wc: 4.8k | pairing: long distance bf!anton x gf!reader | genre: ANGST, smut | warnings: lots of angst, yearning, and pining, lots of emotions, emotional conversations, emotional make up sex, p in v, unprotected sex
synopsis! this was a request ( @namedinwinter ) where anton is a loving long distance bf to yn, but they're both always yearning for the other. anton never wants to take it further than kissing out of his guilt of not being able to be there like he wants to for yn, but yn thinks the worst of this situation...
the nights always felt longer without him. you lay on your back, phone resting on your chest, watching anton’s face glow faintly on the screen. his hair was a little messy, his eyes half-lidded with fatigue, but he was still smiling at you like he couldn’t believe you were real.
“you’re tired,” you said softly, even though your own voice carried exhaustion.
he shook his head. “i just don’t want to hang up yet.”
there was always this small stretch of silence after he said things like that. it wasn’t heavy or awkward, just full of something unspoken—the wanting that hung between you both. you loved him, he loved you, and yet the miles between you pressed against your chest like a weight you couldn’t push off.
he told you about his day, small things that wouldn’t matter to anyone else: what he ate for lunch, the way the rain hit the practice room windows, the joke one of his friends made that he wished you had been there to laugh at too. you listened to every word like you were collecting them, storing them away for the nights you wouldn’t have him at all.
but even as you smiled, you felt that familiar hollow ache. love wasn’t the problem. the distance was. the way your bed always stayed cold on his side, the way you held your phone instead of his hand, the way you had to imagine his arms around you when you fell asleep.
he didn’t notice the way your smile faltered, too busy fighting sleep, eyes fluttering closed before he snapped them open again to look at you. “don’t go yet,” he mumbled, like a child refusing bedtime.
“i’m not going anywhere,” you whispered.
and you meant it. but the thought still pressed at the edges of your mind—how long could you really keep this up? how many more nights of distance, of phone screens instead of skin?
the melancholy lingered, quiet but steady, as you listened to his breathing on the other end. sometimes you closed your eyes and pretended he was beside you, close enough to touch, close enough to kiss. and when he finally was—when distance gave you a brief reprieve—the moments were fleeting, fragile things you tried to hold onto.
anton kissed you until his chest ached. your hands were clutching at his shirt, warm against his skin, and for a second, he thought he might lose himself in you completely.
but then the familiar weight settled in. the reminder that he wasn’t here enough, that he was about to leave again, that you spent more time waiting for him than actually with him.
anton pulled back, breath shaky, and forced a small smile. “sorry,” he whispered, brushing his thumb along your cheek as if he could erase the disappointment before it formed.
you only nodded, resting your head against his shoulder. you didn’t say it, but anton felt the tension in your body—the way you had been ready for more, the way you would never ask for it.
later, lying in bed beside you, he stared at the ceiling instead of sleeping. your breathing was steady, soft against his chest, but his thoughts spun relentlessly.
anton wanted you. he always did. every time he looked at you, his chest ached with it, a need that went beyond anything physical. but it felt selfish to ask for more when he already gave you so little.
anton thought about the nights you spent alone, holding a phone instead of him. he thought about the time he wasted in airports, in practice rooms, in hotel beds miles away from your warmth. what kind of boyfriend was he? what kind of man?
anton’s hand twitched where it rested on your arm, wanting to pull you closer, to give in. but his guilt stopped him. he had already taken so much from you—your patience, time, your constant reassurance that distance didn’t matter. he didn't deserve to take more.
so anton kissed the top of your head instead, as if that would be enough, and shut his eyes.
you would never know how often he lay awake like this, staring into the dark and wishing he were different. wishing he wasn’t the boy who left you behind more often than he held you. wishing he could be brave enough to tell you how much he needed you, in every way.
but instead, anton told himself the same lie he always did: that holding back was better. that not asking too much of you was a kind of love too.
still, the ache in anton’s chest didn’t ease. it only grew heavier, settling deep into him, until sleep finally took him under.
you watch him on the screen, the glow of his lamp casting soft shadows across his face, and for a moment, the ache in your chest dulls. you lean closer, resting your elbow on the bed and your chin in your palm, smiling at him like it’s nothing, though your heart is pounding.
“i got something,” you say, holding up a small, delicate package. his eyes flicker with curiosity. “you’re going to like it.”
he smiles, a little tight, a little hesitant. “oh?”
you pull it out slowly, letting him see the shape, teasing just enough to make him lean forward. “but… i haven’t tried it on yet. i want you to see it first.” your voice is softer now, and a quiet thrill coils through you at the thought of his reaction.
anton freezes. his cheeks flush pink, eyes widening just slightly, and he opens his mouth, then closes it again, fumbling for words. your pulse quickens—exactly what you wanted—but there’s also that tiny shadow at the edges of it, that hesitation that always lingers.
“you… you mean, now?” he stammers finally, his voice low, almost breathless.
you bite your lip, trying to keep your tone playful, but the tremor in your chest betrays you. “well… not really now,” you say, letting your words hover. “soon. just… imagine it, okay? imagine me in it, for you.”
his hands curl into fists at the edge of the desk, knuckles white, and his throat moves as he swallows. “i… i do,” he murmurs, barely audible, and then his gaze drops. the flush in his ears deepens, and he glances away, like he can’t meet you head-on.
you laugh softly, a little breathless, trying to shake off the disappointment crawling through you. it was supposed to be fun, meant to draw him out, make him want you like you wanted him. but instead… it’s a timid reaction, careful, restrained, and it leaves a hollow ache in your chest that mirrors the distance you feel even now.
he’s blushing, he’s flustered, he’s clearly affected by you. but it isn’t enough. it’s never quite enough, and your mind spins with the same persistent doubt: does he miss you the way you miss him? does he want you as much as you want him?
“anton?” you ask softly, tilting your head. he meets your eyes for a moment, and the sight of him—shy, vulnerable, longing—should be enough. but your chest tightens, and the melancholy hums through you like a song you can’t remember the lyrics to.
“yeah?” he whispers, voice tentative, fragile.
“i just… i can’t wait to see you,” you say, trying to hide the edge of longing that sharpens the words. “soon.”
he nods, swallow hard. his lips twitch into the ghost of a smile, but his eyes carry the weight of everything unspoken—the guilt, the restraint, the fear that he’ll never be enough for you.
you end the call soon after, leaving the screen dark, the room quiet. you lie back against the pillow and let your hands fall to your sides, thinking about how much you want him, how much you ache for him, and how sometimes, even love isn’t enough to fill the distance.
and somewhere, miles away, anton stares at the ceiling again, restless, wishing he could close the space between you—if only for a night, if only to prove you that he does, in fact, want you more than anything.
the memory of the facetime call from last night gnaws at you, sweet and frustrating all at once. the blush on his cheeks, the shy stammering, the way he turned away—it should have been intoxicating, proof of his yearning. but instead it leaves a hollow ache that spreads through your chest, heavy and gray. you wonder if he really misses you, if he wants you the way you want him.
your fingers linger on the set you bought for him, tucked in the drawer. you imagined wearing it for him, imagined the way he might react, imagined the way he might need you as much as you need him. but now, the thought only makes the pit in your stomach grow deeper. maybe he wouldn’t feel it the way you do.
so you leave it untouched, slipping it back into the drawer. today he’s coming, and the thought of him makes your chest both ache and constrict, but you don’t want to tempt disappointment. you don’t want to give him anything to misunderstand—or worse, for him to not respond the way your heart hopes he will.
the air smells damp, faintly of asphalt and something distant you can’t quite name. it presses against your skin, heavy and still, as though the world has slowed just enough to hold its breath. the hours stretch, gray and slow, like the rain outside has seeped inside and softened the edges of everything. your mind circles, turning over memories and half-formed fears, until you barely notice the knocks at the door.
he’s there, drenched slightly, the edges of his hair sticking to his forehead, eyes bright with something you can’t immediately read. he smells like rain and him, and it makes your chest ache.
“i missed you so much,” he says, closing the distance in one quick step and wrapping you in his arms. you feel the warmth, the pressure, the desperation in the hug—everything you’ve been craving for weeks.
but something in you hesitates. you stay still, letting him hold you, but you don’t curl into him like you always do. you keep your hands at your sides, and when he tightens his hold, it only makes the hollow ache in your chest feel heavier.
“i missed you too,” you say softly, and the words feel small, almost empty, even as your throat tightens. you close the door behind him slowly, the dampness of the apartment curling around both of you like a muted fog. the familiar scent of rain clinging to his coat, mingling with his cologne, should feel comforting—and yet it only reminds you how far apart you’ve been, how much space still exists between the two of you even when he’s finally here.
normally, you would move with him into the bedroom, brushing around his bags, sliding behind him to wrap your arms around him from behind as he set them down. the gesture was automatic, comforting, a rhythm you shared without thought. today, though, you linger in the doorway, your fingers pressed lightly against the frame, anchoring yourself. you feel unsteady, as if stepping fully toward him might collapse something fragile inside you.
anton’s steps slow as he notices your hesitation. his eyes search yours, cautious and gentle, tracing the tension in your shoulders, the subtle stiffness in your posture. the apartment is quiet, save for the distant patter of rain on the windows, and in that quiet, the air between you feels almost tangible—heavy, hesitant, as if it could solidify into something unmovable if either of you made the wrong gesture.
he tilts his head slightly, a question forming in his eyes, but it remains unspoken, hovering in the gray light. he takes a careful step closer, measuring, as if approaching too fast might shatter the fragile calm you both cling to.
you inhale shakily, closing your eyes for a moment, trying to steady your racing heart. the weight of your uncertainty presses down like a quiet storm, and your chest aches in the way it always does when longing collides with doubt.
when you finally open your eyes, anton is fully turned toward you, his expression a mixture of longing and worry, soft and hesitant. the concern in his gaze digs into you, and your chest tightens even more, because you know he can sense that something is off—that the gray tension is yours and his fault all at once.
he doesn’t speak yet, doesn’t step closer, but the quiet intensity of him there, waiting for you to bridge the gap, makes your breath catch. the room feels suspended, holding its breath with you both, waiting for the first word, the first move, to break the silence.
you take a shaky breath, and for a moment the silence stretches between you like a living thing. anton shifts slightly, hands hanging at his sides, eyes never leaving yours. the rain outside drums softly against the windows, a rhythm that seems to echo the tight, anxious beat of your heart.
“i… i think we should take a break,” you whisper, barely audible even to yourself. the words feel foreign on your tongue, heavy and wet, like something you shouldn’t be saying. you keep your eyes closed, hoping that somehow they’ll carry less weight if you can’t see his reaction.
anton freezes, and the shift in him is immediate. his chest tightens, and you can see the moment his mind races, trying to catch the meaning behind your words before it lands fully. the weight of fear settles in his gaze, that same fear he’s always carried—that he’s not enough, that he’s failing you even when he’s trying his hardest.
“why?” his voice cracks, small, fragile, desperate. “is it something i did?”
you hear the tremor, and it twists something deeper in your chest. your eyelids flutter, but you keep them closed, letting the tears come freely now. you can’t stop them. the dam you’ve been holding back for weeks breaks at once, spilling everything you’ve been holding inside.
“do… do you not love me anymore?” he asks, voice shaking as he steps closer, reaching for you but hesitating. every movement is careful, hesitant, as though the wrong gesture might push you farther away instead of closer.
you shake your head, letting the tears fall freely. “no,” you whisper through sobs, voice cracking. “i love you so much. i love you more than anything.”
but saying it doesn’t stop the ache. it doesn’t erase the fear you’ve carried: the gnawing thought that he doesn’t feel it as fiercely as you do, the quiet doubt that maybe his love isn’t enough to keep you whole across the distance.
anton’s hand brushes yours, tentative, almost as if testing whether you’ll pull away. when you don’t, he moves it gently, cupping your cheek, thumb stroking along the curve as he leans in slightly. his own tears streak down his face now, unrestrained, betraying the guilt that’s been his constant companion—the fear that he’s a bad boyfriend, that he’s not giving you enough of himself.
“then… what’s the matter?” he whispers, voice raw and urgent. “what’s wrong? how can i fix this?”
you tilt your head into his touch, pressing your palm against his chest as if to anchor yourself. your tears soak his shirt, but you don’t care. you can’t stop the sobs, can’t stop the tightness in your chest. “it’s… it’s the distance. and… i think about… about you holding back, about how you never… never take more of me when you could. and it makes me feel like… like you don’t want me the way i want you.”
anton’s lips part, and he shakes his head, his own chest trembling. “no,” he says quickly, almost desperate. “i… i do. i want you. more than anything. i just… i think i’m not… good enough. i think i’m taking too much from you already, and i…” he swallows hard, voice catching. “…i don’t want to hurt you.”
the words cut through the gray tension, sharp but honest, and you press your forehead to his chest, letting your body lean into him as your walls crumble completely. he wraps his arms around you tightly, as though he can physically hold the ache away, and you cling to him just as fiercely.
“i don’t want you to think i don’t want you,” he murmurs, voice muffled against your hair. “i need you… more than anything.”
you let out a shaky laugh between sobs, burying your face against him. “then… then don’t hold back anymore,” you whisper. “please.”
you feel him tilt his head down, brushing his lips against the top of your hair, over your temple, down your cheek. every touch is deliberate, hesitant, like he’s memorizing you all over again, imprinting you into his memory after months apart. your fingers tighten in his hair, nails grazing the scalp, anchoring yourself to him, to this fragile, trembling reality.
he shifts slightly, hands sliding down to your waist, holding you close but careful, almost afraid to claim more than what you’ve given willingly. and in that carefulness, in that restraint, the ache in your chest twists—a mixture of longing, frustration, and relief. relief that he’s here, frustration that he can’t let go entirely, longing that makes your lips tremble as you press them into his chest.
“i’ve missed this,” he murmurs, voice low, almost broken. “i’ve missed you. all of you.”
you tilt your head up to look at him, tears still clinging to your lashes, and the sight of him—flushed, hair damp from the rain, eyes shimmering with the same grief and need that lives in your own chest—makes your heart squeeze painfully. “i’ve missed you too,” you whisper, but the words feel like they’ll never capture the depth of everything inside you.
he presses his forehead to yours, breath mingling, and finally, you feel the first thread of permission to let go. his hands move just a little lower, fingertips tracing over the curve of your hips, tentative but intentional, as if asking for consent in every movement. you nod slightly, leaning into him, giving yourself entirely to the moment, to the warmth, to the ache dissolving in the closeness.
the gray stillness of the apartment—the damp, the rain, the lingering hesitation—begins to soften around you. your lips brush his again, this time slower, deeper, tasting the months apart, tasting relief and need and love all at once. his hands move with growing confidence now, gathering you closer, and you let out a soft moan, the sound trembling and raw, echoing the release that’s been building inside for weeks.
he lifts you gently, pressing your body against his, and you wrap your arms around his neck, letting him carry you toward the bed. each step is heavy with desire and tenderness, each movement a careful balancing act between restraint and urgency. you feel the tremor in his chest through your palms, and it mirrors your own heartbeat, rapid and uneven.
when he finally lays you down, hovering above you, the grayness that clung to the edges of the room still hums softly in the background, but it no longer presses in. the rain’s patter against the windows becomes a rhythm, a quiet accompaniment to the intimacy unraveling between you.
his lips meet yours again, more urgently this time, and you let yourself answer in kind. hands trace arms, shoulders, and finally the curve of his back, memorizing, claiming, giving in. the months of longing, the ache of distance, the quiet doubts—they all melt into this single, trembling closeness.
and as he holds you, as you press into him, you realize that even through distance, through restraint, through everything that felt gray and heavy, the tether between you hasn’t broken. it’s stronger, rawer, and now tangible, warming the spaces that have felt cold for too long.
you let out a shuddering sigh, forehead pressed to his chest again, and in that quiet, intimate heartbeat, you understand: even across miles, even across months of restraint, even across gray hesitation, the two of you are still here, still aching for one another, still irrevocably tethered.
anton hovers above you, eyes dark, lips slightly parted, hands trembling even as they hover near your shoulders. the weight of longing in him makes your chest tighten; you can feel how badly he wants you, and it makes your own need flare sharper.
slowly, deliberately, you let your fingers trace the line of his jaw, tilt his head toward you. “anton,” you whisper, voice husky, “please…”
he nods, barely, as if your permission is a tether keeping him from collapsing under the weight of desire. his hands move cautiously, but each motion is filled with reverence. he slides the straps of your top down your shoulders, lingering on the warmth of your skin, pausing to press a feather-light kiss where the fabric falls away. every motion is careful, almost worshipful, as if he’s memorizing you in fragments before he can claim you fully.
you shiver under his touch, letting him guide you, letting the slow unraveling of clothing be part of the surrender. when your bra falls away, his hands cup you gently, thumbs brushing over the sensitive skin, and you arch into him, letting out a soft breathless sound. your fingers thread into his hair, tangling slightly, anchoring yourself to him as he leans closer.
anton hesitates for a heartbeat, glancing down at you, lips pressed together in that familiar mixture of shyness and want. then, slowly, he lifts his own shirt over his head, revealing the taut lines of his abdomen, the muscles you’ve memorized from pictures and fleeting glimpses. instinctively, your hand slides down over him, tracing the curve of his stomach, feeling him in a way that has nothing to do with distance or hesitation.
his lips find your bare chest, soft and reverent at first, and you tilt your head back, fingers threading through his hair as your other hand roams across his back, over the ridges of muscle, pressing, tracing, squeezing gently at his biceps. he moans softly into you, shaky, the sound vibrating through your chest. every tremor in him echoes the same tremor you feel in yourself.
“i’ve wanted this,” he murmurs against your skin, voice breaking, “so much… you don’t know…”
you grip his shoulders lightly, drawing him closer, letting him feel the weight of your need as clearly as he feels his own. your lips brush against his jaw, your forehead against his temple, and every sigh, every touch, every whispered word carries the months of distance, the quiet ache, the longing that neither of you could release until now.
his hands roam, slow and deliberate, memorizing the feel of you, mapping every curve, every hollow, every tremble that answers him in kind. the intimacy is slow, deliberate—more than desire, more than lust. it is confession, release, recognition of the ache you’ve carried apart from each other, now surrendered entirely in the quiet gray room.
you tilt your head back again as he kisses up your torso, letting your hands trail down his back, squeezing gently at the breadth of his shoulders, the strength you’ve imagined in your solitude, now tangible beneath your touch. he trembles against you, shivering, and you let your own body mirror him, fingers tracing the muscles, hands clenching, soft gasps breaking past your lips.
your hand drifts down, brushing against his, and you guide him deliberately, pressing his fingers where you need him most. your voice is soft, tremulous, carrying all the ache you’ve been holding back. “it’s all for you,” you whisper, “everything… for you.”
his groan vibrates against your chest, low and raw, and you feel the heat of him pressing against you. your hand traces over the outline of his length through his pants, feeling the undeniable hardness, the proof of how badly he wants you, how badly he’s needed you all along.
“you can go ahead,” you coo, breathless, tilting your head to meet his gaze. your lips curve into a small, shaky smile, and your voice softens, coaxing: “i’ve been ready for you.”
his eyes darken, longing and relief mingling, and he doesn’t hesitate. the slow, deliberate care in which he moves mirrors everything you’ve been waiting for—every restrained touch, every shared moment of absence now unleashed in full.
when he enters you, it’s slow and careful. each movement is deliberate, almost sacred, giving both of you time to adjust, to feel, to acknowledge the months of longing, the ache of absence, and the quiet hunger that has been building between you.
“i… i love you,” he murmurs, breathless, voice breaking slightly as he moves. “so much. i’m sorry i’ve made you wait.”
your chest tightens, and you tilt your head up to press your lips against his shoulder. “i love you too,” you whisper back, voice trembling. “i’m yours… forever.”
he groans softly, and the sound vibrates through both of you. “forever… i’ve wanted this forever,” he says, each word heavy with need and confession.
you wrap your arms around his neck, legs curling instinctively around him, anchoring yourself to him, letting him feel your need just as clearly as you feel his. “anton… i’m yours too,” you murmur into the crook of his neck. “all of me. always.”
his hands move along your body, slow and reverent, memorizing the curves and hollows, every inch, every shiver and sigh. “you’re mine,” he whispers, pressing you closer.
you tremble under his touch, letting out soft moans that mix with the wet sound of him moving inside you. “i forgive you,” you say, voice shaky but certain. his lips press against your shoulder, nuzzling, and he groans again. your hands thread through his hair, down his back, clutching at him as if you could anchor yourself entirely in him, letting go of everything that has kept you restrained.
and when he finally collapses against you, forehead pressed to yours, arms wrapped tightly, both of you shivering and spent, the gray has finally lifted. only warmth remains—tethered warmth, solid and real, the proof that even distance, restraint, and longing could never diminish the bond between you.
the rain has softened outside, the patter against the windows now a gentle rhythm, a background to the warmth that fills the apartment. anton lies beside you, one arm draped over your waist, the other tangled in your hair, holding you close as if he’s afraid you might slip away again.
you nuzzle against his chest, listening to the steady beat of his heart, and a soft laugh escapes you. “you’re warm,” you murmur, voice still husky from everything, “and heavy… and perfect.”
anton groans, pretending to scowl, but the corners of his mouth twitch into a grin. “and yours,” he teases, fingers brushing along your back. “always yours, right?”
