#anon help

[fluxarata-rpf]

hello rpf warriors i have a question. do yall know of any discord servers for states fans that are like. rpf freak safe. yall know what i mean yeah? asking for a friend but like. genuinely asking for a friend.

[wokerevolverocelot]

does anyone have the post where rose linked Eden's diary blog to their post or smth? id like that for archival purposes pls and thank you

[notrerra]

[simmonsized]

every time you tag something w bro in it something like "thinking about him" I think to myself "yeah you would be" and nod as I scroll

OKAY WELL

i mean you got me there i am usually thinking about him, more often than not lately which probably says a lot about me as a person

[iridessence]

Miss Iridessence, you are one of the most beautiful people I've ever seen. I'm always stunned by your pictures. I'm also a fat woman, but I struggle so much in seeing myself as beautiful (I don't think I'm nearly as beautiful as you in general, you literally glow). I'm getting married very soon, too, but I feel so bad about myself because I know that the people around me (my family is very old fashioned) see my being fat as a failure. I've been working a lot on how I see myself, because I want to be happy as myself, but when it comes to the wedding stuff, my dress, my makeup and my hair, I just feel so silly and like there's no way for me to be pretty. Do have any advice for me to try and see myself as a beautiful bride?

Hi there! The most sincerest congratulations to you for your engagement and upcoming wedding with your love. This is an incredible time, you deserve to feel giddy and excited and not laden with these complicated feelings right now. Let’s buckle in as there’s a long post ahead.

So first, you must commit to honoring yourself by how you speak about yourself. You’re already doing a great job by using “I think I am XYZ/I feel XYZ” statements as opposed to absolutes (“I am XYZ, etc”) … It’s hard to control what our brains tell us, but it’s not impossible, and it’s theoretically easier to control what we say aloud or write. Please please try not to put yourself down verbally, while in the process of complimenting someone else. It’s never going to be good for you and even worse it may make things awkward for the recipient who then may feel like compelled to comfort or emotionally manage, instead of being able to fully and presently receive your compliment.

Otherwise, I could tell you something like “look in the mirror and say these self affirmations,” but the fact of the matter is that it may not work for everyone, and that’s not the end-all-be-all in the process toward building self-esteem, so I want to focus on the following things…

I want you to reflect upon whether or not you want the wedding hubbub. I’m not asking you to question if you want to get married but rather the rituals that come along with the wedding process. Are they important to you? If not, that could be behind why it seems silly and ineffective. Lots of people go through the whole show to appease their partners or their family and then it stresses them out and it feels foreign, and it’s all because they never wanted it in the first place. If that’s the case, I invite you to consider that you really can let the hubbub go.

If things like makeup, hair and dresses are important to you, then I urge you to accept that that is simply enough for you to be able to partake in them. It’s your right to wear whatever kind of hairstyle or dress or makeup you want whether it supposedly works good or not. If that’s what you want to do for your wedding, you get to have it! This is another way to frame it if you have trouble seeing yourself as the beautiful bride that I’m sure you are and especially the beautiful bride that your partner will see. It simply doesn’t matter, it’s your day and it’s your choice to partake in the ritual how you would like to. You get to wear the things you want to wear if you enjoy them.

Also I can’t see what options you’ve selected or what stylists you’ve gone with, but it may be worth revisiting if the looks you want are execute with finesse. Are your stylists a match for creating the look you want with your hair, makeup and gown? It may be hard to say without photographic evidence but it’s a possibility. The nuances in fit, high-quality construction and execution truly make a world of difference in feeling like something looks right on you and it’s what I’ve built my own process around. It’s applicable to hair, makeup and clothing.

The other thing I think might be important for you to consider is to set boundaries with your family where you can. Perhaps you’re not at a place where you can tell them outright not to talk to you about certain things regarding your appearance, but perhaps there may be opportunities to reroute the conversation and switch gears so that your appearance is no longer the subject. You might have to do it more than one time in a conversation and even be firm about it but at the end of the day, if they see your body as a failure, there is no purpose in talking about such things with them and it will be like pulling teeth to make it otherwise. For your health sake, you have to set that boundary and hold it.

