#another useless rant

[leng-m]

Writing Woes: Poor Research Skills

Researching history is honestly one of the most stressful things about writing my novel. I wish I could be one of those people who would just take a trip to a library and check out books and write notes. But because there’s so few official resources (Barangay pretty much contains almost everything of what we currently know), I have to look at less official publications -- so things like blog posts and self-published books. And these don’t just contain the impartial information that I need, in the way WHS presents his information in Barangay. They also usually come with opinionated commentaries, and these add to the stress I already feel. See, every time I open a book or stumble across a blog post about precolonial Philippine history, I already feel stressed because I have to confront my ignorance about it -- and let’s face it, history can be really uncomfortable when you’re rarely victorious. But when I come across those commentaries, it’s even more stressful, because they always contain politically-oriented messages about today’s issues. 

And I’m going to be honest. I don’t always agree with those messages. And they make me wonder whether I’m missing something, which in likelihood, I probably am. They make me question whether my story is even worth writing. I ping-pong back and forth between, “Nobody will care,” to “Everyone’s going to care too much and they’ll all hate it.” Haha.

I mean, I’m not trying to say that I want to keep my head in the sand and refuse to confront the issues that are prevalent in contemporary Filipino culture, because hey I’m affected by them too. And one of the greatest strengths of fantasy fiction is that it can help us better look at the things happening in the present and mundane world through a different perspective. However, sometimes I just want to know what people ate for breakfast, you know? But then I get pulled into something like politics of farming and lowland/highland conflict and tanned skin colour and the business of Bello Essentials today. And I’m just like... all I want to know is if eating corn for breakfast was a thing in 1500, or nah??? *headdesk*

[keepmyeyesonthehorizon]

No more dating apps, now to find someone will be force of fate. I'll be walking around the street distracted and a person will bump into me with a cup of coffee and I'll be angry at first, but I'll fall in love with the person's eyes after.

[anotheruselessblogpost]

You ever just end up gaslighting yourself into thinking that you're just broken weird and not actually autistic only to have it made very plainly obvious?

Had an appointment today. Stressed about it all week - honestly, probably since I made the damn thing - even though I pretended not to and when I get in, the person I made this appointment with asked me one question - one innocent, tiny question - and because it came out of left field and I didn't understand what they were asking of me and why they asked it, I broke. Ended up fighting to speak for a good two minutes. It was bad. They were nice, patient, but fuck.

So, noted. Autistic with nonverbal tendencies when pushed too far. But, honestly, who asks "what can we do for you" at an appointment meant for you to tell me what we're doing.

Gods. I still feel like crying and it's been hours.

[struggle-but-its-all-ocean-floor]

People who call Jungkook a “Jack of all trades but master of none” annoy me. 

What does it mean to ”master” a trade? Jimin and J-Hope are said to master dancing but there is a ton they can’t do. Hobi hasn’t mastered hip hop and Jimin hasn’t mastered contemporary. In their own ways, they’ve mastered dancing by being overall strong dancers with a unique style and a solid background in hip hop/contemporary - that’s the genre of dancing they’ve mastered: idol dancing + hip hop/contemporary. Jihope have mastered dancing precisely because they’re Jacks of all trades with a high skill level in a specific dancing style. In the idol world, you’d call him masters, but in the hip hop/contemporary dancing spheres they aren’t. So, again, what does it mean to master something? Compared to most entertainers, Jungkook’s already mastered dancing. 

(Also, JK absolutely has his own dancing style, although it’s not as defined as Jihope’s. For some reason, being smooth like Hobi or elegant like Jimin counts as “style”, but being powerful doesn’t...)

Moving on, being good at many things but not amazing at any can absolutely be a weakness - or rather, a limitation - in a group, as many idols fail to stand out because of it (though most of the time those idols are above average only). So this is what I don’t understand: does Jungkook not stand out on stage or in BTS, or in the industry as a whole? Doesn’t he have something no one else has? His voice isn’t super unique and his singing isn’t the best in the world, but isn’t the sheer beauty of his soft, emotional voice, or his amazing versatility, or his insane adlibs and harmonies, memorable? Isn’t that what his voice is known for? Isn’t there something he’s better at than other vocalists, something no one else can replicate? Just like he does certain explosive, powerful parts in a choreo better than anyone else...

If the other BTS members have mastered something, then so has JK. He’s mastered being a performer - a performer is someone that can entertain in many ways, surprise an audience and hold their attention. JK is the center of BTS for a reason, and there are many things he does the best in BTS. 

On Reddit someone said JK has the least potential to be a unique performer because he’s mastered nothing, and they also added that he has no musical identity (because all of his songs are different, I guess). Is that criticism valid? First of all, he’s not a soloist; BTS have a musical identity, but of course JK’s isn’t super clear now. Second of all, BTS’s musical identity is never doing the same thing twice and always trying different things. Ironically, Jungkook is accused of having no musical identity for doing exactly that, but can’t that be his musical identity? (Also, his personal taste in music couldn’t be any clearer imo). 

TL; DR: Being good at a lot of things doesn’t mean you lack a unique skill set. JK’s unique skill set is being good at many things, which makes him an exceptional performer and entertainer. That’s what he has mastered. 

