#amy 1

[shoesandsocks]

I once referred to New Order's Technique as a "winter album" because I'd bought it in winter and overplayed it in the car, freezing, back and forth to high school.

My friends from Lakeland disagreed vehemently. H had it in her car and they'd overplayed it driving back and forth to the beach all summer. (Come to think of it, we might've been at the Holiday Inn on Longboat when we had this discussion.)

This memory surfaced because I've been pondering a song fitting the following description: "Winter Vibes - Songs that aren't about a specific winter holiday, but nonetheless transport the listener to the coldest, darkest time of the year."

I guess my Fla. friends won out, on Technique, because I went listening to find a suitable song to submit and that album reminds me of Lakeland now. 🤢

I submitted "After the Snow" instead. The first Sugarcubes album also had some contenders.

[embarrassinghighschooldiary]

February 2000: I haven’t written in this thing in forever.

Not that my life has worked out and everything’s perfect, but I have been so exhausted & busy breaking out of hell rut. I still censor and cower when I know I should be out there and have no regard. But, I’ve found a middle ground and it’s ok for now. Well, I was over her and now I’m back into it more than ever. Fucking Amy’s calling me tonight, it’s probably because I was leading her on. I want her to get the message clearly: I DON’T WANT TO GO OUT WITH YOU BUT I WILL TALK TO YOU IF YOU NEED TO. I think she thinks I may have an interest, but I am so turned off by her now that it isn’t funny. And what the fuck are we going to talk about? Oh, well. We’ll get it over with, but I want to stress that I don’t want to go out with her. But whatever. I do want to go out with Mary, however. She is so fun to be with and it completely kills me to see her in Courtney’s arms. My wish is that she saw me for me & loved it. (or at least liked it more than Courtney). It hurts so much that I couldn’t even look over to them at the diner. Why can’t Courtney just find someone—anyone—else, Maryann, Dana, anyone. I wish he could just go with them and let me and Mary be together. Why do I always end up liking someone so much more after they end up with someone? WHY? Is it that I’m not sure if they live up to my standards so I rate them from other relationships? I think that’s it. When a girl is single, I don’t feel much towards them. But anyway, I really like Mary for Mary now. Not because she’s part of some subculture that I wish I were in. It’s not that at all. I wish they would break up (on good terms, if possible) and I could be with her. I just want to call her sometime because we have so much fun when we go out. I’m just rambling now, this is no philosophy or standpoint yet, it’s just my random thoughts. What came out of me before was perfect: “put a fucking knife in my heart, put a fucking gun to my head, put your fucking boot to my balls” She might as well. But I don’t want to feel resentment towards her because I know if I do that it will show up in my personality towards her. If anything, I should be happy that she even talks to my sorry ass. But I don’t know exactly what to do. I guess I’ll continue to talk with her when given the opportunity because that’s the only way she’ll ever get to know me.

[embarrassinghighschooldiary]

December 1999: I should be sleeping right now

But I just have too much on my mind. First off is lunch. I can’t sit w/ James Br., that’s established. But do I change lunches or just sit far away? Well, I’ll try and change lunches tomorrow. Next is the whole deal tomorrow. I have to go with Amy because I said yes so I’ll go. I’m not completely confident that Eric is going after what he told me about Kristin. Wow, I can’t believe what went down. She found out he was hanging out with Christina and flipped out. It wasn’t my fault at all. He just has a lot on his agenda and Kristin found out. I’m glad he called for help, but I think his primary reason was to see if I had told her. I didn’t. I hope he comes tomorrow. I’m gonna kind of need someone else there because I’m not too big on going all these places with her friends. I like Amy, but I just don’t see myself w/ her. I’m picky like that. I can’t even really see anything wrong with her, it’s just that I know that I’d rather keep my distance from her. She’s very easy to talk to, though, and that makes it easier. Well today was my last day with Alicia in lunch. She’s not even gonna be there tomorrow. I’m planning on a pretty bad day. Maybe I’ll go to the other lunch because I’m sick of Mrs. Moore’s classroom. Dave Jenson’s g/f always yelling. Just like in Shop Rite. Why is Dave always there? At least he’s not being a prick too much. He’s a daddy’s boy. Walker hates him too though. Good.

[embarrassinghighschooldiary]

November 1999: Man, I hate working

I think it’s mostly the whole social scene there. I’m not on the A-list of personalities at Shop Rite so I'm given a smile and a “hi” and its back to business. I do have good friends there, though. Eric, Paul, and Amy are people I can really talk to w/out having to feel the need to prove who I am…to an extent. Mostly when I talk to people, I like to give them the parts of my personality that I think they’ll like about me. I don’t necessarily tell them everything, just what I think they want to hear. I think that’s the best way to go. This way, I look good and they are semi-interested.

But there’s a problem. I'm not that interesting. I don’t have the ability to switch topics and have some kind of anecdote about every little thing we talk about. I love to listen to other people. Especially when they’re telling me about their personal problems. It shows they’re human and can confide in me. It makes me feel kinda important. Like when Paul was asking me for advice with Amy (#2). He was really hanging on every word I gave him. I told him exactly how I felt and I hoped it helped him. But back to Shop Rite…