The SPACE Age of Jackson
Chapter 4: Joel Part 2
Joel the Space Hobo and Android Jackson walked back to the deck of the S.S. Awesome. All but one or two of the crew members were now in their underwear. The Moose was smiling his shiny teeth moose,meese,moosen smile “We were all betting on who’d fall first. Me and Keith won the bet”. Keith had his back facing them, counting the shivs he had collected from the bet, flipping them around his fingers and just staring at them a little too intensely(his eyes were actually glimmering as the shivs spun around his fingers, threatening to cut his delicate flesh...ew. What am I even saying?). After spinning one of his newly acquired shivs, he’d put it into a second pile, and then pick one from his winnings pile and flick that one around his fingers. Android Jackson walked behind Keith “So...what’d ya win, buddy?” he joked. “Shivs. Lots of shivs. Shivvy shivvy shiv shivs. 59 shivs to be exact. Also some shirts and pants. Lots of shirts and pants. 34 shirts and 57 pairs of pants…” Keith began to trail off, as if lost in thought, the glare from the stars shining off his circular glasses. “Well, mister shiv winner” Jackson chuckled “I’d like you to show Joel here The Ropes, as well as the other things on the ship. He wants the job.” Android Jackson began to stroll away, then he noticed all the popcorn bags. “SOMEONE CLEAN THESE BAGS UP!!!” He shouted (144 hours of straight popcorn eating? Thats a lot of bags). Joel just looked at Keith. Keith looked at Joel. They both stared, unblinking. Staring. Staring. Joel blinked. “I win” Keith quietly whispered. Keith’s eyes flickered, then suddenly he jumped up. Keith stretched, yawned, then spoke. “Well, lets show you those Ropes now, shall we?” He waved for Joel to follow him, over to this bag near the crew members quarters. It was hissing and something moving inside the bag. Keith walked over and picked it up, he chuckled “well, here are the ropes. Careful though, they bite”, then handed it to Joel. Joel opened the bag, and inside it were two topaz colored snakes. They stared at Joel for just a second, then quickly flew out of the bag and began biting Joel in the face. “MY FACE!!! OW! OW! OW! OW!! WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA!!” Joel screamed as he ran around the ship’s deck, Keith frantically looking for something to whack the snakes off. Keith quickly ran down into the brig, and came back with a shovel and then smacked Joel the Space Hobo’s face with a metallic “TWANG!!!” The snakes fell to the ground unconscious. Joel’s face was now completely flat and square shaped. “Don’t just sit there!!” Keith said, his voice panicky “Get them back in the bag!!” Which Joel did. As soon as the bag was safely tied down and thrown down into the crew’s quarters, Joel exasperatedly shouted “WHO’S IDEA WAS THIS?! WHAT WERE THOSE THINGS?!?!” Android Jackson appeared out of nowhere, chuckling through his words. “Those were THE ROPES!!!” He guffawed out a cold and metallic sounding guffaw, and continued to elaborate “They’re poisonous winged snakes from Pyramid World!!” He broke into another fit of laughter and started rolling around. Joel just stared. Before Joel could say anything, The Moose appeared “He thought they’d kill you.”
“WHY!” Yelled Joel.
“Because he wants you dead” replied The Moose.
“WHY!!!” Joel repeated himself.
“Because you asked about the eyepatch.”
