#alltimeisaac

[smi1ebig]

I think I'm making progress with trusting people but then something happens and I have to start all over again...

[smi1ebig]

Spring Break is Over

And I feel as though I am gonna fall right back into that pit of despair again. I'm trying so hard not to. I just get so anxious and so scared of what will happen to me. I don't think it helps that the only way that I can release these emotions are through typing on Tumblr or Twitter. I don't even feel like I can talk to myself about it in a sense. I just fake my way through the day and hope to God that someone will reach out and try to help me from myself but it never happens, it will never happen I guess. I just have so much faith in someone that I haven't met or have met and am just not aware that they can help. It's so frustrating that over and over again I feel like I fail myself and the ones around me with my petty bullshit that seems so small to other people but crush me every day. I just don't get why I am not normal, not in the "I am like everyone else" but just able to cope and live a healthy life without thinking about killing myself over things like, why I am alone and why I failed this test. It happens to everyone right? Everyone has a bad day right? It's like I know all the answers but I can't feel it in my heart when I am at that point. I just feel so alone even though I'm not but I've got so good at hiding it that I can't even recognize it when I am out with friends until I get into the quietness of my room and think. Think about everything I could have done differently to make my life a little bit more "happy." I will eventually out grow this, at least I have faith that I will now, and maybe one day I can help someone like this. That's all I've ever wanted, for NO ONE to feel like me. Maybe that's my biggest fault, I care and that's what causes this hurt and this anxiety and this depression and everything else that is a fault in me. I am just rambling, Spring Break is Over and I am about to just become this shell again, let's hope I get out of it, yeah?

Isaac 

[smi1ebig]

Love Never is Given Out Evenly

When I was in an in patient mental health program I went through a class on love. The lady in the class explained to me how love is a give and take situation. If you imagine love as a penny back, you insert a certain amount of your time and energy into this love bank and then your significant other takes from this bank or puts more in or does nothing.

Once I got out I forgot about it and pushed it to the back of my head. I don't know what brought it up today for me but if you apply it to each and every person you love in your life it really teaches you abut your friends and family. You have the takers, people who just absorb your love assets and do nothing to restore the funds by returning that love. You have the indifferent people who do nothing but watch you put in the love tokens and say they care but you don't see them returning that love. Then you have the givers who just shower you with love but sometimes that's a fault too. Then you have those perfect people who evenly take and give back what they take, those are the people you keep around.

Well, basing my life on that, I tend to give a whole lot more then I should to everyone I love. Yeah, some people give it back and are the perfect people but most aren't and that hurts but what can I do to fix it? I teach myself to love with limits and not put that much effort into someone who doesn't put that much effort in me. It's in that where I will find peace with myself and everyone in my life. 

That was just a thought, anyway

Isaac

[smi1ebig]

Epiphany And Other Words Describing A Realization

I was never living my life with proper determination, with the drive to actually do something with my life and taking the steps to get too it. I am pretty lazy and unmotivated when it comes to certain things like school and lifting weights because that is extra "effort" that has to be exerted from my body and ain't nobody got time for that! But now that I am in the bind where I am being told I have a set amount of time to live I have been looking at my life as a whole lot of "should have"s and "could of"s. I don't think anyone understands the amount of pain I am going through everyday and I can't be mad at them because how they are suppose to sympathize with me being broken like I am. But I'm not going to be down on myself, I'm gonna live my life the way I should always have, working hard  and not saying no to everything because it's "weird" or "not normal." (Still don't understand what normal is because..., I digress.)

All I am saying is that if you're lucky enough to live don't not take chances, don't not make big and small mistakes and be upset at them, learn from them and push forward. Just be you and don't judge anything until you try it at least once. It's like how my mom made me try new foods, one no thank you bite and you don't have to eat it again (made me love onions and garlic and so much more delicious food). Just take a bite out of life and see if you like the taste 

-Your Friend Isaac

[smi1ebig]

It's finally clicking

I’ve had a pretty tough life and it just keeps getting tougher. Yeah, I know everyone has it rough and everyone has baggage but I’m not complaining about it right now. I’m glad that all these negative things and people were in my lives, more actually then the good people in it. The terrible incidents in my life taught me to be kind, taught me to be strong, taught me to care to much and love way more then I need too. Yeah, I have baggage but I’m not gonna let the negativity run me anymore, I’m gonna let it push me to strive another day.

[smi1ebig]

It’s Okay

I cry a lot

Enough to fill a river

But you know what

It’s Okay

I have no more energy

To get up and try

But I still do it

Because It’s Okay

I wanna die

Everyday the sun rises

But I do it anyway

Because It’s Okay

I don’t fret

I don’t worry

Because one day

It will really be Okay

And that’s enough for me

So it’s okay.

[smi1ebig]

New Video!!!!

[smi1ebig]