There really isn't a moment to herself after all is said and done, no time for all of the things she is feeling. Not until it's the end of the day and she's back in her quarters and taking her crown off of her head with shaking hands.
Althea sitting there in the middle of the room in chains, her hair untamed around her, what sounded like hundreds of voices echoing around the chamber. When she closes her eyes, even briefly, Aurea sees it, feels the fear and desperation that she and Aradia had shared. There had been no time for helplessness then, but it's there now as she sees herself in her vanity mirror. Not a queen, but a girl who had almost lost so many people important to her in a fell swoop.
They were strong, the lot of them, but in that moment as they all scrambled to discern voices, there'd been one in her head feeling helpless, begging her to help them. She was their queen, why couldn't she help them?
A single tear falls from her eye and she sniffles and shakes her head at herself. "It's not real." She said with confidence to the crying girl. "It's not true." Just as she'd told Althea, as she'd told all of them. That was the point of it all, that doubt would freeze them in place and get one of them killed.
Taking a breath she looks down at her hands and despite the weariness and fatigue she feels right down to her bones, there's something else. To let loose a howl after everything was said and done, energized with the light of the moon.
She closes her eyes and instead of seeing Althea in pain and the desperation on the face of her friends, she pictures the pool. A large round pool in the middle of the room that the moon shining from above illuminated, filling it completely. Stepping into it had been like slipping into the moon itself. It'd swallowed her up, regalia and all, and there's this twitching at her fingers that she only ever feels when she shifts.
Opening her eyes and looking down, claws are extended where perpetually unmanicured nails once were. Control over your shifts. That's what she'd been promised. Flexing her fingers, the claws don't go away but she feels she can will them back. They're a reminder that the whole encounter had been real, that she's stronger now, they all were.
And it would be easy to crumple and think about being banished as Thora and Aradia and Althea fought to jump into that pool and take the Blight into themselves. It is something she wants to do, the frustration is still there under her skin. The idea of losing anyone on a quest, especially those that had volunteered of their own free will with no ties to Haven, it terrified her. Freydis, Thora, and Zeliha had no reason to put themselves on the line and yet they had. Althea and Aradia had stood valiantly at her side as they always did and when it had come down to it, they'd protected her.
She had to protect them now. Aurea had to make sure that those that had come to Haven seeking refuge wouldn't lose another home. Going to Aventia was what she wanted to do, what she felt she should, but she would remain to strengthen her borders, train up her wolves.
This new control, she'd use it to defend home and everyone she loved. So all that went off to aid Aventia had something to come home to. So they knew that such a place wasn't just Haven or the Wildlands. That they had a home in the heart of their queen and alpha.
Closing her eyes again, Aurea pictures the women around her joining in on her howl.
