#angel renfield

[100dow2013]

019. Rationalize

To my surprise, though, a few seconds pass and nothing happens. No seething remark from the darkness. No shadowy knife at my throat. Just silence.

“S- Sara?” I call out.

“I'm here,” she says. She sounds exhausted more than anything.

“Um, I, uh, brought you some food.”

“I'm not hungry.”

“Come on, you have to eat something.”

“I said I'm not hungry.”

“Oh, okay.”

I sit down on a step and fidget uncomfortably. Whenever I get home, she's just on the verge of making a break for it. I've never seen her like this before.

“I ran in to Shelle today,” I say, standing up and trying to find where Sara's hiding.

“That's nice.”

“She mentioned you. She told me how she was glad 'this whole Sara thing blew over.'”

“Okay.”

“Okay? What do you mean okay?”

“I mean that's fine.”

“How is that fine? She was your friend, and she just threw you away like nothing ever happened. Aren't you mad?”

“She wasn't my friend,” she says coldly, her voice seeming to echo from all around me. “She tolerated me because she pitied me. She was too busy chasing after popularity to really be my friend.”

“Th- that's not true!” I insist. “I mean, even if she wasn't that close to you, she still was nice to you! She was you friend! And she just abandoned you!”

“I don't care.”

“How can you not care?” I cry. I notice I'm trembling. My fists are clenched. My face feels hot. “Why won't you get angry! She hurt you! She toyed with you! You thought you were friends, but it was all a lie! Doesn't that make you angry?”

There's a long, agonizing silence.

“Should it make me angry? Does it make you angry?”

I feel a thin, hot tear slide off my face. “I... I was weak. When I meat you, I was weak. You were strong, I was weak. You didn't care about anything, and I messed up. I got too close to you and I messed up everything. I get that.

“But then why am I doing it again? If I know all of that, then why am I doing it again? What gives me the right to rip apart her life like that?”

“It's because you're a monster,” I hear from right behind me. I turn around to finally see her face. It's paler than I remember it being, like it's just a ghostly copy and not the real thing. “You're a monster, Angel, and you always have been. You wanted to do this to me, and you want to do this to her. You get off on this, you sick piece of crap.”

“N- no! I don't!”

I fall to my knees and beg her to take it back. Tears fall of my face and splash to the ground. When I look back up at her, she's gone.

[100dow2013]

018. Think

She's looking at me. I'm looking at her. For all we care, there's no one else in the room. All that matters is just me and her.

I reach for a french fry, dip it in my ketchup, and inhale it.

“What am I thinking right now?” I ask her, never taking my concentration off of her.

“Good, but you could have just inferred that from my empty basket. What am I thinking now?”

“You're thinking that could have just been a lucky guess and we really need to make sure.”

“And what's he thinking?” I ask, nudging my head towards a man sitting at a table near the wall.

“I don't know, I can't hear him. I'm focusing on you.”

“Good. But focus on him now. What is he thinking?”

“He- um... you don't want to know.”

I laugh and smile. That's good enough. “Good job.”

We high five, and for that split-second of contact, I can hear the voices in her head. It's quieter than it was last time I heard them, more controlled. They're a low rumble rather than an overpowering roar. And through it all, I can just barely hear my own thoughts echoed back to me. It's a surreal feeling.

“We're going to have to work on that, but you're getting a lot better.” She lets out of a woohoo, and I respond with a small smile. “You want some more fries?”

“No, thanks, I'm good. But isn't this exciting? Like, I can read people's minds! Who hasn't wanted to do that before? I can totally use this to get a leg up on Julia. The prom queen is going down this year!”

I roll my eyes. An opportunity like this presents itself, and the first thing she can think about is getting revenge on the girl who stole her dream-man.

“What, you're not worried about people calling you a freak anymore?”

Her mood drops instantly.

