Au drabbel
Anders had been awake for hours. He'd never really lost an hour of sleep in his life, always been able to fall asleep with a smile on his lips and feeling good about himself, but not tonight. Tonight something prevented him from sleeping, something he knew he should have done, something he should have said a long time ago. Something he should just accept. He was misserable, but why would he admit to that? Anders Johnson was not misserable! He was a ladies man in his prime years, loving life and enjoying it to the fullest.
So why was he here then? In this dark state of mind? Was he geting tired of it? Was this the end of the old Anders and it was time to sattle? No, yes, maybe, no. Then why did he so enjoy the warm body he was pressed up against? The body that rested in his arms and had done for months now? It wasn't just any body. It was the body he craved. "Are you awake?" He whispered but as he lay silent for a moment, all answer he got were deep breaths. It wasn't just the body he craved, he could only tell himself that for so long, no, he craved it all. Their love for one another, their fights, all the quirky and silly little things that's done that you just love without realizing it.
Anders licked his lips as he pressed his lips to his lover's shoulder. A different kind of lover, not just a random person, a real lover, someone he actually loved but had never told he loved. "I just wanted to say I'm sorry." He whispered so to not to wake his lover. For he could never say this to their face, not yet. "I'm sorry for what I do, I'm sorry for making you feel misserable more times than I make you happy. I'm sorry for all the drinking, I'm sorry for all the mean and rude things I say. I'm sorry for the others, I'm sorry that I'm such a fuck up, I'm sorry that I've never grown up. I'm sorry you're stuck with me, I'm sorry for what I am and I'm sorry I can never tell you this. I'm so sorry for it all. But I'm not sorry for my feelings for you as they are as pure as your eyes when you first open them in the morning. How you can still look at me like that I have no idea", He had to stop himself to take a deep breath. Anders Johnson, well known playboy was not about to cry.
"And I wanted to say thank you. Thank you for everything. For puting up with me, with the drinking, with the comments, for leting me do my thing. Thank you for loving me the way you do." He burried his face, though carefully, in his lover's neck and took a deep breath. A carefull kiss to their skin. "And I love you", he said in an even more quiet voice. Almost to soft and quiet for himself to hear.
What Anders didn't know, as he finally fell asleep with his arms around his lover's chest and his chest pressed to his back, was that his lover had been awake all along.