#apartment 11

[redravenapts]

[tacos]

it's nights like this i really just want to be in the portal with the CC telling them my crazy stories. only you guys would understand the weird shit i attract on a daily basis :(

i posted this at first on fbook but i deleted it because i had a feeling it wouldn't express exactly what i mean. i'm not actually saying what i mean because well. yeah. but ugh. just, it wouldn't be seen by the people i wanted it to be seen by and it wouldn't mean what i wanted them to think it meant, i guess? basically i just want to write a love story to these four amazing girls.

a couple of days ago i was talking to my bintz about college (she's going away for her freshman year!!) and in the middle of the conversation it just hit me...i'm not going back. i'm fucking done. there will be no more adventures with my girls, no more skipping classes, no more cramming....nothing. i got really sad and i didn't expect that to happen.

don't get it twisted, it's not going to be the school part i miss. it's the home part i'll miss. i've never really had friends where i didn't feel like i had to be something other than myself until i met these four girls. they became my home and every single day i'm away from them is just a reminder of how...wrong it is to be here, playing this part. 

sometimes i have to remind myself that the two years i spent in apartment 11 weren't dreamt up. it's such an insane feeling, thinking about how much i changed because of my girls and because of apartment 11. i found friendship, redemption, strength, and courage. i found people that were so completely honest in who they are as people that there was no need to walk on eggshells or sugarcoat things.

i'm often filled with regrets that i didn't spend enough time with them all. there were times when i hid in my room and was a hermit when i could have been with them that i wish i would have now that i'm so completely alone here. i took it for granted that they'd always be there outside my door...and now they aren't.

we each have different lives outside of apartment 11. i know this and i love that because of who it makes us when we are inside apartment 11. but i can't help but feel sad that we aren't together too. i want to have my best and worst moments with them...and i want to laugh and cry with them. they're my wolf pack. i wish i would have expressed that more...or at least let them know how much they mean to me.

i just. i really needed to write this because i haven't had the chance to since i graduated. i'm so utterly alone right now that i need this as a reminder that there are four girls out there that understand and accept me completely in a way that i never knew existed. and that i'm going to be okay because i know that if i ever truly needed someone, i could pick up my phone and call one of them. 

so i'll sit here in my purple tshirt, watching a korean drama, missing four souls out there that i love more than anything. when everything is silent and i'm feeling lonely, i just have to imagine them outside my door in the hallway, with their laughter filling our entire apartment and i won't feel so lonely anymore. 

when i have no where else to go, i'll go to apartment 11...because it's home.