“I... I don't know. It's like before this happened, I would have thought it was the worst thing ever. Sara was a freak, and Rayan was a freak, but now it's like a taste of my own medicine, you know? Like yeah I hear voices but it's not like oh look out she's hearing voices it's I'm hearing other people's voices and yeah I guess people would call me a freak but you know so what if I am a freak? It's like... I don't know, you know?”

“Yeah, I think I do,” I laugh.

Her brain finally catches up with her mouth, and her eyes grow wide. She buries her head in her hands and lets out a small moan.

“Oh gosh, Rayan! I was a total jerk to him before!” She whimpers, then looks up at me. “Hey, you're friends with Rayan now, right?”

I groan. “Can we not talk about Rayan?”

“What, I thought you were cool now that the whole Sara thing blew over?”

“It's... complicated,” I tell her. And by complicated, I mean the whole Sara thing is far from being over.

She pouts. “Well, if you talk to him again, can you tell him that I'm really sorry? Or to come talk to me so I can apologize to him?”

“Sure.”

A long awkward pause stretches out between us. As the seconds creep on, I become aware of a faint tingling in my brain.

“Are you reading my mind?” I demand. “What did I tell you about that?”

“Sorry, sorry! No invading friends' privacy. Only mess with the minds of strangers and enemies. I just... Sorry. I didn't mean to offend you or whatever.”

“It's okay,” I say dryly. “Listen, I've got to get going. I've still got, uh, homework and stuff to do.”

“Yeah,” she nods sadly.

I hurry out of the restaurant and out of sigh. Another few things added to my pile of good deeds, and another few things added to my pile of bad things. Of course, the stacks are still weighed against me considering I've got a girl in my basement who would be totally freaking out right now if I didn't mess with her mind every few hours.

No invading friends' privacy. Only mess with the minds of strangers and enemies. I laugh. That's the rule I gave her, so I guess that makes me the biggest hypocrite on the face of the planet. Does that make Sara my enemy? A stranger? She may as well be. All of our interactions are based around me screwing with her out of fear. A relationship based on fear. That's exactly what I wanted at the start of this year.

And Rayan and Shelle. Anyone that I've ever come close to calling my friend has had their life screwed up because of me. Shelle doesn't seem to mind, but she just doesn't know enough to.

I sigh. I'm digging a hole for myself, and it's not getting any better. Either way, I'm going to end up alone. So why don't I just choose the way out that ends better for everyone else?

Because I'm selfish.

[100dow2013]

008. Rivals

“Hi, Jason. Imagine meeting you here!”

“At my locker?”

“Hahahaha, yeah!” I laugh awkwardly. Come on, idiot. Make your move!

“So, uh, can I help you with something?” he asks and gives me a smile that, under other circumstances, would stop me dead in my tracks. But not today. I'm on a mission.

“Um, yeah, haha, I was just thinking, you know, there's this dance on Friday, and like, I don't know, maybe you wanted to go with me, and I mean, like, if you didn't want to go with me that's cool, too, but I think it would be really cool if you would go with me 'cause you're like totally cool and it would be really cool if we could go to the dance 'cause it's going to be really cool and um yeah.”

Real smooth.

He blinks at me a couple times. He doesn't say anything.

“Sorry, Rachel, but he's going to the dance with me. Isn't that right, Jason?”

I look over to see Julia standing behind him, smirking at me evilly. She's wearing a white hairband that matches her knee-high boots, and she's got a black skirt and jacket that matches her straight black hair. Her low-cut shirt has a thousand tiny little gems studded into it, except for the shape of a heart right in the middle of it.

She's the pure embodiment of evil.

“It's Rashelle,” I correct her. Not that it ever does any good.

“Uh, sorry, Rashelle, but, yeah, I'm going with Julia. I'll see you around.”

Jason flees the scene. Julia laughs at me and shakes her head.

“It must be hard being such a freak.”

“I'm not a freak!” I insist.

