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It kinda hit me tonight, I've been avoiding thinking about it. I mean, I've thought about it but its been logical, surgical, professional. It's not been emotional because I haven't wanted it to be.

but now it's sinking in.

My rattery is done? My business, my work, all gone?

Next weekend my rats are being put down.

This time in two weeks I'll be completely ratless.

I wont have photos or kisses or them jumping up on the cage sides to see me. They'll be gone? I started this rattery so I'd have something I could control. I can't control this and I feel so hopeless.

I feel like I failed them. I'm not ready for this. I tried to be? but I'm not.

#protip preparing yourself for the worst #doesn't always work #and when it does you experience the grief twice #and each time #every god damn fucking time #it doesn't make it any better #but you tell yourself it will #not because you are some masochist #but because you try and convince yourself that its something you can control #so many lost so much more than i did #but it's been so fucking hard to sleep #knowing their names and their faces #knowing I'll never see them again #knowing two fucking years of work is going to be double bagged and burried in the back yard #knowing I can't do anything to stop it #knowing that death is something that I can't control #but still getting caught up in it when its too god damn soon

To the moots I see chain-reblogging from me, I just wanted to tell you.

I love you.

#I have a few of them around here #and each time #I feel this little moment of Awwww #kiss and hug

sometimes im so mentally ill. then i leave the house and hang out with friends and i feel a lot better :)

#and EACH TIME #EACH DAMN TIME!#my dumbass is surprised that it is that damn simple #sorry if u talk to me when im spiralling lmao #hashtag cons of isolation

oh my god why is my songwriting literally seeing the future. i wrote some shit last night and the exact same thing that i wrote about is happening now.

#THIS IS THE THIRD TIME #THREE SEPARATE SONGS #AND EACH TIME #THE EXACT THING I WRITE ABOUT HAPPENS TO ME THE NEXT DAY #WHAT THE FUCK

…”…Sometimes I like to write from prompts. I’ve noticed some think I’m going through something at the time, but that’s not necessarily true. I think we can all agree we have a wealth of emotions and experiences spanning our lifetimes 😉

Here’s a little piece I wrote spurned on by the words “cursed crops” .

Thanks for being here 🖤🖤…”…..

Sometimes the momentary glimpses of joy that I feel - a laugh actually felt - I think maybe - just maybe the grieving may be passing.

Then tomorrow comes and it starts-

All

Over

Again

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Again

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Again

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