it's been a long time. for the first time in, well, a couple years i have some free time to myself. i’m listening to old dirty bourbon river show songs, back when charlie was still with them and it had some real bittersweet soul. just generally feeling pretty introspective and sentimental. i’m not looking at the clock. i’m not counting down the hours and minutes until that email comes in because i don’t really mind either way what it says. i have already lost so much to this crashing shitshow that has been the past couple of years.
i’m having a hard time connecting to people. it feels so strange, like a fly futilely slamming into thick aquarium glass. i almost had an easier time talking to people when i was a heartbroken mess because i was trying so hard to put all the pieces back together i guess i just didn’t realize my communication was like throwing paper airplanes and hoping they landed where they were supposed to. i’m trying to fix the things that made me sad, trying to keep my head down and build some form of stability. i think i’m getting further and further out to sea though, and i can’t even see the lighthouse anymore.
i think i need to find joy in the drifting again. i haven’t felt joy much less hope in so long. i spent most of this godforsaken pandemic working at a healthcare clinic. it has perhaps irreparably harmed and traumatized me. the first bit of hope i felt in a long time was with the vaccines, but people’s ignorance and selfishness has circled us back into the same hopeless situation. i am disconnected from my community, from people, from friends, from my partner. switching jobs has made a lot of the seething rage subside, but now it’s all awash with melancholy. i’m not sure where the healing kicks in.
everyone is dying around me, and i can’t do anything about it but grieve. freak accidents and a horrible, terrible unspeakable and senseless murder, and sickness, and age: so many people just disappearing. i am never going to get the feeling of my brother’s cold, dead hand off of my skin. it feels so permanently stained into my palm. different people, different last words exchanged. “you suck, but i love you”. “you’re doing a really good job”. calls never returned because there’s never enough time, and so, so much of my time has been stolen by this fucking pandemic. my time and my hope are gone.
i sometimes worry i’ll never love people the same again. i’m hesitant now. i feel like if i don’t anchor myself then it won’t hurt as bad when they’re gone. i’ve always had commitment issues, but now i’m just afraid. maybe that’s the price of setting boundaries, you have to be able to drop people like they’re lead sometimes. you can’t be responsible for them. i don’t want to be responsible anymore. i don’t think i ever wanted to be, but there was no one else. i have spent so much time alone, why am i putting myself in a position to be lonely again now? why can’t i just talk and connect with people? build those tethers again for a little while to brave the rest of this absolute fucking hurricane.