“Oh, please. You hung out with that creepy goth girl. She was, like, the queen of the freaks. Which makes you the princess of freaks. You're not even the top of the foodchain in loserville. Now that's just sad. Have fun going stag.”

She brushes past me and nudges me hard enough to make me drop my books.

I stick my tongue out at her as she walks away, then drop down to pick up my books. When I do, there's already a hand doing so. I look up. It's Angel.

He smiles at me. “Wow, what a jerk.”

“You saw that?”

“Yeah. I figured she was just like that to me. Sorry.”

“Don't be. You didn't do anything. She just woke up on the wrong side of life.”

He laughs. “Well, you're talking to me, and by her standards I'm probably the king of the freaks. So you just having this conversation with me is lowering your popularity. So... sorry.”

“But it's not fair! You're not a freak! You're just awkward! I mean... uh, no offense.”

“None taken,” he says and shrugs. “I'm fine with being a freak.”

“Wow. I wish I was that confident,” I say and take my books from him.

“Why aren't you?”

“Well it's not that simple.”

“Sure it is!” he assures me. “Us freaks have to stick together.”

I smile. “I guess.”

We both stand there awkwardly for a moment. I've never really talked to Angel before. I was always thought he was just the awkward kid sitting in the corner of class, but he's actually talking. He started a conversation with me.

“Hey, you wanna dance?” I blurt out.

We're both a bit surprised at the suddenness of it.

“What?”

“Um, I mean, like, not right now. But this Friday? You wanna go to the dance? I mean, not like together together. Not like a date or anything. But like going stag together. Just to annoy Julia. I'd ask Rayan, but he's still trying to find Sara. I mean, seriously, how obsessed can you be?”

“He's looking for Sara?”

“Yeah, he's been doing it since the old school got destroyed. I keep telling him he needs to just let it go but he won't listen. So you wanna go to the dance or what?”

He looks down thoughtfully for a while. Then his eyes flick back up at me.

“Sure, why not.”

“Okay you can pick me up at 6 I'll be wearing something purple so try not to embarrass me and we'll have a great time! Oh and you should totally get a limo 'cause limos are totally awesome. Okay, I'll see you Friday! Bye!”

I dash off to my next class just as the bell rings. That'll show her.

[100dow2013]

004. Kick up the Beat

If I squint hard enough, I can just make out Shelle in the crowd of thrashing, dancing people. She's wearing a tight purple tube top, tight shorts, and enough bracelets that I'm surprised I can't hear her arms flailing from over here.

I look down at what I'm wearing. Shorts and a t-shirt.

I sigh and rest my head on the table. I watch Shelle in her natural habitat. A moment later she spots me and deftly maneuvers her way out of the crowd.

“Helloooooo, Angel!” she cries as she comes up to the table in leaps and bounds.

“Do you think they could turn the music up a little louder?” I shout. “I'm pretty sure I can still hear myself think.” Barely.

She slides into booth next to me and gives me a playful nudge that knocks me over.

“You're so silly!”

“I'm not having fun,” I tell honestly and frown.

“Well, that's because you're all alone! Nobody goes to a club to sit by themselves! Come on!”

Before I can protest, she pulls me to my feet and drags me to the dance floor. In an instant I'm submerged in a hot, stuffy, swirling mass of bodies.

She finds us a relatively unused space, then throws her head back and shouts, “Kick up the beat, DJ!” as if anyone else can actually hear her.

The bass drops. I just stand there; she starts dancing around me. She just prances around and flails for a minute or two, but then she starts to get uncomfortably close.

I push away from her as tactfully as possible.

“Listen, Shelle, I, uh, I gotta get going.”

I turn and flee. At least, I would if it weren't for the fact that I'm surrounded by a wall of people. So rather than fleeing, it's more like drowning and being tossed around for a bit. It's so hot it's suffocating.

When I finally emerge on the other side, I make a beeline for the exit.

