#alohasummerlove

[atomicrouge]

I'm tired and I need someone to talk to

[atomicrouge]

‪Hi I’m Tara and welcome to my 2am existential crisis :)... it’s gonna get worst and emotional ! So buckle your seatbelts kids !

Lmao I’m terrified..... Now that I know I’m not going to Amsterdam I really have nothing going on for me... Amsterdam was like this glimmer of hope that my life IS gonna get better... that I’ll finally get to see the light and be as authentic to myself as possible.

I tried getting a job... I keep applying for jobs but it’s like nobody fucking even reads my cv... I’m literally useless to this society.... And it hurts... being useless hurts... I have no purpose to this world...

it hurts because I’m getting suicidal again after putting my heart and soul for the past 3 years in therapy and trying so hard to fix myself I’m back at square one... I’m in a personalized never ending hell loop... and I just want to die...‬ and I can’t get out of it... therapy helped and I can’t even go back to it because I can’t afford it... im so lost and scared... my parents aren’t making this any easier on me... idk what my life means anymore... I really don’t... I don’t know what’s gonna happen in September and I’m scared because I have no plan....

[atomicrouge]

Rant abt my life ignore me thanks

I don’t know where to say this... I don’t know who to talk to anymore.

I feel really low and depressed lately. It feels like everyone around me is moving forward and I’m just stuck.

I’m disgusted by myself and my insecurities are growing.

Every time something good happens I fear I have to get punished for it. Tuesday night was amazing. But today felt like shit... and it feels like I’m slowly getting bad news or that things around me are making me feel worse. Idk what else to say... I don’t want to sound dramatic or whatever but I can’t deal with not talking about my feelings... I can’t keep things to myself even tho I know I should... I miss seeing my therapist but sadly I graduated uni and I can’t access the free concealing I got from it... and therapy here is so expensive and going through the process of starting all over with a new therapists sounds draining you know...

I feel very lonely and hopeless. I just found out that my current crush is in a relationship. I’m not bitter over it... I’m bitter over the fact that this is a recurring theme in my love life. Can you believe that ever since I was a kid till now every single one of my crushes ended up being in a relationship or isn’t interested in me lolol. I’m 21 and I’ve never been kissed. I don’t know what it’s like to be in a relationship. I don’t know what it’s like to have someone ask me out on a date. I don’t know how it feels like to have someone look me in the eyes and tell me they love me. It’s pathetic and sad honestly....

I got to the point where I don’t talk or act on my crushes anymore saves me from being embarrassed honestly. I wish I could sell my feelings... because I can sure do without them at the moment.

[atomicrouge]

hey guys! I’m rarely ever on here🤷🏼‍♀️

but if you’d like to talk to me or anything follow me on my twitter and my curiouscat ! 

links below: 

Twitter 

CuriousCat

[atomicrouge]

I wonder why I'm still alive

[atomicrouge]

I can't deny all the great things my parents did for me and I am forever grateful for what they have done. Still they have done some pretty shitty things that are so damaging and I'm still dealing with the consequences: -made me believe that I was too dumb for life, even though I was diagnosed with a learning disability. - shamed my body so hard that now I hate every inch of me. -also in this category: told me that I'll never be loved because I am fat. And that nobody really wants to be my friend because I am fat. - made me afraid of being close to men in general/ made me believe that all men are abusive/bad. - doubt myself in ever decision I make/ constantly feel like I'm at wrong/ a liar. -being afraid of driving. -made me believe that I don't deserve good things. -made me believe that I'll never make it in life. - made be believe that I'll never be enough. - trick me into doing thing instead of just asking me to do them which in turn gives me trust issues. - gave me abandonment issues. There are more things to add on this list but these are kinda the important ones I can think of .

[atomicrouge]

I know I sound dramatic but I have come to a full conclusion, that there isn’t really anything for me on this earth. I have nothing on here. And I’m so tired of this life. I might not kill myself today or tomorrow, or next week. But soon enough I will end my life, and I wish this wouldn't be a big deal I wish people could just accept it and understand me. what’s the point of living a pointless life? I personally see no point to my existence. Anyway, I wanted to let it out into the universe that I am ready to go, but at the same time, I don't want my friends to get worried so that is why I’m letting it out here. 

[atomicrouge]

Honestly, kids don’t fall in love that shit so painful 10/10 would not recomend... There are better things to do in your life ok so like really children... don’t get worked up about it... stay single ok just stay single and try for the love of god just try not to catch the feels cuz that shit toxic and horrible