#anamoa

[justadumbassbeingadumbass]

Someone: „Oh your ED must be mild, you look so healthy and I always see you eating out! You used to be thinner don’t you? But haha, good thing you never looked too thin!“

My (recovering?) brain planning the next days in this very second:

[justadumbassbeingadumbass]

Things are weird.

I used to be a binge eater. I used to restrict for long periods. Then eat everything in sight. I used to be uncontrolled and I loved eating. I hated it, but I loved it.

Now everything’s different. I’ve lost interest in eating, I smoke a lot of weed. I’m a full time student, studying two subjects. I’m a nurse on my days off, working in hospitals to pay my bills. I should have a semesterbreak rn, all I have is a full time nurse job to be able to pay my stuff. Work is exhausting. I don’t have any appetite. Sometimes I don’t eat for 24h and more only because I can not think of a single food that wouldn’t disgust me. I can not finish a normal sized meal, my stomach feels full, I feel sick.

I’ve lost a lot of weight the past few weeks, I feel my body becoming weaker, I see my tired reflection in the mirror, I feel the dizziness in the morning at work.

For the first time in my life I can see my rib bones right under my collarbones, like my upper rib cage. It’s scary. But I still don’t like my legs, my arms? I hate it. I look bony and dainty in some parts, almost too thin for my disordered ass brain. And other parts are still wiggly and too big.

I’m so confused, I used to read these posts of girls recovering saying “it’s not worth it, you’ll never be happy”. I’m worried. I’m worried that I can not stop, but I still never will see the beauty. I will always see the horror. The horror of looking sick and boney and tired and at the same time still fat.

[justadumbassbeingadumbass]

Not me changing my tumblr name because I showed my flatmate a notification sitting like 2m apart scrolling really fast - to show off a ridiculously high amount of liked posts which surprised me.

And now I’m like

What if she saw

What if she looked at the top instead and focused on the name

What if she finds this blog, eventually she knows about my ED but this? Idk man, new name but kinda like old name I guess

[justadumbassbeingadumbass]

Everything I drank today had caffeine, two coffee, a Coke Zero, a red bull zero. I am, indeed, a healthy legend, zoom zoom juice pls make me go not alive 😗✌🏼