No offense to Shelle, and hopefully she doesn't hate me for ditching her, but this is not the place for me. She can dance and have fun all she wants, but it's not for me. Big crowds full of strangers, bright colors, and loud noises are not at all part of my idea of fun.

I reach the outside and am greeted by the cool dark of an autumn night. The streets are almost clear, and the few people who are out don't pay any mind to another stranger. This is more like it.

[100dow2013]

002. Fall to Pieces

It's ten minutes since the bell rang. I let the rest of my classmates herd away while I finished my lunch, then debated with myself whether I should actually go to chemistry or just sneak out early. I should be getting home to see Sara, anyways.

“Shelle?”

She's sitting on the ground, head in her hands, right next to a dirty mop bucket. She looks up at me when I walk in, but then flinches and flails madly at the air in front of her.

“Get away!” she screams. “Make it stop!”

I grab her arms and wrestle them to her sides. It takes me a whole minute of shushing before she goes from screaming to just hyperventilating.

“Shelle, what's wrong?”

“Make them shut up!” she whines between snot-filled gasps. “I can hear all of them; it's so loud!”

“There's nobody here!” I tell her, but it's useless. “You're going to be okay.”

I reach down and touch her hand, and I'm suddenly hit with a wall of sound. It sounds like the cafeteria, everyone talking all at once, but right inside my head at a painful volume. My head feels like it's about to burst, like I'm drowning in a sea of voices all warring for preference inside my head.

I let go of her hand, and it's immediately silent.

We both stare at each other. There are tears welling up in her eyes.

“Shelle... what was that?”

“I'm a freak!” she cries and buries her head in her legs, curling up into a fetal position.

I'm at my feet in an instant and running through the halls. I don't stop until I'm a safe block away from the school. I fall to my knees and gasp for breath. There are tears in my eyes now.

Another one.

I've ruined another life.

This is why I left. This is why I shut myself away. I didn't want to hurt anyone anymore, so I shut myself away from the world. But then I told myself that everything would be fine. That I could reach out without ruining everything.

And then I hurt Sara.

And now I've hurt Rashelle.

They'd all be better off if I just disappeared.

Maybe I should just set everything right, back to the way it was before I came out of my shell. I'd give Sara back to Rayan and help Shelle get through this. I could do some good.

But there's no way I could that. If they found out this was all my fault, they would all hate me. They would never speak to me. And Sara... she'd kill me if I gave her the chance.

And so I stand up. I dry my eyes. And I continue the facade.

[100dow2010]

090. Triangle

            “I always knew there was something wrong with her. It was totally obvious she was a freak.”

             Ever since we got back to school, it’s been all ‘Sara’s a freak’ and ‘I always knew there was something wrong with her’ and ‘I’m glad she’s gone.’ It’s just so sickening, and I can’t take any more of it. Derron can do whatever he wants to me when I get home late; there’s no way I’m going to stay out there hearing every single person writing her off as some kind of monster.

             After finishing my fuming, I slide my backpack off my shoulder and head over to the storage room that coach never bothers to keep locked. A few minutes later, I’m kicking a soccer ball against the wall.

             It’s just starting to do me some good when Angel walks into the gym. I stop the ball and look at him. He smiles.

             “What’re you doing in here?” he asks, still trying to play the part of my friend.

             “Letting off steam,” I tell him and kick the soccer ball to him. He catches it just in time to stop it from knocking into his stomach, then drops it and kicks it at the wall. It ricochets back at me. Soon, we’re hitting it back and forth to each other.

             “So you’re mad?” he asks casually a minute or two in. “And here I thought I was the only one they were talking all that crap about Sara around.”

             “Yeah, I’m getting it, too,” I respond, kicking the ball with a bit more power than usual. It hits angel just hard enough to leave a bruise. “You knew Sara. What do you think about all this stuff they’re saying?”

             “I don’t really know what to think. One second I’m falling asleep on top of my philosophy book, the next I’m being evacuated from the building, and then the building is gone, and I see Sara in the middle of it.

