost importance that it stays that way... but I know I can trust you."

"And how can you be so sure? Your friend Mr. Potter wouldn't trust me even if his life depended on it."

"Because I..." She takes a deep breath. "I'm not saying I'm a seer like Professor Trelawney, but... I see things. Precognitions. Mostly they're in my dreams- sometimes in the form of horrible nightmares- and mostly they're centered around my parents." She waits a moment, seeing if he'll say anything. "I saw... you loved Lily." He freezes. "You still do... and you..." Her voice becomes quiet as she looks up. He is staring off, his eyes unfocused, as if trapped in a dream. "... enough to let her go." Its barely a whisper from her lips.

"To lose the one you care for the most to the bane of your existence.." He begins.

"Its physically... painful. You can feel it in your bones." She finishes.

"And so we run to something to aid us in our heartbreak, something to mask the pain..."

"Someone stable..."

"Even if it causes a great deal more of pain..."

"It's still better than the alternative." He looks over at her.

"I have greatly misunderstood you, Miss Lupin." She smiles just so.

"And I, you, sir." He offers her a chair and she takes it.

"What I do not understand is who it is you speak of. Surely not Mister Diggory. He was as infatuated with you as you were with him. And Mister Malfoy rarely pauses to breathe when he speaks of you." He pauses, waiting for an answer. She heaves a sigh. That is when it dawns on him. "It seems, Miss Lupin, that we have a great deal more in common than either of us bargained for. Do I detect struggles with a member of the Potter family?" She nods, not saying a word. "However talented, Mister Potter is as dim witted as his father was before him. You mustn't allow him to determine your happiness."

She smiles sadly. "It's a little late for that, professor." She looks over at him. For the first time in five years, she sees something that begins to resemble a smile. Its never fully formed and simply a ghost of the grins she's seen on his face in some of her dreams featuring Lily potter, but the fact that its almost attempted is what counts.

"Then it seems I will be teaching you more than just potion making this term." He doesn't say anything further, and makes it clear the conversation is quite finished, but somewhere within her, Allie knows this; in the last person she ever thought to trust, she found something she'd never truly had- a companion who understood her.

[finemessiness]

day seven. formal

Not a curl out of place. Not a thing she could find wrong. She had both her earrings, her necklace was clasped, her dress wasn't too long, her shoes were perfect. Not a nail was mis-painted... she felt like a bloody princess, and it was wonderful. She was a vision in ice blue, with her hair pulled back from her neck and knotted in a bun of curls, with small tendrils loose from it. It was a hairstyle her mother had perfected in her late years- Dorcas, not Cordelia. She'd seen it in a picture of her mother and father at Harry's parent's wedding, and decided it would be perfect for this. She stared at herself in the mirror one more time before taking a deep breath and descending the stairs of gryffindor tower. With one long look at Harry, she turned toward the door and started toward the Great Hall.

The walk there was long and silent, but she had grown used to that since her relationship with Cedric had been brought to light. People were treating her like a pariah, and though she was sure they would eventually get over it, for now, most of her existence away from Cedric was a lonely one.

When she made her grand entrance down the grand staircase into the Entrance Hall, she felt like Cinderella. All eyes turned to her, whether green with jealousy (in the case of some Slytherin brunette) or wide in awe or what ever else they were feeling. She blushed as grey eyes met hazel, and almost instantly, she looked down, tucking a curl behind her ear. His hand reached for hers as she took the last few steps, and he twirled her once before circling his arms around her waist. She grinned from ear to ear, still blushing.

"And how did I ever get to be this lucky?" He asked, reaching up to brush his thumb across her red stained cheek. "You're blushing. Its been weeks, and you're still blushing." He pressed a gentle kiss to one of her cheeks. "It looks good on you, Allie Lupin." He said before dropping his hand to take hers.

Professor mcgonagall explained to the two of them that they would be the first to dance, and with a look of worry, Allie glanced to Cedric. As always, he was calm, gently squeezing her hand for reassurance. "Don't worry. just follow my lead... quite literally, actually." He smiled, and her heart instantly slowed down. He was quite a good dancer. Allie felt like she was floating on air as they spun around. Halfway through the second waltz, they were interrupted. She couldn't imagine by who. At least, not until she saw him.

"May I steal her, Diggory? I promised her a dance." Allie knew that voice anywhere. She exchanged a quick look with Cedric before he nodded, pressing a kiss to the side of her head.

"I'll go grab us some drinks, yeah?" Allie nodded, smiling at him before turning back to Draco. She offered him her hand as his settled politely on her waist. They began turning circles around the dance floor, avoiding each other's eyes.

"I see you're still with him."

"I see you're still jealous." Draco stayed silent. Allie snickered slightly. "And here I thought green was your color. Hmm. I suppose I was wrong." She could see the tension in his jaw and shook her head slightly. "What exactly do you have against him? Other than the obvious jealous factor, I mean." It didn't seem like he could come up with an answer.

