as soon as i read the first sentence of the first pll book, i was hooked. i was 11 years old and attending a small montessori school in which ‘gay’ was probably the biggest insult, coming just ahead of ‘girly’. the word ‘gay’, to me, was synonymous with nerd and geek and uncool and wrong. the word ‘lesbian’ described a girl with short hair who i wouldn’t want to be alone with.
yet as i read that first pll book on my mother’s ipad on the couch while in paris, coincidentally, i read and re-read each one of emily and maya’s scenes together. for some reason that i couldn’t quite put my finger on, their friendship was fascinating to me. it made me feel something i had never felt before, even though i still thought of emily fields as the gay one, the weird one, the one that i didn’t want to be like. but deep down, part of me was intrigued.
i read almost the entire first pll book on a train ride from paris to berlin. i hid it from my mom as i read it on the large ipad from 2010, knowing that she wouldn’t let me read it because i was too young. and when i finished the book, i couldn’t read the next one because it cost money i knew she wouldn’t let me spend. so when we got to the hotel room in berlin, i started pretty little liars on netflix and became overwhelmingly hooked.
i became immediately infatuated with alison dilaurentis. she was everything i wanted to be. she was beautiful and popular and those were the only two things i wanted to be at age 11, and on some naive level, those are still the most important things to me now. but the difference is that now, i realize my fault in thinking that way. in a way, i heavily relate to alison’s journey from closeted bitch to accepting herself and becoming a much happier and more free person. even thought her transformation took almost a decade, mine took about two years. yet i have no doubt in my heart that if i hadn’t idolized alison so much, i wouldn’t have wanted to change with her. i wouldn’t have felt compelled to explore the side of me that i never thought about, the side that loved girls. alison dilaurentis is a character i will always keep close to my heart, and i can’t thank sasha pieterse enough for portraying her.
the other pll character who has influenced me greatly is emily fields. emily’s coming out storyline is still one that resonates with me deeply. when i came out as bisexual and my mother told me she didn’t believe me, i thought of emily as i cried later that night. and when i told her i was really a lesbian, and she again, didn’t believe me, i felt even more connected to emily. my mother wasn’t as bigoted as pam fields, she just didn’t expect her daughter to be gay; she didn’t think it would happen to her. now, two years after coming out as bi, over a year after coming out as a lesbian, my mom accepts that i am a lesbian, just as pam fields accepts emily.
emison drew me in from the first moment. they were my first otp, back when i was 11. i remember watching 5x05 and then rewatching 5x05, obsessing over their kiss. i wanted to be one of them, although i wasn’t sure which. maybe both. i fell in love with the loyal way emily loved alison and the silent way ali loved her back. i made my tumblr dedicated to emison at age 12, and now, 14 and three tumblr accounts and about 7 url’s later, my tumblr is still about emison. emison has opened me up to myself but if i talk any more about that i think i’ll just be repeating myself over and over again.
but maybe the most important thing pll has given me is emer. she has become one of my best friends. she is so funny and always there when i need to forget about bad things happening in my life. she’s beautiful and her accent is adorable. i’m so grateful that pretty little liars, and more specifically, emison, have given me the opportunity to meet someone as amazing as emer. i’m so happy the universe led me to meeting her.
the cast of pretty little liars is what i’ll miss the most. shay, sasha, lucy, troian, and ashley have been huge influences in my life. their friendship is perhaps even stronger than it is in their show. i’ve loved watching them grow as individuals and as a group. the fact that they & janel got matching tattoos is a perfect example of their love for one another.
although i dislike the characted hanna marin, ashley’s mix of humor and cockiness can always brighten my day. her love for every person in her life is obvious in everything that she does. i saw a completely different side of her on the day pll wrapped. watching her snapchats of her and the girls sobbing proved to me just how emotional and caring ashley is. i will miss hearing her laugh along with lucy about their myspace days and watching her go on amazing outings and even vacations with shay. i will miss her sarcastic banter with troian and her adorable mentorship of sasha. although i will still see her with other people, it won’t be the same.
aria montgomery has always been a boring character to me, but lucy is far from boring. she is sweet and so gorgeous, as if someone took a doll off of the pll set and brought it to life with pixie dust. her laugh is adorable and her smile always seems genuine. she is a very well rounded, loving, and grounded individual. she is independent but also draws strength from the people around her. i will miss her sweet bond and cute height difference with shay and her loving and cuddly attitude with troian. her bond with sasha is what i might miss most of all. i wish i could listen to her laugh for all of eternity.
i fell in love with alison dilaurentis and falling in love with sasha came close after. she is insanely talented and always has been, even at the age of 12. she is mature yet also fun and bubbly, allowing her to make strong friendships with people who are nearly a decade or more older than her. she has remained warm, kind and caring, even though she rose to fame during middle school. she has faced so much stupid hate from people who don’t even deserve the calories she burns typing out a response to their hate. she shouldn’t have to explain her weight, yet she does. i will miss her sister like bond with troian, which is amazing, considering their age difference. but what i will miss the most is sasha’s interactions with shay. their constant joking and closeness, as well as how comfortable they are with each other, makes my heart happy. sasha has a beautiful soul. and everyone who comes into contact with her can see it.
spencer hastings and troian are very similar, but i have to say i prefer troian. she is so smart and worldly, sharing her thoughts on politics and social justice not for attention, but because it’s what she believes is right. her passion for our earth makes me want to be more of an activist for our planet. i remember when she was heavily advocating to save honeybees. it deeply inspired me and resonated with me on a completely unexpected level. troian is passionate about her work and she is the best actress on pretty little liars. i can’t wait to see where she goes from here. she deserved a better show with better writing, but she did the best she ever possibly could with what she was given. she is only going to grow as an actor and a director. i will miss her protectiveness over all of the girls, as well as her light teasing of them. i will always love and support troian.
emily fields grew on me after i became infatuated with the goddess that is shay mitchell. she is charismatic and gorgeous, kind and loyal, and a natural born leader. she has come so far from where she began, and although pretty little liars is the reason for it, i know that she would have rose to fame even if she hadn’t been cast as emily fields. her support for the lgbt community and her passion for portraying emily fields is inspiring and admirable. not to mention that she is insanely, crazily, immensely beautiful and one of the sexiest women i’ve ever seen. she was one of the first girls i was ever comfortable with my attraction to, and that means something to me. she was my first girl crush that i fully accepted and came to terms with. she has helped me so much with accepting who i am, even without being a lesbian herself. i will miss watching her joke around with troian and the whole cast. she is one of my favorite parts of pretty little liars, and i will always be thankful for her.
pretty little liars WAS my entire middle school “career”. pretty little liars showed me who i am. pretty little liars introduced me to new people and new ideas. i can't thank the cast and crew of the show enough. also, sara shepard, i’m forever in debt to you for creating the universe of pretty little liars. emer, i hope you and i can scream about gay ships for years to come.
as i go into high school, it seems fitting that that pll is ending. that it has ended. my three years of middle school and my three years of pretty little liars are always going to be synonymous in my memory.
goodbye, pretty little liars. i will remember you as the best part of middle school. you were always there for me. hell, i even had a girl go down on me for the first time while an episode from season 3 was playing on the computer next to me.
goodbye, emison. thank you for allowing me to get close with emer. thank you for urging me to delve into the feelings in my head. thank you for making me feel like i belong, because i do. thank you.
i feel like there is something else i should say, but i don’t know what it is.