ren vividly remembered the first time jaune called them out on their comfort tendencies. apparently it had been a common habit of “ his ren ”, something they just did as if kindness permeated off their skin. it sept off their form like they hadn’t been damaged with the selfishness afforded a life of continuous neglect, and betrayal. his ren was generous, wise, and benevolent. his ren was graceful, calm, and decisive. his ren wasn’t an insomniatic bundle of anxiety. his ren wasn’t a dangerously paranoid chronic liar. his ren deserved everything they had earned, everything they had fought for, every shred of love and devotion that was present in their life. ren despised them for it. they felt like they’d taken someone’s life, assimilated into their home, with precious things, and lovely people that willingly gave them everything they had, but they knew that deep down there would always be some kind of separation.
his ren was gone, but the arc would always be their jaune.
so when they reached out to touch him and there was an instance of shock where the marrow in jaune’s spine froze over, it hurt. his hand pulled away, and when he spoke they imagined that this was what frostbite might feel like, numbness and then pain like no other. he hadn’t always been like this. the dragon had fleeting memories of a boy, more clumsy than capable, with sharpened wit and humble charm that incited feelings of warmth in ren. they remembered a smile which could part clouds, a laugh which had made his ren fall over and over again, every time they heard it. they wanted that. just a little. just a glimpse. jaune looked at them like some had taken his moon, and plunged him into eternal night. only then did they understand the mirror of those emotions, because they were coming to understand a life without sunshine. they wondered if it was allowed to want for something they weren’t entitled to.
the first time they’d tried to comfort him, to coax a smile just to see if the jaune in their memories was even the same person, he’d stopped them immediately. he’d said with gentle, melancholy breath : “ you’re doing this for me, not you. ” and he wasn’t wrong. they had been. so from that point on they stifled any urge to touch him, whether it be ren’s instinctive urge to comfort, or something as simple as garnering jaune’s attention. over the coming months it became harder, with memories resurfacing on steady basis they had no idea how much of their desire to become closer came from their past, or the present. their feelings became muddled, and ren found themselves longing, jealous of a person they believed they could never be. living with a version of “ their ” jaune in ren’s memories became harder and harder to withstand. even now, they could hear their own voice say over and over again “ i want to make you happy ” but this jaune, with the moonlight stolen from his eyes, wouldn’t let them.
it was almost a year since they’d lost their memory that ren tried again. by this time, casual touch had become normal, at least to ren. like it always had been, ren kept everyone at arm’s length, but this wasn’t a forced show of trust. as parts of who they were returned, they found comfort in the small, seemingly menial actions. the night had been quiet. take out and movies in the sitting area of the backyard used to be considered a date. ren’s memories confirmed they’d normally gravitate to the hammock and fall asleep to the rocking tide of a star sea. the dragon couldn’t remember watching this movie initially, but the swordsman was animated and enthusiastic about his love of comic book superheroes, and memories from the first time they’d watched this together ( ren’s first time had apparently been jaune’s eighth. )
drowsiness wore into them, affected by the hours of early morning. jaune spoke, but only occasionally now, and each time, ren perked up to listen with rapt attention. they found comfort in his voice. the raspy, sleepy quality of it made their heart beat faster, a thousand small instances of that sound in the shape of their name flitted through their mind. “ i remember you loved this part ” jaune mused, a pleased expression as ren watched the reflection of the laptop’s screen in his eyes. ren leaned forward without thinking, slowly their hand came to rest on jaune’s shoulder. they have his attention, blue eyes widening as a hand came to curl under his chin. jaune inhaled sharply, giving ren enough sign to pause. the question was in his eyes.
are you doing this for you ? or for me ?
‘ please. ’ ren whispered, when speaking unable to keep the nervous tremble out of their voice. a loud silence stretched between them as he looked over ren’s face, a whirlwind of emotion showing fleeting signs in his expression before he nodded silently. their hands moved to cup the sides of his stubbled jaw, ring finger resting over his pulse, racing despite having not moved for the entirety of the evening. the press to his lips was chaste, fleeting warmth and all the gentleness ren could muster but jaune’s sharp movement, like an instinctive rejection might as well have been a dagger to their heart. all the rigidity in jaune’s body seemed to turn his flesh to stone. ren pulled away immediately, but lingered there with a hairsbreadth between their lips, trying and failing to stop the tightness in their throat from becoming audible. they failed. amaranthine eyes became glassy, hands dropped down to rest in their lap as tears welled and overflowed.
‘ i’m sorry, for being selfish. i thought it could be like before, where i could kiss you and you wouldn’t flinch. ’
i want to make you happy.
it had always sounded like such a selfless statement. the message behind that could be seen as less so, but all the more meaningful. it was like a mantra amongst ren’s memories, hidden but in plain sight.
my happiness is reliant on yours.
‘ i miss you. even when you’re right here, i still miss you. ’
@becomeshield. / prompted from. / fifty ways to kiss someone ; ( 34 ) to pretend.