Last but not least, lean into your partner. Share how you feel with them and if they build you up, let them do so and let yourself receive it. While you can’t place your self-worth in the opinion of another person, that doesn’t mean that they can’t help you to see things about yourself from an outside perspective. We are all constantly deeply in our heads and it’s sometimes nice to get input from someone who sees us through rose-colored glasses. I invite you to partake in this honeymoon period by letting your partner illuminate all the beautiful things about you. If you have friends with great communication, let them do the same!

I hope some of this is helpful and that you have the wedding experience you truly deserve.

Best wishes, anonymous!

[contentment-of-cats]

F*ck anons

Hate, Harassment, and Threats: Coping and Handling

It happens and it's happened since the rise of LJ. I remember getting my first hatepost and how much it upset me, but I was never a target in the way that many were. LJ was truly the wild and wooly west - Dodge City or Deadwood, when people thought it would be a utopia. We had greyfaces, anons, sock puppets, and meat puppets. For people transitioning from controlled environments like e-Groups, Listserv, and forums it was not the mod-free utopia that they might have wished for. Real fandom scandals and legitimate harm to fans have been built on anons, sockpuppets, and greyfaces.

Terminology

Anon: Anonymous account either from outside the service or from an established account that has been anonymized.

Greyface: LJ term for an account with no identifiers, created explicitly to harass.

Sock Puppet: Account created by one person with the intent of being perceived as a separate individual.

Meat Puppet: Also used to be called a fanpoodle. A person whose actions are directed by another. Also called a muppet for having the controller's hand shoved so far up their ass that it can work their mouth.

Defining Hateposting/Cyberstalking/Harassment/Threats

First, there is a federal law -18 U.S. Code § 2261A Stalking - that defines stalking and harassment. Full text is here, with excerpt below:

(2) (Whoever) with the intent to kill, injure, harass, intimidate, or place under surveillance with intent to kill, injure, harass, or intimidate another person, uses the mail, any interactive computer service or electronic communication service or electronic communication system of interstate commerce, or any other facility of interstate or foreign commerce to engage in a course of conduct that— (A)places that person in reasonable fear of the death of or serious bodily injury to a person, a pet, a service animal, an emotional support animal, or a horse described in clause (i), (ii), (iii), or (iv) of paragraph (1)(A); or (B)causes, attempts to cause, or would be reasonably expected to cause substantial emotional distress to a person described in clause (i), (ii), or (iii) of paragraph (1)(A),

Laws can vary from state to state. 48 states have some laws on the books, with 44 having criminal penalties. You'll need to contact local law enforcement or look them up on your state legislature's website.

All forms of online harassment can be grouped under the label of cyberbullying. How do you know what is or isn't cyberbullying? There is a comprehensive list. Even some things that you didn't think might be bullying are, in fact, bullying. Unfortunately, the FBI seems to focus on financial crimes and scams, and have changed their reporting pages to reflect that. In all cases using the internet to convey threats as defined under 18 U.S. Code § 2261A need to be documented and reported to the FBI.

Documenting: Keep the Reciepts

Documenting online abuse is key to stopping online abuse. To be Tumblr specific, screenshots of DMs, replies to your posts, posts harassing you, reblogs of your posts with abuse in the comments and tagjacking or abusive hashtags, screenshots of anons/sockpuppets and harassing asks need to be kept. You need your receipts.

Fuck Anons

Anons are not worth your mental health or the pleasure and community you derive from fandom.

"But some of my followers are shy!"

They can create an account that they can use just for doing asks. Exposing you to abuse and bullying should not be the price of someone being shy. I have also turned on anons when someone has asked me to via DM, in a post comment, or via an anon comment on my Ao3 so that they could send me an ask without unmasking themselves. This protects me and protects them.