“always,” you whisper, smiling into him, tilting your head up to press your lips to his collarbone. “my toni,” you murmur softly, a playful lilt in your tone that makes his chest tighten in delight.
“hey,” he chuckles, lifting his head just enough to look down at you, eyes glittering. “did you just call me that? your toni?”
you nod, biting your lip slightly, eyes sparkling. “yeah… i like it. sounds cute, don’t you think?”
anton shakes his head, laughing softly, shaking off the intensity of the earlier moments. “cute,” he murmurs, voice low, almost teasing. “cute and mine.” he presses a kiss to your temple, then another to your cheek. “so… can i see you in that new set later?”
your cheeks flush at the mention, and you nuzzle against him again, tugging at the waistband of his sweatpants playfully. “maybe,” you whisper, voice teasing. “but only if you promise to behave until then.”
he pretends to gasp, mock-offended, before pulling you closer. “behave? me? impossible,” he murmurs, voice low, warm, teasing. “but… i can try… for you.”
you laugh softly, curling against him, letting your fingers trace idle patterns along his chest and shoulders. “i think you’ll try really hard,” you tease, “and then probably fail spectacularly.”
anton presses a soft kiss to your forehead, humming against your hair. he brushes a strand of hair from your face, voice soft, teasing, and full of affection. “you know, toni’s very happy you’re here. and he can’t wait to see more of you later…”
you giggle, rolling your eyes playfully, “you mean toni can’t wait to get into trouble with me?”
“exactly,” he murmurs, pressing another kiss to your temple, pulling you impossibly close. “but only with you. always only with you.”
riize m.list
a/n! hii i hope you enjoyed this angsty, very romantic, very yearning fic for toni. and thank u for the request, it was right up my alley :D
⟶ summary: in english 102 you were asked to write a letter to the future; you wrote to yourself while anton wrote to you. two years after graduation the letters return but you’re too late to be eighteen and too late to start again.
˗ˏˋpairing: nyu student!anton x f!reader
❀ genre: slow burn, friends to lovers, miscommunication trope + situationship
❀ word count: 20.8k
❀ staring: manon (18-24)- katseye, anton (18-23) + sohee (18-24)- riize, jake (25)- enhypen.
⟶ warnings: swearing, emotional cheating (present timeline), jealousy/possessiveness, miscommunication, ambiguous relationship dynamics (situationship), implied sexual content, consumption of alcohol, toxic relationship dynamic, angst, unresolved tension, “right person, wrong time,” open ending. please let me know if i’ve missed anything!
✎୭: this was so fun to write! started it last year around christmas then lost the drive but so glad i picked it back up!! i recommend listening to: before you leave me by alex warren, yard sale by alex warren, i'll be waiting by cian ducrot choir version (fun fact, this is the song that inspired this fic), phases by pretty much and this city by sam fischer. enjoy my butterflies <3
NYU freshman year
You don’t think you’ll ever forget the day you met Anton Lee.
The way he smiled as he steadied the side of your bookshelf while you fumbled with the screws. The way he pointed to the stack of novels still waiting in their box and asked you a million and one questions about each and every one of them: why you owned them, what they were about, which ones you loved and which ones you thought to be overrated. He didn’t even seem to notice that you were sweating from the effort of screwing in the nails, too caught up in listening to your rambling answers to help steady the bookshelf.
It was move-in weekend. Your parents had driven away the night before, leaving you with swollen eyes and a lump in your throat while your roommate Manon laughed at you all night for crying. She called you a baby and said you’d survive but truth is, survival didn’t feel possible until two mornings later when Anton and his roommate Sohee came knocking on your door.
They came bearing gifts: bagels and watery hot chocolate stolen from the dining hall. “We saw you moving in,” Anton had explained quickly, voice tumbling over itself. “Thought maybe you could use some help.”
Then Sohee, grinning, lifted the plate in his hands and added, “Plus, we saw you at the frat party last night. Figured you’d need food.”
Manon gasped like they were saviors then shoved you aside to grab the first bagel and announced right then and there that the four of you were friends now. You could only laugh, stepping back to let them in, not realizing you’d just opened the door to the rest of your life.
From that morning on, the four of you were impossible to untangle. What was meant to be a favor quickly became a habit; Anton and Sohee were always at your door and Manon always let them in.
Friday nights meant football games where you painted your faces in sloppy stripes and screamed yourselves raw from the bleachers, even though you didn’t understand half the rules, just that your school was winning and that was enough.
Saturdays were for swim meets with posters in hand watching Anton slice through the water and touch the wall first every single time. His cheeks always burned when you swore he’d be captain next year, shrugging off the praise even as pride bloomed in his chest.
Sohee had his concerts. The three of you filed into the auditorium with flowers clutched tight, screaming every time he had a solo until the choir director threatened to throw you out. You would struggle to keep in your laughs for the rest of the night.
And then there was ballet (Manon’s bright idea), an elective she convinced you to take, neglecting to mention you’d be performing on stage three times that semester but Anton and Sohee showed up anyway, front row with phones raised high, clapping politely like you were professionals. Without fail, they always took you and Manon out to dinner afterward because they knew how hungry you’d be.
When November came around and the semester started to come to a close, you pushed tables together in the dorm lounge for Friendsgiving, each of you bringing something from home. Anton and Sohee taught you about their Korean traditions, Manon brought a mix of her Ghanaian and Swiss dishes and you explained yours between laughter while food was passed around. It felt like home.
They felt like home.
By December there was a tiny Christmas tree you and Anton decorated while Manon and Sohee strung lights around your room. You exchanged cheap gifts wrapped in too much tape and cards scribbled with words that mattered more than the presents themselves. When you all went away for the holidays, you kept in touch, making plans for what the spring semester would hold.
When spring finally rolled around, it didn’t feel quite as terrifying as fall had. New York was no longer something you were surviving but somewhere you were beginning to belong to.
You built your schedules together over late-night takeout the first week, promising to meet for lunch between classes and somehow you all ended up in the same section of English 102.
You were the only one who treated it like it mattered, you figured it was the English major in you. Manon used it as an extra hour of watching shows, Sohee half the time scribbled choreography notes in the margins or finished homework for music theory and to give Anton credit, he at least paid attention…even if you sometimes caught him doodling staff lines in the corners of his notebook.
It was a small class, tucked into one of the older buildings and the professor had a habit of asking open-ended questions that usually went unanswered but you liked her. She had a soft spot for fiction and a drawer full of chocolate she passed around during presentations.
The second semester moved faster than the first. There were fewer homesick nights and more impromptu trips to Chinatown; more movie nights in the dorm lounge with popcorn that always burned; more inside jokes scribbled onto whiteboards in the dorm halls; more of Anton sitting cross-legged on your bed with his guitar asking you to read his lyrics out loud just to hear how they sounded coming from someone else.
It’s the last week of classes and Sohee and Manon both opted to skip, completely over the school year while you decided to go, Anton tagged along so you wouldn’t be alone. The classroom is only half full and students are lounging around studying for their last finals.
You’re in the front row with Anton beside you, passing the time with a game of tic-tac-toe in the margin of his notebook until your professor claps her hands together. “Alright,” she calls, smiling at the groans she knows are coming. “Time to go over your last assignment of the semester and don’t worry, it’s not an essay.”
She reaches for a stack on her desk and lifts a small box of envelopes. “I want you all to write a letter. It can be to yourself, to a classmate, to anyone who’s made an impression on you during your freshman year. Seal it up, give it to me and I’ll send them back to you…two years after you graduate.”
You pout at the catch, two years? You glance at Anton expecting a joke but he’s sitting unusually still. His pencil, the one he always chews on, is balanced between his fingers frozen mid-tap against his notebook. You nudge him. “Earth to Anton?”
He blinks out of whatever world he drifted into and awkwardly laughs. “Yeah? Sorry…just thinking about who to write to.”
“Yourself,” you say easily, already reaching for the envelope your professor is passing down the row.
He hums noncommittingly and reaches for an envelope, turning it over in his hands slowly.
You don’t waste time and start writing immediately. You sign and date the corner of your lined paper and start spilling little pieces of who you think you’ll become. You ask future-you about the bestseller you hope you’ll write, ask if you officially move to New York, you add a line about Manon wondering if the two of you really commit to living together postgrad. Then you steal a peak at Anton who still seems to be lost in thought before hesitantly writing: I hope we stay close.
You don’t think much of it, it’s a throwaway sentiment. When you finish, you look up and see Anton still hasn’t written a single word. His notebook is blank, still untouched almost like he’s afraid to write.
“You okay?” you whisper.
He startles again. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m—I’m fine.”
He clears his throat, flips open his notebook and finally starts writing but not in his usual messy handwriting, rather slower and neater. You can’t see a single line of what he writes and you don’t try to. It feels…private.
When the lecture is over, your professor calls out. “Alright, pass them forward!”
You lick your envelope, seal it closed and hand it off. Anton hesitates for a moment before sealing his and slides it into the pile with everyone else’s. As you pack your bag, you say, “Kinda weird to think we’ll get these back in what…five years?”
He hums softly. “Feels so far.”
You don’t notice the way he looks at the envelopes as your professor tucks the box under her arm. You don’t notice the way his fingers flex like he’s itching to pull his back out. Once you make it outside Anton bumps your shoulder playfully as you walk. “Lunch?” he asks.
You smile and loop arms with him. “Obviously.”
You don’t think about the letters again.
Present Day
“Happy birthday to you~”
You stir awake to the faint sound of someone humming low and off-key in your ear. For a split second, you think it’s Manon, already back from whatever glamorous event she’s working in Paris this week but when you blink your eyes open, it’s your boyfriend Jake sitting at the edge of your bed, hair messy, still shirtless and holding a cupcake with a crooked candle stuck in the middle.
“Happy birthday to you…” he sings softly, dragging out the tune like he’s trying not to laugh at himself. When you groan and drag the blanket over your head, he nudges your leg gently with his knee. “Nope. Come on, you have to listen.”
You groan and roll onto your back covering your eyes with both hands. “Jake, it’s too early for this.”
“It’s nine,” he says through a laugh before going back to singing.
You peek at him between your fingers and see his proud smile and you don’t have the heart to argue. When he finishes, he leans over to kiss your forehead then whispers, “Happy birthday, pretty girl,” before offering you the cupcake.
You sit up, eyes still heavy with sleep, hair a mess and voice rough. “Where’d you even get a cupcake?”
He tilts his head towards your door “Bodega downstairs. I told them it was your birthday and he insisted on giving me the biggest one.”
You smile despite yourself and bite into the cupcake. A few crumbs fall causing Jake to brush crumbs from the corner of your mouth with his thumb. There’s something so intimate about it you glance away for a second, suddenly aware of the quiet apartment around you. Manon’s job as a social media coordinator for a global beauty brand has her in Europe more often than in the apartment you’ve shared since graduation. You barely see her these days except for late-night FaceTimes and the rare occasions when she’s home.
And Jake…well, Jake has slowly filled the leftover space.
You met him last spring at a mutual friend’s housewarming party; soft-spoken, polite, a little awkward but in a cute way. He works in Manhattan as a business analyst, wears button-downs even on weekends and chips in towards your rent on months you’re behind. He’s the kind of guy your parents hoped you end up with.
“So,” he says, settling beside you, his knee bumping yours. “What does the birthday girl want to do today?”
You shrug. “I work today, remember? Manuscript review.”
He frowns. “Are they seriously making you work on your birthday?”
“That’s the life of an editorial assistant,” you joke, nudging him. “Also, I really don’t mind. It’s kind of relaxing.”
He doesn’t look convinced but he wraps an arm around your shoulders anyway, pulling you into his side. You let yourself fall against him, warm and comfortable, your cheek resting on his chest. Your life isn’t perfect, you’re two years out of graduation, living with a best friend who’s never home, working a job that’s adjacent to the dreams you once wished on stars for but it’s safe and Jake has become part of that.
He kisses the top of your head. “Well, my parents want to take us out tonight. They reserved that Italian place you love downtown. They’re excited to celebrate with you.”
Your stomach flips. Jake’s parents adore you, they treat you like you’re already part of the family. His mother meal preps for you and his father forwards you articles about “the best books to read in your twenties,” because he thought you’d appreciate it as an aspiring author.
It should make you happy but somewhere in the back of your mind, a tiny voice reminds you of a ghost from your past, someone you thought would be your forever. You shove the thought away. Jake is watching you, fingers still drawing circles on your knee, waiting for your reaction. You force a smile. “That sounds…nice.”
He beams at you. “Great! The reservation is for six pm.”
Jake takes your plate from you and sets it aside on your nightstand before crawling back toward you on the bed, his knee sinking into the mattress beside your hip.
“You know,” he murmurs, brushing your cheek gingerly, “you look really, really beautiful right now.”
You huff a sleepy laugh. “I look like a raccoon.”
He dips down to kiss the tip of your nose. “A beautiful raccoon.”
You swat his chest but he only laughs, leaning in to kiss you properly this time. His lips move against yours with a fervour that leaves you breathless. His hand slides to the back of your head, his thumb grazing the curve of your jaw as his ring presses coolly against your skin. You gasp and he takes the opportunity to deepen the kiss.
“____,” he groans against your lips, his voice filled with need.
You nod, your fingers tangling in his hair, pulling him closer. He pulls back just barely, lips brushing yours as he whispers, “Let me spoil you today.”
“Jake…” you start but he kisses the rest of your sentence away, smiling against your mouth.
His hands trail down your sides, fingertips tracing lazy lines over your hips. You shiver and he notices. “Come here,” he breathes, shifting suddenly. Before you can question it, his arms scoop under your thighs and back, lifting you effortlessly off the bed. You gasp, arms flying around his shoulders. “Jake!”
“What?” he teases, carrying you toward the bathroom with ridiculous ease.
“Put me down!”
He laughs and shakes his head. “No.”
You try to glare at him but it’s impossible when he’s looking at you like this: totally in love. He nudges the bathroom door open with his foot, sets you gently against the counter and presses another kiss to your forehead. “Shower with me?”
His fingers toy with the hem of your sleep shirt, waiting for your answer. You breathe out a tiny laugh. “Are you trying to make us both late?”
He smirks. “Maybe.”
“Well…” you slide your arms around his neck, pulling him closer, “I guess we can be a little late.”
His grin turns boyish and triumphant. “Have I ever told you I love you?”
You laugh in response as he turns on the water, steam already curling through the room. You kiss him again, slow, sweet and a little dizzying. He smiles into it, hands tightening at your hips. For a few minutes, nothing exists except the heat of the room, his lips on yours and the familiar comfort of being held exactly how you want to be held. Eventually, he pulls back, brushing a thumb along your jaw one last time. “Okay,” he breathes, trying and failing to look composed, “we should actually get ready now.”
You nod but neither of you move until he leans in for one more soft kiss, barely a brush of lips, gentle enough to make your chest tighten. The two of you take turns washing the other off before exiting the shower to finish getting ready.
You brush your teeth beside him while he wipes steam from the mirror. It’s a familiar routine: him toweling off his hair while you lean over the counter to apply moisturizer. His overnight bag sits in the corner, small and a little pathetic-looking, holding only a few shirts and a toothbrush. He’s mentioned wanting a drawer here more than once, half-joking, half-hopeful. You always deflect with something logical like, “You don’t sleep over enough,” and he laughs it off but the truth sits heavy in your chest even now.
The last person who ever had space in your dresser…the last person whose hoodies lived on your chair, whose shirts were folded next to yours, whose medals hung on your desk when his dorm ran out of space…
You shut the thought down before it forms completely.
Jake buttons his shirt next to you, humming softly as he tucks it into his slacks and you force your heartbeat back into the present. “You look beautiful,” he says, straightening your collar with both hands and kissing your cheek. “Ready?”
You nod, stepping into your shoes while he slings his bag over his shoulder. A moment later, he takes your hand gently, squeezing once and the two of you head out the door together.
By the time you make it to the office, the day slips into its usual rhythm. You spend most of the afternoon hunched over your desk, flipping pages and scribbling notes in the quiet hum of the office. It’s not glamorous, not what you used to imagine when you thought about becoming a writer but it’s close enough to feel like you’re still reaching for it. Close enough to keep you here.
At some point, your coworker swings by with a quick, “Happy birthday,” dropping a mini chocolate bar onto your desk before disappearing again. You thank her, a little surprised, turning it over in your fingers before setting it aside.
You check your phone more than you mean to.
A text from Manon, some blurry photo from a rooftop in Paris, miss you, birthday girl!!! followed by a string of hearts.
Another from Jake: Can’t wait for tonight. What kind of cake do you like?
You purse your lips at the question before typing something back but your fingers hover for a second longer than they should before you lock your phone and flip back to the manuscript in front of you.
By the time five o’clock rolls around, you’re gathering your things, slipping your notebook into your bag, the weight of the day settling into your bones. The city greets you with its usual hum: taxis blaring, people rushing, the air thick with late afternoon heat as you make your way down into the subway.
The train ride home is familiar. You stand wedged between strangers, one hand wrapped around the pole as the car lurches forward. You watch your reflection flicker in the window between stops, your mind drifting in and out of nothingness.
By the time you step back into your apartment, the silence greets you again. You move through it easily, showering quickly, changing into something nicer, smoothing out the details until you look like someone who has her life exactly where it’s supposed to be.
At exactly six, your phone buzzes.
jake <3: I’m outside.
You grab your bag, take one last look at yourself in the mirror then head downstairs. Jake is leaning against his car when you step out, a bouquet of flowers in one hand. He straightens the second he sees you, his entire face lighting up. “Wow,” he breathes. “You look…wow.”
You laugh, walking toward him. “Hi.”
“Hi,” he echoes, stepping forward to kiss you softly before handing you the flowers. “Happy birthday.”
“They’re beautiful,” you say, genuinely touched as you bring them closer.
“Wait,” he says quickly, reaching into his pocket. “I have one more thing.”
You blink as he pulls out a small, familiar red box. Your stomach dips slightly. “Jake…”
“Just open it,” he insists, smiling.
You hesitate for half a second before flipping it open. Inside sits a delicate gold Cartier bracelet, the light catching against it in a way that makes it sparkle. It’s beautiful no doubt about it but also unmistakably expensive.
For a moment, you don’t say anything. “Do you like it?” he asks, watching your face carefully.
You blink, forcing yourself back into the moment. “Yeah! Yeah, it’s…it’s really beautiful.”
“I saw it and thought of you, something you could wear every day.” He says, stepping closer. “Here, let me.” He adds gently, taking it from the box. “
You hold out your wrist and he fastens it carefully, his fingers brushing your skin as he adjusts it into place. He beams, clearly satisfied, pressing a quick kiss to your temple before opening the passenger door for you. “Come on. We’ll be late.”
Dinner goes by smoothly.
His parents greet you like they always do, his mother pulling you into a hug, his father smiling warmly as he asks about work, about writing, about everything you’ve been up to. The restaurant glows softly around you, low lights and quiet chatter filling the space as wine is poured and plates are passed. Conversation flows naturally. You laugh when you’re supposed to, answer questions easily, slip into the rhythm of it all like you’ve done this a hundred times before.
And then—
“Well, I was just telling Jake the other day…it won’t be long before we’re celebrating something even bigger, will it?” His mother says, setting her glass down with a small smile, her eyes flicking between the two of you.
Your hand stills in his and Jake lets out a small, awkward laugh. “Mom…”
“What? You two are so good together. Anyone can see that.” She says lightly.
His father chuckles. “Don’t mind her, she’s still upset that your brother eloped.” He turns to face you, “you’re already part of the family, hun.”
You nod automatically, the word family settling somewhere in your chest in a way that feels heavier than it should. “That’s sweet,” you say.
Jake squeezes your hand under the table in reassurance, like this is something good…something to be happy about and it is, it should be.
This is what people want, isn’t it? Warm dinners, parents who already look at you like you belong. A boyfriend who plans ahead, who shows up early with flowers and expensive gifts.
You used to think you wanted this. You still think you do. So why does it feel like you’re sitting just slightly outside of your own life, watching it happen instead of fully living it? You smile when Jake’s mom asks you another question, nodding along, answering without really hearing yourself. The conversation flows around you but your thoughts have already drifted somewhere quieter, somewhere harder to look at.
This isn’t how you imagined twenty-three.
You thought it would be louder, messier. Late nights that bled into early mornings, candles stuck into a store-bought cake at midnight because someone forgot to plan ahead. You thought there would be party-city decorations taped unevenly to the walls, balloons already starting to deflate.
You thought there would be handwritten cards, messy, rushed and filled with inside jokes. Cards that meant more than the gifts themselves.
You’ve spent so long telling yourself this is what you wanted: a life that makes sense, a relationship that feels safe, a future that doesn’t come with question marks attached and now that you’re sitting in the middle of it, surrounded by everything you once thought would make you feel whole, all you can focus on is the quiet, unsettling feeling that something is off.
That maybe wanting something for so long doesn’t mean it’s right when it finally finds you.
Jake squeezes your hand gently, grounding you just enough to pull you back into the moment. “Everything okay?” he asks, his voice low.
You nod too quickly, offering him a smile that feels convincing enough. “Yeah. I’m fine.”
And you almost believe it.
