#ali confesses

[deathisnotme]

I hate it when people say they love me.

[completelysoulless]

I want to sleep and fade away, while my body goes on autopilot for as long as it can.

[deathisnotme]

Perverted Thoughts (Don’t Read)

I don’t know why, but when Valentine’s Day came the only thing on my mind was my recent ex’s lips. Pretty fucked up, I know. He’s done terrible things to me, but something about those naughty, heated, lush lips still gets me weak in the knees.

I remember feeling those lips on my own when he took me to my college’s Lakeshore. He was so adorable then. He was standing so close to me, looking down at me with what looked like love in his eyes. I think he was a little scared, as if he would mess it up for us. I gave in to him because I couldn’t wait anymore, I had to savour his lips. And so I did. He held onto me tight and I think that was one moment that I truly experienced happiness.

Three days later, late at night, things began to get a bit... explicit. We were in his car, and that was when I first experience, as I mentioned before, how naughty and heated his lips were. I never wanted him so much in my entire life. Everything about him, it felt too good.

Things then got kinky and it felt amazing. But then... It became too toxic. There were still those tender moments in the toxicity that still makes me smile sometimes. Like the time we were in my basement and he had rested his head against mine and asked me what he looked like. I laughed and told him he looked like a cyclops. He moved a tiny bit back and asked what he looked like now, and I said he looked like the Snapchat filter with the big lips and eyes. That made him laugh. After that, we made love.

Then there was the time he came over and watched Veronica. There was this little boy who played the main character’s baby brother and my ex said that was what our son would look like and his name would be Jaime. I don’t know why he would want to name our son after the man who lost his hand and had an incestuous relationship with his sister from Game of Thrones, but he really beamed at the name Jaime. And then we would argue whether his last name would be his last name or he would be an Ali. During the movie though, he was teasing me and I couldn’t take it anymore. I decided to straddle him and we went at it, but he couldn’t handle me being on top because I was teasing him back at that point. He lifted me up while I was straddling him and had set me on the ground with him on top. When he did that, he put his hand at the back of my head to make sure I didn’t hit it when he put me on the ground with him being on top of me, holding me tightly. Something about that gesture did something to me. It made me realize how tender, caring, and loving he truly was.

Oh god, I remember last year on Valentine’s Day, we went to see Fifty Shades Freed and it was not that great, but spending time with him and watching a BDSM movie that he was into and I was somewhat into it was what made the movie perfect. Also, he had gotten an erection from watching the sex scenes and had to cover it when his jacket which made it hilarious. I had to try not to laugh too hard in the theatre.

And then came the events that I knew was going to happen as soon as he had taken pictures of her and sent it to me on Snapchat for streaks. I sensed something was wrong with her then and my sensors or instincts were correct.

I still don’t fully understand what happened, though, or what was going through his mind back in May 2018. When he came back to see me right after breaking up with me, he said he’ll always feel connected to me in some way. And that was it. The end. I left Toronto, my home, because his toxicity and his whore’s obsession over me was too much to endure.

Sigh... This is something I shouldn’t be posting, but this is some sort of analysis I have to complete. I think it’s the fact I miss that. I miss being in love. I don’t love him anymore, but I want to experience that sort of thing with someone else. I want to experience more with someone I could love and who could love me back. But I am so scared. Any time someone shows any sort of feelings towards me, I shut down and isolate myself. I don’t know what I want anymore. And I don’t know what to do with this conditioned shift in my personality that I experience so much.

[outcastiology]

My crush on Feyd feels surreal because why must I have a crush on you, sir?!

[completelysoulless]

Showering in a somewhat transparent stand-in shower almost had me taking nudes LOL.

[deathisnotme]

I made a weird poem thing about my skin.

I hate it here. Just let me rot.

[completelysoulless]

I’m a mom and it troubles me that NOW I’m experiencing my girl interrupted era. Like wtf. Bad timing.

[deathisnotme]

My life has now become more about me surviving rather than living. My life is more about me being practically half-dead and dissociative to the world rather than enjoying and thriving in life. I don’t even feel human anymore. I’m a walking corpse with a shattered heart and a broken mind.