“I’m a Soulmate…Get Me Out of Here!” Pt.1
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Chapter One: “I suspect your single era will be coming to an end soon Ginge…”
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The jungle humidity clung to everything; thick, heavy and relentless. It clung to Morgan's skin like a damp flannel he couldn't shake off, one that stank of woodsmoke and rot.
Back in Salford the air was crisp, tasting of exhaust fumes and chippy grease, he'd take that over this any day.
It was the fourth night in camp, and the novelty had worn off, replaced with a bone deep grumpiness.
Morgan shifted his weight for the third time in just the past few minutes, the log he perched on seemed personally offended by his thighs, the bark digging in at all the worst angles as he tried (and failed) to enjoy his mushy beans and rice.
He sighed after yet another disgusting watery mouthful, thinking about everything he missed back home; hot showers, deliveroo, kebabs, FIFA with the lads, deliveroo again, and his dog Spike, the grumpy old shih tzu, though Spike was probably not missing him, he was probably snoring on his sister's sofa right now, completely oblivious to the fact Morgan was currently being eaten alive by midges for the nation's entertainment.
Across the campfire, Ruby Wax was mid-story, her hands waving animatedly as she spoke to Martin Kemp who was wheezing into his beans.
"I'm telling you, Martin... I saw the sign at Vienna airport and thought 'oh how peculiar, these Australian's sure are funny, this must be a prank since it's April"
Morgan let out a snort, nearly losing the mouthful of beans he was chewing.
"Rubes, you're telling me you sat on a two hour flight to Austria and you just assumed the pilot was taking a cheeky shortcut across the globe?"
"Well, I did wonder why we didn't seem to be crossing an ocean" she replied, completely serious. "I just assumed it was a very fast flight, like the Concorde I used to take to New York back in the day."
Morgan shook his head and shot back "Rubes, even if Concorde still existed, I reckon it'd take a bit longer than two hours for it to reach Sydney"
"Well Ginge, darling" she said airly, "I am but a dotty old lady. Skyscanner is a confusing website, how does it know all the flights? I'm far too old for such confusing things"
"Yet here you are, somehow in the jungle" he joked with a tired grin, the campbed that creaked with every roll catching up to him with every sentence.
Ruby smirked. "Well, Ginge, I couldn't let a handsome lad like yourself suffer alone in here."
The camp erupted into a round of tired chuckles.
Morgan shook his head, leaning back.
"Ruby, If I were a 'handsome lad' I wouldn't be in the jungle eating this mush, I'd be on a sofa back home with a fit bird I'd be calling my missus."
Ruby raised an eyebrow at that, a knowing smile creeping onto her face, leaning forward with the sparkle in her eyes that screamed trouble.
"Oh I don't know about that" she said, tilting her head "you don't strike me as the lovey-dovey type."
Morgan scoffed, straightening slightly "excuse me, what's that supposed to mean?"
Ruby smirked and waved a hand vaguely in his direction, "I reckon you're one of those lads who thinks taking a girl to Spoons is the height of sophistication."
Morgan looked genuinely affronted, mouth hanging open slightly as he processed what she'd said
"Oi! I'm actually offended that you'd think that Rubes, I'll have you know I am very romantic, I just don't look it."
"Go on then" she challenged, grinning with a glint in her eye "convince me, what's a proper date then?"
He froze, mid-chew, thinking of how he can try and sound suave while eating beans from a mug, knowing full well half the nation's ladies are watching him. However, before he could muster up his answer, a familiar bellowing laugh rang out from the log next to Ruby, Lisa Riley was watching this all with a grin.
"Let me guess" she interjected, her accent thick and warm, like that one fun aunt who slips you a tenner during a hug "a proper date for a lad like you, is a cheeky nandos? Medium spice, extra chips and the garlic bread don't forget!"
Morgan and Aitch let out a simultaneous offended scoff "Nah Nah, don't do us like that."
"It's all I hear about!" Lisa exclaimed "My daughter, Layla, she's always on at me about it, she says if one more man tries to take her on a Nando's date, she's going to move to a convent. She calls it 'NPC behaviour' whatever that means."
Aitch suddenly sat up straight and pointed at Lisa
"Lis.. not to be mean to your daughter, but if she doesn't rate nandos then there's summit wrong with her up there" and taps his forehead.