Tumblr recently started requiring a valid email address to send an anon without being signed in. This could be seen a couple of different ways - Tumblr wants some sort tabs on people using their site anonymously, or that they want people sending anons to create an account. There is nothing to stop an anon from creating a burner email account in order to harass, so that only goes so far.

Block anons. I am serious. Just go into your account settings and do it. You can even turn off asks entirely.

Per Tumblr: "Anonymous asks are not associated with a specific account, and blocking those will block the IP address of the sender."

So, if you block an anon and someone suddenly disappears from your followers, or you get a follower asking why they can't see or interact with your blog, then you have your answer as to where your anon bullying might well be coming from.

However, isn't it easier to just turn off anons?

Yes. It is. My anons are kept off 99.9 percent of the time and I sleep just fine.

Other Tips and Tricks

You can control who reblogs your posts. The default is that anyone on Tumblr can reblog. You can also block anyone from reblogging. The new feature offers middle ground by allowing you to add users allowed to reblog by mentioning them. I don't know if this extends to other parties reblogging from the people you allowed to reblog, however. Click on the little gear to access the dropdown.

From the Settings Menu

In addition to the default, you have two other options under the dropdown.

Tumblrs you follow and that have been mutuals with you for a week can reply

Only Tumblrs you follow can reply.

Keep the people you follow private by toggling this off.

Toggle off to stop DMs from people you don't follow.

Hide your Tumblr from people without a Tumblr, or from people who are signed out. Remove your blog from Tumblr search results or from search engine crawlers.

Finally, you can block DMs on a case by case basis, too.

Finally, it can be hard to start over, but when the bullying is too much and too persistent, you can back up your blog or take it private and start a new Tumblr with people you trust.

Other Resources

Online Harassment Field Guide - a really comprehensive source

[tifftoms]

Please recommend me some fics where James is kinda jerk to Lily at first but eventually change for her?

Oooooo! One of my favorite set ups! 🤗

I hope you’re asking me because that’s how I start my soul fic What Are You Doing To Me?

I also recommend:

Love and Other Tragedies

and I think Kiss and Tell is also this way?

These Cruel Delights if you’re into AUs!

I know there are more! Please help me help this anon out if you can think of the names of any! 😊

[mama-qwerty]

Hi. I'll be graduating from college in May and I'm so fucking scared. I don't know what's going on with my life, I don't know what to do with my life... I just don't know

Big hugs, sweetie. Take a breath. Take another. Don't think about the future, just focus on the now.

I'll let you in on a little secret that no one ever tells you.

Lots of people don't know what's going on with their lives. Lots of people don't know what to do with their life. Lots of people are confused and scared and feel like if they haven't figured everything out, discovered their life-long career, started their 401K, bought that house, got a car, found a significant other, etc, etc, etc, by the time they're [xx] age that they've failed at life.

This is all complete and utter BULLSHIT.

Take it from someone who has been around the block more than a few times. It's alright to be scared. It's normal. And it's completely fine to not have everything figured out by [xx] age.

The future is a scary prospect! There are so many unknowns, and so many things you can't control. So focus on the things you can.

You're graduating. Congratulations! That's a huge accomplishment. Take some time to celebrate that, and appreciate all the hard work you've put in to get to this point.

You had a goal--study hard, get good grades, graduate. And you did it! Give yourself a pat on the back!

But this is the scary part.

What now?

You feel like you're being thrown into a life you're maybe not quite ready for. That's fair. I don't think anyone's fully ready to become a Full Grown Adult. So it's okay to feel anxious about that.

But it's going to be okay. Take deep breaths. Don't focus on what you should be doing. (Especially based on society's pressures.) Measuring your life by what everyone else says you should be doing is the perfect recipe for making yourself absolutely nuts.

Talk to others about your fears. Does your school have a guidance counselor, or a job advisor? Maybe they can help point you in the right direction for after graduation.

Don't stress yourself out for not having all the answers right now. It's okay not to. Just breathe. Focus on keeping yourself healthy.

You sound so scared, and I'm sending you so many hugs.