“No one asks about the eyepatch…” Keith quietly whispered, the glare making his glasses shine. Joel the Space Hobo faced Android Jackson, who was still rolling and laughing all over the floor (by the way, he was also tripping crew members, and promptly rolling over them, causing him to laugh even more. The circle of life). “Seriously?” Joel asked. Android Jackson stopped rolling, flashed Joel a thumbs up and a signature Android Jackson smile(which he has used before many a space princess, before he lobs their heads off with the nearest and bluntest object he can find and then grinds their remains into space chum and sells the space chum on the black market. You know, normal pirate stuff), and began to roll off back to his quarters, laughing the whole way. Keith walked up to Joel, and put his hand on Joel’s shoulder “He’s such a cool guy, amiright? So many redeemable qualities.” Keith’s eyes flickered “My personal favorite is his blood lust…” They flickered again “Want me to show you the kitchen? I swear, we have the cutest fire spouts this side of...I don’t even know!!” Keith’s eyes flickered. He faced the rest of the crew, who were currently picking up bags of popcorn with tweezers (you know, because of germs? Just because space pirates are plague ridden, space scurvied, and in most cases ugly, it doesn’t mean they don’t know good hygiene. C’mon, they’re not savages…), and loudly whispered “NO ONE touches the shivs, okay?” The rest of the crew quickly nodded their heads, their eyes wide with fear. Keith’s eyes flickered. He smiled again at Joel “So yeah, the kitchen’s cool.”
The kitchen wasn’t cool. IT WAS HOT. Due to the regular fire spouts spouting out from the burned space mahogany floor boards about 30 times a second, the kitchen had the haze of heat usually associated with the desert and mirages, and also looked like a raging fire monster had run through the kitchen touching everything it could get it’s hand on like some giant toddler. Joel quickly looked between him and Keith. Joel was only dressed in a messy parka and some ripped and used cargo pants. No shirt, no socks, no shoes. Keith was also underdressed for the kitchen as well, as all he had was a pair of dark blue space jeans, a white t-shirt, a white labcoat, some round glasses, and some black running shoes. “So we have NO protective gear whatsoever?” Joel tentatively asked. Keith just nodded. Keith smiled “Just remember this sacred and helpful mantra I learned from Captain Jackson” Keith paused, his eyes flickered. “ALL OF YOU ARE EXPENDABLE!!” He shouted, nearly blowing out Joel’s ear. Keith's eyes flickered again, and Keith smiled “Isn’t that so useful? It has to be like the best mantra EVER.” Joel nodded (It was seriously like the best mantra ever, although...what does “expendable” mean anyway?) Finally, after a minute or two of awkward silence, they walked into the kitchen. Almost immediately, a fire spout FWOOSHED up from the floorboards, singing of Joel’s eyebrows and setting his beard on fire. Joel ran back on to the deck of the ship, screaming bloody murder like his beard was on fire (which it was…), screaming “WATER!!! I NEED WATER!!! MY BEARD’S ON FIRE!!!” To which one of Android Jackson’s crew members would yell “WE CAN SEE THAT!!!” and continue on with whatever pirate chore they were currently assigned(you know, pirately stuff. Like counting the gold, cutting the hands of those who snitched the gold, loitering, posting on the S.S.W.F. forums, sharing all the posts on their spacebook pages to inform civilians of ways they can help the space whales and fundraisers being held by the S.S.W.F., and hacking the Blame it All on the Space Whales and S.U.C.K. websites so it was impossible for anyone to access them. The space pirates were really good at that last one. No one has been on either of those websites for like 30 years). Eventually, the fire spread to Joel’s clothes and now he was running around completely engulfed in flames. That was until Keith popped up with a shovel and hit Joel over and over again with several TWANGs. When the fire was finally gone, Joel was a bruised and thoroughly cooked hobo. Joel sat up, wiping some flames from his now burnt parka, before just turning to Keith, a infuriated look on his face. “Why did he send us to do that?” Joel asked. Before Keith could answer, Android Jackson landed right in front of the both of them, and gave a cackle that would make any space-witch scream in fear. He giggled “can’t take the heat-” He stopped and released another cackle, his metallic stubble-covered metal jaw moving so fast it sent off some sparks that set some of his crew on fire (followed by some “HELP ME!! I’M ON FIRE!!” and some “WE CAN SEE THAT!!!”), and then shouted, his face the definition of insanity “THEN STAY OUT OF THE KITCHEN!!!!”