you doing good? just checking up on ya and seeing you’re doing! drink water n stay hydrated bby! 💗 -ann (anntidote)
hi bb!!! @anntidote 🥺 i hope you dont mind me using this as essentially an update for my followers too adlsfjaljdf. but i love you so so so much <3 your initial message i read when i was feeling so shitty that i cried even more but out of happiness 🥺 im repeating it again, i LOVE YOU AHHHH
but first things first, i’m doing alright! i’m doing my best to take care of myself in the midst of midterms but damn i’ve never expected my life to turn out like this when i first decided to take a break off of tumblr.
this is a long boi because i think part of me just wants to vent it out. and it’s under the cut. it doesn’t deal with too much?? heavy stuff??? but it does??? idk. i “ran away” from home if that’s any indication LMAO. just be cautious, please.
i went off tumblr for a bit because i think it was causing me too much anxiety to get something written out. i was also going insane with everything when it came to school and, honestly, i still am. i hate school so much because i don't even want to study physics but i feel like its too late and with how my life is, im sticking with it just so i can ensure having a job out of college to gain that financial independence.
i went into a really bad depressive episode....? or whatever for a while and it took me a while to get out of until i reached out to my oldest brother after isolating myself from friends and family. and things were looking up a bit. and when things were looking up that’s when i got that one suga fic done, the one i’m most proud of.
but something happened with the current family members at home and im no longer at home for now, im with my sister in the meantime because i literally couldn’t take it. i’ve never been put into a situation where i had such a physical reaction to something so emotional. i felt so sick and terrible and i couldn’t eat or drink water and it felt worse than when i was recovering from my jaw surgery and i hated that time of my life.
im going back home soon but i don't know what the environment will be like when i do go back home. my family’s a fucking mess and i think if you really want to try understanding it, my brother got married a year ago and my parents didn’t want to go despite all of us thinking our parents would approve of her. the reason why? is because it wasn’t a catholic wedding and my brother and my sister-in-law didn’t want a big wedding, just a small one. and my younger older brother is on the side of my parents and since he’s the one living at home with me, we’ve had a strained relationship despite the fact that he was my biggest role model growing up so i’ve been coming to terms that he’s not the same brother i looked up to anymore.
as of right now i do have money saved and im planning on moving back to my college campus and living with some friends. and i’ll be job hunting soon as well.
i know i’ll be okay.
and i know i have so many people who care about me, maybe even moreso than my family. im not saying my family doesn’t care about me, the toxic ones. i know they do but i am also aware that the way they care about me isn’t healthy for me especially if i want to grow.
i never expected myself “running away” or doing whatever. it’s kinda crazy to me and i’m so anxious about going back home. it’s been a crazy ride but i hope y’all are doing well 🥺 i hope to be back and writing because i know i stop writing when im in a bad place and any pieces i do write aren’t even ones i’m proud of but i write again when im in a good place and those pieces are always the ones im proud of.
i hope that one day i can fix my relationship with the younger older brother, and even my parents. i just know that i can’t do that right now and i need to stop thinking so idealistic like i have been the past few years. I've been so stuck as the baby of the family being the glue especially since i’ve been the most consistent presence with my parents and im the one who talks the most to each sibling rather than them to each other.
anyway one fun thing is im proud to know that if i ever do go off on my own i apparently have the balls to steal my dog with me because i know for a damn fact that my brother wouldn’t take care of her and my parents work out of the house so they definitely won’t.