Nothing here is wrong. There’s nothing to point to, nothing to explain why your chest feels this tight, why your thoughts keep drifting just out of reach, why you feel like you’re standing on the edge of something you can’t quite name. So you let the conversation pull you back in, let yourself laugh when you’re supposed to, respond when spoken to, slip back into place like you’ve done all night but the feeling doesn’t go away.
It lingers, a persistent question you’re not ready to answer: why does something you’ve wanted for so long feel so unfamiliar now that you have it?
NYU sophomore year
You don’t realize what time it is until it’s already too late.
Your laptop screen is the only light in the common room, the rest of the floor is quiet. Your fingers move quickly over your keyboard, words spilling out faster than you can second guess them, the story in your head finally taking shape.
Manon had been there at some point, curled up on the couch scrolling through her phone but you barely noticed when she got up. Sohee had said something about grabbing water, or maybe snacks before disappearing. Anton had been sitting across from you, half-watching whatever you were writing, half-doodling in the margins of his notebook. You don’t remember when he left either.
You’re too deep in your fictive world to notice how all your friends have slowly abandoned you until a voice cuts through. “Yo.”
You glance up to see Anton leaning against the doorway, hair slightly messy, hoodie sleeves pushed up his arms. “I think I left my captain’s hoodie in your room,” he says, scratching the back of his neck. “Can you come check? I don’t wanna just go in there if you’re not—”
“Oh, yeah,” you say immediately, already pushing your chair back. “It’s probably on my desk.”
You follow him down the hall, still half in your story and unaware of the date and time. When you reach your door he lets you walk in first. The second the door opens you’re met with confetti to the face.
“Surprise!”
You jump so hard you almost drop your phone. Streamers fly into your line of vision, balloons bobbing against the ceiling as Manon and Sohee burst out from either side of your room, laughing as they shout over each other. “Happy birthday!”
You blink, completely stunned, your brain scrambling to catch up as you take in the decorations strung haphazardly across your walls, the pile of half-inflated balloons in the corner, the cheap plastic banner taped slightly crooked above your bed.
“Oh my gosh! What!? when did you??” You laugh breathless, pressing a hand to your chest.
“We’ve been planning this all week,” Manon says proudly, already reaching for you, grabbing your shoulders and shaking you lightly.
“You were too busy ignoring us, writing your little stories to notice,” Sohee adds, grinning.
“I was not ignoring you!” you protest, laughing as you turn in a slow circle, taking everything in.
Up close, the details start to settle. You notice the fairy lights, finally. They’re strung the same way you always keep them but now they’re lined with polaroids of tiny moments clipped between the wires. You step closer without thinking and reach up to examine one between your fingers.
There’s one from your latest group trip to China town, Sohee had taken it after you had all gotten matcha at a new cafe. There’s another of you asleep on Anton’s lap, you think it’s from midterms week. One of Anton, taken from further away standing by the pool, hair still wet, turning toward the camera like he didn’t realize he was being watched and then one of all four of you, squeezed together in your dorm room, slightly blurry but unmistakably yours.
“You guys…” you start but your voice trails off.
Behind you, a match strikes. You turn just as Anton leans over a small cake, carefully lighting each candle one by one, tongue pressing lightly against his cheek. The flicker of the flames catches in his eyes as he straightens then he starts to sing. “Happy birthday to you…”
Sohee joins in almost immediately, louder and off-key on purpose and Manon follows right after. Anton steps closer as he sings, holding the cake out toward you, the candles casting a soft light across his face. He’s smiling as he reaches the end. “…happy birthday to you.”
The song ends with laughter and clapping, Sohee whooping loudly while Manon squeezes your arm. Anton just nods toward the candles. “Make a wish.”
For a second, everything fades and all you can think about is this moment, the three people standing around you, the way it feels to be surrounded by something this loving. You wish, simply, that it never changes. That the four of you stay like this, that this…whatever this is, lasts.
You blow out the candles.
“Okay! Cut the cake I’m hungry.” Sohee cheers immediately.
Anton disappears for a second, setting the cake down to grab plates and a plastic knife. When he comes back, he hands you the first slice. You glance down at it, then back up at him. “Wait…this is my favorite!”
He shrugs like it’s nothing. “You mentioned it once.”
“When?” You ask.
“During Sohee’s birthday. You were complaining about the flavor.” He says, already cutting another slice.
You let out a scoff, shaking your head. “I was not complaining.”
“You were,” Sohee calls from across the room.
You playfully roll your eyes, “yeah well who wants an ice cream cake for their birthday? You can eat ice cream whenever!”
Anton huffs a quiet laugh, handing out the rest of the plates. Manon grabs your arm again before you can think too hard about it, pulling you toward the center of the room. “No more talking. We’re dancing.”
Before you can respond, Sohee is pushing something into your hands, a flimsy plastic sash that reads BIRTHDAY GIRL in glittery letters and Manon is already placing a slightly crooked tiara on your head.
You go along with it, laughing as she spins you around, the tiara slipping slightly and the sash twisting awkwardly across your chest. At some point, you catch Anton watching you from across the room. He’s leaning back against your desk, arms crossed loosely, a half-smile playing at his lips like he’s trying not to laugh at you.
You don’t linger on it. You let yourself get lost in the music and the company of your friends. Grateful to have a found family.
After your birthday, things don’t change. At least not much…not really.
The four of you still move through campus like a unit, still fall into the same routines, the same late-night hangouts and shared meals and crowded study sessions. You still end up in each other’s rooms, still spend weekends bouncing between games and practices and whatever last-minute plans Manon decides are non-negotiable.
Somewhere in the middle of it all though, something shifts…between you and a certain chestnut haired swim captain.
Anton ends up in your room more often, stretched across your bed with his head propped against your pillow while you sit cross-legged beside him, laptop balanced on your thighs. At first there’s always space between you, enough to pretend nothing’s different.
Until there isn’t.
Until one night you realize you're laying down now, shoulder pressed against his, your arm brushing his every time you move, neither of you shifting away. Until another night turns into you curled slightly into his side, his hoodie bunched under your cheek, his breathing slow and steady beside you like it’s the most natural thing in the world.
No one says anything about it.
Lunches start happening without the others. At first it’s accidental, running into each other after his swim practice, both of you starving, deciding to grab something quick before your next class but then it becomes a habit. “Just us,” he’ll say, like it doesn’t mean anything. As if it’s not becoming something.
You wander through the city together, ducking into small places you find on a whim, sharing fries, trading bites, talking about everything and nothing all at once. He listens when you ramble about your stories, asks questions like he actually cares about the plot and fictional worlds you build. You start saving things to tell him.
You don’t realize you’re doing it until it’s impossible to ignore. Late nights turn into later ones. Text messages that stretch past midnight, then one, then two, until your phone is the last thing you see before you fall asleep and the first thing you reach for when you wake up. Your 8AM classes become harder to sit through, your focus slipping in and out because you’re thinking about something he said hours ago, replaying it without meaning to.
“Why are you smiling at your phone like that?” Manon asks once, eyeing you from across the room.
“I’m not,” you say too quickly, locking your screen.
She hums unconvinced but lets it go. You start doing that more than you’d like to admit, shrugging things off, brushing past questions, lying to your friends…to yourself.
You tell yourself it’s nothing, that when you choose to sit next to him instead of across from him, when your knees brush under the table and neither of you move that it’s platonic. You tell yourself that when people start to notice.
“You two are always together,” Sohee says one night, not accusing, just observant.
“We’re literally all always together,” you shoot back, a little too fast. Manon glances between the two of you, something knowing flickering across her face before she looks away.
You laugh it off. You tell yourself it’s easier that way because nothing happens. There are no confessions, no grand moments you can point to and say that’s where it changed. No one crosses a line that can’t be uncrossed. If anything, the two of you become experts at hovering just beneath it, circling something unspoken and pretending it isn’t there.
You let it, whatever it is, exist in that in-between space. Until it’s everywhere. Until it’s the first person you look for in a room and the last person you say goodnight to. Until it’s his hoodie thrown over your chair, his water bottle sitting next to yours, his name lighting up your phone more than anyone else’s.
It's not until you're packing up to go home for summer break do you realize the cold hard truth: you've fallen for Anton Lee and you have no idea what to do about it.
Present Day
It’s been a week since your birthday and dinner with Jake’s parents. Manon is back, the apartment finally feeling like itself. She has music low in the background as she sits cross-legged on the living room floor with her laptop open, clips from Paris flashing across the screen as she edits.
You’re in your room, standing in front of your mirror, finishing your makeup while Jake lingers behind you. Today is date night. He’s already ready, button-down crisp, sleeves rolled slightly and watch fastened neatly at his wrist. He’s been watching you for the past few minutes, leaning against your dresser patiently waiting on you. “You almost done?” he asks.
“Almost…two seconds.” You say, leaning in to swipe mascara across your lashes.
“Mm,” he hums, pushing himself off the dresser. You don’t notice when he starts moving around your room, his attention drifting to the little things you’ve left out, your books stacked unevenly on your desk, the loose papers of your novel you edit at night, the memory box that sits in between your bed and night stand.
It’s tucked just slightly out of place, the lid not fully closed from the last time you went through it. Jake pauses, glancing toward you for a second before crouching down, curiosity getting the better of him. You’re still focused on your reflection when he lifts the lid.
Jake smiles faintly when he finds the box filled with letters and polaroid. He starts flipping through the pictures one by one; Manon mid-laugh, Sohee mewing at the camera, a blurry shot of what looks like a dorm hallway. He keeps shuffling through them until he comes across a picture of you and a man he’s never seen before.
“Babe. Who’s this?” He calls, turning the photo slightly in his hand.
You turn just enough to see what he’s holding and your stomach drops. It’s you after Anton’s swim comp wrapped in his captain's hoodie while he stands beside you, medal hanging from his neck and arm slung loosely around your shoulders.
You move before you can think about it. “Jake!” you cross the room quickly, faster than you mean to, snatching the photo and the box from his hands in one motion. “Why are you going through my stuff!?”
Jake blinks, thrown off, hands lifting slightly in defense. “Woah! I wasn’t…I didn’t think it was a big deal.”
“Well, it is,” you say, a little sharper than you intended, already setting the box aside like putting distance between it and him will fix something.
Jake exhales, running a hand through his hair. “Okay…I’m sorry. I just…I saw it and I got curious.”
You don’t respond right away, turning back to your mirror. Jake watches you for a second then asks. “Who is he?”
Your grip tightens around your makeup brush. “No one,” you say coldly.
Jake lets out a quiet, disbelieving breath. “He doesn’t look like no one.”
You don’t answer. “Is he an ex?” he presses.
You cringe before you can stop yourself. “Can you just…drop it please? I said it’s nothing, Jake.”
He frowns, something frustrated flickering across his face now. “I’ve told you about all my exes. Why are you hiding this?” He says, a little more pointed.
You open your mouth and then close it because what are you supposed to say? Anton wasn’t an ex but he also wasn’t someone who meant nothing. Whatever it was that the two of you shared existed in the realm of what if’s and dreams.
“I’m not hiding anything,” you say finally but it comes out weaker than you intend.
Jake studies you, eyes narrowing just slightly. “Then explain it.”
You let out a quiet breath and set your makeup brush down. “There’s nothing to explain. He was just…someone from school.”
“Just someone?” Jake echoes, glancing toward the box you shoved aside. “You’re clearly wearing his hoodie and he’s got his arm around you like…like that’s normal!”
“It was normal. We were friends.” You snap, more defensive now.
The word hangs there, thin and unconvincing, even to your own ears. Jake doesn’t respond right away. He just watches you, his expression shifting from confusion to frustration like he’s trying to understand what you’re not saying just as much as what you are.
“Okay. I’m just gonna be blunt.” he says after a moment. Your stomach drops. “Do you have feelings for him?”
You freeze for half a second, your reflection staring back at you in the mirror, eyes just a little too wide, lips parted like you might actually answer him honestly and for the briefest moment, you consider it. You consider turning around, saying I don’t know or it’s complicated or something real but the truth is messy. The truth doesn’t make sense. The truth would ruin the life you’ve built these two years away from Anton so instead you laugh.
It comes out light and dismissive. “That’s…not even possible,” you say, shaking your head as you turn back to the mirror, picking up your makeup brush. “You can’t have feelings for someone you never even dated. That’s just…” you shrug slightly, meeting his eyes through the reflection, “...dumb.”
Even as it leaves your mouth, something inside you recoils. Still, you don’t take it back. You let the lie sit there between you. You add it to the long list of lies you’ve told. Jake watches you for a few seconds longer, trying to decide if he believes you or not. His gaze lingers, searching your face for any signs of hesitation. You don’t give him anything.
Eventually, he exhales. “…okay,” he says quietly.
He glances at his watch then back at you. “We should go. We’re gonna miss our reservation.”
You nod quickly, grateful for the out. “Yeah.”
You set your brush down and reach for your bag before following him out. You catch Manon’s eyes on your way out and there’s no doubt she heard your conversation. The frown she gives you on your exit speaks volumes.
NYU junior year
You don’t remember who pulled who into the room first. All you know is the music is louder out there but here it’s quieter. Anton’s mouth is already on yours, wasting no time the second the door shuts behind you.
The kiss is messy and rushed. You barely have time to catch your breath before he’s backing you up, hands firm at your waist as you stumble together, bumping into the edge of the bed. You laugh softly against his lips, breathless. “The door’s not even locked,” you murmur, glancing over his shoulder for half a second. “Someone could walk in.”
Anton doesn’t pull away, if anything he leans in closer, mouth dragging from your lips to your jaw then lower. “Let them,” he murmurs against your skin like the idea doesn’t bother him at all.
You huff out a quiet laugh, fingers sliding into his hair, tugging lightly just to hear the soft exhale it pulls from him. “You’re insane.”
“Insane about you.” He rebuttals.
His hands skim up your sides as your back hits the mattress as he follows you down and lays his body weight atop you. The room tilts slightly as you turn your head. The window is cracked open just enough to let the cool night air slip in, you can see the city lights flickering somewhere in the distance and all you can think about is how different this is. How far this feels from where you were just a few months ago.
Over the summer, you’d convinced yourself distance would fix it. Back home, surrounded by everything that came before NYU, it was easier to pretend. Easier to ignore the way your phone lit up with his name, easier to let texts sit unanswered a little longer than they should then a little longer after that. You told yourself it was space, that it was necessary. That whatever had started to grow between you at the end of sophomore year would fade if you just…stopped feeding it.
For a while, it almost worked. By the time you came back in the fall, you thought maybe the awkwardness would carry over, that things would feel different but Anton didn’t act like anything had changed. He showed up the same way he always did. Bright smiles, casual touches, sitting a little too close like he always had so you followed his lead.
You laughed like nothing had happened and slipped back into your routines. You ignored the way your chest tightened every time your hands brushed or when he said your name with reverence. You were able to keep it up until December.
The four of you had stumbled into a crowded frat house on a Thursday night. You’d gotten separated from Manon and Sohee somewhere between the kitchen and the stairs, weaving your way through strangers until you ended up by the makeshift bar.
You got to work on making yourself a drink when one of the football players approached you. It started the way those things always do: small talk, a drink pressed into your hand, someone leaning a little closer to hear you over the music.
There was no pressure behind it, no second layer to peel back and analyze. You took a sip of your drink and batted your lashes up at him. You opened your mouth to ask if he wanted to go somewhere more private only to be stopped by a hand wrapping around your waist.
Your entire body reacted before your mind had a chance to catch up, breath catching sharply. You didn’t need to turn to know who it was. You knew the weight of his hand, the way his thumb slips under your shirt and rubs slow circles along your v-line.
“Hey baby,” he said over your shoulder.
You malfunctioned at the pet name while the footballer glanced between the two of you, something in his expression shifting. “Oh…are you…?”
“Yes,” Anton said, cutting in before he could finish.
You turned then, finally looking at him, your brows pulled together in confusion. You opened your mouth to question it, to push back but he was already moving. His grip wasn’t tight but it was possessive enough that you followed without thinking, letting him guide you through the crowd towards an empty hallway.
“Anton what was that!?”
He shrugged before letting you go. “I didn’t like it.”
You stared at him, trying to understand what that meant. “Didn’t like what?”
He clenched his jaw before responding. “All of it. The way he was flirting with you, looking at you. I didn’t like it.”
Your breath caught yet again but you tried to compose yourself. “Okay…but that doesn’t mean you can just…what, pretend I’m your girlfriend?” You said slowly, trying to keep your voice steady.
He huffed a quiet laugh at that, shaking his head like you were missing the point. “Why are we still doing this?” he asked suddenly.
Your stomach dropped. “Doing what?”
“This,” he said gesturing vaguely between you, frustration bleeding through. “Pretending like nothing’s here.”
You blinked, your thoughts scrambling to catch up.
“I gave you space. All summer I let you pull away and I didn’t push, I didn’t ask questions and when we got back, I played along. I acted like it was fine.”
The words hit harder than they should. Maybe it was because he was right. You did feel it, you had always felt it. You had just been better at pretending you didn’t.
“Anton…” you started but it came out quieter than you intended.
He stepped closer closing the distance just enough to make your breath catch again but he didn't touch you. “When are we going to stop acting like this is nothing?” he had asked.
That night ended the way it probably shouldn’t have. With your back pressed against the cold tile of a frat house bathroom, your hands tangled in his hair as you kissed him like you were trying to make up for every moment you didn’t.
You’re pulled back to the present when Anton’s mouth dips lower and he leaves open mouthed kisses across your stomach. You sigh at the feeling of his tongue dragging across your skin before letting your right hand drop to his head to tug at his hair, relishing in the whimpers he releases.
You smirk at the hold you have on him, literally and metaphorically. You tug a bit harder when he leaves a kiss below your navel right above the button of your mini skirt. Before he can go any further, you tilt his head up to look you in your eyes.
You take delight in the way he obeys but your satisfaction is snubbed out by the reminder of what led the two of you to this room. “Who was that girl?”
Anton’s brows lift slightly like he genuinely has no idea what you’re talking about. “What girl?” he asks, voice calm.
You narrow your eyes at him, unimpressed. “Don’t do that.”
“Do what?” he presses, the corner of his mouth twitching like he’s fighting a smile.
You let out a quiet scoff, your hand slipping from his hair as he shifts, sliding off you and settling beside you on the bed. The sudden space between you feels wrong immediately. You turn toward him without thinking and climb right back into his space, swinging a leg over his lap to straddle him. His hands automatically go to grip your waist and pull you in closer, bucking his hips a bit.
“I’m talking about the girl downstairs. The one who was following you like a lost puppy.” You say more direct now.
Anton exhales softly through his nose and grips your hips a bit tighter. “She wasn’t following me like a puppy,” he says, still playing it off.
You tilt your head, studying him. “Really?”
He shrugs but he doesn’t look away from you. “She’s no one.”
“That’s not what it looked like.” Your fingers press a little more firmly into his shoulder from frustration and jealousy.
“Why do you care?” he asks quietly, rolling his hips below you to create friction. You falter for half a second from the weight behind the question and your growing arousal.
“I don’t,” you say quickly, your gaze flicking away for just a moment before returning to him. “I’m just asking.”
He hums unconvinced, his right hand sliding a little higher on your hips, holding you there a bit more firmly now. “She’s just some girl Sohee was trying to set me up with,” he says, watching your face carefully.
Your expression tightens before you can stop it, something like a scowl flickering across your face as your fingers curl slightly against his shoulders. “Oh,” you say but there’s nothing neutral about it. You lean in before you can think too hard about it, kissing him again, harder this time. Anton moans against your mouth and kisses back with equal fervor, almost whining when you pull back.
“I don’t like that.” You murmur against his lips, shaking your head slightly.
Anton lets out a quiet breath, his grip on you tightening as he leans up to chase your lips. “She doesn’t matter. I promise.” He says, the words brushing against your mouth.
His forehead bumps yours for a second, his gaze lingering like he’s waiting to see if you’ll push again, if you’ll question it, if you’ll admit why you even asked in the first place.
Instead you push him back to tug his shirt off and set off on laying kisses along the column of his neck and chest. Making sure to leave behind angry red bruises that show he’s off limits.
That’s how it goes with the two of you. Tonight it’s a girl downstairs, someone neither of you care about until suddenly you do. Yesterday it was the way Anton’s jaw tightened when your hand lingered a second too long on your partner during workshop, his quiet mood lasting the rest of the night until you finally snapped and asked what his problem was. Next week, it’ll be something else entirely.
It always is. You push, he pulls. He pulls, you push harder. Neither of you willing to step back far enough to end it, neither of you brave enough to step forward and call it what it is.
With spring break coming up, you only pray a change of scenery is enough to give the two of you some reprieve.
𓈒⠀𓂃⠀⠀˖⠀𓇬⠀˖⠀⠀𓂃⠀𓈒
Seven days later
The ocean stretches out in front of you, endless and blue. Manon is beside you, sunglasses pushed up into her hair, already halfway through her third drink like she’s trying to make the most of the “unlimited” part of the resort package. You’re stretched out on your stomach, book open in front of you while Sohee and Anton ride jetskis in the clear blue water.
Spring break had been Manon’s idea. It started over winter break with a facetime call. She had been pushing for a cabin trip at first but Sohee and Anton were doing a cruise and your parents had planned a last minute family trip and suddenly the whole thing unraveled before it ever really came together. Manon had sulked for all of ten minutes before pivoting completely.