Lisa let out a shocked laugh
"Nah there's nothing wrong with my Layla's noggin, she's a bright one, she's a trainee solicitor, paid to be sharp yeah, spends her days terrorising people in suits up at the ITV office in Manchester. I'm sure she does rate nandos once in a while, just not every hinge date, gets a bit repetitive, you boys need to up your game."
Morgan shook his head in mock sadness, "Your Layla sounds dead cheeky, Lis, calling us lads NPCs? Thats cold, right Aitch, proper cold"
Aitch nodded solemnly "nah shes actual mad for that, NPC, I'm a main character I am, dunno about ginge here tho"
Morgan gasped in shock "Oi! I am not an NPC"
Aitch shook his head holding back a laugh
"nah, see that there mate, thats summit a NPC would be programmed to say... look at your haircut, that is the manchester hive mind trim"
"Slander, Lies, you can't comment on my trim mate, you've got no hair" Morgan shot back, which made Aitch gasp and stand to his feet
"nah, nah, that's cold Burtwistle, that's proper cold, I may have no hair, but I've still got more birds than you ever will." Aitch smirked before sitting back down and going back to chewing his beans, looking properly smug with himself for that line.
The camp laughed, while Morgan sat there frozen, letting out a little scoff and turning back to his beans muttering "whatever, least I can reach the top shelf at Tescos."
To this aitch lets out a shocked cackle and grins "y'know what Ginge, fair play."
The topic ebbed out, with Ruby returning to her story about what happened next at the airport. However, Morgan's thoughts remained, thinking about Lisa's words
'Do girls really not rate Nando's? Is that why I'm single?, because I take girls to Nando's...'
'Nah, nah that can't be the reason surely, if it's nandos, then all my mates should be single too, they always take their girls there, nah, the birds just don't rate gingers, yeah.. That's totally the reason behind my single streak, i'm sure my soulmate will love Nando's'
As he was thinking about it, he felt yet another midge crawl under his shirt, Morgan sighed, pulling down the collar of his shirt to flick it away, and to itch the bitemarks that already covered his chest.
As he scratched at his irritated skin, Morgan barely noticed that Lisa had gone quiet
Her gaze fixed on something… something just below his collar as if it was the most fascinating thing she'd seen all day.
"Oi, Ginge, is that a tattoo or a soulmark?" she asked curiously.
Morgan sighed, "it's a soulmark, do you actually think i'd willingly get a pink tulip and a football tatted on me?"
He was sick of this question, the lads always took the piss out of him for having a tulip as a soul-mark, being known as Fifi flower-tot all of high school really made the novelty wear off fast.
She lets out a small laugh "you never know, drunk tattoo's exist." Her eyes were still locked in on his collarbone. Morgan shifted uncomfortably from her gaze.
"Why you staring Lis?"
Lisa didn't answer, she was dead still, her mug of beans trembling in her hands, she knew that soulmark.
She'd seen it before, on a newborn's shoulder in a hospital room twenty-two years ago.
On a toddler tearing through the Emmerdale set.
On her daughter.
The exact same pale pink tulip with the football next to it, the same side of her collar and all.
A slow, terrifying grin spread across Lisa's face, as she looked up from his collar and towards his face.
"Actually, Ginge..." her voice carried a sing-song lilt as she smiled "I suspect your single era will be coming to an end soon. Don't you worry my dear."
Morgan froze, his spoon falling to the jungle floor with a clatter "Nah, Lisa, what the fuck, whats that supposed to mean?!?"
Lisa's grin widened, her eyes sparkling with something unknown to Morgan
"Oh you'll find out soon enough Ginge, patience is a virtue, just know you're a lucky lad."
Morgan stood up, his voice turning into an indignant whine "nahhhh you can't just drop summit like that and expect me to be normal Lis, tell me please, I swear is this a prank?, nah, you're taking the piss.. Aren't you?"
Lisa just shook her head, "I'm not saying any more than that, we are on national TV, it wouldn't be fair on the other person, the Media would be hunting her down the minute I give even the slightest detail. I've been in the industry long enough to know the media are a bunch of vultures."
Morgan stood there, his mouth opening and closing, trying to process what Lisa is trying to imply "w-what? Nah, what??? Nah, Lisa, you know my soulmate????"
She just nodded, suddenly serious, her previous grin gone
"Look, once we are both out of the jungle I'll tell you about her, until then that's all you get."
Morgan just nodded, but his stomach dropped like he'd swallowed a rock.
His life had just shifted, and it wasn't just his life, his soulmates as well.
And it was happening in front of millions.