fudofdlkf :,( my heart body and mind yearns for osomatsu san-
I wanna watch more eps so fukcing badly btu there;s something that stands in my way. MY PRIDE. I have my head up my ass and I’m takin’ a whiff, I re-fuckin-fuse to watch it again but I wnat to so badly. I got into it ~2017 and lemme tell you, it was something else. Let’s just say 2017 wasn’t the best year of my life and it was defined by pain and cringe. So hearing about osomatsu-san lately is having a visceral reaction in my being. Half of me wants to watch the show not only for nostalgia’s sake, but because I genuine loved the show and characters, and the other half doesn’t want to be sucked back into the hellish nightmare that was 2017 for me. The worst part is that the show has nothing to do with why 2017 was bad, it was more of the fandom I put myself into to cope with my situation and I’m afraid of putting myself in that situation, if that makes sense?
I don’t want to be put back in that head space nor feel like I was back in that situation which I don’t think makes sense but I’m still worried about it nonetheless. There’s also the fact I’m just embarrassed at the thought of getting back into it, I thought it was something I left behind as a phase but I guess I never grew up? or at least that’s what it feels like. This plays into the pride thing I was talking about earlier, I feel like I’m better than that; better than the younger me. Me not watching it is like a middle finger to the part of me that doesn’t feel like I’m mature enough to out grow things but to slip back into it... it’s like falling back into bad habits. I don’t want to imagine I’m chilling with random characters to escape what’s going on. I’m better than that. Well, I should be at least, but I’m not.
Man, I feel like that for almost everything nowadays. I’m getting back into hetalia and all the friends I made while in that fandom have moved on. I’m so scared they’ll move on without me, I don’t wanna be alone again. Fuck, lemme get back on topic, Pucca- I got back into Pucca even though I haven’t seen it since I was 6. Watched the whole thing, even the weird 3d version Netflix made. I almost fell back into homestuck cause a friend was reading it but thank god I can’t read anymore, so I couldn’t get back into it. Even BFDI, the fucking icon for this tumblr! I forgot about the show for years than stumbled across it and now I’m back in the fandom again. The thing is I’m mad. So fucking mad that I’m sticking with what I know. I should try something new for once but I’ve just been clinging onto things I should move on from while everyone moves on. God, I feel like a kid throwing a tantrum. nO I doN WAnNA WatCH tHe sHOW cAuSE iT mAkEs Me FeEL LIkE A baBy ANd ALL mY fRIendS aRe BIG kIDS! Jeez, I’m getting on my own nerves, I need to stfu and just watch the show. What’s the worst that could happen? I enjoy the show? I cry about regressing in tastes again? It can’t be that bad.