"Nothing. He's bloody wonderful, isn't he? Perfect and handsome and more mature and-"

"Yes. And accepting. He let you dance with me, didn't he? Do you think Harry Potter would've just let me dance with you? No. He would've done it over his dead body. And Cedric understands that we're friends better than anyone ever could. So just... count your blessings, alright?" She sighed, letting go of his hand. She slipped away from him and met Cedric at the punch bowl, resuming her easy smile.

Cedric would be the only other boy who truly posed a threat to Draco Malfoy. Cedric was the only other boy who ever truly captured her heart... and he hated that.

[finemessiness]

day six. flame.

Lyra asks different questions every day. Cordelia says its normal. All little girls go through a stage where they are curious about everything. Sometimes its simple things just like how the toaster works, or why she was wearing pink instead of orange. Sometimes it was why the sky was blue or the grass was green. Then there were the days when she would ask harder questions. Where was her daddy? Why was her name lyra? Why did mommy wear a ring around her necklace? 

Those were the hard days. 

Allie did her best to answer, saying she would explain it when Lyra was older, or that the ring didn't fit anymore, and that Lyra was just her favorite constellation. But it was hard. She didn't want to lie to the little girl with his eyes and determination. She hated lying. But the truth was too much for her four year old. And it was something she didn't want to explain while her relationship with Anthony was still new.

But one day, it was something Allie could not avoid. Little feet waddled their way over to where Allie was sitting and plopped a photo album in her lap. She laughed initially, pulling Lyra to sit on her legs and flip through the pages with her. "Oh that's Parvati Patil. She and I were best friends all through school. And that's your uncle George and his twin Fred... they were some of momma's best friends in school." when she came to the page featuring Allie and Harry through the years, Lyra smiled. "And that's Uncle Harry, right mum? I can tell by the glasses." Not the scar... the glasses. Allie nodded, glancing at the picture from fifth year, post Cho, of harry with his arms wrapped around her shoulders almost awkwardly, and another with her lips pressed to his cheek. There were pictures that made Allie blush- pictures of her and Cedric, pictures of her and Theodore, though he looked less than pleased in most of them. 

The hardest part was explaining the pages of Draco to her. They had the best pictures. They were smiling, laughing, holding hands. There was one from the Yule Ball that made her smile. "If you were so happy with him, why didn't you marry him?" Lyra asked. Allie sighed, smiling sadly. 

"Momma loved your daddy very much. And daddy loved momma too. But sometimes love just isn't enough to keep a family together, sweetie." That was when anthony walked in, resting a hand on her shoulder. "But momma loves Tony too. You know that, right?" Lyra nodded. Then she looked back to the book and found an old photo of the two of them, back when Anthony was the most awkward thing to grace the halls of Hogwarts. The both of them laughed, and he pressed a quick kiss to her lips. "Tony, is that you?" He nodded slowly. "That it is, baby girl. You see, that was back when I was a nerdy Ravenclaw, and I didn't even think momma had the time of day for me. I was just lucky she decided to rekindle an old flame."

Once Lyra was in bed, Allie curled up on the couch next to Anthony and smiled, resting her head on his shoulder. "I'm lucky the flame was still there." Even if he would never be her blond haired prince, he had always accepted that, and her daughter. Nothing else could mean more to her.

[finemessiness]

day five. haze

She is drunk. Her wine glass is half empty, but this is her third glass. The glass is large, one of those bulbous ones that emptied a bottle of wine within four glasses. She had no shame. Tears were dried on her face as she stared blankly ahead of her as if in some sort of trance. Her mind was racing, going over every memory she could recall at the moment. 

His hand taking hers as they left the Hogwarts Express.

Slapping him after calling hermione granger a mudblood, and listening to him beg for forgiveness for most of term.

Watching snowflakes fall around them as their hands interlocked in a snowbank on the grounds.

His strong arms holding her back as she attempted to jump from the stands toward Cedric Diggory's lifeless body.

The warmth of his sympathetic smile as she sat at the end of the Gryffindor House table alone.

The first kiss shared between tears. The shaking hands as they unbuttoned each other's shirts. The blush in her cheeks as he examined her naked body before kissing her again. The first night they spent tangled in his sheets, clinging to each other as if for dear life.

The night she'd shed tears thinking he wasn't coming. The look on his face as he slid his mother's ring on to her finger. The way their hands laced together under the table at her very first Death Eater meeting. The nights they spent kissing and crying and spending every second together.

The look on his face as she held on to George Weasley's arm and didn't join him. The way he glanced back at her before leaving with his parents. The way it felt to be back in his arms after weeks apart.

Seeing her with a ring on her finger. The dead look in Draco's eyes as he introduced his fiance, Astoria.

The test on her bathroom sink.

She knew the wine was bad for her. She knew what it could eventually do to the baby settled in her belly. But there was no other solution, nothing else she could think of doing. She could imagine the baby in her mind; pale blond hair, perfect green eyes, ivory skin. Her father's ambition, her mother's kindness. She would have to be named for a constellation. Lyra, maybe. or Pyxis. Corvus if it was a boy. Cory for short. None of that mattered though. Not yet.

She was lost. She was broken. She was alone.

She felt hopeless and homeless and lost in the haze of the wine.