#alyanaxo

[eyeofchanel]

Mi arte.

[eyeofchanel]

To my past

After living in a normalized state of settling,

questioning my place in the lives of those who claimed they loved me

After thinking that to love me must be impossible because no one seemed to do it right,

no one seemed to be able to love me whole

Love me genuine

Relationships and Situationships riddled with lust and lies, confusion and codependency

Breakups leaving me with more questions than answers

Feeling like I left a part of myself with each person - & I, under the shame and the PTSD

crumbled under the broken pieces that remained

Falling into an abyss that I could not escape

Trying to fill the voids with anyone who made me feel like they were different

Only to show me they were exactly the same

But in all truthfulness, the most toxic devotion I had was that to my distorted sense of self

I look into the mirror and see a reflection of maternal influences

Generational curses that threaten to sentence me to her same fate

How do I break the cycles of emotional trauma

Of disrespect and neglect

Of lonely and depression

Of overthinking and overanalyzing

The idea that

That love is suffering first and being glorified later

That love is complicated and confusing

That love is exchanging temporary moments of bliss, emphasis on the temporary

I’ve exposed my deepest wounds only to be left scarred in the process of healing

if shit flowed too easy it must not be for me

Distrustful of people’s intentions because of the negative schemas I’ve created around love that has settled into my cognition

Thus began the growth of toxicity, sinking its roots around my heart, disrupting sacral chakra flowing energy and instead, I am left alone in lonely and heartbreak

How could you look me in my eyes

Touch my body and kiss my lips

Wake with me in morning and lay down with me in evening

Spend days and nights fingers interlocked

Spend days and nights exchanging thought

Spend days and nights exploring the unknown

Spend days and nights building yourself a safe home

In me

Where do I go if all of me becomes all of you

What is left of me if all I am conforms to all you are

And your intention is to leave

And my intention is to retreat

I know things will not always be this way

So I spend days praying for you

And I spend nights praying for me

That we meet in this lifetime

In this existence

And in the union of one , a true love can be.

[eyeofchanel]

Just read some of my thoughts to a group of strangers and I think I wanna keep doing it ❤️

[eyeofchanel]

some head in a comfortable bed it could all be so simple

[eyeofchanel]

letters from the love.1

there’s no point of me being mad when all I wanna do is love you

Tried to hold onto reasons why I should hate you

Erase every detail i had of you

Why though , it makes me more miserable

Forcing you out of my head rather than just letting you flow out

Cracking my skull open to relieve the pressure from the constant reminders to be hurt and angry , to feel disrespected or confused

A martyr to the memory

When I could just let it go

Look back and be happy that I had you

That you’re healing and I’m still breathing

As I’m shifting and you’re growing

And I love you with purity , that’s what I need to remember

You anger me but not permanently.. my soul doesn’t seek to hate you , rather be patient with you , be patient with myself , be patient with life

& I genuinely wish for you the best

With a current love or your next

With me one day or never again

I honestly have no idea what to expect

But I love you that’s all I want it to be

I wanna think back and remember the peace

Remember how happy you made me

And how I was able to feel things I hadn’t lately

Thank you for the balance thank you for the freedom the understanding , (and the head that too)

Thank you for the nights you held me and were there for me and letting me get a peek into you

You’re a beautiful person with more life to live

Let these moments teach you how to fucking live

For yourself & no one else ..Trust in yourself

And , maybe I’ll be with someone else

Maybe I’ll be single and our paths cross again

And we can try this again

But those are maybes for another day

and I’m ready to play right now

[eyeofchanel]

Unpacking.

i pressed my crystals to my palm as i said morning prayer ..

Detached feeling of calm , i could feel my pulse vibrating against their cool exterior , smoothly gliding through my hands

i could feel my blood flowing through my veins , blue stripes across flesh connecting me to my source

keeping me breathing , keeping me living

Central life source encased in bones , in skin , in scars and sunken black ink etched along outer layers designing the form she lets you see , a glimpse of her innate creativity

Artistic masterpiece , imperfect , inticing

Dark side of the sunshine she is usually showing

Deep side to the emotions she is usually presenting

Can’t keep it calm , the inner storm brewing

Lava spewing out of eyes and spilling from pink lips

Engorged heart busting through its prison

Chest rips open , Heat sets my being aflame

I ignite. Tongue sharpens and I hiss at the intruder trespassing my peaceful space

I sit in the fire , quick fix to melt down my iced out protective shield

I want to feel this shit.