. He cackled some more, set some more people on fire, then just stopped. Like he was frozen. “Seriously though” Jackson said, his face completely blank “stay out of the kitchen, those cute little buggers disintegrated someone...RIGHT?” A few seconds later, a screechy, ear splitting “YEAH!!!” from Fax Boy (who’s chore was to clean all the space squid blood up. It wasn’t easy, since Fax Boy’s hands were cut off earlier because he snitched some gold) “IT WAS THE CHEF!!” Fax Boy continued. Android Jackson nodded a little. Jackson shouted at The Moose “How many is that now?” The Moose blinked for a moment, calculations running in his head (his chore, in case you possibly inquisitive people cared, was cutting off the hands of those who snitched some gold. It was difficult, because you know...he’s got hooves for hands), when he finished making his calculations (HE’S GOT A CALCULATOR AND A RADIO IN HIS BRAIN!!!), he replied “That chef was the 67th chef working for us that got disintegrated, but he actually made the number seven billion, nine hundred and seventy-seven million, seven hundred sixty-seven thousand, three hundred and seventy-seven.” Android Jackson looked a bit stunned. “Thats a lot of sevens!” Jackson shouted at The Moose “You sure you didn’t miscalculate?”. The Moose looked a bit insulted “Have I EVER miscalculated?” he asked Jackson. “Yeah.” Andrew Jackson said, completely deadpan, “You’ve miscalculated A LOT.” The Moose now looked stunned. He turned around, and went back to cutting off the hands of gold snitchers with a secret meese, moose, moosen technique. Android Jackson turned around, his smile now eerie and really unnerving. “Well, back to work!!!” Jackson shouted, his unmoving smile just being REALLY unnerving “I’VE GOT THE PERFECT THING!!”.
Keith and Joel were now in front of a mirror. It was a nice mirror, to say the least. It looked a little banged up, but still had this other-worldly glow about it. It has a black wood frame (regular wood, not space wood. We swear, it’s completely different.), four little black wooden legs shaped like eggplants (which is weird, because eggplants only exist on Earth...huh? What was I saying? What’s an “Urth”? You guys make no sense), and a reflective surface, because it’s a mirror. The glass was cracked in a few places, and everything reflected in it was tinged brown, making them look like dirt. The mirror looked like crap, but somehow it was eerily enticing. “I want you to clean this mirror” Android Jackson proclaimed, his smile so large it was threatening to jump off his face and murder the nearest bystander in cold blood, escape the authorities, and finally settle on a nice little island in the vacation belt of the DubaDuba system in the Milky Way galaxy. “THIS mirror?” Joel responded “This extremely dirty and cracked mirror that is a unbelievably bad condition?”. Jackson’s smile drooped a little, still threatening to murder an innocent bystander, but probably not enough to escape the authorities. “Yes.” Jackson grunted. He turned away and began walking out of the treasure room of the S.S. Awesome, but suddenly turned around again, his finger pointing at the gold, then the mirror. “DON’T touch the gold. DON’T look too long at the mirror.” Jackson said as he walked backwards out of the room, his arm flailing between the piles of gold and the mirror, his finger pointing accusingly at both. Joel just sighed. “How does he expect us to clean the mirror if we can’t look at it?”. Keith just responded cheerily “He didn’t say we couldn’t look at it, he just said we shouldn’t stare at it for too long.”
“Any idea why?” Joel asked.
“Because we might die!!” Keith cheerily shouted.
Joel looked a little stunned. “Die? As in…..”
“Die! Strangled, mangled, mauled, maimed, framed, fired, and the like!!” Keith cheerily fired back.
“But half those things had nothing to do with dying, who’d kill us for-”
Keith quickly grabbed Joel by the hood of his burned parka, and slammed him against the wall. Keith moved and whispered next to his ear, his cheery tone now removed and replaced with a cold, chilling, and distant hiss. Keith’s eyes flickered. “Alternate reality versions of us. They don’t like us looking in the mirror. Think we’re having more fun than them. They want us dead.” Hissed Keith, some spittle flying onto Joel’s face. Joel pushed Keith away, wiping the spittle of his face “Alright, alright. Gosh.” Joel paused, a confused look on his face. Joel spoke “Wait, you knew this the entire time?”
