I feel like when I was in the thick of abuse, despite the intensity & how long I'd spent my life in it, I never anticipated the extent of the affects once I 'got out'. it was just the blind need to 'get out' and at the time, I saw that as the salvation to finally 'build my life' & 'become a person'. of course I hope at some point it changes, but right now it feels like it has its hooks in me for good, and follows me everywhere I go. every day, every night. like since 'getting out' I am now fully seeing the full affects of it all. now i feel like I have a broken brain. and so many maladaptive 'coping mechanisms'. i feel like I'm still 'stuck there'. still the incessant issues with sleep. despite getting out, the constant pit in my stomach 'I'm not fine', 'it doesn't feel like I'm getting better' 'this is just me now.' realising how much of my life I've lost to struggle, survival. foundational years that affect the person you become and how you see the world and yourself. years where you're meant to feel safety and *enjoy* less responsibility. all of those years just gone. i still have so much anxiety & scary moments of almost dissociation, that makes me worry about my brain, which is the scariest thing in the world for me. the sad part is, part of me just wants to pretend it didn't really happen. now that my mother has 'softened' (from afar), i can't tell if its out of desire to control (now that I'm away from her) or if i can trust her? but how do I just absolve such intense torture over my life? I never expected I'd still be on speaking terms with her, but since she's softened and she's getting older, it feels like a weird time to cut her off, even though that was the plan. it is really hard living in a sort of distant but still connected limbo. what I hate is how I still long for repair with her, even though the affects from her have been absolutely catastrophic. if it was anyone else, or it wasn't so severe, I'd welcome the 'change' with open arms. but I don't know what it means & it does a number on my brain, because I'm still fearful of her & live everyday with the affects from the trauma she caused. I try to focus on myself, but I spend so much time thinking about her, probably because she's a direct thread to why I'm always feeling the way I am. and honestly, have realised I can't be as independent as I thought I would be able to (another devastating thing). one of the saddest things about emotional abuse, trauma, cptsd, is how isolating feels like the only way to feel safe sometimes. I worry all the time about how many relationships I just can't give what I'd like to give to, because I'm struggling so much. and I'm also *fucking lonely* but don't feel fit for building relationships in some ways. another thing is how despite everything, I still hold so much love for her. which isn't generally bad, but sometimes it feels like it is & just makes everything harder. I really just long to be more 'okay' its embarrassing.