“I Don’t Matter.” - GP N’ FP Canon
I’m okay, im just in the mood for some angst to get some things off my chest-- dont mind me.
Warning(s) : Fighting, Angst, PTSD Mention, Self Hatred, Abuse Mention, Conflicting feelings and trying not to push certain emotions/wants/needs onto the other.(Fluff??????), Realizing feelings?
Word Count : 1,731
Ship : Gun Powder n’ Flower Petals
A/N : There are actually some contents of my past mentioned in this and one of the reasons why i have PTSD, though due to having to change some things as the “parent’s” my SI has are actually based off my Step Mom and Dad. / There are mentions of a song in this, but the lyrics mentioned were actual things said to me. / Yes my actual birthday was mentioned in this.
Sunny C. Age who gives a fuck and no one needs to know. No one needed to know her last name and no one needed to know her age. adult hood hit her sooner than it should’ve when she was just a kid so age shouldn’t matter in the first place right? that is until certain dates roll around.
It had finally hit Sunny. she was getting older and in just a four to three months the dreaded day was going to come. September 6th. the worst day she could think of aside from all the holidays that were always ruined due to her “family”.
Rubbing her neck with her right hand as her left stayed on the steering wheel she was nudged by the man sitting next to her. This man was named Dean Winchester. Looking over at him she let her arm wrest on the center console as she cocked her eyebrow, “What?” she let out a bit abruptly as she kept her eyes on the road after a minute of him just. looking at her with that look, that look that she knew he had when he had questions. “Don’t “what” me, somethin’ is wrong. now drop it.” he seemed to almost snap at her. rolling her eyes a bit as she bit the tip of her tongue almost in annoyance. letting out a groan, she huffed and spoke up nodding almost in a sarcastic way. “A’ight, wanna know what’s wrong? the dreaded thing called a “Birthday” is gonna roll around here soon and i’m more than likely going to drink like it’s the end of the fucking world, more than likely get drunk because of it and fuck up my liver cause i don’t wanna remember that day. happy now?” she almost snapped that last part out as she looked at him.
Now Dean on the other hand, didn’t and hasn’t known why she hates her birthday so much, the past few years that they spent around each other each time it was her birthday she wanted it ignored and acted like it was any normal day. Why though? she never answered why. Inhaling sharply he nodded a bit to respond and he knew that she was ticked now due to the fact she was speeding when she normally didn’t and how easy it was to send her off the edge with just simply asking “whats wrong”.
Hours later after the music was turned up almost to a deafening caliber. and Sunny loudly screaming she opened the door to the hotel room and tossed her bag onto her bed and sat down for a minute rubbing her face. Dean followed suit behind her and shut the door behind them, dropping his bag on the floor he took his jacket off and put it on the hook. she hadn’t talked to him since he asked her why she was ticked off. biting his lip he groaned and just snapped.
“What the hell has you bent so fucking out of shape about the day that brought you into this fuckin’ world huh? Why are you going to try and drink yourself to death each fucking time it comes around-”
“Shut the fuck up, Winchester.” she snapped back, glaring daggers at him as she stood up, clenching her fists with her keys in hand as her back straightened out. “Excuse me? You never talk about it! you never fuckin’ talk about anything in your life prior to runnin’ into Sammy n’ I! yet some how Sammy knows more than I do!”
“Cause it’s not any of your damned business what happened back then alright?! you don’t need to know about my trauma, my baggage, everything that makes me hate myself and i’m not going to let you fuckin’ stand there and demand you know! Sammy only know’s cause i told him when i was finally comfortable doing so, you fuckin’ asshole!”
“I’m the asshole? Why the hell aren’t you comfortable telling me? huh? is it cause you think i’m not good enough?”, at this point. Dean has puffed up his chest and his cheeks n’ ears were getting red and he was clearly getting more and more pissed off that she wasn’t telling him why. why she didn’t wanna tell him. why she told Sammy, and not him. why Jodie seemed to make sure and ask if she was having “certain episodes” every time they saw each other and all this other crap that he seemed out of the dark.
“BECAUSE DEAN YOU DON’T NEED TO KNOW EVERYTHING. YOU DON’T NEED TO KNOW HOW MUCH MY PAST HAS MADE ME HATE MYSELF. HOW MUCH MY PAST HAS SHOWN ME AND TOLD ME I DON’T MATTER!”
