#alexwr1tes

[alexm1lls]

eating parts of you that otherwise would've gone to waste

i think we all went over this moment here too fast.

i can't stop thinking about it - what if john wasn't just seeing and knowing stuff from arthur's head, but taking it all from him (uknowingly). just consider the potential horror of it - slowly losing body autonomy (eyes, hand, foot) and then, your life, your past. if your experience makes you who you are then what are you without it? how many parts of you are you ready to lose before you stop being yourself?

it starts gradually so both arthur and john don't really pay attention to it, there are, after all, too many things more important to focus on. when they discuss something, arthur tells some story and can't remember the correct word, but john does.

ARTHUR: And then I had a pleasure to just stand there and watch Parker running around getting chased by an angry… Huh. JOHN: What? ARTHUR: I just… wait, what's the word? JOHN: I don't know, you're one telling me the story. ARTHUR: Yes, I know! I just, I can't remember the word. It's like a big bird, like a duck but with longer neck and honking call, but not a swan. I swear it's on the tip of my tongue but- JOHN: … You mean goose? ARTHUR: YES! Thank you! Have you seen one before? JOHN: No, actually. Just understood what you meant. ARTHUR: Huh… Anyway, then Parker…

you know, it happens, no big deal. arthur's under a lot of stress lately, no wonder his brain fails sometimes. besides, who hasn't forgotten right words at least once in their lifetime? it's not weird that john, who hasn't seen any geese once, not as king not as john, knows the word just from description. who knows, maybe he's heard that word when they were in the hospital. it's okay.

except it happens again and again and again. first it's words, then it's some very specific details from arthur's past, like a book he's read when he was a child, or one of the first melodies he himself composed. it's not okay, it's so not okay. john, even if unintentionally, slowly takes parts of his host that arthur is not sure he's ready to give. of course they're not gone, john still has them, but it's arthur's life. his memories, his experience and feelings. can he take faroe? what happens if john takes faroe?

of course john can't control it (or so he says, arthur's really not sure), the piece of god tries to reassure him when arthur reluctantly brings this up as they travel the dreamlands after escaping in part 17 "the fall". telling john about faroe for the first time feels like gaining control again - at least this time he choose what part to give, to trust with. but what if even this small piece of autonomy is taken from him? arthur doesn't think he could survive that.

as he lies in the prison pits, angry, blind and hungry, most of all tired, arthur makes a promise. all of these assholes can go fuck themselves. arthur lester will kill everything, everyone and himself before he gives any of faroe up. beat him, torture him, starve him, manipulate him or peel the last of his humanity off him, he will keep his daughter to himself. john doesn't get to take her, to say her name again.

he shoves mad god's dagger into his throat thinking of faroe's memory dying with him. king in yellow can't separate john and arthur just as he couldn't convince arthur to let faroe go, not willingly. because if there's one thing arthur lester's quite good at - it's that he won't let go.

…

go through the blizzard, stumble through the snow.

think of your daughter.

find a cabin, force your way inside.

think of your daughter.

start a fire.

think of your daughter.

set your broken leg, choke on your whimper, repeat.

think of your daughter.

flip a coin, make a deal with god.

"I'll put him back, right where he belongs! I'll even give you your arm and leg back, and all these bits and pieces of your memory Marigold has eaten. But, not your eyes. You only have eyes for him!"

bits and pieces of arthur for john's memory as himself in its entirety. was it worth it?

arthur is not sure.

***

enter season 4. the tables haven't exactly turned but now john is losing himself as well. here they are - a blind man and a piece of god both not sure what to believe in, who to trust, what to give and what to keep. john is defensive, secretive, but he's also the only one arthur can trust. he's his eyes, his left arm, his right foot, word "goose", memory of reading "the tale of peter rabbit" and so much more. furthermore, john is friend.

JOHN: You do understand that this one is not going to me? If this works, it's gone. ARTHUR: Yeah, I suppose that's different… At least this time I can choose. Small mercies.