PS: Imo, his voice is pretty unique in many ways. In terms of tone, in the Western world his voice isn’t necessarily unique, but his skill level is much higher than that of other male singers which is why he stands out. In contrast, in Korea his skill level isn’t the most impressive, but his tone is unique, as his voice isn’t as high pitched or “powerful” as other famous vocalists’ voices are. Also, he has mastered singing in his own way - not in terms of technique, but rather in emotion, adaptability, and style. 

[anotheruselessblogpost]

No, you know what? Fuck you, you inconsiderate assholes! I take an hour fucking lunch because 1) boss approved and 2) I use it to fucking recharge and hopefully write. You cannot divvy out the motherfucking task and leave me the fucking largest piece you filthy ingrate.

Learn to be conscious of other people's situation you fucking bastards.

[anotheruselessblogpost]

No. You know what? Fuck this. Fuck this noise and everything associated with it.

My landlord - because the only thing I can do with my lousy income is rent - needs to be smacked.

I have been without an AC unit for a month now. And it's getting hotter. My roommate doesn't sleep well when it's hot and trying to counter the heat of the day by having windows open at night does shit when the place is so poorly insulated that the sun heats the fucking place up from the outside in without trying.

This same landlord wanted to repair said AC unit when the damn thing needed to be replaced 10 fucking years ago when they originally bought the place.

This place ain't ancient but it certainly needs work. The furnace is so old, it hums - night and day, on or off - loud enough that I can hear it from my bed 15 or so feet away. This ancient piece of inefficient machinery is literally just outside the bedrooms behind metal bi-folds. It is dangerous. If the damn thing breaks and starts leaking toxic gases, I'll be dead before I found my pets dead.

No, fuck this. This landlord ain't doing shit, hasn't done shit since we've have our lease and renewed our lease multiple times even after we have repeatedly informed said landlord that shit was not only in need of repairs but replacement as well.

On top of not doing shit for the property, said landlord is also increasing the rent by $350. It had gotten increased by $250 at the start of the current lease. No renovations, no upgrades or needed replacement of essential appliances of any sort, and no amenities whatsoever. And the landlord's doing it because "that's what everything for that size is going for

Fuck you, asshole. Fuck you.

~Useless

[anotheruselessblogpost]

Some times life is bullshit.

Oh, nothing bad happened, oh no. No, I just got back from a friend's birthday "party" - a friend I've known for roughly 6 years now - pissed, exhausted, and anxious. Not severely but enough that I'm buzzing and it's annoying.

See, here's the thing: I can't say I love my friend and their now fiancé, even though I've known both for the same amount of time. In fact, I don't think I ever did with my friend's fiancé. I care about both, yes, but my investment in seeing both of them has bout vanished. I don't see their fiancé ever and I rarely see my friend. Their fiancé hasn't changed much since we'd first met and my friend certainly hasn't.

I went over today and it was hard being around a family that is cruel to each other, to be around children that are restless and growing up among cruel family that, though they are never the target for the cruelty, are still exposed to it. Yes, I understand they are kids and kids are rambunctious, that adults are free to be cruel to each other as they see fit as long as things stay within reason. And I also know I'm sick and tired of all the hate and anger and violence this world currently has. Or, at least, the small world I live in.

I have no right to dictate how another lives and I'm not doing that now. I have an opinion of how things could be different and it means I can also choose to not expose myself to that kind of thing.

The only trouble with that is, I only have two friends to go to for company. Either the friend whose party I had just been to or to a friend who is happily married and in a caring relationship who is still cruel.

I have nowhere else to go, nowhere else to turn and I'm not ok with that. I have no friends that I trust enough to lean on, let alone feel comfortable around, and I don't know how to make new ones. What I like to do doesn't equate to interacting with others. I don't frequent places people hang because I don't like those places or my work keeps me from being able to go.

I'm really tired of being tired after being at a friend's house.

~Useless

[anotheruselessblogpost]

I like having a blog not properly attached to my main one. Mostly because I can talk about shit that’s bugging me without worrying someone I know seeing it and knowing it’s me.

Because I feel like a complete moron.

I read fanfic. It’s a rather common pastime a lot of folks on here do. Those of ya that don’t, feel free to continue reading but I don’t guarantee this’ll make any sense.

I’ve gotten the chance to speak to an author I follow on AO3 and I was thrown for a loop. That doesn’t happen to me, at least not often enough where I’m used to it. So, I did the idiotic babble for a good paragraph because I have yet to learn how not to before returning to the most normal that I am, which is surprisingly decent seeing as I’m not that normal.

It was going pretty well - paragraphs back and forth, long, hardy discussion - but then it hit a point that suddenly flared my insecurities.

I can’t call it anxiety even though it probably was because I don’t know if it was. I have nothing as a baseline to make such a call but whatever.

The conversation hit a point that appeared to be a touchy subject - and I say appeared because it was a text chat and I’m already horrible understanding the finer points of face-to-face conversations. I tried fixing it but I had nothing to rely on to know if I was correcting any misstep the conversation had taken.

And then their replies got really short.

Like, word count short.

They could have been distracted or doing something, I get it, but my broken ass self went right into “wrong”.

"You did wrong.“

"You did wrong and there is nothing you can do to fix it.”

And no matter what I told my brain, it remained focused on that one idea.

Now, the conversation ends well so I hadn’t fucked up royally but I still felt - and still feel - like I had been nothing more than a nuisance and another overenthusiastic fan.

Hooray for not being enough as a kid

~Useless