             “Yeah, but you can’t really think she’s a freak, can you?”

             “Sure she’s a freak,” he admits flippantly. I frown. “But so am I, and who knows, you might be to. The question isn’t whether we’re freaks, it’s whether or not that’s a bad thing.”

             “Well, usually when people call you a freak it’s a bad thing,” I laugh.

             “Yeah, well, I’m not really one for usuals.” We kick the ball around silently a few more times before he asks, “So, are you still looking for her?”

             That question hits me by surprise, just like the soccer ball almost does. I can’t remember if I ever told him that I had been looking for Sara, so I try not to make a big deal out of it. Even if I didn’t tell him, it’s probably all over the school already that I’m chasing after the freak that destroyed the school. Heck, people are probably already calling me a freak, too.

             “Nah,” I tell him, “I’ve pretty much given it up. She obviously doesn’t want to be found.” That’s only partially a lie. There’s no doubt about it that she doesn’t want to be found, and I’m not really looking for her anymore. Right now I’m just trying to see what Angel knows. And I’m sure he knows something.

             “That’s probably for the best.”

             “Why’s that?” I ask, eying him suspiciously, probably a bit too suspiciously to avoid tipping him off that he said something wrong.

             “What?” he suddenly asks as he realizes what he’s done. “Oh, you know, just, because… if she doesn’t want to be found, you’re probably not going to find her. I’m sure that, when she’s ready, you’ll be the first one she’ll come to. I mean, you’re her boyfriend, right?”

             “Yeah, something like that,” I say and stop the ball under my feet. “Listen, I’ve gotta get home now. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

             “Yeah,” he says quietly, and I can tell he realizes he’s messed up. All the way home, my mind is working on just how his slip-up actually helps me.

[100dow2010]

084. Out Cold

            When I open my eyes again, my head feels like it’s been struck with a rock. A really big rock. I groan as I sit up, and then suddenly there’s something really sharp digging just barely into my neck. I can’t see anything, though. It’s all just dark. That’s when I hear her voice:

             “Sara?” I venture.

            The sharp thing digs a little bit further in.

             “If you speak when I don’t tell you to, I’ll kill you.”

             I take the hint that’s she’s not in an especially good mood and just nod. The point disappears from next to my neck, but I don’t allow myself to ease up too much. Even if she’s not close to me, I know she can still kill me in an instant. I taught her to be able to do that.

             “It was all a lie, wasn’t it?” she asks. I don’t respond until she barks, “You can answer that.”

             “I don’t understand the question,” I tell her dumbly, searching uselessly for some way to block myself if she gets a sudden burst of anger.

             “All that crap you told me. About how Rayan was ashamed of me; how he wasn’t coming for me; how he was ashamed of me. All this time you were pretending to be his friend! You were pretending to be both of our friends! But you’re not! You’re just some twerpy teenage boy who likes screwing with other people’s lives. All that time you told me I couldn’t go out, because people couldn’t ‘accept me,’ it was just so he wouldn’t find me, wasn’t it! And to think I believed you!”

             I don’t say anything. I can’t see her, but, knowing her, she’s probably glaring knives at me right now. Still, that’s better than having a real dagger or whatever that was at the ready to kill me.

             “All those months I spent with you… was there anything you said to me that wasn’t a lie?”

             “O- of course!” I exclaim, staring in the direction of her voice.

             “What? What could you have possibly said that wasn’t just some cruel trick to try to make me want to stay with you?”

             I turn my staring to the floor for a long time before finally telling her, “I meant it when I said I loved you.” In the long silence that follows, I really wish I could see her face. “Sara, no matter what you may think of me… I do love you, and I never meant to hurt you.”

             “Well, it’s too late for that,” she growls. “You almost got me killed. You almost got my boyfriend to kill me!”