[alexm1lls]

season 4 of malevolent is definitely my favourite because it's hilarious to think about all the characters arthur meets. yeah yeah we all joke about season 4 being just all the men obsessing over this british wet cat with a piece of god in his head but let's just think about it:

• butcher: you get a "commission" to kill that one guy, nothing new, typical tuesday same shenanigans yk, but then you actually see that guy, and wtf is wrong with him. yeah he falls in your trap with name+ticket+note, goes to the back of the train and just when you think you got him, he fights you, tricks you. he's strange but he's interesting. you get to new york and by sheer luck get the adress, so YOU GOT HIM. little sad that you didn't get to kill him in the end but you've got loose ends and it's damaging the reputation so ok let's go kill the other guy. but there's just more trouble, what the hell - there's police and somehow they're onto you, HEY. and after all that trouble the said "commision" comes to you, and starts DEGRADING you in front of the whole hospital wing. only for you to get hit with a bedpan. humiliating. moreover, you get released from the police custody not because of larson's lawyers but b ecause the same 80-sopping-wet-british-supposed-to-be-your-victim comes to you and offers the deal to help him deal with the cult. apparently gods are real????? guys i just wanted to kill arthur lester why are we fighting cosmic horrors. and THEN there's THIS GUY, who appears out of nowhere, talks like he knows everything about anything AND THEN YOU STOP HEARING MUSIC. what a bad day for butcher

• marie: she should write a book called "unexpected consequences of renting out the room to british people". you get a call about the ad you posted recently, the guy is suspicious as hell but ok he's here in new york to make amends with his family and family is important (you would know). the same night your possessed sister, who did make trouble but never this severe, escapes. you panic, but said suspicious guy offers his help and you're desperate, so you agree, the priest who had helped before isn't really keen on helping now. so give this "parker" a chance. and he, against all odds, succeeds. you've got your sister back (apparently now she's not possessed), oscar lacks an arm and not really willing to share this story, but "parker" is mixed with all this. what a bizarre man. you're grateful, he's leaving, ig it'd be cool to exchange letters. imagine telling someone how posting an ad for a renting out solved your demon-related issue. insane.

• oscar: oh oscar, there's little to be said about this priest that's hasn't been said before. you're contacted about mr. scratch escaping, then this man shows up, threatening you (???) but when you're finally ready to be confrontational, he's... pleading. willing to help, and oh you're melting. you exchange information and depart after discussing what to research and how to contract one another. you find relevant info but when you call given number 1) uknown man answers and tells you that there's no one with the name parker; 2) said parker answers but then there's absolute chaos, screaming and shooting and wtf. you call for help, get to the hospital and then there's an absolute deranged parker showing up and thanking you for saving a life, he's hugging you. just this morning he acted like he held all the power over you, all-seeing and confident, but now he's worse to wear, beaten up and near-crying and muttering his gratitude to you. enter whole ep35 hospital scene that ends with you hitting a fucking serial killer with a bedpan. the man you saved arranges a little playdate for you and "parker". arthur is obviously strange: he talks to himself, doesn't notice some things that should be easy to notice, falls into sinister ramblings, but after you spilling your guts and him basically saving you from a relapse you see him as your purpose. yeah he lied to you, you're hurt that he didn't trust you it it all doesn't matter - god has put arthur lester in your path so you have to walk it. even if the said arthur lester has to cut your arm off with a rusty axe. and then arthur lester leaves. muttering excuses and apologies. drops you off near the hospital and leaves. did you fail? were you not enough? was it god's decision? god's punishment? what are you going to do now? write a letter. yeah, you should write a letter, surely despite a messy goodbye arthur will read it and understand your perspective. surely.

• noel finley: you leave dreamlands with a promise of this blind man with a familiar voice in his head and your partner's lighter showing up and needing your help. as you wait for two years i assume you form some vague expectation from said man. and then arthur lester shows up in the hospital after you yourself were called there about the butcher. he's standing here, rambling about the butcher, and he's acting str- wait a minute, could it be? care for a light? wow. deranged, beaten up, on a verge of collapsing from panic, but now is not the time to fall on your knees and kissing this man' boots saying "I've been waiting for you for two years, of course i will help you to take down a serial killer, i will help you with anything really". again, enter the whole ward scene when arthur lester unprompted acts as a distraction for dennis "butcher" collins, calls him dog, confesses his own crimes, his murders. when the butcher is dealt with (good work with a bedpan, father), you chat a little and oh. arthur gets it. "you already know about all the horrors beyond human' comprehension." doll, you have no idea. anyway, let's meet up later and have a proper conversation, you use time to find some information on arthur lester and yeah, toss all your expectation on your purpose out of the window. but that doesn't matter - you promised lorick. next day you talk to the guy again, he confesses to being blind and having a voice in his head and it's kinda funny how nervous he is. and then there's john. cool guy, they could be friends, right? fuck me, king in yellow? right after you met your purpose and relived all your past by telling its story to said purpose? no, nope, fuck this, anyway, why's arthur so cagey about john's identity? oh, oh. oh no. okay, anyway, hurts like hell but you get it. kinda unnerving to see how arthur talks to the reason of your nightmares like that, using the nickname "yellow" to literal god. "let down"? what are you, exes? well, it's obvious now that arthur has a lot of history he did not care to share with you. fuck you yellow fuckface. fuck you larson. come on let's take this assholes down. and what a rollercoaster it is. from hanging down the balcony to seeing john manifesting, to getting shot in the neck, to witnessing another god showing up, blowing collins' head up with a snap of fingers, sending larson and king in yellow to dreamlands and then he snaps again and you're gone as well. arthur lester, for fuck's sake, who are you?

