I miss your smile...and even though it's different now, you're still here some how
I didn't really get a chance to fully process or let it sink in this week. I needed to focus on finals, and I know you would have wanted my mind to be focused. Now that I've had a minute to sit down...I can't stop crying. I keep expecting to see you around the house and my heart breaks when I don't or I see something of yours. I'm going to make a sign for our lily patch, because it's my favorite and it has my special black lilies in it...a lot of people think it's weird I like black flowers but you didn't you immediately went on a search, found, and ordered all the black lilies for me...the last thing you did outside was clean the leaves out of the lily patch...even though you couldn't breathe and that was a strain for you but you were determined and you did it...it took you hours to catch your breath after you got inside...but you cleaned the lily patch because you loved me that much.I promise to do my best to keep it in pristine condition. I'll never not miss you but I know you were in so much pain and wanted to leave. I'm thankful for morphine and I'm thankful that you got to sleep peacefully until the end, I'm thankful I got to sit with you in the hospital, and I'm thankful you didn't stay in hospice long and I'm thankful I went with my gut to go to school close to home, and I'm thankful I lived at home this semester because I got so much extra time with you. I'm going to miss being called meatball. "How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard" Well you never let us say goodbye, you hated it... It was always a see ya later. But this isn't a goodbye at all...it's just a see ya later, I'll be home soon, leave the door unlocked. I love you.