One year on tumblr? — A personal ramble
I never really used social media before last year. The main reason I joined tumblr was so my sister could send me funny posts. I had no clue what I was doing, and just started posting random stuff, including crafts, memes, and some BG3 analysis posts that I admittedly look back on and cringe a bit.
I never expected to become a part of any community on here, let alone one so special as this little corner of the BG3 fandom. I didn't expect to grow a group of mutuals who are all so talented and kind. I didn't expect to receive messages checking in on me whenever I disappeared for a few days. I didn't expect to find other writers who share my passion and are so encouraging about my own ideas and characters, to relate so much to people I met here, to learn so much about myself from all of this, from fandom discussion to interacting with new people to growing through my craft of writing. I've changed so much in this past year that I couldn't possibly name all the ways.
Being online itself can be overwhelming, and a year later, I still haven't found a balance lol. It can make you feel lonely and small, to look out and see that you're just one drop in a sea of people who love the same things you do, who think just as deeply, who are funny and smart and cool, who create wonderful art that you inevitably compare to your own. It's hard to show up in a way that doesn't involve trying to juggle too much and eventually burning yourself out. I think I'm just not wired for keeping up with everything that's going on all the time. That's okay, but I want to find ways to show up more, because this place is good for me.
Mainly, it's been good for me to make connections, even in this limited capacity. I've been… pretty isolated for a while, so even just chatting with mutuals on here has made me feel like connection isn't so hard. That I can be appreciated. That I can belong. It sounds simple, but that has maybe been the most impactful part of making this blog, for me.
This space has also given me somewhere to practice unmasking and being myself more (whatever that means). That's something I actually want to continue working on from this point, because I've found myself falling back into old habits of self-isolation, being as safe and mundane as possible in how I express myself, because that's less vulnerable. I want to be myself more, and to stop being so afraid of what others might think of me. I'm not sure I know how to do that, but this year I'm really going to try. A big part of the reason for me dropping offline for periods of time has been overthinking and not feeling good enough, so I want to counter that. I want to show up and be weird and annoying and do it on purpose, to teach myself that I deserve to exist and be seen even when I'm not this perfect version of myself I think I should be. So expect more random unpolished posts in the future I guess haha.
After years of writing sporadically, never really finishing anything, joining tumblr has given me so much motivation to not only write, but share my writing with others. Just writing my BG3 fic has taught me SO much about myself that I can't even describe. But I have a terrible habit of comparing myself to others and always feeling as though I come up short. Still, being a writer is a very important part of my identity, and that's why it can sometimes be so painful.
Playing Baldur's Gate 3 really reignited my love for writing, and pushed me into writing fanfiction for the first time, despite my shame and reservations. It felt simultaneously like re-learning a part of myself, and stepping into something entirely new. Over this last year, I've written more than I had in the past five combined...but I'm not exactly consistent. I don't have an established schedule for writing, or daily habits; I write when I feel inspired. And given that I'm still "getting back into" writing, I'm still discovering my process, so I feel very clumsy compared to people who can put out incredible fic chapters regularly. That—combined with the way that depression sucks creativity and motivation straight out of my soul—has made it hard to finish anything. Or to feel good about what I have created. I haven't been in a great place this past year, admittedly, and I feel like it's negatively affected my art. That's an awful feeling, because writing is so important to me. I just feel uncreative and dull a lot of the time, and I'd be lying if I said that wasn't also a big part of the reason I've been offline so much.
I don't want this to seem like fishing for encouragement or affirmation; you all have given me so much support on every other post I've ever made. And I don't want to seem negative. I just think there's value in being honest, at least for me. Being on this website has been pushing me to grow and learn since I joined, and I believe that will continue to be true. It forces me to be visible instead of hiding. It forces me to interact with others when my worst impulses tell me to isolate. It gives me a space to express passion and joy instead of masking it like usual. It gives me a place to grow and experiment as a writer and be inspired by others' writing. I think showing up, being seen, is a way for me to hold myself accountable and take the steps to becoming the person I want to be. I know this all sounds a little dramatic for talking about tumblr.com, but this has genuinely been new territory for me.
And I just want to say thank you, for the millionth time, to all my mutuals who have made this a place worth staying. Our interactions have meant the world to me, and I want you to know how appreciated you are. I'm constantly inspired by all your creativity, and more importantly, by your kindness. I hope I can be as good an online friend to you as you've been to me 🩵