i think we all know i rambled enough so i won't bother to describe Daniel's part "son-in-law shows up after several years of no-contact and literal minutes later you get confirmation that supernatural is real, and then you get shot by the guy who hunts arthur down. what a day huh" in details. you get the point, great season.

[alexm1lls]

joelthur headcanons because i can and I've been thinking about them for awhile:

• when noel enters the room he hasn't been in before, he firstly locates the window and takes the positions either near it or so that he can see outside. he likes to see and hear busy streets and people because king in yellow CAN imitate life but not THAT well - it's hard to make illusions authentic when there are too many elements to them. that's how noel knows he's out.

• due to lack of sight arthur becomes more attentive to other senses when investigating with noel - during interogations one would rather try to check for suspect's or witness' facial expressions or body language, arthur listens to wording, intonation and volume, he tells john to focus on image while arthur himself listens and remembers details. they share what they have noticed, comparing notes and building a profile later.

• arthur has breathing problems (we can hear examples of his ragged breathing when he panics) and in intense moments his heartbeat is quite loud and quick. sometimes when sharing a bed noel lies his head against arthur's chest and listens to his heartbeat, john likes to lay his hand on it to feel pulse - it calms all of them because a) arthur calms with intimate physical contact, b) noel and john like to hear that arthur's safe and FEELS safe with them. when tachycardic, arthur likes to joke that one beat for him and the next is for john, so he's not ill he just has two hearts (or his heart is busy, beating for two). noel sometimes picks up the rhythm of arthur's heartbeat and tries to think of songs with the same tempo.

• if there's a danger to their head, arthur's hand protects ear and john's protects eyes - they both preserve their main sensory organ

• john and arthur like their nails different - john tries to keep his hand clean and soft (yes even the wooden pinky, periodically he asks noel to file it so it's smooth) with a slightly longer nails while arthur has a bad habit of biting his cuticles and nails. john tries to slap arthur's hand away from his face if he sees but sometimes arthur is sneaky.

• when noel lived alone his room was always a mess - full ashtrays, dirty mugs here and there, sometimes even piles of clothes. it was a small act of establishing autonomy and "rules" in his own space - "I am leaving traces, I leave this dirt around, noone can erase my traces here, I decide what to put where and when to put it away" - in dreamlands he didn't have this privilege because king in yellow liked to change scenery, to wipe slate clean just so noel doesn't remember what's real and what's not. when arthur and john started to live with him they had to make quite a lot of compromises because even with john's help and guidance arthur is clumsy and keeps knocking off things of trips a lot. noel is not happy about it but with a passage of time starts to like the idea of john and arthur making a new routine WITH him, cleaning the dirt off his past - not throwing the dirty ashtray away but cleaning it and finding a better place for it

*sighs* i love them....

[alexm1lls]

warning i'm kissing the brick and throwing it at you

AU, what if the manager doesn't dislike arthur but had his own version of arthur (let's call him D string*) he loved and which had died and that's why it's difficult for him to talk to our middle c arthur - he's in grief, now faced with a man wearing the same face he kissed so long ago - but entirely different

• when lillith first mentioned creating the lure for kayne, the manager suggests kayne's version of arthur lester, and when asked "why" he says "because i would be obsessed with mine"

• the manager's arthur played violin**

• the manager calls middle c arthur "mr lester" because he can't call him the same way he called his - "artie"/"my love"/"darling", he has to maintain distance

• waylay is full of people B string arthur knew (version of parker and james) because manager himself can't let go and he surrounds himself with shards of his broken heart, pieces of their past hoping to stay linked to the vision of arthur

