Fictionfolk do you ever realize you kin a character through like. Severe discomfort?? Lemme elaborate
A common bad trait that I have is feeling like I lack 'ownership' of things that I desperately want to feel I own/belong to. And when I feel I lack ownership, or that I can't have it, I distance myself heavily. Like I hate it because I can't have it, or make it my own. It will always belong to other people, I will never be a true lover or enjoyer or owner of a thing. This goes with like everything.
I think it why I am so protective over my ocs and my worlds because it The One Thing that I have complete ownership of. It is mine, made of my creation. I may not be an artist-- other people are already doing it more and way better than me. Just because I know the terminology, and can make an art, doesn't mean I am a true artist.
This goes for lots of other things too. I can't truly be queer, because other people are more queer then me, feel the emotions and the pain more than me, understand themselves more than me, are more trans than me. I can't be a boy because I don't own the body, I don't own the experience despite how much it hurts me that I don't. No point in being trans-- I can't be a boy in any regard, not until I get all the fundamental boy experiences and possesions and I have been a boy my whole life not just when I decided I was trans in middle school.
But to relate it back to alterhumanity and therianhood, and specifically fictionfolkism and how I have been using this inherent discomfort. With a regular character, right. Like say for instance some of my genshin kins. The characters that I 'wanted' to kin came easy, I loved them and found that I related to them. But in hindsight I don't think it was actually kinning, just an intense like, maybe even constellic or chosenlink of some kind. I hate Mika, I don't like that offbrand len asshole. And maybe I will come around to him, but I just. Eugh. I don't like him. But thats not how I dislike wanderer. Wanderer I hated for no reason. I wanted to like him, I loved his design, his introduction as scaramouch, whatnot.
The only way I can explain it is like. When I hate a character in the same way I hate myself. Then I realize I must be them, in some aspect, because I am hating them like they are me. when I realize this I will actively, and kind of subconsciously, avoid them like the plauge.
I did this with my current main kin-- Draco Malfoy-- literally my whole life. With that entire world, my home, I never got to enjoy or experience it without being scared of it and hating it like I hated myself. Not until it was too late, and it got stained by a person who, unfortunately, created it. Which worsens that feeling even more. I don't want to support her, but I have to face the facts sometimes.
idk if any of this makes sense, and I probably just seem like afucking idiot and weirdo for saying any of this. I have a very severe fear I am going to get hate for posting this. Which, oh well I guess, I probably deserve it. I shouldn't be like this. I should be better.