Keith’s eyes flickered again “Yes!!”
“So why didn’t you tell me?” Joel asked, still very confused.
“I like surprises!!” Keith cheered.
“Why didn’t Android Jackson tell us?”
“Because I knew!” Keith’s eyes flickered. “He also wants you dead because you asked about the eyepatch.” Joel was just stunned. He sighed again. “First off, was it really that bad to ask about the eyepatch?” Keith’s eyes flickered again. He shook his head enthusiastically. Joel sighed again and continued “So, how do you suppose we clean this, you know, without an alternate reality version of ourselves coming out of the mirror to kill us for looking like we’re having more fun?” Keith thought for a moment, his eyes flickering and flickering again over and over again. Keith stopped, and smiled. “I HAVE NO IDEA!!!” Keith shouted. Joel nearly smacked Keith in the face. This was getting a little out of hand. “What do you mean ‘NO IDEA’!?” Joel shouted. Keith looked a little hurt. “Well,” Keith whimpered “there’s nothing we can physically do. So if you or I get caught by an alternate version of ourselves from the mirror…” Keith’s eyes flickered, and he pulled out a shiv “We stab them until they let us go.” Keith hissed. Joel just stared. Keith was scaring him.
Cleaning the mirror wasn’t actually that hard. They’d just scrub and scrub the dirty mirror, scrub and scrub and scrub and scrub and scrub. Then, when an alternate reality version of them would pop out and try to kill them, whoever wasn’t cleaning at the time would pop up with a shiv and stab the alternate reality Keith or Joel several times in the arm until they let go (there was this one time Keith had to grab a flamethrower, they were going up against Rhino Joel and he just wouldn’t let go. Rhinos, am I right?). Eventually, they finished. Keith was ecstatic, and quickly yelled “CAPTAIN!!! WE’RE FINISHED!!” and from above the their heads, they heard through the roof a muffled ‘Good Job.” They then heard Android Jackson walking down to the treasure room, his peg leg making a TACK TACK TACK noise on the floorboards above their heads. As he was heading down the stairs that lead to the treasury, he casually shouted to Keith “So Keith, you kill that hobo yet? I know you failed the last two times, but I made sure to give you the perfect-” He stopped as the bottom of the steps, his eyes narrowed and his grin turned to a frown, as he saw that Joel was still alive. He quietly tut-tutted to himself, and disappointedly looked at Keith. “I was expecting you to kill him Keith” Jackson said, putting some extra emphasis and length on kill, then said it again in case Keith still didn’t understand “You were supposed to KILL him”.
“He was!?” Joel the Space Hobo shouted, his face confused and angry.
“I was?” Keith said, getting really confused. Jackson began stroking his chin, his eyes looking at the ceiling, “Well, I didn’t EXPLICITLY state it...but I kinda thought...you know? That you’d be smart enough to catch on…” Android Jackson straightened up, then turned around. “I’m locking the door to the treasury. Keith, you can’t come out until that hobo is dead. Joel, you can’t come out. PERIOD. Unless, I don’t know, you’re in a body bag. Keith, look for some weapons, there’s got to be a few here in the treasury.” Jackson then walked back up the stairs to the deck of the ship. Silence followed the slam of the door. Keith turned to Joel. Joel looked at Keith. Keith looked at Joel. Joel looked at Keith. Keith looked at Joel. Joel handed Keith a little blue rectangle brick, the size of Keith’s palm. “Here, hold this.” Joel said to Keith. Keith looked at it for a second. Joel gave Keith a few more seconds.