*as manager's arthur played violin, the manager uses not kayne's explanation of piano notes for multiverse but violin ones, thanks for info:

**in pre-finale show harlan was asked what instrument arthur would've played had he not chosen piano and the answer was violin, i quite like it

[alexm1lls]

broken radio

there's a moment in part 12 the end i keep returning to in my mind

i know intimately what arthur is talking about here. i think i haven't been able to be in silence for the last 5 years. i always have some noise in the background and if i don't - i try to distract my brain - reading, watching, ACTIVELY thinking about smth. even going to bed i turn some youtube videos to serve as background noise.

in rare moments of silence around me it's like a torture, i'm alone with my thoughts and i need to get out. the silence itself is not a state - it's a bridge between noise from the world to noise from my head.

what i'm getting at is that ever since i started thinking about kayne's brain as the always turned on radio - this moment in part 12 is linked to this simile.

i wonder if he felt relief when he had this moment of silence - finally, he's the messenger no more, the outer gods do not speak, the voices are silent. finally, silence. silence which is broken when there's a new voice - otherworldly nyarlathotep and his memories slipping through the cracks and filling kayne's head with a noise so loud he's cringing.

have you ever had your music in earbuds paused, then you forget about that and listen to smth else (e.g. voice message from a friend) raising a volume and then you return to music AND IT'S SO FUCKIN LOUD YOU FEEL LIKE YOU CAN DIE FROM A SHEER LOUDNESS, like your brain will explode?

mix it up with a pure dread of realising your head will never be silent, with each and every new nyarlathotep killed your head becomes more and more "crowded". no wonder kayne was suicidal - live like that for a day you will want to tear out your own ear canal - kayne lived like that for god knows how long.

when i was small we had this big old mp3 player which could work as a radio or you could play your own tapes. it was old even then and the signal, as you can imagine, wasn't the best - one wrong touch could disturb the reciever and all you could hear until you fixed it - loud static mixed with old player screech. i imagine kayne like that.

also it fascinates me how there is a distinct parallel between kayne's wish for silence but inability to gain it versus arthur's "odd sensation" at it.

again with their different sense of self (i talked about it here) now regarding silence in their head - arthur had it but was robbed of it when he met john, and yet when he gained it again (in coda and in 58) he was INSTANT to gain the voice in his head back. for arthur silence = loneliness, he's afraid of it, he's afraid of being abandoned and being alone. knowing what we know of his backstory - I'm not surprised.

kayne doesn't understand it - for him arthur is WEIRD to want that radio turned on, he doesn't understand how arthur can choose to gain john back even if it takes his sight away.

that's because for arthur radio silence is about loneliness and for kayne it's about control. he says it himself during first meeting:

"Look, I often wish I had two voices in my head Instead of, like, seven million?"

he's ready to leave the radio turned on ONLY if he has control of the channel and volume. he wants his own new mp3-player, not the old wreck that his dad got him. and the most tragic thing - kayne threw old one away, and then went to hardware store and bought exact same one.

[alexm1lls]

i love detective noel and his canon relationship with arthur with all my heart, but part of me will always mourn the potential horror angst and comedy of them interacting.

i never really looked into it but in hindsight arthur was waaaay too quick to reveal possibly his biggest secret (john) to noel. arthur, buddy, last guy you met who knew of horrors of the outer worlds, knew secrets behind the curtain of reality - was larson. now you meet this detective and after he confirms that he's certainly "in game" you tell him about john? i know the circumstances i understand, truly, but still.

I'd really like to read/write au where arthur is suspicious as hell towards noel

noel: yeah you took over my old office

arthur: uh-huh, what a coincidence 🫤

noel: i was the prisoner of king in yellow for 10 years, he threw me into the prison pits and tortured me

arthur, not buying: damn, he's just like me fr 🙄

noel: shuffle off this mortal coil [...] what, you sound smart, you've never read hamlet?

arthur, reaching for his gun: that's what king said to me when he was in my head

john: he's been through so much, as much as us if not more

arthur: how convenient, the guy with all the right hooks just walks into our lives just as we're getting near larson and after we escaped dreamlands and after we've lost track of yellow and after mr.scratch rummaged through my head.

i want arthur PARANOID, i want him AFFECTED by what he's been through. i want him questioning EVERYTHING. willing, trully willing to connect to people and yearning for the sense of normality but UNABLE to trust anymore. imagine the tragedy of discovering that your trauma and experience have in fact CHANGED you, you denied it and ran from this so long, pretending that you can always bounce back and you can always stride forward but then you are faced with the fact, rubbed your nose in it - you can't.