She proposed spring break in Cancun. Next thing you knew, you were booking an all-inclusive resort in Cancun, splitting costs and promising it would be fun.
It’s day three of five now and so far it’s been exactly what you expected. You’ve drank more than your liver can probably handle, eaten so much food to the point of expanding your stomachs and backs and the four of you have spent hours in the water with salt drying into your skin.
Somewhere in between all of it, you and Anton had smoothed over whatever that moment at the party had been but things haven’t exactly gone back to normal either. You think it’s all the sexual tension floating around the two of you. All four of you share a room, Anton and Sohee on one bed, you and Manon on the other. It’s hard to sneak away and get alone time. You’ve resorted to living vicariously through the characters in your books you packed.
Manon lets out a satisfied sigh beside you, tipping the last of her piña colada back before setting the empty glass in the sand. “Okay…I’m gonna go get us more drinks before they try to cut me off.” She announces, pushing herself up with a little wobble.
You snort, lowering your book just enough to glance at her. “You’re already pushing it.”
She waves you off like it’s nothing, already brushing sand from her legs and adjusting her bikini straps. “They love me,” she insists, flashing you a grin before turning toward the bar.
You watch her go, eyes narrowing slightly as she weaves her way across the sand, pausing once to steady herself before continuing on like nothing happened. Shaking your head, you let out a quiet sigh and settle back down, turning your attention to your book again. The pages of The Nightingale blur slightly in the bright sun but you try to focus anyway, letting the words pull you somewhere else.
You only make it a few lines in before something bumps lightly against your foot. You blink, glancing down to find a volleyball resting against your ankle, grains of sand clinging to its surface. “Sorry!” a voice calls from a few feet away.
You look up to see a guy jogging toward you, slowing as he gets closer. He lifts a hand in a small, almost shy wave, offering you an apologetic smile as he comes to a stop. “Didn’t mean to interrupt…uh that kind of rolled away from us.” He gestures back toward the makeshift volleyball court set up a little further down the beach, a few people still standing there watching.
You push yourself up onto your elbows, brushing sand from your forearm before reaching down to pick up the ball. “You’re good,” you say, offering it back to him.
He steps closer to take it, fingers brushing yours for a brief second. “Thanks…what’re you reading?” He asks, lingering just a moment longer than necessary.
You glance down at the cover, holding it up slightly. “The Nightingale.”
He nods like he recognizes it, you’re not entirely convinced he does. “Is it good?”
You shrug lightly. “So far.”
He smiles at that. “I was gonna say, you look pretty into it.”
You huff a quiet laugh, closing it partway. “I was, until your game attacked me.”
He laughs, scratching the back of his neck. “Can…can I buy you a drink? As an apology.”
You hesitate for half a second, your instinct to say no rising automatically but it stalls before it reaches your mouth because what would you even say? “No, I can't, because there’s a boy on a jetski somewhere who gets jealous even though we’re not together?”
Before you can figure out how to turn him down politely, movement catches in your peripheral. Manon is making her way back across the sand, two drinks balanced in her hands, her sunglasses now crooked on her face. In front of you, Sohee and Anton are just stepping off their jetskis, laughing about something as they walk toward you.
Your stomach tightens. The timing is almost cruel. “Actually, I—” you start, already half-turning toward Manon, ready to use her as an out.
“Oh perfect,” Manon cuts in easily as she reaches you, not missing a beat as her eyes flick between you and the guy in front of you. “This one’s for Sohee,” she says, pressing one of the drinks into his hands the second he gets close. Sohee takes it without question, too busy thanking her to notice anything else.
You fight the urge to jump her. You have to remind yourself she has good intentions. You turn back to the stranger, forcing your expression into something kinder. “Yeah…um one drink is fine.”
Your eyes flick over to Anton but he lets nothing slip. He pushes his hair away from his forehead and laughs at a joke Sohee makes before settling down in the sand next to Manon.
“Cool, c’mon.” The stranger says, smiling a little wider now that you’ve agreed. He offers you his hand and you take it, dusting off sand from your stomach and thighs. You adjust your bikini straps before following after him.
Anton doesn’t look your way again.
The walk to the bar is short but it feels longer. The music gets louder the closer you get, you spot people crowded around the counter sipping on colorful drinks. The stranger introduces himself somewhere along the way, says his name is James. You tell him your name before settling against a free spot at the bar.
He leans forward slightly, catching the bartender’s attention. “Two tequila shots please.”
The glasses slide across the counter a second later, salt clinging to the rims. He picks one up and hands it to you, fingers brushing yours again. “To spring break,” he says with a grin.
You force a small smile, lifting your glass to meet his. “To spring break.”
He starts talking again, something about where he’s from, how long he’s been here but your attention drifts before you can stop it. Back toward the beach where Anton is perched in the sand soaking up the sun.
It makes your skin itch how unaffected he seems. Makes you feel dramatic for the reaction you had at the party. You wonder if he even cares, if whatever this is only feels like something more when you’re alone with him.
You swallow, the taste of tequila still lingering, suddenly too aware of everything. “I’m sorry. I think I’m actually gonna go lie down. I’m not feeling great.”
James pauses, clearly thrown off but he recovers quickly. “Oh…yeah, of course. Are you okay?”
“Yeah. Just tired.” You nod, already stepping back.
He hesitates for a second like he wants to say more but then smiles. “Okay. Maybe I’ll see you around?”
You nod once. “Yeah…maybe.”
You don’t wait for anything else. You don’t grab your things or call out to Manon or wait for anyone to notice you’re gone. You just turn and walk, the sound of the ocean fading behind you with every step, replaced by the quiet of the hotel lobby as you push through the glass doors. The air conditioning hits your skin but it does nothing to cool the burning embarrassment building under it.
You make your way to the elevators without thinking, pressing the button and crossing your arms over yourself as you wait, your reflection staring back at you in the mirrored walls. The doors slide open and you step inside, pressing your floor and exhaling slowly. Just as the doors begin to shut, a hand catches them. They part again with a soft chime and Anton steps in.
The space shrinks immediately. You don’t say anything at first and neither does he. The doors close behind him and the elevator starts to move, the elevator music filling the silence between you.
For a second, you think about staying quiet and letting it pass. Letting this be just another thing that goes unspoken but the question comes out anyway. “Do you even care about me?”
Anton turns his head slightly, brows pulling together. “What?”
You shake your head immediately, already regretting it. “Never mind.”
The elevator climbs another floor. He waits a beat before speaking again, his voice deeper this time. “You looked pretty cozy at the bar.”
You turn to face him fully but he’s not looking at you. His gaze is fixed straight ahead, jaw set. You let out a small, disbelieving scoff. “So you can flirt with whoever Sohee throws at you but God forbid I let a guy buy me a drink?”
Anton exhales sharply, rolling his eyes. “Why are you bringing her up again? I told you she means nothing!”
“It’s the principle! You don’t get to act like that when you do the same thing. That's called hypocrisy Anton.” You shoot back, frustration rising now, pushing past whatever hesitation you had before.
“It’s not the same thing!” he snaps, finally turning toward you. “You’re the one who said we can’t tell anyone. What am I supposed to say to Sohee when he tries to set me up with someone? Huh? What was I supposed to say after the party about the hickies you left on my neck? You can’t get pissed at me for a boundary you insist on keeping!”
You falter at him throwing your rules back at you. You hate how he’s right, how you can’t come up with a logical and fair defense in response to instead you reach for the one thing that always gives you distance. “This is dumb. We’re not even together.”
The elevator dings softly as it reaches your floor. The doors slide open and you step out automatically, expecting him to follow, already bracing for the argument to continue the way it always does, looping back in on itself until one of you gives in.
However, when you turn around he hasn’t moved. He’s still standing inside, one hand braced against the railing, looking at you like he’s seeing you clearly for the first time. There’s something in his expression that makes your chest tighten.
He looks hurt. Genuinely hurt. When he finally speaks, his voice is quiet.
“Then let’s end whatever this is.”
Present Day
As the waves of pleasure finally begin to subside, you find yourself tangled between Jake’s arms and your sheets. Both your breaths mingle in the warm air and Jake wraps his arms securely around you, holding you close as his heartbeat gradually slows. You can feel the aftershocks of your climax coursing through you as your eyes slowly shut.
One of his hands is lazily tracing over yours, turning your palm up and brushing along your fingers. “I’m never gonna get tired of this,” he murmurs, more to himself than anything.
You huff out a quiet laugh, the corner of your mouth lifting into a smirk. “Mhmm, good I’ve got some more tricks up my sleeve.”
Jake lets out a groan, “Such a fucking tease.”
You laugh and open your mouth to retort but get cut off by the door swinging open. “Hey, do you have a—oh.”
Manon freezes mid-step, one hand still on the door, her eyes flicking from Jake to you tangled together in your bed. “Shit! Sorry! My fault!”
The door shuts just as quickly as it opened. You groan instantly, dragging your blanket up over your head like it might erase the last ten seconds. “Oh my gosh.”
Jake lets out a quiet laugh above you, chest rumbling against your cheek. “She definitely saw everything.”
“Stop. I can never leave this room again.” You mumble from under the covers, mortified, pulling them tighter around yourself.
He hums in agreement but his fingers hook into the edge of the blanket, tugging it down slowly until your face reappears. “Yeahhhh,” he says, amused, brushing your cheek. “That was…a little embarrassing.”
You narrow your eyes at him but there’s no real bite behind it. “How reassuring.”
He smirks in response before shrugging a shoulder. You try to hold onto the annoyance but it dissolves into a laugh as you let the blanket fall back to your chest. For a moment, neither of you say anything. His thumb finds your hand again, tracing the same absent pattern across your fingers. After a beat he speaks up again.
“You know…this could be avoided.”
You peek up at him, brows pulling together. “How?” you ask, still half-curled into him. “Our lease isn't ending anytime soon and Manon’s had a lifelong aversion to knocking.”
He smiles faintly at that but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes this time. His thumb pauses against your hand for a second before continuing. “Well…what if you moved?”
You blink, your mind struggling to catch his drift “Moved where?”
He shifts a little beneath you, propping himself up just enough to look at you properly. “To my place.”
You stare at him for a second longer than you mean to, your mind catching up in pieces. “Your…place?” you repeat, slower this time.
“Yeah. I mean…it just makes sense, right? We’re already spending most nights together anyway.” He gestures vaguely around your room, a small smile tugging at his lips. “And no surprise interruptions.”
You let out a soft breath that almost sounds like a laugh but it doesn’t quite land. Your mind starts racing as you struggle to piece together where this is coming from. Realistically, this isn’t a crazy thing to bring up, this is the kind of thing people do. The kind of next step that fits neatly into the version of a relationship the two of you have.
You just hadn’t…thought about it…with him.
“Jake…” you start but your words die on the tip of your tongue. You push yourself up slightly so you’re not completely folded into him anymore and try again. “I feel like that’s…kind of a big step.”
He nods, like he expected that. “It is but we’ve been together for a year. It’s not like this is coming out of nowhere.”
Your gaze drifts for a second. His penthouse flashes through your mind; clean, quiet, perfectly put together. You’ve been there enough to know it’s nice…really nice. It doesn’t feel like a place you belong or could call home. “I just think…maybe we don’t have to rush it?” You say slowly, choosing your words carefully.
The second the words leave your mouth, you feel the shift. Jake’s hand stills against yours for half a beat before he lets it relax again. “Rush it?” he repeats.
You shake your head quickly, pushing yourself up a little more, tucking your blanket around you some more. “Okay maybe not rush, I just…” you exhale softly, searching for something that sounds right. “I like where we are right now. I don’t think we have to…change it yet.”
He watches you for a second, weighing what you’re saying. His thumb brushes over your knuckles again but the movement feels more less sure now. “I’m not trying to rush you. Just thought…we were on the same page.”
You nod, trying to offer him a reassuring smile. “We are,” you say, even though something in your chest tightens as you do.
He nods back, like he’s choosing to believe you. “Okay,” he murmurs.
NYU senior year
The summer after junior year, Anton Lee disappeared from your life.
Not all at once but rather slowly, as if he intended to hurt you the way you had hurt him. His texts came later and later until they eventually stopped altogether, conversations never got picked back up and there was a loud silence that filled in the blanks for you. This wasn’t temporary.
You tried to hide behind your ego, told yourself that it made sense. Said that after everything that had happened between the two of you, maybe this is how it was always meant to end.
When the line had been drawn as clear as could be, you filled your time with other things. You still talked to Sohee and Manon, spent hours writing in your room about a perfect world where things worked out for your main characters.
You convinced yourself you were fine. Better off even without Anton. It was easy to think that way when he wasn’t standing right in front of you. Then September came and with it, the last semester the two of you would ever share again.
Just like that, he was back. It dawned on you that it was just as easy for Anton to delude himself when you weren’t standing directly in front of him, when the two of you weren’t sitting side by side pretending nothing ever happened between the two of you in front of your friends.
Like clockwork, you fell back into your familiar pattern. Only this time, the Anton you had grown to love wasn’t the one who came back to you. You think you lost that version somewhere in Cancun.
This time around, you thought it couldn’t be as bad as junior year…how wrong you were.
This time, neither of you cared to pretend. Gone was the sneaking around, no more stolen moments hidden behind closed doors. Whatever this was between you existed out in the open now. Unlabeled and undefined but impossible to miss.
Parties turned into something else entirely. What used to be fun, loud nights with your friends became a game the two of you never agreed to but always ended up playing anyway. How far can you push before the other snaps? How much can you get away with before it finally crosses a line?
Anton started it more often than not. He’d lean a little too close to someone else, let his hand linger just long enough for you to notice, sometimes even going as far as taking them upstairs. They’d disappear for a few minutes, never long enough to confirm anything but never short enough to ignore. It was never enough to call him out without sounding crazy but it was always enough to make burning hot jealousy rip through your chest.
When you would finally corner him and ask him what the hell he was doing, he’d only smirk before asking. “Why do you care?” It would be followed by a condescending hum and, “We’re not even together.”
He would throw it right back at you. The same words you used first, the same ones you threw at him in Cancun. You would sneer at him before stomping off, your pride fully kicked in. You would find someone of your own, someone easy. You would let him talk to you, let him get you drinks, let yourself be seen with him just long enough to prove a point you didn’t even fully believe in.
It would work for all of an hour before your attention would start to drift back to Anton. All he would ever do is give you one look and suddenly nothing else mattered. You’d make some excuse, slip away and leave whoever you were with standing there confused while you found your way back to him like you always did.
Manon tried, truly, to get you to have some self-respect. She would set you up with people she thought were easier and healthier. You’d go along with it at first to humor her. You’d exchange numbers, let conversations start only to lose interest almost immediately. Your replies got shorter then slower, until eventually they stopped altogether. It never made it past that.
From what you heard from Manon, Sohee tried too. He pulled Anton aside more than once, told him he wasn’t being fair, that maybe he should date outside of the friend group, give someone else a real chance only to be told, “We both know what we’re doing.”
Eventually, they both stopped pushing. Not because they approved but because they realized nothing they said was going to change it because as much as the two of you didn’t work like this, you still worked everywhere else.
Anton still walked you back to your dorm after late lectures, hands tucked into his pockets while the two of you talked about nothing and everything all at once. He still bought you lunch when you forgot your student ID, didn’t even let you argue about it. You still showed up to his swim meets with posters you’d spent too long making, shouting his name like you were born to cheer him on.
You still sat together at family dinner with Manon and Sohee, still laughed at the same jokes, still fell into each other on the couch during movie nights like it was muscle memory.
You’re good at that part…too good and that’s what made it worse.
Manon and Sohee didn’t understand it. They couldn’t figure out how the two of you fit so easily everywhere else, how you could be this…effortless together, only for everything to fall apart the second it turned into something more.
But you know why and so does Anton.
Neither of you said it out loud but it lingered in every argument, every glance and every moment where one of you almost gave in and the other refused to meet you there.
He hasn’t forgiven you for Cancun. Maybe even how you treated him leading up to your fight. He’s still holding on to how easily you turned off your emotions when others were around, how quick you were to deny him the chance of ever being more than a dirty little secret.
As for you, you’re too proud to fix it first. It’s humiliating enough knowing how thoroughly he’s ruined everyone else for you.
So you don’t cave, even when it’s the only thing you want to.
To your relief, somewhere along the way the two of you stop fighting as much. Not because anything gets resolved or because either of you finally says the thing you’ve been circling for two years now but because there’s nothing left to argue about that hasn’t already been said in a hundred and one different ways. You think it’s because he didn’t want to be on bad terms during graduation.
The last few weeks fly by, it’s easy to not notice time slipping away from you when things are as easy as they once were freshman year.
Today is commencement.
Just like that, the last four years of your life collapse into a single moment. You’ve imagined this day a hundred different ways but none of them feel quite like this. None of them capture how quickly it slips through your fingers.
One minute you’re walking across the stage, heart pounding, the announcer calling your name, next it’s over. Your tassel is turned, people are clapping, caps are already being tossed into the air before you’ve even had the chance to process it.
It all blurs together.
The months of deadlines, the nights spent hunched over your laptop swearing you’d start earlier next time, the early mornings you dragged yourself out of bed for classes you almost skipped, the crowded study rooms, the shared meals, the laughter—it all collapses into this one fleeting stretch of time that feels both too fast and impossibly long.
No more classes to rush to. No more last-minute submissions or group chats blowing up at two in the morning. No more of this.
You barely have time to sit with that realization before you’re being pulled in every direction. Pictures with your friends, your family, your professors. Someone is fixing your cap, someone else is calling your name, your phone is buzzing endlessly in your hand. It’s overwhelming in the best way.
By the time your parents decide you’ve taken enough pictures and accepted more gifts than your arms are capable of holding, you find yourself sitting at a long table surrounded by the people who made these last four years what they were.
Come six o’clock, you’re tucked into your seat beside Manon and her sister, your cap and gown long forgotten in your dads car. Across from you, Sohee is mid story with your dad, hands moving animatedly as he recounts something from freshman year.
Beside him sits Anton. He sits a little more relaxed than usual, one arm draped over the back of Sohee’s chair, a small smile tugging at his lips as he listens. Every now and then he chimes in, correcting Sohee or adding details that make the story even funnier and it’s so normal.
Eventually, plates empty and conversations start to taper off. You push your chair back softly, leaning toward Manon. “I’m gonna step outside for a second,” you murmur.
She nods without question, too caught up in whatever story Sohee’s telling now to look too closely. You slip out quietly, the noise of the restaurant fading behind you as the evening air hits your skin, cooler now.
You exhale slowly, stepping just far enough from the entrance to give yourself space, the sounds of laughter and clinking glasses muffled behind you. For a moment, it’s just you and the quiet hum of the city.
The door opens again and you don’t have to turn around to know it’s him.
Anton steps out beside you, he doesn’t say anything right away, just shrugs his suit jacket off his shoulders and holds it out toward you. “Here,” he says softly.
You hesitate for half a second before taking it, the fabric still warm from him as you slide your arms through the sleeves. It’s too big, swallowing you just slightly, the faint scent of his cologne settling around you.
“Thanks,” you murmur, pulling it closer around yourself.
He nods once, hands slipping into his pockets as he leans back against the wall beside you.
For a moment, neither of you says anything. Anton shifts slightly beside you before breaking it. “You wanna go for a walk?” he asks.
You glance over at him, really looking at him for the first time since you stepped outside. His hair is slightly out of place from the day, his tie loosened just enough to make him look less put together.
“Yeah,” you say, softer than you mean to.
He pushes off the wall and falls into step beside you, his arm brushes up against you but neither of you say anything or move away. You walk without a destination at first, letting your feet carry you down familiar streets, past places that have become second nature over the last four years. Neither of you rushes to fill the silence and for once, it doesn’t feel like something that needs fixing.
Eventually, without either of you meaning to, you find yourselves standing before your dorm. The place where everything started. You let out a small breath, something soft and almost disbelieving as you take it in. The windows are dark now, the halls inside probably already half empty with everyone moving out.
“Wow,” you murmur, more to yourself than anything.
Anton huffs a quiet laugh beside you. “How fitting.”
There’s another pause. You glance at the entrance, then back at him. “Do you wanna go in?” you ask.
The words hang between you. Anton’s gaze flicks from you to the building and back again. For a second, you think he might say no. Instead, he surprises you and nods. “Yeah,” he says quietly.
You barely have time to register his words before he’s putting in the building code and pulling the door open for you.
Inside, everything feels different. The lobby that once buzzed with voices and movement now sits in a strange, hollow quiet. A few stray boxes are stacked near the walls, abandoned or waiting to be taken, and the fluorescent lights hum faintly overhead.
It’s like stepping into a memory that’s already started to fade. You walk further in first, your eyes drifting over everything like you’re trying to hold onto it. The couches where you and Manon used to sit for hours, the corner where Sohee would pace while practicing, the hallway that always smelled faintly like burnt popcorn no matter the time of day.
“Feels weird,” you murmur.
“Yeah,” Anton agrees quietly, falling into step beside you.
Your feet carry you on their own. Down the hall. Past doors left ajar, rooms half-empty, beds stripped down to their frames. The place that once felt too small for all the life inside it now feels too big without it.
By the time you stop, you’re standing in front of a door you’ve walked through more times than you can count. Anton’s old domr. He hesitates for just a second before pushing it open.
