#andrew michael

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I'm extremely lucky. I don't deserve all this.

[siickerthingsk]

Honestly, if I see a ghost, I’ll fuck it

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This is the saddest shit I've ever seen!!!!

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My junior prom was a formality. I went because I knew there would only be the one chance to go in my life, so I might as well not miss it. You went to your senior prom many years before because you were in like with a girl with bright green eyes and near-pearlescent skin and a boyfriend who was in fact not you and was actually some guy named Cody. (I follow her on instagram. Her kids are cute.)

I don't think either of us had very much fun.

I never mentioned it to anyone but I always had a fantasy of how that night would go. I'd dance with my friends and have fun and be a teenager, and then I'd sneak outside and you'd be there and we'd share a slow dance. Almost like you're the guy at the end of Say Anything, standing there with a boombox. As if you had a boombox. As if my childhood could be represented so literally in any version of reality, fractured like a wishbone.

Instead you were at your sister's wedding. She's still married and has so, so many children, and her wedding was the same night as my junior prom, and you went out of obligation and wore a t-shirt and jeans because you're you, and you sat there, bored and uncomfortable, texting me, bored and uncomfortable at my stupid dance, the dance floor lights no doubt illuminating our faces in tandem, because we both thought to text each other in that moment. Because we're us. Or we were.

So many moments wasted.

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memories lol

all alone in the moonlight, even

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Maybe some things can’t be explained by science or earthly knowledge. That’s the more fun thing to tell myself, anyway.

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It’s one of my biggest fears, strangely.

I don’t think about it often anymore, but I used to. It was too real of a possibility not to dwell on. Now suddenly it’s in my dreams, and it’s so real that I wake up in a cold sweat and in my dream-heartbreak and delirium I send the worst text I’ve sent in a year or two.

But really, when I think about it, it’s all entirely selfish. I think, “That would kill me.” I think “I couldn’t go on.” And what of it? That’s just me, and you wouldn’t even know any different. When it comes down to it I just don’t have the right to fear such things. Really I should just accept it. There aren’t any other options, especially ones that aren’t self-serving. And what would be the point of that? My peace of mind isn’t worth destroying anyone else’s. Especially yours.

I dug my fucking grave already and that’s where I am, and that’s where I’ll be, and even when it happens I’ll still be there. And I have to live with that. Some things are permanent. They just are. There is no future where this fear does not exist. Maybe that’s why I dream.

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😄