#almosttexts

[tylindathegreat]

A letter to No One... a series... part 2

This one isn’t written by a drunken fool whose in love with no one and someone at the same time... this one is penned by a girl, in the middle of the afternoon, feeling more alone and distant than before.... but whose to say it even matters? It doesn’t matter to you, right? Maybe it does... I’ll never know. So why does it matter so hard to me? Why do my thoughts want to escape more than ever before?

Scared doesn’t describe the way I feel... scared is only the word I can think of when my head stops spinning. I wish it was easier. I wish I could say what I wrote wasn’t how I felt but than I’d be lying... to you? No. Never. I’d never lie to you.

Would I lie to me? Always. Until the end of universe.

I’m always lying to myself. Because I want to not care about some random person who walked into my life on a random day wearing a stupid uniform. Yet here I am. Caring for someone who continues to not care. -At least thats what it looks like. - I care for someone. I care for no one. And it’s all so confusing.

I’m Still throwing myself into your view.... for what? For the same thing as before? For the same response that I always get? I’m to soft for all of this. I’m to small of a personality. Your personality blocks the sun and I’m still writing words from a cold place. The sun gives my personality warmth. The sun fills me with everything. It comforts me. It gives me feeling. And I can’t find it anymore. Maybe it’s secretly the moon that fuels me.

Maybe that’s why this place I am feel comfortable. I’m okay with this and I shouldn’t be. I want this. But I don’t. I want to keep trying. But I don’t.

I’m scared of scaring you away... but i will. I always do. No one has been up to the task. I’m to in myself for anyone else. This is where I come to breathe. The warm beach before the sun rises. It’s always been my happy place. Right before the sun comes up. It represents me. All the colors, the sounds, the calm... you’ve seen this. I feel like you understand. But than again no one understands.

[tylindathegreat]

If only I was enough... A letter to no one... a series

I don’t think flinging myself in front of you for your attention is going to work for me anymore. Seems like it’s pointless especially since you clearly don’t care at all. Why do I keep trying to convince myself you love me or give any type of feelings towards me. Your actions show me opposite of everything I’ve believed up until now. Everything is a big blob of nothing. I feel you pulling away. Maybe i came on way to strong or maybe you’re afraid. There’s to many maybes and to much feeling involved on at least one end. I can’t wait around. I can’t keep trying to prove myself and my worth. I can’t keep flinging myself in front of you. It feels like walking into a brick wall repeatedly and than asking why I’m hurt. If it was anyone else I would’ve dropped you in a minute but because i love you im dumb. I’m trying when I shouldnt. I’m jealous when I shouldnt be. I’m annoyed when I shouldnt be. I love when I shouldnt. There’s so much wrong with all of this and none of it has to do with me, which is a problem in itself. I constantly are asking myself what I’m doing wrong because you never even glance in my direction but it’s because you don’t want to. It’s because you’ll never want to. It’s because I’m not worthy of it to you. You’re to special for yourself for a common person. I’m not worth the effort. That’s fine I won’t try anymore, I won’t do whatever I’ve been doing. We’ll see what you decide but don’t keep dragging me around because you’re unsure. I’m literally everything you’re looking for but you’re to guarded, you’re to hiden, you’re to....should I even say.... afraid. Maybe, maybe not, but I cannot wait and I won’t make you choose. I’ll just remove myself and let you see. Maybe I’m the one blocking the door. Maybe I’m the one whose to invested... who am I kidding I’m way invested unfortunately. I’m sorry i care so much. Im sorry im trying so hard. I’m over it. You’re not okay with this From what you’ve shown me... so i will pull back. I’m okay.... i guess... I’m done... for you, for me, for us. At least until you’re ready. And that may never come. It’s okay. I was never here to change you and im still not. You’re perfect the way you are, unfortunately who you are has no room for all the love I want to give and what i want to receive. I just want simple love amd this seems like anything but. You’re such a complex and amazing person and I’m so not interesting. I’m not interesting enough to hold your attention. Got it. I’m not interesting enough to keep you happy. Got it. I’m not interesting enough to be in your spotlight. Got it. I’m not interesting enough to hold your gaze or have you hold me. I’m like a child looking for a hug in a garden of roses with thorns. I’m not like everyone else you’ve met and that’s my biggest down fall and my biggest strength. My phone feels so heavy as I type... why? Because it’s exactly what I’ve been thinking, exactly what I’ve been feeling, exactly everything. Everything that feels right to say. And I feel stupid and crazy and dumb and vulnerable and hurt and untrusting and invisible. If I disappeared would you care? Because it seems like you wouldn’t but you’re full of surprises so i never know. Maybe I’m the one whose scared, but all I want to do is have you cuddle me into comfort. But I’m not interesting enough; I’m not pretty enough; I’m not enough of anything for you... but instead I’m enough for me and thats.... enough.