The door to the treasury blew open with a “KABLOOEIEIEIEIEIEIBOOMWHARSHYELLOWORGURBURRRRRRRRR!!!!!” Joel walked out, holding a giant rainbow colored cylinder under his arm, his hand on a trigger coming out of the side, the Mirror of Alternatives on his back, and two full milk jugs hanging from his waist. “Thank you SOOO much for freeing me, man of low hygiene and poor economic standing.” The cylinder groaned sarcastically. “Oh shut up” Joel groaned back “You rather be stuck in that treasury, right next to that creepy mask?’ The cylinder let out an audible groan. Android Jackson and the rest of his crew surrounded Joel quite quickly. “YOU’RE STEALING OUR MILK!!!” Yelled Fax Boy (he’d been looking forward to some maggots, milk, and ketchup). “Yes.” Joel calmly replied back, he pulled the cylinder’s trigger. A smiley face appeared at the flat end of the cylinder, it opened it’s mouth, and fired a flashing, glowing, rainbow colored laser with a loud and whooping “SUOOOOOPOPOPOPRAGREEREREERPURPLEBOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!” The laser flew across the ship, tearing the handrails and the steering wheel at the back of the ship into pieces while all the space pirates on the ship ran for their lives, hoping to avoid the same fate. Fax Boy ducked, the laser barely missing him. The Moose’s leaped several feet above the laser into the air (because his feet have jetpacks in them. Because he’s a cyborg. Yeah.), dodging it majestically. Android Jackson didn’t even move, he just deflected it with his space stick, the laser flying off the side of the ship and deep into space. George Washing Machine didn’t even see it coming (which isn’t saying much because his head’s a washing machine). It tore through his midsection like paper through a paper-shredder, his industrial sized washing machine head, still connected to his arms and shoulders, falling and crashing through the deck floor, his legs slumping over next to the hole. Fax Boy turned to the hole when the laser passed over him, The Moose soon majestically landing next to Fax Boy. “GEORGE!!!!” Screamed Fax Boy. If a robot could cry, he would’ve been at that moment. Joel took another shot, another smiley face appearing, and another laser shooting out with a “WOOOOOOOOORORORPROPAOFNDREDREDRED!!!” as he directed the laser into the center of the ship, tearing a giant perfectly circular hole through the ship. Android Jackson charged Joel the Space Hobo, holding his stick with two hands, flesh and metal interlocking around its handle. Jackson didn’t even yell. He just smacked Joel over the head with all his might, over and over again. After about the 67 consecutive hit on the head, Joel hit Jackson in the stomach with the cannon sized rainbow cylinder, knocking the air out of Android Jackson and sending him sprawling backwards onto the S.S. Awesome’s floor. Joel stared at Jackson. Jackson stared at Joel, his one robotic eye burning brighter than a supernova, his eyepatch actually burning off over his other eye and showing the crater in his right eye socket. Joel just stuck out his tongue at Jackson, and leapt over the side of the ship. He floated off into space for a little bit, and it seemed he would soon asphyxiate from the vacuum of space, but then a shiny cardboard box with little cardboard wings flew from out of nowhere and opened up, letting Joel sit down in it. Now where you usually can’t hear things in space (because no oxygen or any type of air whatsoever), if Jackson could’ve heard Joel, he would’ve heard a antagonizing and loud “WHOOP WHOOOP WHOOOOP!!!!” as Joel the Space Hobo flew away, with a weird, talking, artificially intelligent, rainbow colored, laser shooting cylinder, the two milk jugs they just got from the S.S.M.S., and the Mirror of Alternatives. Android Jackson got up, internally swearing to end Joel if it was the last thing he ever did, pulled out a spare eyepatch he always keeps in his pocket and put it over his eye, and walked over to his crew. They were in the process of moving the parts of George Washing Machine’s body that weren’t torn to shreds to a single pile. Fax Boy turned to Android Jackson, trying to talk, but all that came out was a screeching “SCRETEHTHHEBIUIANUVIBIEBUFIEBWSXXYSXRECHHRETTT!!” Jackson just put his hand on Fax Boy’s head, his face stone cold and emotionless. “Don’t worry, Faxy” Jackson reassured Fax Boy “George is a robot, and robots are tough, we’ll fix him up, and he’ll be as good as new.” Jackson then turned to The Moose and the rest of the crew. “The biggest problem we have now,” He shouted to his crew “is how are we going to steer?”
