#anarsthvtic

[anarsthvtic]

I seek revenge I'm not afraid I have corpses on my eyelids Every morning when I wake up I walk in streets that reek of death You lay asleep there in Paris and on the hill they built a church and many steps (and they buried your memory) But Louise I swear beneath the silent skies that witnessed your very last goodbye that every drop of blood you shed will colour our banners the day we come back for you

la semaine sanglante | e.d

[anarsthvtic]

oh honey don't leave the house tonight for there is a monster at your door don't you see its bleeding claws it still smells like the skin it stole from me oh honey i won't save you tonight for i've been by this monster taken don't you remember the noises you heard when at last my knees fell on the ground oh my dear please don't open your eyes for the monster is breathing on you if you shall come back to me tonight may it be that you leave without pain

we shall meet in the place where there is no darkness / e.d

[anarsthvtic]

i'm going to leave this town

i'm never coming back

i'm sorry

there are many people i want to save and some i must leave behind

i wish i could save you too

but i can't find the strength to try

i hope someone else will help you

i can't look into your eyes anymore

your claws almost killed me so many times

grasping my heart

watching it beat

there are things i can't forgive

the fear of rotting here

watching the skin tear apart on my body

uncovering the flesh you burnt so many times

i've got a future out there

something brighter

i can't lose my life trying to bring light to those who almost doused mine

i won't lie and tell you i'll be back

i won't

maybe one day this town will remember me

and wonder

what it did to make me hate you so much

that i couldn't even stand looking at you one more time the day i left

i might send you letters

later

to tell you who i became

to tell you how i found why i wanted to stay alive

to tell you how i'm

slowly

winning this fight

i'm not going to miss these streets

the way they strangled me

made me wonder if i could ever run away

or if i were doomed to die and fade here

there are parts of my life i need to let go in order to stay alive

days and months i don't want to remember

i'm not saying goodbye because goodbye can mean coming back and you say goodbye to your friends when you know you'll see them again in the morning

i'm never going to see you again

i'm leaving for good

And i'm not supposed to be the one who apologises today

i'm not the one who made it that the very thought of staying here makes me choke

i'm not the one who made it that i felt so unwelcome in town that nursed me that i dreamt of ripping the skin off my wrists to never walk these streets again

and i am not sorry

that i grew up to be the one i am today

strong enough to say farewell

and i am

unapologetically

glad

to leave this

nightmare

cemetery

town

behind

and all of you with it.

- letter to my hometown / 01-09-17 / e.d

[anarsthvtic]

you’ll find a home in the pieces of you spread along the road you belong in the air, the pavement and the bricks you won’t get lost in your journey, for the clouds are all your friends and the wrong way is always the right as long as you keep w a l k i n g

a new life in Paris // 18/07/2017 | e.d

[anarsthvtic]

Q: How can you keep believing? A: I do not believe, I need. I do not hope, I demand. I do not dream, I ache. To remain as we are is to die and the way I feel about our chances to succeed is irrelevant in the fact that we do not have a choice. Not believing means giving up and giving up will break our bones. Failure is not possible in this world we were given. Believing is the conscious choice of a woman who decides to persist in her actions because she reckons she can win. I do not believe not because I do not think we can succeed but because thinking otherwise could not change the way I act. I do not believe, I try. And failing will be my goodbye.

Kendra - 18/08/2017 | e.d

[anarsthvtic]

did you know? wolves tear their skins apart when they become humans they crave its comfort and its heat until the next full moon the air against their bare flesh itches their backs and burn their necks there’s fire in a wolf’s vein and it bursts out when they scream and standing feels like dying like a hundred knives in their chest and it hurts to breathe did you know? a restless wolf cannot sleep they wander in the woods and cry for the moon wolves are humans every day and every night in the month except one but a wolf is always a wolf it cannot be tamed it cannot be cured it screams and it burns and it hurts until it drowns in its own blood did you know? a wolf dies once a month and it is the best night of the month it is the only one when it can find sleep when its skin grows again on its body and for a night the wolf that is not a human anymore almost feels like one

Burnt flesh - 21/08/2017 | e.d

[anarsthvtic]

I never meant for what I wrote to become the truth I feared broken corpses in frozen cells long before I even imagined humankind could fall this low I wept on lovers kept apart while the world was screaming at me that it was getting better For us But what if it just gets worse ? I remember a year ago when we wrote On shattered paper on the floor, wetted by our tears and the blood of our brothers That history was ours, that we’d end up the winners I still believe it, darling But when ? When is it the day we win ? There are parts of this world where they break our siblings’ bones and claim That we are the danger Where I live, some parents still cover the eyes of their children when we appear on the TV They say we make progress We do I could marry if I wanted to Sometimes I feel as though our fight was infinite Everytime we win a battle there’s another one that starts We’re supposed to be everywhere, we don’t have a minute to rest They’ll break our necks if we close our eyes I’m thankful every day for those who came before me I realize that I’m alive because they fought when no one would fight for them I know that the life of a queer French girl is way easier Now That it was even a few years ago I know I should follow their lead Be as strong as they were For those who’ll come after And those who share my time But sometimes I doubt being brave enough I know there was a time Being as proud as I am, even in this country Could mean death I know some of us still die for holding their lover’s hand I know places in the world, where you live, where they track us and kill us just for having the audacity to exist I know that some families kill their own children when they come out I’ve read about fires and locked doors And buildings And deadly falls I’ve grown up watching on TV marches against my rights My sister’s boyfriend was in one of them She was really proud of him It was the year I came out to myself Later this year the law passed and same-sex marriage was allowed in France My sister got dumped by her boyfriend and said she had changed her mind And that she was glad for this law I guess I’m quite lucky I know some of us won’t have this luck I know that we will keep dying in cells And dying from AIDS because no government is able to give us proper sex ed And dying in dirty streets, looking at our lovers Or dying alone I know some of us will keep jumping from bridges And suffer from bullying I know that families will keep throwing their children out I wish it wasn’t true I wish I could hold you And tell you to be strong I wish I could change the world in a minute so we wouldn’t have to hide So you wouldn’t have to fear Your door being opened in the quiet of the night And men in uniforms And seeing your death Coming too fast I wish we weren’t afraid anymore I wish I could promise you That it will be okay That it will get better It will, eventually We’re on the right side of history I just don’t know if we will live long enough To see it ourselves

forgotten drafts from a letter to my siblings in Chechnya // 12.06.2017 | e.d

[anarsthvtic]

we burnt bridges and tried to run away from the fire

10.05.2017 // the things we lose | e.d