             “I know! I’m sorry! For everything I did! I was stupid from the very beginning. You were just… so strong, and I was so weak. I wanted to know what it would feel like to have somebody actually like me and not think of me as a freak. I never meant to take it as far as I did. I just couldn’t stand the thought of losing you!”

             “Angel, you never had me!” she yells. “From the very beginning you were playing puppet master with my emotions! There was never a moment we were together that I was fully in control of myself. All that was was you loving yourself!”

             “I’m sorry!” I cry, literally. “I… I just wanted a friend!”

             “You already had your chance—with me and with Rayan—but you screwed up.”

             There’s something beyond anger in her voice as she talks. I hear footsteps, and a few seconds later she’s standing right in front of me, close enough for me to see the deep scowl on her face.

             “Rayan couldn’t kill you,” she says, “But he’s not the one that had to go through all of your sh*t. I’m not so lenient.”

             I close my eyes and fully prepare for the worst. It never comes, though. A minute later, when I open them, Sara is still standing in front of me, still scowling, but I’m still alive.

             “Lucky for you, killing you wouldn’t be worth it.” She starts to walk away, but calls back over her shoulder, “If I ever see you again, I’ll hurt you in ways you couldn’t imagine.”

             I watch her storm off through the darkness. When she’s fully out of sight, I fall to the ground in an unconscious heap.

[100dow2010]

069. Annoyance

    She always sat alone at lunch. Even when somebody dared to sit down at the same table as her, she would leave and find an empty seat somewhere. But it was always different with those two. Rayan and Rashelle were their names. They were the only two friends she ever had. No matter how hard I tried, I could never get close enough to label myself one of her ‘friends.’

     I never talked to any of them, for obvious reasons. Rayan was nothing but competition. She may not have admitted it, but he always held her heart in a way I never could. Rashelle was just too loud and cheery for me.

     One day, though, that changed. Sara and Rashelle were sitting together for awhile. I’d say that it looked like they were talking happily to each other, but it was more like Rashelle was talking happily and Sara was just listening. Soon, Rayan came up and sat down next to Sara. Rashelle and I could both tell that there would be no use in her trying to say anything further. She stood up and walked away; I just continued watching Sara and Rayan.

     That is, until Rashelle sat down on the bench next to me.

     “Hi, there!” she exclaimed, beaming at me.

     “Hi,” I responded without looking at her.

     “I don’t think I ever caught your name; I just keep calling you ‘the new guy.’ Well, my name’s Rashelle, what’s yours?”

     “Angel.”

     “Angel? That’s a funny name. I mean, it’s a really pretty name. But, you know, you just don’t expect a guy to have a pretty name. Most people would think that means you’re gay. Not that I think you’re gay! I just mean... most people would think that.” She paused for a moment, and I think she probably wanted me to say something. I didn’t, though, so she concluded, “Angel’s a nice name.”

     “Thanks.”

     She didn’t say anything for a long time, but I could tell she’s still staring at me. Not like I’m one to talk, I guess.

     “You love her, don’t you?” she asked.

     That got me to jump and look at her. “What?”

     “Sara. You’re in love, right?”

     “Is it that obvious?”

     She laughed. “Well, yeah. You are spending lunch staring at her. And yesterday you spent lunch staring at her. And everyday last week, and... pretty much every day I can think of.”

     I smiled uneasily and admitted, “Yeah, I guess I do. There’s just... something about her. I’ve never seen anyone so... strong as her.” She kept smiling at me like an idiot, and there was nothing I could do but glare at her. “You’re never going to tell her--anyone--that I told you this.” It wasn’t a question; it was a command.

     “Oh, of course not!” she squealed, and I couldn’t tell if she actually thought I would believe it or not. The bell rang, then, and she jumped up to her feet. “Ooh, looks like it’s time to go!”  she chimed and skipped out of the cafeteria. When I looked back to Sara, she and Rayan were both gone, so I just rolled my eyes and went to class.