Guys uh so uh im thinking of being Ivan from Alien Stage cause its peak and I wanna be a yaoi man, uhm. Ima be school AU though because if im anything else i might go bankrupt. My friend MIGHT be Till. And I can already hear the allegations 💔
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
I wanted to spend a little time yapping about my Alien Stage Modern AU (Ivan x Till) and the context for some of the art I made for it. It'll include significant spoilers for later in the story, so here is your warning not to continue reading if you would like to read & remain spoiler-free.
Warning: the following discusses SA, and my ramblings are purely about the versions of the characters in my story, rather than suggesting this is canon variations of them.
Obviously, I am no artist! But I found myself in a bit of a writing slump over the past week, where I found myself wanting to think about and explore an element of the AU I am nowhere near writing about... Usually, that is fine, I'll regularly draft mini outlines or the bare bones of scenes and keep a record of it for when I'm ready to fully flesh out the scene, but I'd already done that, and really I didn't have anything else to add at this stage. I just wanted to spend some time with it... so that's where the art came from! haha
So, for some context - Ivan in the story I'm telling maintains much of the canon backstory he has, just with the usual 'modern' twists. He was adopted by Ushna and his wife as a young child, taken out of poverty, and was brought up in a very wealthy household (I never said the background was unique haha). Ushna is involved with organized crime, and very successfully so. The intention being that one day, Ivan would also take his place within the family 'business'.
Like canon, Ushna may provide home, shelter, and wealth, but he does not provide the normal familial love that a child requires. From Ivan's childhood, he has been raised as a possession, something to own, curate, someone who has always had to perform. Which he does excellently.
When I was planning this AU, I usually found myself being drawn more towards Till, and being interested in exploring the impacts of the abuse he experiences. However, through writing the first chapter, which is entirely in Ivan's POV and especially his recent birthday art... I've found myself becoming really fascinated with him and delving into his mindset. Although, I must admit I do find him much more difficult to write! Till's voice is much more in my normal comfort zone.
Anyway... coming back to the art. In my AU I've taken direct inspiration from the birthday art and the implications from Round 6 of Alnst. I appreciate that everyone may have different interpretations, but I do think that there is a strong possibility that Ivan has experienced sexual abuse, and I have chosen to mirror that in my modern AU.
This particular collection of art references a scene much later in the AU where Ivan reflects on the abuse he has experienced, although I also think it leans heavily into being a relevant view of how he views himself and experiences his inner world in general.
Starting from the age of 15ish Ivan begins sleeping with some of his father's influential associates/business partners. Ivan is used as another negotiating tactic, another pawn by Unsha, and ofc Ivan remains obedient, compliant throughout.
Because the tragedy of Ivan's sexual abuse by older men wasn't horrifying enough apparently, I've planned that the first time it happens, Ivan was not specifically the target, but Till was. Unsha having arranged a meeting while Till had been arranged to stay over, perhaps the associate having seen Ivan and Till together previously. I haven't completely worked out all the specific details yet, but Ivan is aware of what his father planned (whether his father outright tells him or not I haven't decided), and so when the situation arises, and the associate feigns interest in Till's musical ability alluding to having the power to help him with his career, and Ivan knowing that he cannot let that happen to Till, effectively chooses to degrade Till in front of the associate and his father, implying through Till's family circumstances that he is dirty, and essentially not good enough, anything to make Till less appealing. This is obviously devastating for Till and feels like a huge betrayal, and he leaves, but Ivan succeeds in putting the associate off Till. Naturally, Unsha is furious, and with this being a massive business deal, it needs to be rectified, and Ivan inherits Till's place. I think on some level this does disgust Unsha, because Ivan is his possession, and he does feel Ivan as an extension of him is 'above' this, unlike Till from the abusive, broken home. However, Ivan proves himself valuable, and he chooses to override his gut reaction in favor of what Ivan can bring him. But it does permanently alter Unsha's view of Ivan, and later will color his reaction when Ivan's sexuality and feelings for Till become apparent.
So horrifyingly for Ivan - he views the abuse of himself as the better option, the right option, because he is able to save Till from this fate. Like canon, he places a lot of value in Till's fight / 'light ' and believes that to allow this to happen to Till would be worse than enduring it himself. Interestingly, I don't feel Ivan would even view what is happening to him as sexual abuse, because he willingly accepts it. Views it as transactional. Buries anything that might be harmful to him to think about or feel.
I was particularly inspired by the lyrics for Dying For You - Charli xcx for Ivan's mentality.
'Ever since I can remember, I've felt it in my bones, A tragic destiny was reserved for me all on my own, But oh I didn't know why, oh no no I didn't know, But then I saw your face and realised I was dying for you, Cause you're a gun to my head, and you're a wound in my chest, Yeah you're my favourite jewellery worn just like a noose 'round my neck, I'm losing gallons of blood, the rivers turning to red, I got a smile on my face, I bleed even more, All the pain and torture I went through, All makes sense to me now, I was dying for you, even right at the end, I'll keep dying for you'
This all creates a conflict for Ivan that he does not consciously acknowledge any impact that this has had on him, while it's also all over him, remembered in his body and clouding his view of himself as a person. He very much internalizes the idea of him being an object, and viewing his attractiveness as something that he is able to weaponize and yield to his advantage. A large theme in my AU is the idea that Ivan views himself as a 'monster' and the confusing mental and emotional landscape he survives in only reinforces that for him. He also has very intense feelings for Till (paratise song mention lol) in this AU like canon, and while this is not caused by the abuse, it's just another tally of evidence as to why he views himself as 'immoral'.
