I don’t know who to talk to, so I’m just going to squirrel this away here since it probably won’t get looked at anyway?
I’m scared to examine my identity. I’m scared to be trans. I’m scared to ask for he and him. I’m scared to find out if I like it. If it feels right. I want to be pretty. I didn’t think I could want that and also be a guy, but I’ve learned recently that I can want both. I can be both. It terrifies me that I can’t stop thinking about it. I get away with being NB because I don’t really have to fight anyone on it. I don’t tell most people. It feels somehow safer to be in that grey area. I don’t know how to explain that. The fact of the matter is that I don’t correct people often as it is. But I think a lot about being a man. I think a lot about what it would be like to transition. I can’t tell if I dislike the feminine parts of my body; general insecurities and legitimate dysphoria is hard to separate. Some days I feel confident. Attractive. Some days I can’t connect what I’m seeing with who I am. I don’t know how to explain it.
I keep trying to chronicle moments when I didn’t align, but I don’t know if those moments mean anything. I keep questioning myself because what if I put this label on myself and then it’s wrong? What if I’m faking? What if I’m not? What if I’m not and suddenly I have to live that struggle? What if the way the world is right now become even more dangerous for me?
Here are a few things I know:
i like the male body; i imagine myself with it sometimes
my mom once told me when i was maybe 5? or 6? that if I had been born a boy I would have been named Ashton. i’ve always liked that name more. in junior year i started having people call me that
i’ve fantasized a lot about being a man but i’ve also wanted to have a more fit hot-girl look so maybe i just like the idea of being attractive
i’ve always liked male-coded things. wanted to fit into them. played with g.i. joes and video games and sports and rough-housing. i didn’t learn to love makeup or bright colors till i was 16-17. maybe i just rejected femininity because i was one of those “not like other girls” types as a kid. i called myself a “tom-boy” a lot
i want to look pretty. i like fashion. i like pretty clothes. that’s not a strictly female thing, of course, but it makes me feel like i’m lying.
I’m not sure what it means. I’m not sure if I’ve always known in some way. Being unsure makes me think I’m lying. Faking. I don’t know. There’s not a handbook for this. I sat in the bath and drifted somewhere between panic and disassociation thinking about this. I looked at pictures of transitioned guys and wanted to cry. I don’t know why. I’m just so very very confused. And scared.
