TADC SPOILERS just in case y'all don't have the tag blocked
Oh god
I need to lay down
Idk I know it's kinda sad and not everyone will agree but like. Something about just getting to exist. as what could be considered a terrifying monster. you were an asshole and you never did better but you're still loved. so loved your friends build you a giant blanket fort to keep you calm and keep you close. and you just get to exist in this insane form and still be loved
I need to make friends in real life. Like I've known that for a while, but... I'm really tired of feeling this alone.
Putting this under a cut because I'm talking about my experiences as a nonbinary trans guy, and well... I sometimes feel like I'm not allowed to talk about it. But I need to vent, and maybe somebody reading this will understand and not get mad at me for having feelings like this.
It's tough being trans and dating someone who's essentially cishet aside from you. I know my partner loves and respects me. But he fundamentally doesn't understand a lot of my experience, which is not his fault, but that doesn't stop it from being a problem.
I didn't think it would be this much of a problem. But I know how we got here. The worse the political situation gets, the more conscious of my own visibility as a queer person I am, and it's tough. See, I love being queer. I love being trans. It's one of the few things I really do like about myself. But because of where we live, I can't really be open about it, and I'm constantly aware of it when I go out in the world and have to interact with others. I'm constantly aware that this thing about myself, which I love, and which I've worked very hard to love, is at best an annoyance to others. And at worst? I don't want to fucking talk about it right now. But I'd love it if I felt like I could.
The exception is when I'm in a space I know will be chill. And I'm finding these spaces. But I don't get to spend much time in them. I also don't know anybody. I moved to this city with my partner about six months into dating, because it made the most sense. That was 2019. I don't regret it; I wasn't sure, to be honest, but he's the first person I've ever preferred to live with versus being on my own.
I nursed him through two surgeries. Then the pandemic went down. And when lockdown was over, it was a while before we could do anything, and then a bunch of traumatic bullshit happened. And then last year after Snippet died, which shattered both of us, I relapsed into anorexia and was nonfunctional for several months.
Then as I started to right myself again, the election happened. And it's been bullshit all the way down ever since. And every day is a disappointment lately. It's like, I put on pants for this? I gained weight for this? I ate like a reasonable person for this?
I know this is disordered thinking. I'm doing my best not to act on it.
I've basically abandoned Facebook and deleted Twitter, although I still need to deactivate my Twitter account. I never did much of anything with it to begin with, but still. Most of the people I know on here are queer and many of them are trans, but they're mostly transfem people. Which is great, but I hear a lot about how shitty transmasc people sometimes are to transfems, and that's pretty much all I get that even mentions people like me.
Don't get me wrong: transfem people are justified in their anger when mistreated. And I'm guessing the trans guys who do shit like that were the "not like other girls" type before transitioning. So the misogyny didn't go anywhere and they learned that they can be assholes to trans women, and some of them actively enjoy doing so, I guess.
Can't relate. And I'm not interested in being around people like that. I don't care who it is. I just don't like being mean to people. Except fascists.
Still, I need to find my people, and I guess what I'm saying is, I don't know how. I may also be having a midlife crisis. I constantly feel like I'm running out of time.
It's great being friends with a bunch of great women. They're all weird and wonderful. I admire the hell out of a lot of them. And at the same time, I feel really alienated in general lately. I'm lonely, and I'm not used to being this aware of it.
And I feel like if I complain about it, people will get mad at me or get in my face about it because I'm a white nonbinary trans guy.
And like. I do know other people have it worse than I do. But why does my pain never seem to mean much to anyone? I think it's because most people in my life don't have context for or awareness of it. I also think, once again justifiably and understandably, others who don't have the same experience as I do have their own problems that they're overwhelmed with. And once again, valid. But I don't even feel like I can bring mine up without someone taking issue with it. Because it's not That Bad, to them.
Basically, I feel like there's never any room for my feelings. My partner doesn't understand. My friends and acquaintances either don't understand or I just don't feel like I should talk about it with them for a variety of reasons. And the result is that I feel alone all the time, and I don't know what to do about it.
I don't want to go to a therapist, but maybe I should. I'm just tired of feeling like I can't be authentic, or if I do try to talk about things, having to explain myself to someone who won't be able to relate. And I've been to several therapists in my time. Some have been good, some sucked. None of them has really understood things from my perspective, though, and this isn't their fault, but it's more emotional and intellectual labor than I feel like doing, to explain things to someone who isn't likely to get it in the first place.
I have to do the work of finding people who get me. And maybe I never will feel totally understood, but I gotta believe it can be better than this. Otherwise I'm liable to just. Give up.
I can't get through this shit alone. I've come to understand that on a visceral level.
I love my sisters. I just need to find some brothers, too.
I'm also polyamorous and haven't been able to do much with that in a long time. I'm not specifically looking to date or fuck anybody new, but it would be cool if that happened.
Really, though, I feel like I'm hungry for authentic connection in a space where I don't have to be on all the time. I pitch my voice higher around strangers or if I'm uncomfortable. My partner is pretty much the only person who ever hears my natural voice. I realized this recently.
It would just be really cool to feel heard and understood. I feel like that's natural, and also I kinda hate it. What's the deal with having feelings and desiring connection with others? So embarrassing.
(Note: this is NOT an invitation for people to shit on anybody. I've tried to make it VERY clear that I love and respect my transfem friends, and I'm making my own post about my feelings, to talk about those feelings, not to act like transfem folks (or anyone, really) owes me any kind of consideration. This is me trying to work out how to find or make a space for my feelings, not to demand others be less vocal about theirs. If you have a habit of disrespecting trans women or talking over them, kindly take your ass away from me and mine. Preferably as far as possible away. I have to make this clear because this is the internet and people will interpret shit how they feel like interpreting it, so I try to go out of my way to be as clear as possible to avoid as much of that as possible. Even on my own fucking vent post.)
jackson has this vcr in his concert about self discovery, hope in youself and love for yourself, and i sobbed like a child and continued sobbing all the way through the next song. i do not believe in faith as such but moments like this make me believe it. last year i realised that i am super unhappy with myself and my life. i have known it for a while but it took me time to face it. i woke up one day in june of 2022 sobbing and told myself that i do not want to live my life like this and i have all the means to change it if i just stopped being scared. i went on to consider what in life i would like to be to become happier and one of the things was travel. the concept of travelling alone has bothered me for years and my first venture to get rid of this fear just happens to be a jackson wang concert in paris where he talks about the samw thing i have been going through for a while and the path of self discovery.