The room is almost empty. His side of the room is stripped down completely, mattress bare, desk cleared, shelves wiped clean like he was never there at all. Sohee’s side looks the same. The only thing left is what couldn’t be taken yet, suitcases by the wall, a few stray items waiting to be packed last.
It shouldn’t feel like a punch to the chest but it does. You step inside slowly, your gaze dragging over the space where you’ve spent so many nights cuddled in Anton’s arms.
“Damn,” you breathe, arms crossing loosely over yourself, still wrapped in his jacket.
Anton shuts the door behind you, quieter this time. “Yeah.”
The silence stretches again, heavier now. There’s nowhere to sit except the bed so that’s where you perch yourselves. You lower yourself onto the bare mattress, the springs creaking softly under your weight. He follows a second later, sitting beside you but not too close.
You take in the room again, noting the way things have changed over four years.
“I hated this year,” you admit after a beat.
Anton stills beside you but you continue. You swallow, fingers curling slightly into the fabric of his jacket. “Not…the school year itself…just—” you shake your head faintly, searching for the right words. “Us.”
You let out a small, humorless breath. “I hated knowing I lost you before we even got back in the fall. The silence over the summer, the way everything after that just felt like we were…punishing each other.”
Anton exhales slowly, his gaze dropping to his hands. “You think I didn’t hate it too?”
You glance at him. “I hated all of it. You think I wanted that? I wanted to be with you.” He shakes his head slightly. “Every time I got close, every time I chose you…you pulled away.”
Your chest tightens. “I didn’t—” you start but the words fall apart before you finish your sentence. He’s right, you always chose to avoid him, from sophomore year when you realized you were falling all the way up to junior year after he confessed. He picked you yet you made it nearly impossible for him to stay with all the rules you set, the way you kept him hidden but would burn with fury when anyone else tried to fill your place beside him.
The truth sits there between you, ugly and unavoidable.
“It’s not too late,” Anton says quietly as you sit in your discomfort.
There’s no teasing in his expression now, no deflection, no pride. “We don’t have to keep doing it like that. We could…actually try.” He adds, softer now.
For a second, you let yourself imagine it. What that would look like. What it would feel like to finally stop fighting it, to call it what it is, to choose each other without all the conditions and rules and distance you’ve spent the last two years hiding behind.
Just as quickly though, reality comes crashing down. Every fight, every misstep, every moment where one of you reached and the other pulled away. Two years worth of proof, the two of you star crossed lovers destined to fail from the moment he showed up in front of your dorm and offered to help you build your bookshelf. You know how this ends.
Your gaze drops, your fingers smoothing over the edge of the mattress like it might ground you. “Sohee told me you’re leaving,” you say instead.
It’s a clear deflection and Anton picks up on it the second the words leave your mouth. He exhales, leaning back slightly on his hands. “Yeah. We’re going back to Korea for a bit. See where things go from there. Maybe LA after.” He admits.
You nod slowly, like you’re processing it, even though you already have.
“But that doesn’t mean—” he starts.
You don’t let him finish. “Long distance?” you ask, glancing at him.
He hesitates for a fraction of a second before nodding. “We could try. I mean it. Something real this time.”
Something real. The words settle in your chest, heavy. You want to believe him…you almost do but wanting something has never been enough for the two of you.
You nod like you agree, like you believe him, even though you don’t and before he can read too much into it, you lean forward, closing the space between you, pressing your lips to his. The kiss is softer than anything you’ve shared before.
It doesn’t feel like a fight or a distraction or something meant to prove a point. Anton stills for half a second surprised before his hand comes up to cup the side of your face, pulling you closer as he kisses you back.
His movements are slow and deliberate, almost like he’s trying to memorize you rather than consume you. His thumb brushes along your jaw, your cheek, as his lips move against yours with a kind of care you haven’t felt from him before.
His hands slide down from your face, pausing briefly at your shoulders before drifting lower, fingertips grazing along the edges of his jacket still wrapped around you. He tugs it gently from your arms, letting it fall somewhere beside the bed before his attention returns to you, eyes flickering over your face like he’s seeing you clearly for the first time in a long while.
You don’t look away.
Your breath catches softly as his hands find the zipper of your dress, hesitating for just a moment, giving you time to stop him, to say something, to pull away. You don’t.
He takes the hint and slowly unzips your dress. His gaze never leaving yours until the fabric is gone and discarded somewhere behind him.
He leans in again, pressing another kiss to your lips before letting it drift to your cheek, your jaw, the curve of your neck. Each touch softer than the last, like he’s making up for every moment he wasn’t like this before.
You let your hands move too, undoing his tie, then his dress shirt, guiding him just enough until he pulls back to shed the layers himself. The fabric drops to the floor without care, forgotten the second it leaves his hands.
When he comes back to you, it’s closer. His forehead rests briefly against yours, both of you breathing the same air, your breaths mingling together and become one. You take your time to remember his face, all the beauty marks and smile lines then his lips find yours once more.
There’s no urgency in the way he touches you, no rush to get anywhere else. His hands move as if he’s learning you all over again, like this version of you is something fragile. Something he doesn’t want to break.
You fall back onto the bare mattress together, the springs creaking faintly beneath you, the room around you stripped of everything except this.
Your orgasm crashes into you, shattering you completely. You barely register the sounds you’re making, Anton swallowing them with a desperate kiss. Your breaths tangle, uneven and shaky, his hands still holding you like he doesn’t quite know how to let go. “I love you.” He chokes out as he spills in you.
It feels like a freight train has hit you. Your chest tightens so suddenly it almost hurts, your breath catching as everything inside you stumbles over itself. Your hand lifts on instinct, brushing his hair back from his face so you can see him clearly, really see him.
“I love you too,” you breathe. You finally allow yourself to say the words you’ve been aching to say for the past four years.
Anton exhales against your lips, something in his expression breaking open just slightly before he leans down again, kissing you reverently. You kiss him back just as gently, your fingers still tangled in his hair, holding him there for a second longer before pulling back just enough to look at him again.
“I love you,” you say once more. Making sure he knows, he understands you have and will always love him.
Anton gently pulls out and a soft whimper escapes your lips at the loss but he’s quick to drop down beside you, pulling you into his embrace, cradling you against his chest like it’s second nature. His arms wrap around you securely, one hand splayed across your back while the other traces slow, absentminded circles into your skin. It feels like everything you’ve ever wanted.
You tilt your head slightly, looking up at him. His eyes are already on you. “Did you mean it?” he murmurs.
You nod against him, your fingers coming up to rest lightly against his chest. “I always did.”
Anton exhales softly, his hand sliding up your back to rest at the base of your neck. “Then we can make it work. It doesn’t have to end like this.”
You don’t humor him with a response. Instead, you trace slow patterns into his skin, listening as he continues. “I’m being serious, ____. We could try. Long distance for a bit…until things settle.” His thumb brushes lightly along your shoulder. “And then I’ll come back to New York.”
Your heart stutters at that.
“I don’t wanna be anywhere else long term. We could…get a place. A brownstone, maybe. Fix it up how we want.” He says with a small laugh.
You smile faintly despite yourself, picturing it without meaning to. You had mentioned freshman year wanting to be a NewYork Times best selling author living in your very own brownstone, that’s how you would know you made it.
“You’d have your own space to write,” he continues, glancing down at you. “I could finally hear all those stories you never let anyone read. Help if you want or just…be there.”
Tears slowly start to fill your eyes. “And you could tell me when my lyrics suck.” He adds teasingly.
You let out a quiet laugh, shaking your head. “They don’t suck.”
“Some of them do,” he insists, nudging you slightly.
You hum, pretending to consider it. “Maybe.”
He smiles at that, something soft and boyish slipping through as he turns his head to look up at the ceiling. For a moment, you let yourself stay there. In the version of your life he’s painting so easily, as if it’s something already within reach. You nod along when you’re supposed to. Add small comments, let him talk, let him believe you’re right there with him.
His voice eventually slows, his words tapering off as the exhaustion of the day finally catches up to him. His grip on you loosens just slightly, his breathing evening out as sleep begins to pull him under.
You stay still beneath him, listening as his breaths deepen, as the tension finally leaves his body completely. When you’re sure he’s asleep, you tilt your head just enough to look at him again.
You take in the way his lashes rest against his cheeks, the faint crease between his brows that’s finally smoothed out, the pink of his lips. Your fingers lift slowly, brushing his hair back from his forehead one last time, lingering there for just a second longer than necessary.
“I love you,” you whisper, so quietly it drifts into the night.
You fight the tears as you pull away. Slowly untangling yourself from his arms like you’re afraid even the smallest movement might wake him, might stop you from doing what you already know you’re going to do. You gather your clothes from the floor, dressing in silence, your hands moving on autopilot.
When you make it to the door, you pause. You sniff once before looking over your shoulder. He’s still there, still unmoving. Still looking like something you could’ve kept if things had been different.
Your throat tightens but you don’t let it stop you. You open the door and slip out into the quiet hallway, letting the door close softly behind you. Only then do you allow yourself to cry, to mourn what you never let yourself have.
Present Day
By the time you step off the train, your head is still buzzing with red ink and rejected edits.
The day had dragged at the publishing house, hours blurring into each other under fluorescent lights while you sat hunched over your laptop, eyes burning, flipping between manuscripts and stories that weren’t yours. Words you were supposed to fix, shape and make better even as your own sat untouched in the notes app on your phone.
Your boss hadn’t made it any easier. Hurling insults from her glass office at the all editors as she sat with her legs up on her desk eating a deli sub.
All you want is your bed.
You dig through your bag as you walk, fingers brushing past your notebook, your wallet and the lip gloss you swore you lost two days ago. Your keys are always at the bottom no matter how many times you tell yourself to keep them somewhere easier to reach. You let out a quiet sigh, already half-annoyed at the effort it’s going to take to find them.
The sound of someone calling your name cuts through your annoyance. You look up and blink in confusion. Jake stands a few feet away leaning casually against his car, one hand resting on the hood of his stupidly nice sports car, the other tucked into the pocket of his slacks.
He smiles when your eyes meet his. “Hey baby.”
For a second, you just stare at him. You hadn’t been expecting him. Your fingers that are still in your bag tighten slightly around nothing, your thoughts lagging a step behind as you try to catch up. “Jake? What are you doing here?” You ask as you finally pull your hand free, letting your bag fall back against your hip.
He pushes himself off the car, stepping a little closer as if he doesn’t see anything wrong with showing up unannounced. “I texted you. Figured I’d come pick you up.”
You blink, pulling your phone from your pocket. The screen lights up immediately, a string of notifications you hadn’t bothered checking once you left the office. His name sits there near the top.
“Sorry. I must’ve missed it.” You murmur, locking your phone again without really reading anything.
“It’s okay. I thought we could grab dinner or something. You look like you had a long day.” He says quickly.
You let out a small breath, something between a laugh and a sigh. “That obvious?”
“A little,” he admits, reaching out to brush his thumb lightly under your eye like he’s checking for something.
The touch is gentle and familiar. You should lean into it but instead you step back just slightly. “Yeah. It was…a lot.” You say, adjusting the strap of your bag over your shoulder.
Jake watches you for a moment, something flickering across his face too quick to fully catch. “Well,” he says, straightening a bit, deciding not to push it. “Come on. I’ll drive.”
He gestures toward the passenger side, already moving to open the door for you. “Um…actually,” you start, shifting your weight from one foot to the other. “Raincheck? I kinda just feel like staying in tonight.”
Jake’s hand stills on the car door for half a second before he nods. “Cool, then I’ll take you to my place.”
You bite the inside of your cheek. “No. I think I’d rather just stay home.” You say softer now, shaking your head slightly.
His brows pull together just a fraction. “Home?”
“Yeah,” you say quickly, filling the space before he can. “Manon’s leaving soon, remember? That F1 thing in Miami? I haven’t really gotten to hang out with her before she goes so I just…I wanna spend some time with her.”
The lie comes out smoother than it should. You don’t mention that she’s probably already half-packed, that she’ll be out the door early tomorrow, that “spending time” really just means existing in the living room watching The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives together before retreating into your room to shower. Maybe use TikTok for a bit before crawling to your laptop to open the same document of your novel that hasn’t seen real progress in weeks.
Jake doesn’t need to know any of that though.
You watch as his tongue presses into the inside of his cheek, something tightening in his jaw as he exhales quietly through his nose. “____,” he says, and there’s a shift in it now. “Seriosuly?”
You blink at him, feigning confusion. “What?”
He lets out a short breath, pushing the car door closed. The soft thud echoes a little louder than it should between you. “Why don’t you like coming to my place?”
You straighten slightly, defensive before you can stop yourself. “I do like your place.”
“Okay, then why does it feel like you avoid it?”
“I don’t avoid it,” you shoot back, adjusting your bag again just to have something to do with your hands. “Jake, I just said I’m tired. I wanna go home.”
His gaze doesn’t waver. “So come home with me.”
You exhale, slower this time, trying to keep the moment from tipping over into something else. “Jake…”
“Why won’t you move in?” he asks, more direct now, finally naming what this is realy about.
“Can we not do this today? I just got off work, Jake. I’m tired.” You sigh.
He shakes his head immediately. “No ____, because every time I try, you shut me down.”
“I don’t shut you down,” you say quickly.
His eyes widen just slightly, like he can’t believe you’re actually going to pretend that. “You don’t?” he repeats, incredulous now. “You brushed it off last week. You brushed it off the week before that. Every time I bring up anything about us moving forward, you throw up these impenetrable walls!” he gestures vaguely toward you, frustration bleeding through.
You roll your eyes. “That’s not what I’m doing.”
“Then what is it? Because I don’t understand what this is supposed to be anymore.” He presses.
You cross your arms over yourself, more to shield than anything else. “You’re making it into something it’s not.”
His jaw tightens. “Am I?”
You shrug, ready to dismiss him and this conversation but he speaks up again. “Is this about that guy in your memory box? In the polaroid?”
Your head snaps up, irritation flaring instantly. “Why are you bringing him up again? I told you he’s nothing!” The irony of your words are not lost on you.
“Because you clearly still feel something for him!” he fires back, matching your energy now, all the patience he’s been holding onto slipping. “You don’t react like that over someone who’s ‘nothing,’ ____!”
You let out a disbelieving laugh, shaking your head like he’s the one being unreasonable. “You’re reaching.”
“Am I?” he pushes, voice rising just slightly. “Because from where I’m standing you’re looking really fucking guilty!”
You roll your eyes, already turning away from him like that’s the end of it. “This conversation is over,” you mutter over your shoulder, digging back into your bag as you head for your building.
“____.” He calls. You ignore it.
Your fingers close around your keys, finally finding them at the bottom and you pull them free. “Don’t walk away from me!” Jake booms from behind you.
You continue up the steps, not giving into the way he baits you. You clench your jaw as you reach for the lock on your door when he yells out again. “Why won’t you just choose me!?”
Unable to keep a hold on your cool, you whirl around, anger rising faster than you can contain it, words already spilling before you can catch them. “Because you’re not him!”
You gasp the second you finish your sentence. There’s no way you just said that. “Fuck—” you breathe, your voice breaking as your eyes widen. “Jake, wait—I didn’t mean that, I didn’t—”
Only problem with that is that you did mean it and Jake knows. “Yeah. You did.”
The calmness of his response is worse than anything else he could’ve done or said. You take a step toward him, panic rising now, hands half-lifted like you can fix it if you just say the right thing. “No, Jake, listen to me—”
He wastes no time in turning away from you and heading to his car without another word. You hurry after him, heart racing reaching for the passenger side. “Jake! Please! just let me explain—”
You try tugging the door open but the handle doesn’t budge, he’s locked the car. You look up just in time to see him start the engine, his gaze fixed straight ahead, not even sparing you a glance. “Jake!”
He doesn’t stop. The car pulls away from the curb in one smooth motion, tires scraping slightly against the pavement as he accelerates, merging into traffic and away from you. You swallow hard, your vision blurring just slightly as everything starts to catch up all at once.
For a second, you’re still facing the street like he might come back if you just stand there long enough but the space he left behind stays empty, cars passing through like nothing happened. You step back from the curb slowly, your footing uneven as you make your way toward your building.
The world around you keeps moving, people pass, a couple across the street glances over before quickly looking away, your neighbor lingers by the front steps a little too long before pretending to check her phone.
Heat creeps up your neck at the fact that she definitely heard but you don’t have it in you to care. Not really. You adjust the strap of your bag on your shoulder and try to feign normalcy. Your phone buzzes in your hand, dragging your attention down to the screen.
It’s an email. The subject line almost knocks the remaining air from your lungs.
Subject line: English 102 – Letter to the Future, ____.
For a second, you just stare at it. You almost ignore it. You almost shove your phone back into your bag and deal with…everything else first but your curiosity wins out and your thumb moves before you can think too hard about it.
There’s a short message from your old professor explaining that the letters were scanned and sent out now that everyone has graduated, a small note about reflection and growth and how she hopes you’ve become everything you once wrote about.
Your chest tightens slightly as you scroll. Before you is a scanned copy of your own handwriting. You sink down onto your front steps without really deciding to, your bag slipping from your shoulder as you bring the screen closer to read.
Hi…me?
This feels weird. I don’t even know how to start this without sounding dumb but I guess that’s kind of the point? You’re probably not the same person writing this anymore so…hi. I hope you’re okay….I hope you’re happy.
Right now I feel like everything is just starting. Like I finally made it somewhere I’ve been dreaming about for years. New York still doesn’t feel real, like I’m going to wake up and be back home again lol.
Did we stay? Please tell me we stayed.
Also…did we write it? Our book? I keep telling everyone I’m going to be a New York Times bestselling author one day and they all nod like I’m insane or don’t have what it takes. I think I do though. I think I have it in me. I just hope you didn’t give up on that.
Oh! And Manon, are we still friends? She’s literally my favorite person right now. We keep joking about living together after graduation like it’s a given. Did we actually do it? Because I feel like we would be so good at it. Does Sohee come to visit like he says he will? Does he freeload and steal our food before offering to pay us by singing old Justin Bieber?
There’s a pause in the letter. You can see it in the way your handwriting dips slightly, like you hesitated even back then.
Anton…I don’t know why I’m even writing about him but…he’s really nice. Like, really nice. Being around him makes me…happy. There’s something about him, I don’t know. Anyway, I feel like he’s going to do something big one day. I don’t know what yet but I know he has it in him. I hope he accomplishes all of it.
I hope we stay close.
Your vision blurs before you even realize you’re crying. The girl who wrote this…she sounds so sure…so hopeful. So painfully unaware of everything that would come after. You let out a shaky breath, your hand coming up to cover your mouth as the tears finally spill over, sliding down your cheeks before you can stop them.
You don’t even notice the second email come in right away. It’s only when the ding sounds and your phone buzzes again, sharp against your palm, that your eyes flick to the top of the screen.
Subject line: English 102 – Letter to the Future, Anton Lee.
Your breath stutters. For a second, you think it has to be some kind of mistake, a glitch. Maybe your professor sent things out in bulk and accidentally attached the wrong file to the wrong name.
You tap it anyway.
The screen shifts and there his handwriting sits. Neater than yours and slightly slanted. You can almost see him again, hunched over his notebook in that classroom, chewing on his pencil, tapping it against the page while he thought too hard about the assignment. You start reading.
It’s kind of funny how we’re supposed to capture something meaningful in a letter like this. As if we can freeze a version of ourselves in time and trust that it’ll still make sense years from now. I don’t think it works like that.
I think people change too fast for that. Or maybe not fast enough. Maybe we just carry different versions of ourselves at the same time and pretend they don’t contradict each other.
Right now, I feel like I’m somewhere in between a lot of things. Not really who I was when I first got here but not fully who I’m supposed to be yet either. People talk about “finding yourself” like it’s a destination, like one day you just wake up and everything clicks into place. I don’t think that’s real. I think it’s more like…you keep going and hope you recognize yourself along the way.
Freshman year is almost over and it already feels like something I won’t ever get back. Not in a sad way. Just in a…you don’t realize how important something is until you’re already moving past it kind of way.
Like how certain days feel bigger than others for no reason. Or how certain people do.
Your breath catches before you even get to the next line.
I think you’re one of those people for me. I didn’t expect that.
If I’m being honest, I didn’t expect to get this attached to anyone here. I’ve never really been good at that. Not in a cold way, I don’t think. Just…sometimes it feels like people experience things in a way I can’t fully reach. Like there’s always a small gap between what they feel and what I understand but with you, it’s different. Or at least it feels different.
You swallow hard.
I don’t know how to explain it without sounding like I’m overthinking something simple but I think about you more than I probably should. Not in a weird way. (Okay, maybe a little in a weird way.)
A broken laugh escapes you through your tears.
I think about the way you talk about things you love, the way you only ever read hard copy versions of books. The way you get frustrated when people don’t take writing seriously. The way you appreciate the more sentimental things life has to offer.
It makes me want to listen. Even when I don’t understand half of it. I don’t know what happens after this year. I don’t know what happens after any of this, actually.
Everyone keeps asking those big questions like where we’re going, what we’re becoming, what the point of all of this is supposed to be and I don’t have an answer. I don’t think anyone really does.
But I do know this: I’m really glad I met you.
Tears slip faster down your cheeks, dripping onto your screen.