“But it’s so important for me to know you have PTSD?” he crossed his arms and glared back at her. unclenching her fists she dropped her keys, almost like dropping a pin to a bomb, it set her off.
“Alright, you wanna know why it was so important for me to tell you I have PTSD?? why i got so mad when you brought me back? Fine. fucking fight. here’s your wish fuckin’ come true, dipshit.”
before he had time to respond she had already started talking. “I had to grow up at 5, and play “Mommy” to two kids who weren’t mine. in fact they were my little sisters. cause my parents didn’t wanna play parents anymore. and after the age of 7, my birthday wasn’t celebrated anymore cause “it’s not important”. every time i slipped up i was yelled at. or worse hit. later on after i turned seven after meeting with a counselor at school with some how convincing them to not tell my parents i had seen them, i was diagnosed with PTSD due to thing’s i don’t wanna mention aside from the fucking shit show i’ve already talked about.” at this point she had stepped forward and was glaring pins and daggers at him at this point. once more before he could speak she cut him off.
“ “You’re such a fucking waste of skin. Faith.” “You’re one of gods mistakes, Faith. Remember that.” “honestly you’ve ruined my life, Faith” “stop acting as if you matter to anyone Faith.” “ with each saying she said she took another step forward and looked him dead in the eye and snapping with a deep voice that seemed to be a way to protect herself while her lip quivered and was clearly trying not to cry. “Now imagine being told all of that on a daily basis until you were 18. since you were fucking 3. that’s my earliest memory.”
“And you know what, i truly believe they were right. I. Don’t. Matter. I don’t matter enough to have my birthday celebrated. i don’t matter enough to have a normal fucking thanks giving, Christmas, new years, forth of july. none of it. i don’t matter enough. that’s why i try and drink myself to death every fucking time my birthday rolls around.” finishing her sentence almost with certainty in her voice she took a few steps back and sat on her bed, hunched over, her elbows on her knees and her face in her hands. a slow shakey breath was let out as she tapped her foot. this. This is what Jodie meant by “Certain episodes”. those certain episodes were PTSD episodes.
at this point you can imagine how much of a dumbass and a dick Dean felt. his mouth sat slightly open as he was shocked that she just let it all spill out. though he knew it wasn’t all of it. but he wasn’t going to push. she wasn’t ready for all of that, the whole reason she didn’t wanna tell him was because she was trying to keep herself from going into an episode. “Dammit...” a tone slipped past his lips as he walked over to her and picked her up bridal style and crawled onto the bed and set her in his lap, holding her tight to his chest with his chin on her head. “Thats why you go by, Sunny now... it makes sense now.. i-- i shouldn’t have pushed you. i really shouldn’t have pushed you.. you were right though, i guess i am an ass.”
After an hour of sitting there trying to calm her down, her shaking finally calmed down, she could speak normally, though her speech was still slurred and a bit lispy still. letting out a shakey breath she looked at him and furrowed her brow a bit almost in a worried way “I-- i don’t get why you brought me back... i shouldn’t be here--” she was quickly cut off with a large hand on her cheek and turning her to face to look directly at him. she she was looking at him before but she wasn’t actually doing so. she was avoiding eye contact. “No. you should be here. thats why we brought you back. i-- We weren’t going to lose another person we cared about. not again..”
Sunny’s heart nearly jumped into her mouth as she looked at him wide eyed. surprised to high heavens and back that she was actually cared for by the two notorious Winchesters, by the one man she could actually adapt romantic feelings for, Dean. it took everything in her to not plant a kiss on his lips. everything.
Though little did she know he was trying everything to not kiss her as well, he didn’t know why but for some reason with her in his lap, and the way she was looking at him was making his heart do things he hadn’t felt in a while.
“what the hell--” passed through his head, almost zoned out before he snapped back to find she wasn’t in his lap anymore and actually across the room with her bag in hand and heading into the bathroom “I’m-- I’m gonna shower... thank you for calming me down.”
“No Problem--” he watched as the door shut only to rub his face and rest his head against the headboard. “God dammit....and we have to share a room the rest of the case...” a loud groan escaped his throat as he got up off the bed she claimed and sat on his trying to figure out if it was just a momentary thing.. or maybe it’s been something more. for a long time.