#ancient tortoise

[shelldone]

Chapter 24: Delirium

      The upside of the flashing lights was that they could clearly see that a pile of leaves had successfully sheltered Shelldone. This gave a much-needed boost to Itzu’s dwindling self-confidence. Shelldone was holding onto his last hopes that his latest poachers would take off with the security alarm as to not disrupt his long awaited and much deserved morning times sponge bath.

Shelldone warily poked his head out to see what was going to happen. Like Mary J. Blige, Shelldone did not appreciate all this drama in his life.

Unfortunately for Shelldone, his poachers were on a mission that desperately required completion for a variety of reasons, mainly so Shelldone’s highly coveted shell could pay off Joshwa and Sharon’s debts and provide Itzu leverage to be promoted to Senior Junior Captain. Regardless of the actual reasons, Shelldone knew that what was about to happen was not happening “for a reason,” as Shelldone had about as much disdain for that expression as he did for missing his scheduled sponge baths.

“Looky looky,” Itzu muttered with a devilish grin, and impulsively darted towards Shelldone to swoop him up, showing off the latest mastery skills he had learned from his mentor, Storm, in the basement of Storm’s grandmother’s house. As soon as Itzu got the tortoise off the ground, Shelldone snapped his jaw down on one of Itzu’s fingers with the same force and delirium as a snapdragon on meth.

“AAHHHHH mishakakusanabeetzufama!!” Itzu exclaimed in a string of Malaysian profanities and dropped Shelldone with a painful thud. The dizzying impact on Shelldone’s keppe was second only to the time he first tried acid, when he happened upon a concert that featured a then-unknown Jimi Hendrix. Jimi was opening for one of Shelldone’s favorite flower power groups, the British band “The Ancient Tortoises.”

Joshwa and Sharon would later explain that they both had an “out of body experience” watching Shelldone spin on the ground as Itzu’s half-bitten off pinky was squirting blood all over the fallen leaves.

[shelldone]

Backstory: The Bitchy Trees - iii.

But, alas, it was not to be. Shelldone’s first panic attack subsided before a maternal tree branch ushered him back on his feet. Nearly vanquished, Shelldone composed himself and did his best to brush off the dirt that had become caught in the crevices of his shell. Shelldone looked up to say his thank yous to the owner of the nurturing branch only to be greeted by all of the branches and leaves that had taunted and terrorized him not five minutes ago.

The tree closest to the left of Shelldone spoke first in a low melodic drawl that could easily be overdubbed by James Earl Jones’s narration, “Sorry to overwhelm you there, junior.”

In a voice so defiant that it even surprised himself, Shelldone replied,

“It’s Shell-done.”

“Well, Shelldone,” the tree continued, “we didn’t mean to knock the wind out of you. Although we love to help out fellow at-risk wildlife, we’re very protective of our own and are wary of outsiders impinging upon our safety in the forest.“

Having begun his last year of compulsory studies with the Classics, Shelldone determined it was important to showcase his education while asserting his newfound dominance. Ergo, he threw out a reference to the Sirens of Greek mythology as a comparison of how manipulative and mysterious the trees felt to him.

A birch tree, who Shelldone duly noted could not keep a secret even if a chainsaw was being held to her trunk, revealed in a pipsqueak voice normally reserved for puppets:

“We’re nothing like those whores! We’re keepers of the Earth’s secrets -- we talk to the clouds and can predict the weather. But whether we give you the accurate forecast is another matter; tee hee hee!”

Thoroughly unimpressed by the birch tree but eager to join in on the fun, a weeping willow, who was ironically unsympathetic and downright void of any and all emotion, chimed in:

“Yeahh, we just like to have some harmless fun with little animals and you weren’t street smart orsophisticatedenough to know what we were doing. “ The weeping willow huffed, “amateur.”

Shelldone took affront to such name-calling. It had already been quite a day. Shelldone reared back and attempted to give the forest a piece of his mind as the trees that peered down at him:

“I want to set the record straight. I am not naïve. I am young and inexperienced but I have survived hardship after hardship, been saved by Sheldin the Grizzly Bear whose name I proudly share—“

Shelldone paused here in hopes that this revelation would cause the trees to utter a mellifluous “ohhhh” or “ahhhh” but instead he was greeted with no recognition, which flipped a switch in Shelldone’s head that Sheldin the Grizzly Bear might not have the favor of all the woodland creatures.

Shelldone started to become angry with himself for being so naïve. Of course the trees knew of Sheldin the Grizz but they weren’t going to act overly impressed to preserve their dignity and the innate need to fend off any potential tree-assassins. Shelldone contemplated whether pollination and fornication were separate and unequal forms of mating, and the former being far superior. Nevertheless, he boldly continued,

“And I have left home to find my own path. I am not one to make enemies but if we can’t be friends then I’d appreciate it if you’d leave me the BLEEP* alone.”*

And with that last sentence, Shelldone snapped his mouth shut with such fervor that it echoed throughout the forest. It would take some work to get it open again to finish his midnight snack. But with that legendary snap, Shelldone become renowned as the “snappy tortoise” and simultaneously gained the lifelong respect, protection and acceptance of his new woody friends, the world over.

* Shelldone did not yet know that there were swear words.

[l0veev0l]

type hippo and tortoise into the web. everyone is friends!