I almost didn’t, which is the craziest part. (crazy am i right?)
If Sohee hadn’t dragged me to your door that day, I probably would’ve just…kept walking and you would’ve just been another person in the hallway. Someone I passed by without thinking twice.
And now I can’t imagine this year without you in it. I don’t know if I’ll ever say any of this out loud. I feel like I won’t. Not because I don’t want to but because I don’t know if I’m supposed to.
There’s a version of this where I tell you and everything changes. Maybe for the better, maybe not. And there’s another version where I don’t say anything and I get to keep what we already have. I think I’m a little selfish when it comes to that.
So if you’re reading this and I never told you…I think I liked you. No
The word is scratched out slightly, like he went back over it.
I know I did. I just didn’t know what to do with it. Maybe by the time you’re reading this, I figured it out. Maybe I told you and we laughed about how obvious it was. Maybe we tried. Maybe we didn’t. Maybe we’re still in each other’s lives in some way that makes sense.
And if we’re not…then I hope you’re still writing. I hope you didn’t let anything or anyone convince you to stop. I hope you became everything you said you would, even if it looks different than you imagined.
And I hope, in some small way, I was part of that version of your life. You were my favorite part of this year. I think you might be my favorite part of college.
And if I never got the chance to say it properly…then just know I would’ve chosen you.
The sob hits you before you can brace for it.
It tears out of your chest, sharp and broken, your whole body folding forward as if the weight of it all finally catches up to you at once. Your phone slips slightly in your grasp but you don’t let go, your fingers tightening around it like it’s the only thing keeping you tethered to reality.
“Fuck—” you choke, dragging in a breath that doesn’t quite fill your lungs. Your shoulders shake, your head dropping as tears fall freely now.
You walked away. You walked away from him.
From every version of him that tried quietly, stubbornly and consistently to meet you where you were too scared to stand. The freshman who hoped you’d stay close, the sophomore who fell for you in all the ways possible, the junior who asked you to stop pretending and the senior who laid everything out and still chose you.
“____?”
A soft calling of your name cuts through your self deprecating thoughts. You don’t look up right away, too far gone. It’s only when you feel a shift beside you that you finally blink through your tears to find Manon perched beside you on your stoop.
She sets her bag down beside her and just looks at you for a second, taking you in, your tear-streaked face and your trembling hands. “You got the letter?” she asks gently.
You hiccup, the sound catching in your throat as your brows knit together. “W-what? H-how did you—”
Manon exhales softly, leaning her elbows onto her knees. “I got mine at dinner.” She folds her hands before continuing. “Anton told me he wrote to you.”
Your head snaps toward her. “What?”
She shrugs one shoulder, nudging her bag further aside with her foot. “Beginning of sophomore year.” she adds.
“He—” you start then stop because what is there to even say to that?
Manon watches you carefully for a second longer before letting out a quiet breath. She leans back slightly, bracing her hands against the step behind her. “Are you finally done running?” she asks.
The question lands like a slap to the face. For a moment, you don’t answer. You just stare at the ground between your feet, your tears slowing but not stopping, your mind replaying everything at once.
Manon doesn’t fill the silence, lets you sit in it however uncomfortable it may be. For the first time in two years, you don’t deflect. “I didn’t know…I didn’t know he—” your throat tightens again, cutting you off.
Manon hums quietly. “Yeah, you did.” She says.
You flinch slightly at that. She softens almost immediately, nudging your knee with hers. “Maybe not like this but…you knew.” She amends, nodding toward your phone.
You don’t argue. Manon exhales, dragging a hand down her face before resting her chin in her palm. “I knew about the two of you before…Sohee knew too, by the way. Maybe not everything but…we knew enough. His feelings weren’t exactly subtle.”
A weak, humorless laugh escapes you. “I thought we were so slick.”
“Please,” she snorts lightly. “Everyone could see it except you.”
You shake your head, more tears slipping free. “That’s not…”
“It is. I’ve been watching you self-sabotage for two years.” She cuts in frimly.
The words sting. Not because they’re harsh but because they’re true. “I got frustrated,” she admits after a beat, her tone quieter now.
“Watching you push him away then get mad when he didn’t stay exactly where you left him. Watching you settle for…less.” She gestures vaguely, she doesn’t even need to say Jake’s name.
Your gaze drops as you think about every time she defended Anton during senior year. Every time she looked at you like she was trying to understand why you kept choosing the harder option.
“I should’ve stopped you…with Jake I mean. I knew you didn’t love him the way you loved..the way you love Anton.”
You don’t deny it. You sniff, wiping at your face with the back of your hand as you look away, the street lights blurring together in front of you. The two of you sit in silence for a beat before Manon speaks up again.
“...I still talk to him.”
Your head turns so fast it almost hurts. “What?”
Manon shrugs, like she expected that reaction. “Not all the time but...yeah. We keep in touch. Sohee too.”
“He’s…okay?” you ask.
She nods. “He’s good. Booked and busy. Music stuff is actually going really well.”
You smile, at least he accomplished his dreams. Manon studies your face for a second before reaching into her bag, pulling out her phone. “Actually…” she hesitates then unlocks it, scrolling for a moment. “There’s something you should hear.”
She taps her screen then turns it slightly so you can see. “It’s his latest release, he sent it to me two nights ago.”
You look at the title and your heart constricts all over again. Before You Leave Me.
Manon presses play and you listen with baited breath. You don’t make it past the first verse before your vision blurs again.
Darling, handle me with care
Cover me in bubble wrap
I’m scared you really mean it
That you’re never comin’ back
Your chest caves in slowly, your hand tightening around your phone as the next lines play.
Know I can’t change your mind
But how could you just leave like that?
Manon doesn’t say anything beside you. She just lets it play, lets it sink in. The chorus hits and it feels like it knocks the air out of your lungs completely.
Just give me one more night
Hold me like you’re still mine
Oh, love me for right now
Before you leave me
You squeeze your eyes shut but it only makes it worse. The memory overlaps with the sound, his arms around you, his voice against your skin, the way he held you like he already knew you were going to go. Like he was asking for something you were never going to give him.
I know it’s gonna hurt
Watching your footsteps turn
So, love me for right now
Before you leave me
Your shoulders shake as the realization settles in. He knew. Some part of him knew. Even that night when he was laying there with you, when he was telling you about brownstones and writing and staying, he knew you might still walk away but he loved you anyway.
You drag in a shaky breath, pressing your palm harder against your mouth. “Stop.” You beg Manon, turning away from her. “Turn it off!”
She complies right away. The music cuts off mid-line, the silence that follows almost louder than the song itself. “I can’t—” you choke, dragging a hand down your face. “I can’t listen to that. I can’t!”
“Okay. Then what can you do?” She asks.
You blink at her, thrown off by the shift. “What?” you rasp.
“What can you do, ____?” she repeats, leaning forward now, elbows braced against her knees. “Because I’ve watched you do this for two years. Self destruct and wait for the damage to pass by.”
Your brows knit together, a weak shake of your head already forming. “That’s not—”
“You don’t get to sit here and act like this blindsided you. None of this is new. The only thing that’s new is that you can’t pretend you didn’t know anymore.”
“That’s not fair,” you mutter.
“No. It’s not. That’s the point.” She rebuttals.
She softens slightly. “You knew he loved you and instead of meeting him there, you made him work for it then punished him by walking away. You don’t get to fall apart like this and act like you’re helpless in all of it. You made choices too.”
“I was scared,” you admit, barely above a whisper.
“I know,” Manon says.
Nothing is said beyond that. After minutes of sitting in silence, Manon pats your leg softly. “His number hasn’t changed.”
She doesn’t linger after that. Manon pushes herself up, brushing her hands against her dress before reaching down to grab her bag. She pauses for half a second, like she might say something else but whatever it is, she decides against it. Instead, she gives your knee one last squeeze then she turns and heads inside, the door clicking shut behind her, leaving you alone on the step.
You sit there a moment longer, your phone still in your hand, his letter open on the screen waiting for you to do something with it. Your chest still aches and your eyes still sting but you sniff once and remind yourself you caused this pain.
You look down at your phone again and swipe out of the email, not wanting to face it anymore. Tonight, you need to forget it all. You inhale slowly and push yourself up from the steps. Your legs feel a little unsteady at first but you adjust, sliding your bag back onto your shoulder and wiping at your face with the sleeve of your jacket.
You walk aimlessly down the street back towards the subway entrance. You swipe your metro car and step onto the platform, the train arrives in five minutes. You get on, not thinking of the destination, just letting your feet carry you.
Your mind drifts, your thoughts looping through everything that’s just happened; Jake’s face, Manon’s words, the letter, the song…Anton. You stare out the window as the train carries you further and further into the city.
Eventually, the train slows and the doors slide open. You step out onto the platform you haven’t stood on in a while, the familiarity hitting you in a way that feels almost disorienting. Your feet move before you can second guess it, carrying you up the stairs and out onto the street.
You walk and walk and walk. You don’t stop until you’re standing in front of phebes. The neon sign flickers faintly above the door, the same way it always did. You can hear the music from outside, muffled but familiar.
For a second you just stand there taking it all in. You haven’t visited NYU since graduation, haven’t made it to this side of town since you left Anton. You push down the thought the second you push open the door. Inside, it’s exactly how you remember. Dim lighting, sticky floors and music just loud enough to drown out your thoughts if you let it. The layout hasn’t changed.
You slide onto a stool at the bar without hesitation. The bartender who approaches you isn’t one you recognize. “What can I get you?”
You don’t hesitate. “Two shots of don julio, keep the tab running.”
The bartender nods, already reaching for the bottle. He pours quickly and slides the small glasses toward you with a dish of lime wedges. You grab the first shot and lick the salt rim before tossing the tequila back in one smooth motion. You suck in a breath through your teeth, chasing it with the lime, blinking hard as your eyes water.
“Rough night?” the bartender asks, seemingly unfazed.
You let out a humorless snort, setting the empty glass down a little harder than you mean to. “Try two years.”
He pauses for half a second, caught off guard by the honestly then offers a small awkward smile. “Yeah…that’ll do it,” he mutters, already stepping away to tend to someone further down the bar.
You don’t watch him go, you just reach for the second shot. This one goes down easier. Or maybe you just don’t care as much. Either way, you welcome the burn. You exhale slowly, fingers wrapping around the empty glass as you start to twirl it against the bartop. Your mind won’t stop.
Jake. Manon. The letter. The song. Anton.
You’re already lifting your hand to signal for another when the stool beside you scrapes softly against the floor. Your jaw tightens at the new presence, irritation flaring up faster than it should. It’s barely five pm on a Thursday, the place is practically empty. There are a dozen other open seats and this asshat chooses the one right next to you? Seriously?
You roll your eyes, turning fully now, already halfway into telling them to move. “Excuse me,”
The words die the second they leave your mouth and your eyes catch sight of who the stranger is. Sat before you is none other than Anton Lee.
For a split second, he looks just as caught off guard as you feel. His brows lift slightly, his posture stilling like he wasn’t expecting this either. It’s gone as quick as it came.
Your eyes tear away from his gaze to take him in greedily, trying to make up for two years worth of absence. His hair is longer now, falling around his face and dyed a deep auburn. It’s styled back enough to show his forehead.
Your gaze drops. His gold chain is still there, resting against his collarbone. The same Lange & Söhne Odysseus sits at his wrist. He’s dressed simply, jeans and a henley, sleeves pushed up to expose his forearms.
Your eyes lift back to his face. You find him staring at you too, like he was inventorying all the new details about you. Anton’s lips curve into a gentle smile despite everything that sits between you.
One careless sentence leaves Anton wondering if, in another life, you would've chosen him. wc.2.3k
friends to lovers, anton being sad, but ends with fluff!
authors note: wrote this inbetween working on a long Sungchan fic! hopefully it can come out next week,, the perks of summer and no job lol
The living room is crowded in the comfortable, messy way it always gets when everyone finally has time to hangout.
Takeout containers are spread across the coffee table, someone left a half-open bag of chips on the floor, and the TV is playing something no one is actually watching. The guys are scattered everywhere --on the couch, on the rug, leaning against the wall.
You’re curled up in the corner of the couch with your legs tucked under you, absentmindedly eating fries from the container in your lap.
Eunseok and Sungchan are arguing about something pointless again. Sohee keeps throwing in comments that only make it worse. Wonbin is scrolling through his phone but still somehow involved in the conversation. Shotaro is laughing at everything.
Anton is sitting on the floor with his back against the couch near your feet, arms loosely draped over his knees.
It’s comfortable. Loud, but comfortable.
At some point the conversation drifts the way it always does when everyone is bored and has nothing better to do. What if questions…
“What do you think would’ve happened if we weren’t idols?” Sungchan suddenly asks, pointing a fry at the group like he’s hosting a talk show.
Shotaro laughs immediately. “We definitely wouldn’t all know each other.”
The question hangs in the air, though, and everyone starts tossing out guesses.
“I would’ve stayed in Japan,” Shotaro says.
“Sungchan would’ve still been tall and annoying somewhere,” Sohee adds.
“Hey!”
Wonbin says he probably would’ve still done music. Eunseok claims he would’ve ended up in school somewhat normal.
Then Sohee glances up from his phone like something just occurred to him.
“Wait,” he says slowly. “Anton would’ve still been in New Jersey.”
Anton shrugs lightly. “Probably.”
You glance down at him for a second before looking back at the others.
Sohee’s eyes shift between the two of you.
“Actually,” he adds, sitting up a little straighter, “you and Y/N both wanted to go to NYU, right?”
Anton lifts his head slightly.
You blink, surprised the conversation somehow landed on you.
“Yeah,” you say after a second, letting out a small laugh. “I guess.”
“See?” Sohee points between the two of you. “You would’ve met anyway.”
You shake your head immediately.
“Honestly… probably not.”
A few of them look at you.
“Why not?” Sungchan asks.
You lean back against the couch cushion, thinking about it for a moment.
“I mean… think about it,” you say. “Anton would’ve still been swimming.”
Anton glances up again, quietly listening.
“You would’ve been on the swim team,” you continue, looking down at him briefly before gesturing vaguely with your hand. “Which means practices, competitions, teammates… all the athlete stuff.”
You give a small shrug.
“You probably would’ve been around the sports crowd. Frats, parties, that whole thing.”
“Yeah, that sounds like Anton.” Eunseok Laughs sarcastically.
Anton doesn’t react, just keeps listening.
“And me?” you continue. “I would’ve been somewhere in the arts building.”
You laugh softly at yourself.
“Probably doing something like design or art or something random like that. Sitting in studios all day.”
Your fingers play with the edge of the fry container as you talk.
“I’m not a sports person at all,” you admit. “Like… at all.”
A few of them laugh.
“So we probably would’ve just been in completely different worlds on the same campus,” you finish.
“Big school,” you add.
You shrug lightly.
“We probably would’ve just… walked past each other or something.”
There’s a brief pause before Sungchan laughs.
“Wow. That’s kind of sad.”
The conversation shifts almost immediately after that.
Sungchan starts arguing that fate would’ve made it happen anyway. Sohee insists that Anton would’ve made friends with everyone regardless. Shotaro somehow turns it into another ridiculous debate.
The room fills with noise again.
But Anton stays quiet.
He’s still sitting on the floor in front of the couch, arms loosely resting on his knees.
His expression doesn’t change much, but his gaze drops slightly. For a moment he just stares at the carpet, thinking. The idea sits heavier with him than you meant it to.
You said it so casually.
But all he hears is that in another life --one where the group didn’t exist-- you probably wouldn't even like him.
He presses his lips together briefly before smoothing his expression out.
You laugh at something Sungchan says, but your attention drifts back down for a second.
Anton hasn't added a single comment.
Normally he would've argued with Sungchan just to make things worse, or quietly corrected one of the guys. Even if he wasn't the loudest person in the room, he was always listening, always smiling at something.
Now he's just... quiet.
You nudge the side of his shoulder lightly with your sock-covered foot.
"You alive down there?"
He looks over his shoulder, blinking as if you pulled him out of his thoughts.
"Hm?"
"You've been weirdly quiet."
A small smile appears on his face, but it doesn't quite reach his eyes.
"I'm just listening."
You frown at his response.
Anton just shrugs.
"I'm tired."
No one questions it.
Schedules had been busy lately. Everyone looked exhausted.
The conversation moves on again almost immediately.
Still...
Something about his answer doesn't sit right with you.
.✦ ݁˖.✦ ݁˖.✦ ݁˖
About half an hour later, Sohee suggests ordering dessert.
"I'm craving ice cream."
"You are always craving ice cream," Wonbin says.
"And?"
"I'm in," Shotaro says, already grabbing his phone.
Everyone starts throwing out suggestions, arguing over flavors louder than they had over the hypothetical 'what if' conversation.
You glance toward Anton.
"What about you?"
He doesn't even look at the menu.
"I'm okay."
"So you don't want anything?"
He shakes his head.
"Nah."
You stare at him for another second.
Usually he'd split something with you.
Without really thinking about it, you tell Shotaro, "Just get one extra scoop."
Anton looks up.
"For what?"
"You'll end up eating mine anyway."
For just a second, his expression softens into something more familiar.
"...Maybe."
It's quiet. Almost automatic.
Then, as if he realizes what he just admitted, he looks away again.
The smile disappears.
You frown slightly.
That was... strange.
You can't put your finger on why.
You don't know why Anton feel this far away when he's sitting less than a foot from you.
Before anyone can settle on flavors, Anton pushes himself off the floor.
"I'm gonna grab something from my room."
No one really reacts.
"Bring me back my charger!" Sohee calls after him.
Anton gives a small wave over his shoulder without looking back.
"Yeah."
A few seconds later his bedroom door clicks shut.
The conversation in the living room picks right back up. Mint chocolate chip versus cookies and cream.
You try to pay attention.
You really do.
But your eyes keep drifting toward the hallway.
Finally, you set your fry container down.
"I'm gonna go see if he actually grabbed the charger."
Sohee doesn't even look up from his phone.
"He probably forgot already."
You laugh softly.
"That's what I'm worried about."
No one questions it.
You make your way down the hallway and stop outside Anton's room.
The door is almost closed.
You knock lightly against the frame.
"...Anton?"
"Yeah?"
You push the door open just enough to peek inside.
He's sitting in his desk chair, slowly spinning from one side to the other with his phone in his hands.
He isn't doing anything on it.
Just staring at the screen.
"You forgot the charger already, didn't you?" you ask.
He looks over.
"...Yeah."
You smile a little.
"I knew it."
Walking farther into the room, you pick the charger up from where it's sitting on his desk and hold it out toward him.
Instead of taking it, he just sighs.
"You can give it to him."
Your smile fades.
"...Are you okay?"
"I'm fine."
"You've said, 'I'm fine,' and 'I'm tired' about six times tonight."
"I'm just tired."
"You don't sound tired."
He looks away.
"You sound... upset."
"I'm not."
"You are."
"I'm not."
You cross your arms.
"Anton."
Silence.
"Did I do something?"
His head lifts immediately.
"What?"
"Did I say something? Are you mad at me?"
He shakes his head a little too quickly.
"No."
"Then what's wrong?"
"Nothing."
You stare at him.
He refuses to meet your eyes.
The room falls quiet.
The muffled voices from the living room drift down the hallway, but neither of you says anything.
Finally, you let out a small sigh.
"If you don't tell me, I'm just going to keep bugging you."
A tiny laugh escapes him.
"...I know."
"So tell me."
He rubs a hand over his face before leaning back in his chair.
"It's stupid."
"I'll decide that after you tell me."
Another long pause.
Then, so quietly you almost miss it, he says,
"...When you said we probably never would've talked."
You blink.
"...What?"
"If we went to NYU."
Your stomach drops a little.
"I just..."
He lets out a quiet breath through his nose.
"I kept thinking about it."
"You said we'd probably walk past each other."
"I didn't mean anything by—"
"I know."
He cuts you off gently.
"I know you didn't."
His fingers tighten slightly around his phone.
"But I kept wondering..."
He finally looks up at you.
His expression is smaller than you've ever seen it.
"...Why?"
You frown.
"What do you mean?"
"If we'd met there..."
He swallows.
"...why wouldn't you like me?"
The question hangs in the air.
Not defensive.
Not angry.
Just genuinely confused.
As though he's been turning it over in his head ever since you said it.
You stare at him, completely caught off guard.
"...Anton..."
"I know it sounds dumb," he says quickly, looking away again. "I know that's not what you meant."
"But it's all I could think about."
You stare at him for a moment.
"...Anton."
He doesn't look back at you.
"I know," he mumbles. "It's a dumb question."
"It isn't."
"It is."
"It isn't."
His shoulders lift in a small shrug.
"I just..." He lets out a quiet laugh, embarrassed with himself. "I kept replaying it."
"When you said we'd probably just walk past each other. I know that's not what you meant. I know you weren't trying to be mean."
"But..." His fingers tighten around the edge of his phone. "...I couldn't stop wondering why."
You step a little closer.
"Anton."
He finally looks up.
His eyes meet yours for only a second before drifting away again.
"I mean..." he says quietly. "Is there something different about idol me?"
"What?"
He laughs softly through his nose.
"You know me now."
"You like hanging out with me now."
"So I just kept thinking..." He swallows. "...if we met before all of this..."
His voice gets quieter.
"...why wouldn't you like me?"
Your heart squeezes.
