don’t open closed doors pt 2:
I talked to Nes last night about my confliction of not getting closure , and I’m so grateful about how supportive and non-judgmental he is towards it. The greatest thing is how understanding he is, but I think he still worries that I might go back to my ex. One things for sure Is that I’ll never cross that line again.
During our talk, Nes explained how my situation is like a Korean drama. Meaning there’s so much buildup about one thing (a meeting Niels for closure), and how it’d be an “epic” confrontation in the end. I never looked at it that way, but it’s hilariously true. I try to imagine it being civil, to wait for the right moment reading that his body language would show me he’s ready to talk it out. Plus Nes is right. Now that I look at it, 3 years of separation, with a history like ours isn’t enough time to heal. I’m still struggling emotionally with the breakup because all I do is run away from my problems. This is one the few times where I have to face my issue head on, which is tough.
Like I said before, I didn’t realize after three years, there would still be an open wound in Niels and I’d past. It’s selfish of me to want to get our talk over with just because I can’t handle the unknown of what he really thinks about me. Maybe it’s the better option to wait until HE makes the first move. I can’t help but picture that happening only when I have a kid. I feel like that’s the only time he’d be mature and willing to face me again. Until then, I’ll trust in God’s timing to see Niels again. I had to wait almost 7 years to get a second chance with Nes and it turned out great.
Sometimes I do wonder if I’m as ready as I think I am to talk it out. I want to be able to get my message across in the quickest and easiest way possible in the hopes that he’ll also speak about his feelings for the first time in his life. Maybe the reason why I’m still nervous is because I’m not prepared to face my past again. Those people are the main reason why I never want to go to that town anymore. With Niels, it’s the only way for me to finally be at peace with the breakup. Maybe then I’ll be able to finally comfortably raise my sister and be there for her until she graduates high school, but I know I’ll never put my past before her. She means more to me than that.