I get tired of being numb , I get tired of not giving a fuck , I get lonely too I get weak too

My love makes me weak , if you get me to care I naturally submit to you , nurture you in the ways I can express , no poker face to conceal the messages coming through , no way to control how deep it’ll run for you

Some shit I don’t like to feel , vulnerability

Something I don’t like to feel , insecurity

How easy is it to trust someone with yourself after living not being able to trust anyone but yourself

no one careful enough with you ,

you love sweetly and deeply

Emotions rampant because you do everything with passion

With reason, calculating , analyzing

Is it safe for me here? In your arms?

Can I love you for real? I could never fake how I feel, I see so much confusion around me I can’t tell whats fucking fake or real anymore

Mind playing tricks on me

Decoding universal messages on a daily , Mother Earth calling me

Listen to intuition , gut feeling

Sometimes I just want some shit to be easy , because my love is easy ,

But babygirl you not new to this , you knew nothing for you is easy

And when it comes to your heart youre foolish

When it comes to giving your body you’re careless

Addicted to making people feel good, addicted to feeling good

Addicted to releasing my desires and fulfilling pleasures .. I can feel you wanting me , so why aren’t you with me

I sit within , in tune with body , going through days processing from the inside out

Layered Complexes and A gypsy soul

New to this bodily form , misunderstood

Gotta take care of myself , i have a journey ahead

Do things that inspire and make me smile

A vision of happiness that is not conventional , uniquely successful

Love freely and those who can’t receive it don’t need to be in my presence. Respecting my divine nature , rebirth of my magic.

Elevated spirit with a dirty mind

Switch me on to the next level

And ill make you feel everything you need to know

Lose me and you’ll feel the emptiness of my absence , treat me as precious jewels, a rarity . I am fragile

Not many deserve to really know me. I only want my friends , close family , & my person

I only want to be surrounded by real shit. I always want those around me to be the best they can be, I see potential in people before they even realize it for themselves

Powerful energy that gets drained from inconsistencies , from lies , from excuses

Only rock with respect , be loyal to what matches me with loyalty

Cautious with my time

I have no time for the bullshit

If it’s not some real shit I don’t want it

I cool off and sit in the smoke

I float among the ashes and rest on the floor

I lay in the silence , throw questions into the quiet

And now I listen and do not want to speak.

[eyeofchanel]

Lftl.2

it’s wild how lost in my thoughts I can get. truly I can float into my own mind and be submerged into my own world of ideas and thoughts and emotion and dreams and chaos and fear and memories and possibilities and..

Everything .

im in a constant state of analyzing , sometimes I feel like I’m a little too self aware , too quick to make an assumption too fast deciding a feeling. always looking for a way out. i make a plan for the plan , a method of protecting myself..

Truly exhausting .

so I find myself in a moment of surrender. forced to slow down , to be taught , to listen more , to be curious , to be free in expression , to be uninhibited by self inflicted boundaries or opinions of others.. of memories of past lovers.. of plans with future lovers.. unattached to outcomes but true to my own heart. to my yearning , to confronting my fears of being truly vulnerable and open ... trusting myself in someone else’s care.

i fear allowing myself to be in love, to fall in too deep , to give so much of myself to someone , to be naked in their eyes , each layer exposed .. giving control over me and my emotions , my body , my fire , my lust

trusting you that when I get lost in my mind and my eyes glaze over you’d be there to pull me back out , that when I shut down you’d be there to sit in the silence , that when I cry you know how to comfort me , you show me patience and respect , quiet my insecurities with action and not words , never make me second guess my worth , never make me feel like I’m not a girl who should come first

show me that you’re down for me , make it make sense to my anxiety , snap me into reality with your safety and security , embrace me with your love wholeheartedly .

if you got me , I got you . equal lovers & best friends . a partner , bonded body mind and spirit.

you’re wild with me

we explore everything .. I wanna see everything , know everything . you know me better than I know myself . I know what you’ll say next before you take another breathe. I wanna share my world with you , & live in yours . teach my body to you , & become a master of yours .

That’s the kind of love that’ll make me feel like it’s worth it .

|letters from the love|

[eyeofchanel]

Lftl.3

a lot of the times we are just not ready

or too afraid

to dedicate that much of our energy to someone

who might not replenish us

clouded by mistrust

tainted love

how you know you found the one

when anyone will go with ya

is it the way words flow like tides

or how you feen for their touch

is it such a thing to want something too much?

can it be mine if I don’t have it ?

is this sent from the divine

or just another bad habit ...

if I think about you everyday

should I take it as a sign

that you’re meant to stay

Or

should I push you away ? Before it’s too late

i need to know before I overflow

my thoughts running into overload

dont let this head get to your head

energies flowing in your bed

transport to a galaxy we’ve never been

sex like this should be considered a sin

and when we float back down

euphoric visions from our cloud

what do we do now

|letters from the love|