You hadn't realized he'd taken your words so personally.
Without really thinking about it, you reach over and gently take the phone out of his hands before setting it on the desk beside him.
His eyes follow your movement before looking back up at you.
"Look at me."
He does.
"You completely misunderstood me."
"I did?"
You nod.
"I wasn't saying I wouldn't like you."
"I was saying..." You smile sheepishly. "...I probably would've been too scared to talk to you."
His eyebrows knit together.
"...Me?"
"Yes, you."
He lets out the tiniest laugh.
"I don't believe that."
You smile.
"It's true."
"You would've been this really tall swimmer at NYU. Probably walking around with your gold medal teammates. I would've looked at you and immediately thought, 'Yeah... there's no way he'd ever talk to me.'"
Anton blinks.
"You would've thought that?"
"I would've been terrified."
"I'm not scary."
"You aren't now."
You poke him lightly in the arm.
He smiles despite himself.
"I would've walked right past you."
"Exactly."
"And then I would've gone and asked my friends about you."
Anton actually laughs this time.
A real laugh.
The kind that makes his shoulders relax.
"You would've talked about me?"
You pause.
"...Probably."
His smile grows.
"What would've you said?"
You pretend to think.
"'He's really cute.'"
His entire expression freezes.
Heat rushes to your face.
"I mean—"
"I was speaking hypothetically."
Anton is staring at you.
"...You would've thought I was cute?"
You hide your face in your hands.
"Oh my gosh."
"I didn't say that."
"You literally just did."
"I said hypothetically!"
He can't stop smiling now.
"So... hypothetical me was cute?"
You groan.
"Anton."
"Hm?"
"You are never letting me live this down, are you?"
"No."
He grins, softer now.
"I don't think I am."
Anton looks at you for a long second before speaking.
"...Can I tell you something?"
You lower your hands.
"What?"
He smiles to himself before looking down at the floor.
"I don't think we would've walked past each other."
"You don't?"
He shakes his head.
"No."
"If I saw you..."
He hesitates, suddenly looking almost shy.
"...I would've come up with literally any excuse to talk to you."
You blink.
"Really?"
"Probably something stupid like, 'Hey, do you know where this building is?'"
"'Or can I borrow a pencil?'"
He laughs quietly.
"It would've been obvious."
You feel your heart skip.
"So..."
"You would've talked to me?"
He looks back at you with the smallest smile.
"I think I would've spent the rest of college trying to make you like me."
Neither of you says anything after that.
You just stare at each other.
Neither of you notices the knock on the door until Sohee pushes it open.
"...Why are you two looking at each other like that?"
The two of you jump apart so quickly it almost looks rehearsed.
"We're not," you both say at the exact same time.
Sohee narrows his eyes.
"...Right."
"The ice cream's melting."
He leaves, still looking suspicious.
The second the door closes, you and Anton glance at each other again.
the house was silent, enveloped by that unique calm that early morning brings. you stirred in bed, reaching out to his side… empty. you frowned, half asleep, before rising quietly. the dim light escaping from under the study door guided you. you walked barefoot, shuffling a bit until you carefully opened it.
and there he was, in a gray sweatshirt slung over one shoulder, disheveled and with his eyes fixed on the screen of the program where he was composing. his leg was moving rhythmically, his brow slightly furrowed, but his expression was changing with each note he was trying out. he looked so focused that you almost felt like interrupting him.
until he turned around.
his gaze softened as soon as he saw you, and he smiled thinly.
“i couldn't sleep,” he mumbled, taking off one of his headphones.
you didn't say anything. you just walked over to him and, without asking permission-because you didn't need to anymore-you sat sideways on his lap, hugging him by the neck.
he let out a little hoarse laugh, tired but happy.
“my night girl,” he whispered against your hair, as his arms wrapped around your waist. his nose brushed your cheek and left a slow, soft kiss.
“you've been here for hours,” you murmured softly, playing with the hem of his sleeve. “i missed you in bed…”
“i missed you too,” he replied. “i just wanted to finish this part…but with you here already, i think i have everything i need.”
another kiss. this time closer to the corner of your lips. then another on your forehead. His hand moved up and down your back, caressing you so calmly that sleep almost returned.
“will you fall asleep with me here for a little while?” you asked, leaning your head on his shoulder.
“no,” he said softly, and just as you were about to answer, he added with a little smile, ”i'll sleep with you…but in bed. come on.”
and he carried you. just like that, as if you weighed nothing, as if it wasn't already dawn, as if the world could wait.
he carried you silently into the bedroom. but instead of leaving you on the bed, he sat you on top of him again, now on his legs, on the edge of the mattress. his hands stayed on your waist, firm, and his eyes roamed over you as if he was seeing you for the first time that night.
“do you know how hard it's to concentrate when i know you're just a few steps away from me… in your pajamas… in our bed?” he whispered, in that low, almost husky voice that escaped him as desire began to mix with affection.
you let out a nervous giggle, and he caught it with a kiss.
slow. deep. the kind that steals your breath, that starts soft and gets more desperate as the bodies get closer.
his hand moved, slowly, up your back, slipping under the fabric of your pajamas while the other lingered on your cheek, guiding the kiss as if he didn't want it to escape.
your breathing was already different. faster. more irregular. and he noticed. he always noticed.
“i love you,” he murmured against your lips. “and there isn't a night that goes by that i don't want to hold you like this… close. mine.”
he slid your panties to one side and went down to kiss your neck, with the patience of one who wants to savor every part. you clung to his shoulders, feeling the atmosphere becoming charged with something electric and warm. his sighs, his fingers that marked every centimeter they touched… and the world became just that: him, you, and the desire beating like a secret between your skins.
his lips kept moving down, leaving a trail of lazy kisses on your collarbone while his hands kept caressing your waist with a restrained need.
your heart was beating so loudly you was sure he could hear it.
“i need you close,” he whispered in a tone so low i shivered. ”you don't know how much…”
with an ease that only he had, he lay back taking you with him, trapping you in his arms as if he didn't plan to let you go. your body fit against his so naturally it hurt from how perfect it felt.
his hands, bolder now, crept over your breasts, caressing the bare, sensitive skin of them, pinching your sensitive nipples slowly, savoring every reaction he wrung from you. You moaned low, almost unwillingly, and you felt him smile against your skin.
“like this… stay like this,” he murmured, his voice a rough sigh, as his hand moved down your stomach, making you shiver until he lost himself in your wet heat, with his other hand, pulling you gently to deepen the kiss that was now anything but innocent.
his body, warm, strong, enveloped you completely, and between kiss and caress, he was guiding you, taking you to the edge of vertigo. your fingers clung to his shirt, tugging at it, wanting more. needing more.
his long fingers traced a back and forth over your wet panties, torturously delicious and slowly, you lifted your hips, awash in pleasure, he was making you lose your patience a little, as if he understood your pleas, which you were unable to formulate because of the condition you were in, he pushed aside your panties, focusing on circling over your sensitive clit and occasionally moving down and playing with his fingertips at your very wet entrance.
anton looked down at you, his eyes dark and dilated, and stroked your cheek as if it were something sacred.
“you don't know what you make me feel…” he said, panting slightly as he brushed his forehead against mine. ”you're mine…all mine.”
and then, his lips found yours again, and tangled between sheets, hungry kisses and desperate whispers, letting the night envelop them completely.
summary: y/n's heart has been broken one too many times, and being dumped over her unruly dog max was the last straw. now determined to care for max on her own, how long can this hopeless romantic resist falling for her mysterious yet compassionate neighbor anton especially when he's so good with dogs.
the rain had finally given up after three straight days of turning quezon city into a giant puddle. sidewalks glistened like they’d been polished, air heavy with petrichor and the faint charcoal smoke from someone’s roadside inihaw. you clipped max’s harness with practiced annoyance, he’d already eaten the corner of your favorite throw pillow while you were showering and headed out.
max, golden retriever extraordinaire, trotted ahead like he owned the whole barangay. tail helicopter blades, ears flapping, zero concept of “heel.” your ex’s parting words still echoed sometimes. “he’s too much, y/n. you’re both too much.” you’d stared at the half-empty closet, then at max sprawled across the bed like he belonged there more than anyone ever had. “then leave,” you’d said. he did. max stayed.
two months of single life later, you were still choosing the dog every single day.
the courtyard of your mid-rise condo was quiet tonight, only the drip from aircon units and the distant rumble of edsa traffic. max zeroed in on a suspicious leaf when he suddenly perked ears straight up, body language screaming new friend alert and yanked you toward the wooden bench near the fountain.
someone was already sitting there.
tall. dark oversized hoodie, hood up, earbuds in, legs stretched long. he radiated that rare, unbothered stillness like the universe could be on fire and he’d still just exist quietly. max, never one to read social cues, let out a single delighted woof and launched.
“max, no!” you hauled back, cheeks burning. “sorry, he’s super friendly. too friendly.”
the guy tugged one earbud free. looked up. his eyes were dark and kind, the outer corners crinkling the second a tiny smile appeared.
“it’s cool,” he said, voice low and soft like late-night radio. “i like dogs.”
max was already glued to him. butt wiggling so violently the leash vibrated in your hand. the guy reached down immediately confident but gentle and found the exact ear-scratch spot that turned max into a puddle of happy sighs.
“he’s massive,” the guy murmured. “golden?”
“yep. max. he’s… a full-time job.”
“he’s perfect.” another slow scratch. max flopped onto his back like he’d been waiting his whole life for this exact moment. paws up, tongue lolling, shameless.
you stood there awkwardly holding the leash while this stranger gave your dog VIP treatment. up close he was stupidly pretty sharp jaw, long lashes, dark hair falling into sleepy eyes. the kind of face that made you forget how to blink for a second.
“anton,” he said after a beat, glancing up at you. “4b.”
“y/n. 3c.” you shifted weight. “sorry again. he gets excited around new humans.”
“don’t apologize.” anton’s fingers kept moving in lazy circles through golden fur. “i’ve been missing this. my family’s back in jersey. my old dog choco stayed with them when i moved here for the studio job.”
you nodded. most guys either pretended max didn’t exist or made that tight polite smile that said they were counting the seconds until they could escape. this one was half-kneeling now, giving full belly rubs like it was his civic duty.
max rolled over, nudged anton’s wrist for round two.
“you walk him every night?” anton asked.
“pretty much. otherwise he starts redecorating the apartment. creatively.”
anton laughed, quiet, warm, surprised. “smart. keeps you busy.”
“keeps me broke,” you muttered. “new leashes, new shoes, new sanity monthly subscription.”
he stood up slowly. tall taller than you’d clocked while he was sitting. max immediately leaned his whole weight against anton’s leg like he’d officially been adopted.
“mind if i tag along sometime?” anton asked, rubbing his nape, ears going faintly pink under the courtyard lamp. “courtyard’s nice at night but… kinda lonely. plus.” he nodded at max. “dog withdrawal is real.”
you blinked. “you want to voluntarily walk this chaos gremlin?”
“yeah.” small, shy smile. “if it’s okay.”
something tiny and hopeful flickered in your chest. you stomped it flat immediately. nope. no more. you’d promised yourself after the last heartbreak. max only. no boys. no butterflies. no nothing.
but max was staring up at you with those liquid brown eyes, tail thumping anton’s calf like morse code for pleasepleaseplease.
“…fine,” you said at last. “tomorrow. same time. but if he chews your shoelaces, that’s on you.”
anton’s whole face softened. “deal.”
the next night he was already waiting by the gate same hoodie, but now sporting a little black treat pouch clipped to his waistband like he’d come prepared for battle. max lost every ounce of chill and nearly dislocated your shoulder getting to him.
“brought bribes,” anton said, shaking the pouch. “chicken & rice flavor. vet-approved for sensitive tummies.”
you raised an eyebrow. “you googled his breed’s dietary needs?”
“…maybe.” he looked mildly embarrassed. “i like being prepared.”
you snorted, but your chest felt weirdly warm.
and just like that, the walks became a thing.
every night, 8 p.m. sharp. anton appeared. sometimes with a new rope toy still in plastic. sometimes with his portable speaker playing chill lo-fi he’d produced himself. sometimes just his quiet company and those long-fingered hands that knew exactly how to calm a hyper golden retriever mid-zoomies.
you talked about stupid stuff at first.
his late-night producing sessions in 4b (neighbors never complained because he kept it quiet after 11). your endless battle with freelance deadlines and max’s war on socks. why max despised the vacuum cleaner (it was obviously possessed). how anton once spilled an entire tray of pearl milk tea all over himself during a part-time job in high school.
he never asked about the empty space on your ring finger or why your laugh sometimes cracked when a couple walked by holding hands and matching dog leashes. he just… stayed. matched your pace. let max zigzag between you like living jump rope.
one stormy night you almost bailed.
then your phone lit up.
anton: still down? got the big umbrella. fits three if max behaves.
you met him in the lobby. massive black golf umbrella. when you stepped under it your shoulder brushed his hoodie sleeve. max shook like a wet mop right beside both of you, showering you in droplets.
“perfect,” you groaned, wiping your face. “we’re all soup now.”
“still worth it,” anton said quietly. his eyes were on you, not the rain. “you look cute even when you’re grumbling.”
your heart slammed once, hard. you looked down at max instead. “traitor,” you muttered to the dog.
weeks folded into a month. max started planting himself by the door at 7:55 p.m. every evening, whining like the world was ending until you harnessed him. you caught yourself smiling at nothing remembering the low way anton laughed when max tried to catch raindrops, or how his pinky brushed yours when you both reached for the same treat at the same time.
one sticky, jasmine-scented evening after the longest loop yet, max finally flopped onto the courtyard grass like he’d run a marathon. tongue out, sides heaving happily. you and anton sank onto the bench. thighs touching now. neither of you moved away.
after a comfortable silence, anton spoke, voice barely above the crickets.
“i used to think i sucked at this. people. talking. all of it. too quiet. too… inside my own head.”
you glanced sideways. “you’re pretty good with max.”
“max is safe.” fond smile. “dogs don’t care if you’re awkward. they just want you present.”
he turned to face you properly then. eyes steady. a little scared.
“but you…” he swallowed. “being around you feels easy. like breathing. i didn’t expect that.”
your throat closed. “anton—”
“i’m not asking you to decide anything tonight,” he rushed out. “i just needed to say it. i like our walks. i like seeing your face every night. i like the way you talk to max like he’s a person. and i think—” another swallow. “i think i really like you.”
max lifted his head. looked from you to anton like he was watching a very important tennis match.
every single breakup memory flickered past. the “you’re too intense,” the “i can’t handle the fur everywhere,” the suitcase wheels rolling over your heart. but anton had never once recoiled. he’d researched max’s food sensitivities. bought the durable kong toys. laughed when max stole his beanie and paraded around the courtyard like a king. stayed.
“my last ex left because of max,” you said quietly. “said we were both too much work.”
anton went very still. then he reached over slow, careful and covered your hand with his. warm. steady. faint guitar-string calluses on his fingertips.
“max isn’t too much,” he said simply. “and neither are you.”
you looked up. his eyes were soft, open, terrified in the best way, like he was handing you his heart and hoping you wouldn’t drop it.
you turned your hand over. laced your fingers through his. small. tentative. real.
“okay,” you whispered.
he exhaled like he’d been holding his breath for years. small, relieved smile.
“okay.”
max barked once, sharp, celebratory. tail thumping the grass like drums.
anton laughed under his breath. “that’s a yes?”
“that’s a heck yes,” you said. “he’s been campaigning for team anton since night one.”
“smartest dog alive.” anton leaned in slowly, giving you every chance to back out.
you met him halfway.
the first kiss tasted like relief. like rain that finally stopped. like coffee from the 7-eleven you sometimes split. careful at first, then deeper when you slid your free hand to the back of his neck. he made this quiet, surprised sound against your mouth and pulled you closer.
when you separated, foreheads touching, breathing uneven, max had wedged himself between your sneakers, belly-up, paws dangling like he’d personally orchestrated the entire scene.
“package deal,” you murmured, smiling against anton’s lips.
“best one i’ve ever signed up for,” he whispered back.
the walks stretched longer after that.
slower.
sweeter.
sometimes anton brought his acoustic bass and played quiet riffs while max dozed in a sun patch. sometimes you brought two iced coffees and one straw, passing it back and forth while your pinkies hooked under the table. sometimes it rained and you shared the big umbrella anyway, shoulders pressed, laughing when max tried to catch every drop.
max still destroyed at least one thing per week. you still cursed when he pulled too hard on the leash. anton still showed up every single night, treat pouch full, smile soft, patience endless.
but now there were three shadows under the streetlights instead of two.
and when the next big typhoon rolled in weeks later, flooding half the city and turning the courtyard into a kiddie pool, you didn’t even hesitate.
you: rain walk? or are we calling it?
he appeared twelve minutes later rain jacket, biggest umbrella, shy grin.
under the canopy, rain drumming above, max splashing ahead like it was his personal beach day, anton slipped his hand into yours.
“still worth the wet socks?” he asked, voice almost lost in the downpour.
you looked up wet hair plastered to his forehead, eyes warm despite the cold.
“still the best part of every single day,” you answered.
he stopped walking.
turned.
max tugged once then sat obediently like he understood the assignment.
anton cupped your face with both hands gentle thumbs brushing rain off your cheeks and kissed you slow and deep under the umbrella. tasted like rainwater and chapstick and promises.
when you broke apart he rested his forehead against yours.
“i’m not leaving,” he said quietly. “not because of max. not because of rain. not because of anything.”
you closed your eyes. believed him.
because for the first time in forever the hopeless romantic hiding inside your ribcage didn’t feel pathetic or embarrassing.
she felt safe.
she felt wanted.
and max chaos incarnate, destroyer of pillows, professional third wheel just wagged his tail so hard his whole back end shook.
like he’d known from the very first woof that this was how the story was supposed to end.
three shadows. one umbrella. one very smug golden retriever.
and love messy, loud, tail-wagging love finally feeling like home.
synopsis: who knew a random doom scrolling session could lead you to find the love (?) of your life? lee anton definitely didn't.
› pairings & contents: lee anton of riize x soloist!reader
✧ warnings: the dates mentioned do not reflect real life whatsoever. anton is an overthinker, riize members tease anton, but that's about it. mostly in anton pov!
1 — 2.
april 3rd, 2026
anton wasn't supposed to be watching your vlog.
if anyone asked, he was supposed to be asleep, actually.
the clock beside his bed had already passed one in the morning, and tomorrow's schedule started early enough that even scrolling through social media felt like a bad idea. the dorm was unusually quiet for once. wonbin had disappeared into his room hours ago, sohee's gaming setup was finally silent, and anton had every intention of putting his phone down and getting at least six hours of sleep.
instead, he found himself staring at a twenty-minute vlog from a soloist he had never paid much attention to before.
it wasn't even intentional.
a clip from one of your videos had appeared on his twitter timeline while he was scrolling through fan updates. someone had reposted a funny moment where you were arguing with your manager about coffee.
— "three americanos isn't that bad."
— "yes, it is."
— "for who?"
— "for everyone around you."
the clip ended with you laughing so hard you nearly dropped your camera.
anton had smiled.
then clicked on the original video. that had been nearly an hour ago. now he was three vlogs deep.
most idol vlogs felt polished. carefully edited, including riize's own, he'll admit. everything cuts down to show only the best moments. but yours? yours weren't like that. or maybe they were, but they didn't feel like it. half the footage seemed completely random.
you forgetting your charger.
you accidentally ordering the wrong drink.
you getting lost inside a building you'd apparently visited dozens of times before.
there wasn't anything particularly special happening, and yet anton found himself watching until the very end.
when the video finally finished, youtube immediately recommended another one. he stared at the thumbnail, then clicked it.
just one more.
april 12th, 2026
it became a habit before he realized it was one. whenever a new vlog appeared, he watched it. whenever your company uploaded behind-the-scenes footage, he watched that too.
sometimes it happened after schedules, sometimes during dinner, sometimes at four in the morning when he should have been sleeping & had schedules at 8 AM.
at first he told himself it was because your content was entertaining. like, you were funny — you had the ability to make someone laugh till their stomach hurt, naturally, and to his defense, you're gorgeous too!
but then he decided it was because your videos were relaxing.
eventually he stopped trying to explain it altogether.
he simply looked forward to them.
one afternoon, anton was sitting in the practice room waiting for the others to finish changing when a notification appeared on his phone.
a new vlog uploaded.
YouTube • 2m ago
Y/N'S DIGITAL DIARY
"come get iced coffee w me & talk about nothing & everything! 𖤐"
& his thumb moved before his brain could stop it.
"what are you smiling at?"
anton nearly dropped his phone. sohee sat down beside him, immediately suspicious.
"nothing."
"that's definitely not nothing."
"it's just youtube—."
"whose video?"
anton locked his screen, which, unfortunately, was the worst possible response.
sohee's eyes widened.
"oh."
"what?"
"oh my god."
"what?"
"there's someone."
"there is not."
"there is."
"there isn't."
sohee looked delighted, which was a problem, because the second sohee knew something, everybody knew something.
sure enough, less than five minutes later, anton walked into a room filled with grinning faces.
"hmm i heard our anton has a crush." sungchan teased.
"i don't, hyung! i was just watching youtube before sohee ran w his loud mouth!"
"you do."
"i don't."
"who is she?"
