A note from 9th September
pass by parts of the thames that make me sick to my chest. i am learning that strangers cannot see through me with x ray vision. learning that my insides are NOT on the outside of my skin. there is a lot of death around me and a lot of life. one step forward but some days it feels two steps back. making candle castles on the dining table with melted wax. snooker table in the living room. rolled so many fat ones my eyeballs start to roll. sniffed a potion, call it liquid gold. ‘things will be great when you’re in hackney’. we laughed and said it was the most enthusiastic anyone had ever sounded about the place. but under moonlight it’s strangely charming. maybe because it’s dark. everything graffitied and tagged (even the inside of the warehouse homes). a communal effort at making the dystopia architecture puke that the government throw up to ruin cool places look like they actually have personality. the scummy river glows as it always does after the street lamps are on. one of the people who lived in the afters house said ‘i hate goodbyes’ when saying goodbye to his mate. she looked slightly amused and he said ‘no, i mean it. i really fucking do’. i knew exactly what he meant. and it kind of eats at me.
life is tripping me out again. as it often does.
when the going is good, i don’t notice the little sadist in my head jabbing at me with his pitchfork. but breathing air means paying a tax of emotional strain more often than not. chips away at my stress, eggshell cracks. i am strong and brave until i am exposed and tender. ‘you’re a selfish bastard’ the mental sadist speaks ‘you’re a selfish coward’. and i have ran out of the affirmations to turn the flames down. my brain fast forwards to the end of my life. some go with things all tied up (for the most part). but i know i will go with a million loose ends fraying. i wonder if everyone has this many loose ends themselves. i wonder if i say ‘i’ too much and it makes me sound selfish. i wonder if i’m overthinking all of this. i wonder if sleep will recede my aching head, or if it’s pathological.