The art itself was inspired by a scene where after a night of drinking Till discovers what happened to Ivan, albeit after finally ending up back in each other's lives after many years apart, and while they are drinking. Till shares how he lost his virginity (during the time they were apart), and Ivan, wanting to avoid the subject of himself, initially lies, but Till senses he is untruthful, which leads to an uncomfortable interaction before Ivan admits it was when they were in school, the truth trickling out slowly. Till is surprised and a little jealous - given how close they were in school before their separation. However, when Ivan provides context on who it was with, Till begins to piece the horrifying puzzle together. Ivan does not present it as abuse, only fact, but Till can see it for what it was. Ivan is resistant to any suggestion that it was not consensual or damaging for him in any way.
Again, while I don't have all the details yet, I want Ivan (maybe he becomes intoxicated?) to slip that it would have happened to Till if not him, and his belief that Till wouldn't have coped, unlike him, who could manage it. This obviously would be an awful thing for Till to hear.
Ivan's main confession will actually come from two things (again, I'm imagining Ivan will need to be basically at pass-out drunk levels for this to happen, given how high his defenses are) - firstly, that Ivan sometimes enjoyed the physical act of it. This adds to Ivan's belief of him being damaged/wrong/monstrous. But secondly, that he sometimes thought of Till.
A survival strategy in the face of horrendous abuse against his body and self, where somewhere in his mind he could reach for what felt safer and comforting, could give him some small private sense of refuge. But afterwards, instead of seeing that for what it was, Ivan feels guilt for escaping through Till, believing that he used Till, dragged him into something filthy, allowing his feelings for Till to be contaminated. Ivan believes that this reveals something fundamentally wrong with the way he loves Till.
Ivan will ask for Till's forgiveness, also believing that this was why in a sexual encounter they had when they were teens Ivan was too 'rough'/'forceful' with Till, (and that situation is for a whole other ramble...) and utterly devastated Till will give it, although he will know that there is no forgiveness required, but that it's what Ivan is seeking in that moment, and in Ivan's intoxicated state and Till's natural overwhelm, I don't see them exploring the nuances of it in that moment lol.
So, I wanted the art to reflect what happened to Ivan - but also how he manages it within his own body and self. Most of the pieces are about what it has done to Ivan as a person, rather than the physical act of it. Although it is present there too. I used blue for Ivan's repression and stoicism, and red for the bleeding of hurt he can't erase (and mixed with love in the final image. Hurt and love are very intertwined for him).
He needs to become bigger than his physical body; he needs to take control of the narrative and of his mind, but the evidence of it is all over him. he can't stop the drag of hands over him, claiming him, the 'figures that have controlled him and forced him to be smaller to survive. The chains btw, do not hold his hands down; they are just tight around his body, because he never needed to be physically restrained. In every piece he doesn't reject what is happening, he accepts it and endures, only blocking out part of the sensory reality. His obedience, another survival strategy, is something that makes him feel complicit in his own harm (it doesn't, in case I need to spell that out). He had internalized the harm and given it his own face.
The images also include 'see no evil, speak no evil, hear no evil' with Ivan covering his eyes, mouth, and ears. He doesn't acknowledge the truth; he doesn't want to feel the truth, and he is almost consumed by the monster he believes he has become. Although that same 'monster' also is what protects him. The art also fits nicely with the shame and belief he bares in his belief that he harmed Till (again, this is already too long for me to talk about that).
The image of Ivan's mouth being covered is also directly inspired by this part in the first chapter "A chill passed beneath his clothes. Cold, filthy hands sliding up his body, his skin. Ugly fingers pressing past his lips and reaching down into his throat, as though his body understood the accusation before it could form in his mind." This part was added to directly reference Till's words reminding his body of his own abuse, like an automatic reaction, although he does not name it, and it is not disclosed to the reader at this point.
Also, Ivan is based on the design for angel Ivan (hair lol), partly because that's my favorite design... but also because I liked the comparison between angel Ivan and his view of himself as a 'monster'.
The art was also heavily influenced by 'Control' by Halsey. I felt the lyrics were very fitting for Ivan's situation and I think my influence is especially apparent in these lines.
'The house was awake with shadows and monsters, the hallways they echoed and groaned, I sat alone in bed til the morning and crying 'they're coming for me', I'm bigger than my body, I'm colder than this home, I'm meaner than my demons, I'm bigger than my bones'.
I haven't decided if I'll add any more parts, but I will see! There is probably tons more I could ask, but I think that's all I have in me for tonight haha.