"there's no she, why did you guys assume i was watching a girl's video?!"
wonbin looked up from his phone, with the teasing grin on his face (that briize love)
"there's definitely a she."
anton considered leaving the practice room entirely.
the truth was, he wasn't even sure if it counted as a crush yet. you were still mostly a person on a screen. someone he'd never properly met, someone he only knew through edited videos and short clips, but somehow he'd started noticing little things.
the way you switched between english and korean without thinking.
the way you always thanked staff members, even in subtle moments.
the way your smile changed when something genuinely surprised you.
small things.
ridiculous things.
the kind of details people only noticed when they were paying far too much attention...
and anton was definitely paying too much attention.
april 21st, 2026
the first time he saw you in person felt strangely disappointing. backstage at some mnet thing.
not because you weren't pretty— if anything, you were prettier. fuck, you took his breath away. not because you weren't nice. he hadn't spoken to you long enough to know.
it was disappointing because he suddenly realized how little he actually knew you.
anton was walking through the backstage hallways at music bank when he spotted you.
for a moment he almost didn't recognize you. there was no vlog camera, or your phone in sight.
definitely no cheerful editing, subtitles & background music.
you just looked . . . tired.
your manager was talking about schedule changes while you listened quietly, nodding every few seconds. you weren't laughing. you were just... working. just another idol trying to survive a busy, brutally scheduled day.
something about that realization made his stomach twist. because in all honesty, for weeks, he'd felt like he knew you.
not completely, but enough.
and now, standing twenty feet away, he understood how ridiculous that was.
he didn't know you at all.
he knew videos, he knew edited moments, he knew what you or your company had chosen to show. nothing more.
as if sensing his stare, you glanced up. your eyes met briefly, anton immediately looked away, then mentally kicked himself. when he looked back, you were already approaching.
you stopped a few feet away and offered a polite bow.
"hello, sunbaenim! i'm a big fan of riize!,"your voice sounded exactly the same as it did in your videos. you gave him a smile, the same one you gave to your staff, your fans.
for some reason, that only made him more nervous.
"hello, Y/N-nim,"
smooth. very smooth. awkward, yes, but hopefully smooth? he sounded like he'd forgotten every language he'd ever learned.
thankfully, you smiled again. a small one, but a smile nonetheless. it was friendly. then continued down the hallway, after another polite bow, and anton bowed back.
the interaction lasted maybe three seconds, okay, maybe five.
but anton thought about it for the rest of the week.
may 9th, 2026
your first actual conversation with lee anton happened because of coffee, which felt fitting. anton was waiting in line between rehearsals when he heard a familiar voice nearby.
"i'm serious."
english.
your voice.
— "if i drink another americano this week, i'm pretty sure i'll achieve enlightenment."
anton laughed before he could stop himself.
you turned, recognition immediately crossing your face.
— "you heard that?"
"kind of hard not to."
you glanced down at the iced americano in your hand, then back at him.
"...okay, that's fair."
he laughed again. and suddenly, somehow, talking wasn't difficult anymore.
conversation flowed naturally. honestly, both of you speaking english made it easier, somehow. it was comfortable, familiar, even.
you asked about schedules & lollapalooza. he asked about promotions. one conversation became another, then another, and before anton realized it, the version of you he'd built from months of watching videos had slowly started being replaced by the real thing.
the real you laughed less often than vlog-you, if that makes sense. but when you did laugh, it felt more genuine. the real you got annoyed when you were hungry, which is very valid, the real you complained about schedules, the real you wasn't always cheerful, wasn't always polished.
and shit, he liked that too. truly, anton liked that version far more.
he liked every version of you. the one you were on stage, the one you were in your vlogs and definitely the one you were in real life.
well, fuck.
june 2nd, 2026
the kpop festival in osaka had finally ended. the crowd was gone, it was past 12 AM, the noise had faded. for the first time all day, everything felt quiet. weeks ago, when the lineup was announced and anton saw your name — he knew he had to get closer to you. in whatever way he could.
the universe seemed to be in favor of him.
anton sat beside you backstage while staff rushed around preparing for departure, neither of you had spoken much during the last few minutes.
you looked exhausted, so did he, but neither of you seemed particularly eager to move. your shoulder brushed his, very lightly, accidentally. you should've pulled away when you felt that little friction but neither of you pulled away. anton stared ahead for a moment before glancing sideways, you were already looking at him.
something shifted
it was subtle but impossible to ignore.
the air suddenly felt different, he couldn't explain it, he felt like a crazy person— maybe it was because the two of you had been spending more time together lately. texting & calling counts as spending time, no? you two sent each other memes & tiktoks back and forth, that must count. or maybe it was because your conversations lasted longer now.
or maybe it was because somewhere between random texts and shared coffees and late-night phone calls, anton had stopped pretending this was just a harmless crush.
whatever the reason, looking away suddenly felt impossible.
you smiled first. you were tired but your smile was soft, and oh so fucking beautiful. anton's heart immediately betrayed him. he smiled back at you, his eyes basically pouring with love— love?! whatever!
neither of you said anything, you didn't need to. the silence felt louder than any conversation you'd ever had, and when your gaze dropped briefly to his lips before returning to his eyes, anton forgot what he'd been about to say entirely.
your shoulder remained pressed against his. somewhere in the distance, staff members were calling out instructions, you heard your own manager's voice faintly too. but ofcourse, neither of you paid attention. all anton could think about was how close you were & how easy it would be to close the distance completely.
and judging by the way your breath caught, you were thinking the exact same thing.
"anton." your voice was barely above a whisper, you couldn't help it.
"yeah?"
you opened your mouth.
paused.
then laughed softly.
"nothing."
he didn't believe you, not for a second, but he smiled anyway. for once, he didn't think he needed the answer
not yet, there would be time for that later. hopefully.
and as you continued looking at him like that, neither of you making any effort to look away, anton found himself wondering if maybe this could be something more, something real, anytime soon.
💌 viv's note: sorry for the cliffhanger mwah 🤍🧚♀️
warnings & content — Situationship, friends with benefits, angst, mutual pining, emotional hurt/comfort, unspoken feelings, anton is down bad, reader has commitment issues, mentions of hookups/rebounds, open ending, complicated relationship, university au, MDNI.
note — inspired by "Phases" by PRETTYMUCH, i advise to listen to it while reading it.
This is very different from what i usually write. If u guys like it tell me cause i might make this into a bigger fic.
─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──
Anton swears he has had enough of your phases.
But in the end, he always waits for them to pass.
You and Anton are complicated—always hovering somewhere between friends with benefits, a situationship, and an actual relationship. You met during second year of uni: him, a music major; you, literature. It happened at some random party. You were trying to prove to your friends that you were done with your ex, that you could hook up with a guy and not catch feelings.
The guy? Yeah, it was Anton.
Not that he was a saint either. He'd had his fair share of hookups and was no stranger to one-night stands at random parties. That's where it all started.
I know you're tryin' to do you but I heard you fell off
After a couple bad nights and 20 cold hearts
Tryin' to find a new you but I heard you got lost
Tryin' to figure your worth, what the hell does that cost?
After that night, you kept bumping into each other everywhere on campus. It was like the universe refused to let your hookup be just a one-time thing. After all those coincidences, Anton decided to ask you out on a proper date. That was the official start of it all.
One date turned into another. And those dates suddenly morphed into a situationship—one that neither of you had the guts to turn into a real relationship. So you both decided you were better off as strictly friends with benefits.
What were you so afraid of? You? Of being hurt again. Anton? Of being disregarded again.
You were both a little broken. You just refused to acknowledge it.
When I'm kissing ya, grippin' ya thigh
I realized you are destined and meant to be mine
Who am I to conflict with you living your life?
Just know when you call, I'm at the end of the line
That was until Anton finally got over his fear and admitted to himself that he was in love with you. And with that realization came a painful clarity: he started to notice the phases. Your phases. The rhythm you'd built between the two of you that always went the same way.
You hook up. He tries to talk, to bring up feelings. You shut him out. You both fight and break off the arrangement. Then you go find some other guy to distract yourself with, while he has to watch it all, knowing full well there isn't a guy out there who would treat you the way he could.
I'll practice my patience
While you're getting wasted
'Til fate brings you home
I'll wait through your phases
You'll shuffle through faces
Like songs in your playlist
'Til fate brings you home
I'll wait through your phases
He watches you. And he waits.
He waits for you to go through your phases—the shutting down, the running off, the temporary distractions, the hollow rebounds. He waits for you to learn what he already knows: that in the end, the one for you, your home… was always Anton.
Yeah, I'm really tired of being soft-spoken
You got me broken
Writing songs about you daily and it's messing with my focus
You fucked with him but we both realize that he was bogus
I'm the one for you so why do I feel like I go unnoticed?
Even when you push him away. Even when you swear you're done. Even when you pretend he doesn't matter.
Anton swears he's had enough.
But in the end, he always waits for your phases to end.
For you, I'll wait through your phases, phases
I'll wait, I'll wait
I'll wait through your phases, oh
cw : explicit sexual content! mention of alcohol, kissing, praising, unprotected sex, implied creampie
💌: hello !! it’s been a month LOL sorry for the vv late update </33 i got drowned in acads and it drained the shit out of me 🥲🥲 ++ this fic is inspired by "huling sayaw" by kamikazee so if ur a filo, i do recommend u to listen/check that out 😁(proofread so enjoooy)
Life had been filled with the sounds of keyboard clicks, workmates’ chatter, the low hum of fluorescent lights, and the constant, unseen command of life pushing forward without pause. With deadlines rattling louder than clocks, days slipped into nights lit by the glow of screens and half-finished cups of coffee. For you, the routine dulled everything, blurring the edges of the days into one long, colorless stretch of time.
After a long shift, you decided to head to your go-to ramen house — well, the one you used to be a regular at with your ex-boyfriend, Anton. After getting your order, you scanned the room for a seat… and then you saw him. Anton Lee, your long-time love, and the one you never quite forgot.
He was alone, eating, the steam from his bowl curling faintly in the air. He sat slightly bent forward, as if shielding his food from the world beyond, though his shoulders were broader and his hair was a bit longer than you remembered. But his eyes and his nose, that same familiar face, he was still just as handsome as the day you last saw him. You paused for a heartbeat, the past flashing back in fragments, then took a step forward.
“Is the seat taken, sir?” you asked, offering a tiny smile, your voice soft but your chest tight.
Anton looked up mid-bite, chopsticks still poised in his hand. His eyes widened briefly in surprise before settling into something softer, unreadable.
“You’re… late,” he said, lips curling into a small smile, though his voice carried a hint of hesitation, as if he wasn’t sure this was real.
You slid into the seat across from him, the savory aroma of tonkotsu broth and springy noodles curling warmly between you. “Late for what?” you teased, though your hands fidgeted with the edge of your tray.
He chuckled under his breath, shaking his head. “Never mind. Sit. Eat.”
And suddenly, it felt as if no time had passed — yet every unspoken word hovered between you like the rising steam from ramen.
You caught up with him, sharing stories about where life had taken you both after the breakup, the struggles, the little victories, the lonely nights, and the unexpected joys. Words flowed easily between you, one memory tumbling into the next, until you hardly realized how much time had slipped away. What was meant to be a quick meal stretched into hours, the clatter of dishes around you fading as if the world outside your table no longer existed.
“So… wanna continue this at my apartment?” you asked as the two of you stepped out of the ramen house, your voice carrying a mix of insistence and hesitation.
He didn’t answer right away. Instead, he simply fell into step beside you, the silence between you saying more than words could. The city lights flickered past in a blur, the night air cool against your skin, until the quiet rhythm of your footsteps carried you both to your apartment door.
The moment the two of you settled, you went over to your mini bar and pulled out a bottle of wine. You poured a glass for him, then one for yourself, and handed it over to him with a quiet smile.
The warmth of the wine and your shared familiarity took the conversation back, somewhat softly. Between sips, memories poured out, some grief, some silly, but each one brought you one step closer to the place you believed you had left behind.
The laughter eventually disappeared and Anton's eyes lingered on you for a bit too long. Even before he made a move, you could feel the pressure of the quiet and the unsaid words. He then pressed his lips to yours as he drew closer.
It was just one kiss at first, tentative, testing , but the moment you responded, it deepened. His hand found your jaw, tilting your face toward him, while your fingers curled against his shirt as if afraid to let go. What began as gentle quickly turned into something breathless and urgent, months of longing compressed into a heated make-out on your couch.
He kissed you again, firmly this time, the kind that made you feel dizzy and out of breath. You could sense the strain in his body, the self-control he was hardly able to maintain, as if he was scared to rush but couldn't help but crave more.
A low sound rumbled from his throat against your mouth, sending shivers racing down your spine as your hands slipped higher beneath his shirt, tracing the defined lines of his chest.
"God… you feel so good," he murmured against your lips, voice low and rough.
With an unhurried motion, he pulled the fabric over his head and let it fall carelessly aside before capturing your lips again.
"Toni…" you gasped, your hands clutching at his shoulders. "I’ve missed this… missed you."
Time had shaped him in ways that only deepened your hunger for him, yet beneath your palms, his skin carried the same warmth you remembered — familiar, yet changed in ways that made you ache for more.
He eased you back against the couch cushions, his body following until he was above you, his mouth never leaving yours. The press of his weight pinned you there, grounding, intoxicating, while his hand slid beneath your blouse to find the bare warmth of your waist.
"You want me to…?" he whispered against your ear, breathing hot, teasing.
"Y-yes. . . please," you breathed, tilting your head to press against his.
The roughness of his palm against your softness stole your breath, and when his thumb edged higher, skimming just beneath your bra, the quiet gasp that slipped from you was impossible to hold back.
Anton pulled back just enough to look at you, his forehead pressed to yours, his breath uneven.
“Tell me if you want me to stop,” he murmured, his voice rough, desperate, as if the thought of letting go would tear him apart.
But you shook your head, threading your fingers through his hair, tugging him closer. “Don’t stop.”
"Not… stopping," he rasped, nipping at your lower lip. "Not now, not ever."
Your pulse quickened when you caught the way his eyes darkened at your words. It was as though he was rediscovering every part of you he thought time had stolen from him, his hands exploring with a reverence that bordered on worship.
"Toni…" you moaned, your voice trembling.
His mouth trailed down your throat, leaving heated kisses along your collarbone, each one sinking deeper than skin. Beneath the hunger, every touch, every breath between you carried something heavier—months of aching want, stitched together by a love that had never truly faded.
“Don’t… don’t stop touching me,” you whispered, voice broken, needy.
His kisses turned rougher, hungrier, until the couch felt far too small for the fire sparking between you. With a firm grip, his hand slid beneath your thighs and lifted you as though you weighed nothing.
"Mine," he groaned, pressing his body to yours, voice thick with need.
A sharp gasp escaped your lips, quickly swallowed when your legs instinctively locked around his waist, your body pressed flush to the thick, throbbing ridge straining against his jeans. The contact sent a shiver ripping through you, your nails biting into his shoulders as if anchoring yourself to him.
"Y-yours. . . " you cried, clutching him closer.
He carried you with unshakable purpose, lips never leaving yours, and when he kicked the bedroom door shut behind him, the sound was final — sealing you both away from the rest of the world.
He laid you on the bed, but the pause lasted only seconds, just long enough for his dark eyes to devour you like you were something forbidden, something he had been starved of for too long.
"So pretty," he breathed, lips grazing yours before capturing them again.
Then he was on you again, crushing his mouth to yours, his kiss raw and consuming. His hands roamed urgently, tugging at your clothes with little patience, as though every layer between you was a barrier he refused to endure another second.
"Baby… need you. . " you whispered, nails digging into his back.
Your blouse was yanked over your head, your bra unclasped in a single desperate motion that bared you to him completely. The cool air barely touched your skin before his mouth did—hot, hungry, reverent.
"You’re driving me insane," he groaned, lips closing over your nipple, tongue teasing.
He latched onto one nipple, sucking hard, his tongue circling before his teeth grazed in a wicked tease that sent your back arching off the sheets. A sharp cry tore from your lips, your fingers tangling in his hair, pulling him closer, urging him to take more.
“Y- yes..Toni. . .don’t stop…” you gasped, breathless.
He groaned into your skin, switching to your other breast, his free hand kneading the soft weight of the one his mouth abandoned, as if he couldn’t decide whether to worship or devour you.
"Fuck… you’re perfect," he muttered between kisses, voice low and hoarse.
Your hands were just as greedy, fumbling with his jeans, dragging the denim down over his hips until his cock sprang free, thick and hot against your thigh. The sheer size of him made your stomach twist with anticipation.
“Mmm… still huge,” you whispered, fingers wrapping around him.
He groaned when you stroked him, his hips bucking into your touch as you savored the heavy length in your hand, each slow, deliberate motion making his breath grow more ragged.
“Fuck…baby. . I need you,” he groaned against your neck, his breath hot on your skin. His hand slid down your stomach, slipping beneath your panties, fingers parting your slick folds with aching precision.
"Y-yes… yes.. please," you gasped, trembling.
You were already dripping for him, and the low growl he let out when he felt it sent heat crashing through you. His fingers teased your clit, slow circles that had your thighs shaking, before slipping inside you, stretching you as his thumb pressed harder on that swollen knot.
"I love you," you moaned, pressing yourself against him.
You were moaning openly now, grinding against his hand, the sheets tangled in your fists. He kissed you through every sound, swallowing your gasps, your pleas, until you came undone around his fingers, pulsing and trembling with sharp waves of release.
"So good for me, baby. ." he groaned, voice strained, as he kept up his relentless pace.
But he didn’t stop. He shoved your panties aside and pushed into you in one unrelenting thrust, filling you completely.
The stretch burned and thrilled all at once, pulling a ragged cry from your lips as your nails raked his back. He lingered just long enough to rest his forehead against yours, your ragged breaths tangling in the silence, before his hips began to roll—slow at first, deliberate, every thrust sinking deeper, pulling you further under.
He started slow, grinding deep, savoring how your body gripped him.
"Y-yes… yes. . . just like that," you moaned, pressing into him.
But the rhythm didn’t stay gentle for long—his thrusts soon grew harder, rougher, each one ripping pleasure through you until the room echoed with the slap of skin, your cries tangling with his husky groans.
"Hnggg. . mine," he growled, voice thick with desire, driving deeper.
You locked your legs tighter around him, begging for more, lost in the way he drove into you like he was desperate to fuse himself to you.
His hand hooked beneath your knee, pushing your leg higher, spreading you open until every thrust drove deeper, rougher, pulling broken cries from your lips.
"D-don’t stop… Toni… please… so.. good,” you whimpered.
His teeth grazed your shoulder before sinking in, his groan rumbling against your skin as he breathed your name like it was the only word he knew.
“God. . . my baby…you feel so fucking good,” he groaned, each thrust harder, rougher, his hips colliding with yours in a rhythm that stole your breath.
Your nails scored down his back as you arched into him, desperate for more, chasing the rush building inside you. The pressure snapped suddenly, your orgasm crashing over you relentless. You tightened around him, moaning out his name as pleasure tore through every inch of you.
He let out a rough curse as he drove into the hilt, cock throbbing deep inside you while his release spilled hot and heavy.
"Yes… yes… fuck… god… Anton!" you cried, gripping him.
His whole body jerked with each pulse, muscles trembling as he ground into you, groaning low in your ear like he couldn’t stop, like he needed every last drop buried inside you before he could finally let go.
For a moment, neither of you moved, tangled in sweat, in heat, in the ragged sound of your breaths.
"I love you," he whispered, lips brushing over your temple.
He stayed inside you, his chest heavy against yours, his lips brushing reverently over your temple, your cheek, your lips, as if he couldn’t stop touching, kissing, needing you.
Lying there wrapped in him, you realized it wasn’t about love reignited. It was two souls grasping at what had already slipped away, seeking comfort in the familiar for just one fleeting night. The heat, the closeness, this wasn’t the start of something new. It was an ending, disguised in tenderness.
Sleep claimed you first, your hand still splayed over his chest, fingers curled as if holding onto him even in dreams. Anton lay awake, unmoving, eyes fixed on the ceiling while the steady rhythm of your breathing filled the silence. Each rise and fall of your chest twisted his heart, caught between the ache of needing you and the hollow certainty that need alone could never be enough.
He turned his head toward you, drinking in the softness of your face bathed in the dim light spilling through the curtains. His chest constricted painfully— you looked so peaceful, so safe, as though the months apart had been nothing but a bad dream. And for one fragile heartbeat, he let himself imagine it, mornings like this, forever, waking with you in his arms, building the life that should have been yours together. A life he wanted with every fiber of his being, and one he knew, with brutal clarity, he could never give you. Not now. Not anymore.
You deserve better. A steadier kind of love. A future without the wreckage I carry. The thought twisted like a knife in his chest.
He leaned down and pressed a kiss to your temple… then your forehead… then your lips. His voice broke into a whisper only the night could hear, “I’m sorry… I love you. I love you so much… I wish you all the best.”
Before leaving, he paused for one last heartbeat, imprinting your warmth into memory. He dressed silently and cast one final glance at you, searing the image into his mind. Then, with shaking hands and a heart heavy with love he could no longer hold, Anton slipped out of your apartment, leaving behind the woman he would always love.
-end-
tysm for reading and waiting !! >< my ask is always open, let's talk 🩷