on the other hand - noel, who wandered this plain of reality for two years in search for his purpose - fulfilling his promise to lorick, finding this mysterious blind man with a familiar voice in his head and helping him in this quest of his. but hope is bleaker and bleaker each time you fail to meet him and then, when you've basically given up - you meet him and he's NOTHING like you envisioned - of course you never pictured god (in fact, you ran away from one 2 years ago) but there was a certain expectation of some idol, almost superhero, one they talk in booka or comics - the one you meet and he has his story and goal straight, one who knows what he needs and you're just the right man to help, to aid and provide. the one with presence so strong you forget you're damaged.

and then you meet arthur lester - yeah of course you could say that his presence is strong, but there are so many layers to it. layers you're familiar with because you're used to see some of them daily, in the mirror

the way he talks pondering over every word, the way he sits in the booth ready to run any second, the way he's always aware and alert of his surroundings, ready to fight. he's not a hero, not an idol, he's a blind man, afraid and damaged. one trying to survive more than to achieve some noble goal.

you tell him the truth about your story, trying to connect and show that you can be trusted - and with every turn you gather he's pulling away, doesn't believe you, questions every word and hides behind another wall. like the horrors you've lived through ARE the reason to doubt you, not smth to bond over.

noel expected to be sidekick in arthur lester's story, to help and forget his own shadow parts, to leave this behind not because he's afraid, but because "there are more important things to focus on than my trauma, damaged charlie dowd can wait (never surface again)".

instead he's faced with mirror he hates looking into. the worst part? the mirror might hate him too.

[alexm1lls]

some time ago i saw a post saying smth like "arthur should get weird about anybody touching the back of this head yk after part 59 and what kayne did" and since then (maybe longer if i'm being honest, i LOVE making arthur miserable and weird) i've been pondering the thought "what if we take it further?"

make him weird BEFORE THAT, make him WEIRDER:

yes of course make him weird about someone touching the back of his head, but not because of kayne, no. because of the creature in larson's mines. yk the one that attached one of its tendrils to the back of his head/neck to absorb arthur into collective consciossness TWICE, the one that had to be carved out of his body with a jagged piece of obsidian. make him twitch when someone gets too close to his neck, give him a tick when his hair get long enough to brush the skin on the neck, like a splinter that you definitely got out but damn it itches it's like it's still here, just let me check again, did you get all of it? are you sure?

make him hate the dry feeling on his mouth, make him panic at the slightest feeling of thirst. john do we have enough water on us? trust me when i say this - you experience a truly dry tongue once, you try to avoid feeling it again at any cost. arthur should feel that after the pits.

not really original but yeah honorable mention - food issues. power it up that he's blind and all he can rely on is texture, smell and taste. ham has a gristle in it? omg is that cartilage, john what's going on? hair accidentally gets in the dish? huh, it's not braided is it? and suddenly the bug that just happened to drown in his soup taste the same from the makeshift grave he dug mr. faust out of. he thinks he can still feel his teeth grinding on dirt.

i actually use it in my arthur's design but the torn skin on his cheek should go to his eye and bulge, idk if anyone noticed but i think it's a cool idea. also good opportunity to make john weird about smth getting too close to his eyes (personal experience again - i can't stand knives and needles pointing at me at arm's lengh, it's hideus, i see a sharp end even remotely turned to me i'm in panic, and considering how many times john had to witness arthur getting hurt i think it's fair for his character to not like sharp object pointed at them even if it's not in threatening manner)

i think it's truly sad that we as listeners didn't get arthur falling out of habit of using his left hand and right foot in season 3. he's so used to not feel them that when he gets to feel them again he just... forgets. e.g. he tells yellow to help him to hold smth and yellow takes a second and then asks confused "how do you expect me to do this?" and arthur is ready to shoot smth salty back but then it clicks. he controls both hands now. furthermore, he stumbles or limps with his right foot, failing at putting weight at it.

i already said it in my post about noel and arthur's relationship so i'm not repeating all of it, make arthur unable to trust easily

and so on and on, make this pathetic british wet cat miserable, i want to watch him getting twitchy like a bug, it's fun!

[alexm1lls]

malevolent x heathers the musical crossover

arthur - veronica

kayne - jd

king in yellow - heather chandler

yellow - heather mcnamara

john - heather duke

do you see the vision