Tales From the Open Mic: #2
(loosely based on a true story)
Tom sat at the bar and sipped on a beer from the tap while nodding along to a conversation about “The Terminator” franchise. There were three other people at the bar, not including the bartender, and they were all engaged in this conversation. The three guys were like Tom - fellow comedians - waiting for their turn at an open mic set later that night.
For a while the bar remained sparsely attended until 9:50 or so when a large group of people flowed in through the back door. The entirety of the group consisted of walking Italian stereotypes. The majority of the group were big men and there were also a few small women as well. They were all dressed in black from head to toe and talking solemly amongst themselves. It was clear that this group came straight from a funeral to the bar.
Tom and his four comedian friends observed this and then traded looks with each other. There was no doubt that this was an awkward situation. Tom doubted that the funeral party came here for some standup to lighten the mood, but likely just decided on the nearest bar to drink away memories of a lost friend or family member.
As time went on the awkwardness was less abundant than Tom figured it would be. The funeral party was clustered at the bar drinking and talking in much lighter spirits than one would expect them to be. The open mic sets began and though Tom had some reservations about performing at all he went on. The funeral party paid little attention to him performing which actually made him feel a bit more comfortable. He exercised some new material and when it was all said and done he felt pretty good about his set.
When Tom’s set ended, one member of the funeral party took advantage of the lul in sound to make a heartfelt toast to their fallen friend which was followed by agreeing sounds and a round of shots of Patron for everyone in the group. Tom internally reflected on how it was eerie to watch this from a distance.
Up on the stage after the toast was Mike the comedian. Mike liked to work some improvisational stuff that involved audience volunteers into his set often inspired by episodes of “Whose Line Is It Anyway?”. Immediately Mike jumped into his routine and declared that he needed a female volunteer from the audience. Asserting himself, he made eye contact with every woman who was part of the funeral party. One particularly beautiful young woman had a flicker of interest in her eye, and when Mike saw this he urged her to come forward. A few guys in the party started to loudly egg her on.
The young woman still seemed reluctant though and didn’t move from her seat, but Mike was determined. In what was a mighty attempt to convince the girl to have faith in him and join him on the stage, Mike addressed the woman - “it’s okay, I’m not going to rape you in front of your friends”.
All noise ceased to exist in the bar at that moment. A look of horror and disbelief struck across almost everyone’s face. Tom immediately looked at the floor and debated clicking his heels together in an attempt to flee from this intensely awkward scene.
One big member of the funeral group slowly approached Mike on the stage. “Yo, apologize to her right now,” he boomed.
Mike was clearly nervous but made a strong attempt to play the situation off as if this was just light-hearted banter. “Yeah, yeah. I’m very sorry,” Mike joked. He made an attempt at a couple more small jokes while the funeral party began talking amongst themselves about their disbelief. Tom eavesdropped and heard that the situation still fizzling loudly.
Mike finished his set and walked off stage. As he did, two burly members of the funeral group approached him. “Let’s go out back and talk for a minute,” they informed Mike. Without any say Mike was escorted to the back door of the venue. Tom heard one person from the group that stayed by the bar tell the woman who was targeted by the joke to not worry, and that “they will take care of him”. He looked quickly for his other two comedian friends and saw their tail ends as they bolted out the front door to escape the ordeal.
Tom walked out the back door of the venue to watch what would happen to Mike. There a couple of unaware people outside smoking cigarettes, so Tom bummed one off of them to blend in. He smoked the cigarette and watched the two Italian men as they stood over Mike.
“Do you have any idea who that is in there that you just made that awful joke to, “ asked one man.
Mike felt one-inch tall and stammered. “No, no I don’t.”
“That was Jimmy the Bull’s girlfriend. You know who Jimmy the Bull is, right?” With each question they loomed closer and higher over Mike.
“I don’t.”
“Jimmy the Bull runs every liquor joint on the island. He was our boss and our friend, and we just buried him tonight.”
The other man spoke up. “Yeah, and do you know what he would do, if he was alive, to someone who threatened to rape his girlfriend?”
Mike panicked. “No, it was just a joke! I didn’t mean it.”
Tom winced at this comment. He took a heavy drag of his cigarette and thought, what a terrible fucking joke.
“Well, she didn’t find it funny. And we didn’t find it funny. And I know Jimmy wouldn’t have found it funny.”
Mike tried to save face, but a fist slammed into his nose. He fell backwards onto a chain fence and the men hoisted him up. They were just getting started. The other man landed a punch right into Mike’s stomach, and Mike wretched.
Tom was horrified at what he saw. He couldn’t keep his eyes off of his comedian friend getting pummeled. The two men landed more and more fists on Mike until he resembled himself less and less. Tom wanted badly to be able to save his friend but he knew there was no way he could stand a chance against these two - and soon more men came out of the bar to join the jumping.
Soon Mike couldn’t take anymore and he slumped to the floor crying and coughing. One of the men then turned, perhaps to address another, but saw Tom. “Hey, you’re a comedian too, aren’t you?”. Tom had never been more afraid in his life to hear that question, and as the man started towards him he realized that his only options were fight or flight - so Tom flew.
