#alysdiary

[alyszaen]

Sometimes I feel like it's important to remember that you are you. You may be similar to some people, you may identify with others. But at the end of they day you are yourself. You are your own person with your own thoughts and your own opinions. Nobody can take that from you. And I like you for you. Not for anyone else. But for you being yourself. Even if it's hard. Even if it hurts. You can do it. You can be yourself.

[alyszaen]

TW depresso espresso and mentions of offing thyself I guess??

I think I forgot to take my meds this morning.

I feel the difference.

Which is good on one hand because hey that means they work!

But bad on the other because feeling like this again after a month of feeling okay and not...apathetic...is weird. Is this what I felt like every day? God how did I even make it this far if this was how hard it was every day for 11 years. Liek seriously I am not sure how I am still alive. How did I keep going. For 11 years. When almost every day felt like this. I am having a few HOURS feel like this bc I forgot to take my meds and it already feels horrible. Like where's the next bridge fuckers lemme yeet

DW guys I won't do anything stupid. When I wake up tomorrow I'll make sure to take my meds (and if I don't I'm sure I'll wake up to a message from one of my moots reminding me to do so)

I'm just realizing how hard things were for me.

God I am strong. I am so strong to go through this without any help for such a long time. I am genuinely a strong person.

And so are you, bitch, that is reading this to trigger themselves. I know at least one of you fuckers is doing it for that reason. So trust me when I say: It's been 11 years for me. I've been depressed since 3rd grade. And it can be better. You're so fucking strong for going along this far.

I never chose to be strong, you know? I remember people telling me "wow you're so strong for going through this" or "ah it'll be fine" and it just always made me mad. But they were right. I never chose to have to be strong. But unfortunately I did. I didn't want to be strong. But I was. And now I'm here. An amazing work offer headed my way, 4 amazing close new friends that I love so fucking dearly, a new hobby, a new confidence.

No more "fake it till u make it". I made it. I don't need to fake it anymore. It's real now.

Well wasn't this post a whole rollercoaster of emotions lol

Aly out

[alyszaen]

I'm teriffied that I'll lose the friends I've made over the last few months because this is the first time they're experiencing me in true low energy. What if I don't interact enough? What if they feel like I am bored of them? How do I explain that I have energy for another fun thing, because the energy it uses is different.

I lost so many friends through the years, I don't think I can lose any more. It would break me.

Please don't leave me.

[alyszaen]

I'm in a sappy mood so excuse me for this, but I need to get this out.

I know it hasn't been long since I've started becoming an active writer, but I just really need to tell you guys how much my moots mean to me. So I decided to tell everyone my favourite thing about you guys. Yes this will be cringy and sappy and lovey-dovey and you will enjoy every second of it.

Also no I didn't put y'all in a particular order here stfu I love all of you

@chiskz The way we vibe about our ideas is incredible. I don't think I've ever agreed with every single idea anyone has had the way I have with you. We just ping-pong our way into our scenarios and I wouldn't change a thing. Chichi is our real child which I will protect with my life. Earlier today I saw an encouraging message from you reminding me to breathe, because you knew I would have a rough day. I couldn't stop thinking about it all day, knowing there was someone there who cared enough to remind me of that.

@pettypuppy-jonghyun I have never been judged for being married to Han Jisung as I have by you. You are a menace to society. Actually evil for first spamming me with attractive pictures to make me thirsty, only to then make memes out of me being thirsty. Actually evil. The way you remember the little things, like Yoshi, makes me feel so warm inside. The voice messages you just sent to me were so perfectly cut towards me that just shows me how real you are and how much you care. Also your car rides are the most dramatic thing I ever got to experience. I know Hyunjin would be proud of you.

@longingpurity You immediately write every single little thing I request to make me feel better. The way you ask me for advice and trust me so much on it makes it feel so genuine. I love how easy it is to just write in capslock forever about the most mundane things with you. I see a message from you every single morning and it makes me smile so much to know there is someone thinking about me.

@wanna-live-yn-life I am actually offended at how funny you are. Our dms are always a pure comedy show and anyone reading them would be convinced that we are stupid and that you are obsessed with Enhypen. If there is anyone that can get me to start stanning Enhypen it is you. You're my child and I will protect you with my life. Funniest damn idiot honestly.

@minnnie-binnie Our conversations are 90% life updates because we cannot seem to be awake at the same time ever. You are actually such a chill person? Like, I just know whenever I see a message from you I will get the most calm and relaxed conversation about mundane things. It's worth a lot to be able to talk about small and basic things without it being awkward. Also if I ever need a boquet I'll remember to ask you for help.

@minvho Bro you sat through me singing half of Skz songs - and badly. I do not speak korean and I did my best to prove that to you. You are my biggest delulu supporter. You genuinely convinced me that I could pull Han Jisung and made me at least 40% more annoying about it. I shall wait for your karaoke. I know you will slay and I will laugh at you the entire time.

@sensitiveandhungry You are my No#1 source of fic recommendations. If I need anything new I just check what you reblogged today. Actual Queen of reblogging. With you I can fangirl about fangirling. Like? I know this sounds weird? But just being happy about being happy, you know?

@skz-jisoo My fellow german stay. You have no idea how many german skz tiktok links are coming your way. I still do not know how we share every single childhood experience, down to the danger noodles? I am almost convinced that we were in the same kindergarten at this point. There is no way it can be this similar fr. We are bonded by sneks.

Again you idiots there is no order to this, I know at least one of y'all fuckers thought so for a second. I will actually call pre-debut han on you if you doubt my love for you again.

[alyszaen]

y'all i took some bad screenshots, but I hope you still enjoy

@chiskz u know 99% of those are for you so here you go

[alyszaen]

I'm going through my discord and removing people from my friendslist and leaving some servers.

Gotta cleanse and leave some toxic shit behind.

[alyszaen]

I want a hug. I want a cuddle. I want skinship. I just want physical affection.

[alyszaen]

Photodump of Cas being absolutely ADORABLE.

I would die for him.