I think it's hard to find a friend who relies on you the way you do them because you hold yourself to a high expectations and other's expectations for themselves don't always align with yours. My experience with friends has always been feeling like "yes! I found someone!" but always ending up feeling like it was superficial because they don't care as much as I do, or they won't/can't do something with me that I'd have done with or for them, etc. (1/2)
(2/2) But it's 100% better to be your own best friend than to pour yourself into someone who can't give you what you need. Interestingly enough, once I focused on fulfilling myself and my needs without others, it became easier to find a good friend because I didn't need them to serve a purpose in my life, I just wanted them around because we mutually enjoyed one anothers' company which was a lot simpler role to fill. You are worth the best of friends, and maybe that best friend is you for now.
Yeah I’ve always had doubts come up that perhaps my expectations are high. Like I see how people do things for eachother even in a lockdown, going out of their way to send food and gifts and doing things without any thought of getting anything in return. “Squad-goals” or “friendship goals” if you will. The first half of your message is a big ass mood lol, at this point I just hate getting my hopes up. I wish people wouldn’t butter me up telling me they’ll plan something or message me later on cause they wanna spend time, and I wait and anticipate and then nothing happens. But then I see they’re out with other friends and it makes sense to me because they already have their close-knit group of friends and I have to respect that.
I guess its very telling (to myself at least) that I do need friends because my core belief is that *I* need to feel like I have worth. I’ve spent too many years by myself in a depression routine which has gotten me so unhealthily comfortable with being isolated, and at the same time wanting to experience the same connections that others have with their friends because I don’t have the self-security and satisfaction of myself anymore as I’ve gotten older (due to never addressing my problems until now). Of course a lot of these beliefs are most likely the result of all the shit I’ve had to deal with growing up about myself and how I view myself so yeah.
