#amy gee

[queenbeeamygee]

Wed 27 Jan 2021

You know I can't stand the lonely, but sometimes I can't solve the lonely either I'm sitting in a bed waiting for it to drown me So there's an excuse why I'm digging deeper

And what's wrong with myself? It's not like I have no money or a place to sleep Maybe I should trade places With someone who'd appreciate being me

I'm not lonely for lack of supply I mean I'm married with 1 compost bin I have friends in group chats everyday But I ignore things and just pretend

But I know what it is I'm afraid I'll mess it up I have a tendency to send long texts I'm afraid I talk way too much.

We went to the store Someone said they liked my shirt I talked to them for thirty minutes Then spent the next hour feeling insecure.

"I think it's just extrovert is 'out'. and now introvert is 'in'," I said to my husband. "I just annoy everyone to no end."

He said, "Were you annoying?" "Yes, you know me - I'm too much." I said. Even though I know, Sometimes it comes in clutch.

I used to feel special Because I could fill silences well I've learned how to mind gaps And ask people about themselves.

But now I get too focused On times it's not been good So I stay in bed too lonely to talk Too lonely to ask you if I could.

[queenbeeamygee]

Fri 1 Jan 2021 3:43AM

I'm grasping at straws, At cards on the table Tell my future Tell me my label

Am I just The Fool? Am I a Lover, a Fighter? A Follower? A Leader? The Reader or the Writer?

I've been scrambling Searching like it's a race Seeking my own soul Since I've never seen my own face

I collect pieces and pictures Inside a giant scrapbook Hoping no pages by this point Will be overlooked

Gemini chapter here, ENFP page there Ravenclaw has its very own section So many quizzes, too little room Unfortunately this may be giving the wrong impression.

I just don't know who I am. I figured if only I had all the pieces I could first solve this puzzle And then adjust myself as needed

But maybe I'll find out along the way Not find myself first and then live after We can't rewrite life, so it's normal To make mistakes while writing each chapter

[queenbeeamygee]

Wednesday 16 Dec 2020 3:16PM

I've been having dreams like I'm trying to do normal things half asleep or with a migraine or with some weird sense of vertigo. The explanation I give myself is that I keep falling asleep. I'm trying to cook dinner but I'm clearly exhausted I'm a waitress going to my section but I'm dizzy I'm trying to play a game with friends but I'm nodding off I'm trying to have a conversation with my brother but I'm light-headed in a dream And then when I'm awake, it's almost like the same existence. I'm tired, dizzy, unfocused, and it never ends. Did I split my consciousness for some good reason and it got stuck in the subconscious for a season? I'm sick of these half full nights and days, wandering around a half conscious maze. Let all these headaches and knots finally unravel. Let my dreaming twin return from her travels. Twins like Gemini, like two halves of a whole A pair of arms, pair of lungs, two halves of the soul. Is she my twin or my half, like half of my brain? She feels like my lung the way the air is drained. Lungs are in pairs, so shouldn't I be, then? I want to be able to take a whole breath again.

[queenbeeamygee]

1 Jan 2021 3:47AM

Am I psychic just for people with my same problems I swear that look in his eyes I can see the lonely in his irises I can feel it in the air.

[queenbeeamygee]

27 Dec 2020  3:24PM

She's my sister in law and she just turned 6. Yes, my husband is the oldest and she's the youngest. He's 25 and she's 6! And she has the level of initiative to become an inventor or a ceo or the next Malala, Zendaya, Greta, or another young woman inspirational figure. She's a Capricorn Sun and Moon if it helps paint the picture. I didn't mean to do it this much, but my imagination runs a little and I figured maybe she needed a tiny bit of a push. Before her birthday, I asked what her goals were for the year were. I asked what her plans were now that she's 6. I asked if she would like to make a list. It was as casual as I could. She said very honestly she didn't know. Then two days later, I asked what she wanted to do now that she was 6, and she said, "I just want to be happy." She doesn't want to rule the world or climb Mt. Everest. "I want to be happy." I asked how she planned to do that and she said she wants to play with her toy cat. That's the secret I think. It's to understand exactly what you want and not to get caught up with what other people want you to do. It's to find what you want and not figure out what's the most impressive or interesting to others. She's got it. She really has the right fortitude to become inspiring to young women like me. She is inspiring me with something as small as this even now at age 6.

27 Dec 2020  3:24PM

[queenbeeamygee]

“Whirlpool” Tues 10 December 2020 12:07AM

I peer into this looking glass like a dark sea, a dark swirling tempest, A whirlpool of identity, Persephone. You have so many talents, pieces of your soul whipping around like loose leather slapping at your face That you grip onto tightly harnessing each and every power with each chance you have. I wait for the stars to align when I can have my feet on the ground and wrap my hand around my own but my soul just leaves scars instead. I never get to create but instead I just bleed from a tornado of hot whipping words. Did you find gloves? Did you learn how to swim? Or after all this time, did They simply just give you fins? Am I unfair? Am I cruel to compare? It seems be all I know how to do since the papers went swirling in the air.

12:07 AM Tues 10 December 2020

about my own personal jealousy for my friend Persephone’s writing, when he and I were 14

[queenbeeamygee]

Sun 13 Dec 2020 11:08 PM

It's funny how I barely remember If I felt the same physical pains If I was chronically ill If I had awful migraines.

I think I said I was just stressed, Just probably needed more sleep. Procrastinated diet, exercise, And everything else like other teens.

I saw so many relateable teen posts But I didn't realize I was so unique When your daily memory's that bad, It's hard to notice trends week to week.

People would joke about how I was religious but I acted so "high". I'd never smoked, not once in my life But a girl told me I had a tired look in my eyes. (16 Dec 2020)

One time I was walking home from school. And the sun got a little too bright And like most people, it got hard to see for a bit. But for me, I finished the walk in black and white.

My friend send me a sleep schedule app. I asked her why she sent this. She said, "Everyday this week you said you took a nap until your alarm rang for school at 6."

The mystery was solved eventually Though the problem won't cease I guess it's better to know my enemy Than to live my life in false peace. (16 Dec 2020)

Sun 13 Dec 2020 11:08 PM Wed 16 Dec 2020 8:16PM

[queenbeeamygee]

1 Jan 2021 3:45AM

Trying to be a mosaic feeling like a scrapbook Expecting to seem as easy and planned as a quilt Breaking all the glass Shattering identity Spilling out my mouth Spooling new threads of identity My identity is expected to be shuffled like a new deck but it's a scrapbook